Ripping Off the Band-Aid

She's digging her heels in and fighting every step of the way.

After we talked on Monday, she asked if we would go ahead and cancel the upcoming appointment we had scheduled for later in the week. However, given everything that we'd talked about, it made sense to me to have a third party present as I started laying down what I saw as happening next.

The counselor asked how we'd been since the last time we'd seen her probably three weeks ago, and the wife immediately launched into the tale of me telling her that I wanted to split for good, but that she didn't consider that an option.

Then, she launched into her newest idea:
She said she wants a separation, so we can figure out ourselves, both get better, and reconcile, because she knows I really don't want a divorce, and this isn't the real me talking. Or the best me. As far as she's concerned, we're not getting divorced. End of story.

The counselor looked a bit dumbfounded.

She tried to point out to my wife that it's not completely up to her whether or not that happens, as the both of us would have to agree to that. The wife nodded, but obviously had stopped listening.

We came back to the idea of the longer, more formal separation with much more defined boundaries, and what we needed to discuss in terms of that.

Immediately I brought up splitting the finances. She shifted in her seat uncomfortably.
"And why exactly would you want to do that?"

I launched into the obvious reasons about setting boundaries and since everything we'd both read agreed it was an important step, regardless of what happened. The counselor also chimed in about it making sense to divide up the bills, and offered several options for how to go into meditating, working towards a separation agreement, and how it would be important to establish more stable living situations for all of us. I even offered to do the legwork and research, see what I could find for templates and suggestions for paperwork and how to go about filing it. The counselor nodded encouragingly.

My wife shifted in her seat again. "that's all well and good, but it's not going to change my mind or my outlook on this at all."

Roger that. Lawyer up!

Living situations was next up. I pointed out that I couldn't stay with my friend forever, and that she'd been complaining about needing help with the dogs. She told me that she'd had offers to go stay with nearby family and friends, and the counselor and I both pointed out that her doing so would only be creating another ultimately temporary situation that really wouldn't be sustainable in the longer term. In the back of my mind was the worry that me moving back to the house would reset any clock that's already in motion for our separation counter. More questions for the lawyer.

Twice, the counselor asked if there were any other boundaries that we felt should be discussed. Reading between the lines, I took that to mean she was asking about dating or seeing other people. I deferred from bringing that up then, as I already had a very good idea what the wife's reaction would be, and I wanted to put that on my lawyer list anyway.

The last thing to discuss was when we wanted to go back to our couples counselor, if ever. The wife admitted that she'd basically gotten nothing out of our sessions, as she'd always felt they were my "thing," and she had never felt like they were a safe place for her. I still like the idea of having a third party present, so I'm keeping it in my own back pocket for further negotiation.

So, gloves are coming off, and I'll be meeting with my lawyer next week. First goal is to try and figure out the finances, split my direct deposit into my own account, and figure out how to still continue to be fair in helping with the bills without screwing either of us over. After I implement that it'll be filling out a separation agreement of some kind, and getting me information on what the hell I can do to protect myself and keep this ball rolling while she's still living in her own version of reality.

cagedtiger Well now it is my turn. My father is having a borderline nervous breakdown about our separation and trying to intervene in a desperate way. Very painful to have to deal with.

Omg, CT - what an ordeal that was. I'm sorta sorry you took the invite to talk! On the other hand, it did wonders for your resolve.
She thinks she'll TALK you out of this? If she wanted this "true love story" then she should have ACTED her way to that happy ending she claims she had hopes for!
I agree with GC that this just further illustrates her manipulation & control, her complete disregard of your perspective (& the YEARS of time that you have spent honestly expressing it), as well as further proves: she is batshit nutty.
I wish your Dad would settle into Acceptance as well. I don't understand the reference to your mothers death or the need to address that? He doesn't know what your life is like in detail (the self-esteem murdering by spousal rejection is truly a soul-killing experience that FEW can comprehend unless they've been in an ILIASM shithole).
In any case - strength and courage to YOU, my friend. Don't let her hijack you, your time, or your plans for your life any longer.

Oh, I definitely agree that I regret talking to her now. I just found two wedding pictures she'd surreptitiously left in my car before she finally got out on Sunday. The friend I'm staying with suggested I tear them in half, and leave her half under the windshield wiper on her car next time I go get the dogs.

I think that might be just a little bit harsh at the moment, but I'm keeping it in mind maybe for later.

I yelled at my dad, then got a text from my mom admonishing me for not telling them my side more recently. The thing is, I have. But, apparently, it's time for a trip home as soon as I can make it for a much longer conversation.

Setting up lawyer appointments for next week.