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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 12, 2017 12:39:13 GMT -5
"Time to be in a healing mode. We are all responsible for the hurts we carry around inside. If you have become aware of a repetitive theme of hurt, call it a problem and obtain some help. Do something to pursue healing in that area so that it stops interfering in your life. That is part of becoming a complete, healed person."
Boundaries in Marriage page 182. Thought I would pass this along for you.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 12, 2017 14:13:37 GMT -5
...and the parents have been contacted again. Time to plan a day trip home to have a chat with them, and initiate the lockout protocol they've already promised to adhere to if I asked.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 12, 2017 15:20:22 GMT -5
...and the parents have been contacted again. Time to plan a day trip home to have a chat with them, and initiate the lockout protocol they've already promised to adhere to if I asked. No suprise there. More evidence of a manipulative controller. Your words, thoughts, actions, mean nothing. It's all about her needs, wants, plans,and desires. many of us,myself included, gave in in the name of love, compromise, and marriage. Now that you are leveling the playing field, she hates it! The healing is beginning. |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 12, 2017 17:06:58 GMT -5
Well Done cagedtiger! You told her to SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT, cuz there are people waiting in line. I'm not familiar with your history, but she sounds like a narcissistic, delusional woman. Can I ask what state you live in? Are you in the US? |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 20:06:16 GMT -5
Even in the south in the U.S., the law cannot force you to stay married.
Your STBX sounds crazier with every story you tell. Have you gotten everything you really care about out of the home you shared with her?
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 12, 2017 20:27:56 GMT -5
Even in the south in the U.S., the law cannot force you to stay married. Your STBX sounds crazier with every story you tell. Have you gotten everything you really care about out of the home you shared with her? No. My dog is still there. That's gonna be the biggest next fight, I think. |
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 12, 2017 20:54:07 GMT -5
Even in the south in the U.S., the law cannot force you to stay married. Your STBX sounds crazier with every story you tell. Have you gotten everything you really care about out of the home you shared with her? No. My dog is still there. That's gonna be the biggest next fight, I think. Maryland? Sounds like crazy laws in MD. I wish you luck and keep your head high! You deserve better than her! |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 12, 2017 23:46:02 GMT -5
Even in the south in the U.S., the law cannot force you to stay married. Your STBX sounds crazier with every story you tell. Have you gotten everything you really care about out of the home you shared with her? No. My dog is still there. That's gonna be the biggest next fight, I think. CT my guess is that all you'll have to do is get the W to open the front door. The second the pup hears your voice she'll be out the door like a whippet. She loves her Daddy š¶ Are there dog napping laws? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 13, 2017 6:26:34 GMT -5
Extremely happy to see you making such progress!!
Getting your dogs back, seeing an attorney,looking at real estate,setting boundaries with your parents, setting boundaries with your stbx, living apart. All great progress! Finding the right therapist, getting mentored by your fellow friends, being able to concentrate on your work, having future goals without the burden of your stbx always rejecting them. All great progress! Spotting the hypocrisy, the double binds, the red flags, the moment the actions occur and the words are spoken. All great progress! You are no longer trying to reason with someone who is un-reasonable, you are no longer going to change for someone who refuses to change, you are no longer going to keep giving, giving, giving, to someone who gives nothing back and is only a taker. You are making great progress!
I would suggest you start keeping cash in a safe place. Un-traceable. For the day when the attorney needs to be paid, and the assets get divided. Small amounts, consistently. I hope you have separate accounts and credit cards, get your name off the lease, remove important files from the house, and take them with you, take photo's of your possessions, in case she sells them or trashes them, all things to ask an attorney about. All great progress!
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 14, 2017 17:14:27 GMT -5
She's digging her heels in and fighting every step of the way.
After we talked on Monday, she asked if we would go ahead and cancel the upcoming appointment we had scheduled for later in the week. However, given everything that we'd talked about, it made sense to me to have a third party present as I started laying down what I saw as happening next.
The counselor asked how we'd been since the last time we'd seen her probably three weeks ago, and the wife immediately launched into the tale of me telling her that I wanted to split for good, but that she didn't consider that an option.
Then, she launched into her newest idea:
She said she wants a separation, so we can figure out ourselves, both get better, and reconcile, because she knows I really don't want a divorce, and this isn't the real me talking. Or the best me. As far as she's concerned, we're not getting divorced. End of story.
The counselor looked a bit dumbfounded.
She tried to point out to my wife that it's not completely up to her whether or not that happens, as the both of us would have to agree to that. The wife nodded, but obviously had stopped listening.
We came back to the idea of the longer, more formal separation with much more defined boundaries, and what we needed to discuss in terms of that.
Immediately I brought up splitting the finances. She shifted in her seat uncomfortably.
"And why exactly would you want to do that?"
I launched into the obvious reasons about setting boundaries and since everything we'd both read agreed it was an important step, regardless of what happened. The counselor also chimed in about it making sense to divide up the bills, and offered several options for how to go into meditating, working towards a separation agreement, and how it would be important to establish more stable living situations for all of us. I even offered to do the legwork and research, see what I could find for templates and suggestions for paperwork and how to go about filing it. The counselor nodded encouragingly.
My wife shifted in her seat again. "that's all well and good, but it's not going to change my mind or my outlook on this at all."
Roger that. Lawyer up!
Living situations was next up. I pointed out that I couldn't stay with my friend forever, and that she'd been complaining about needing help with the dogs. She told me that she'd had offers to go stay with nearby family and friends, and the counselor and I both pointed out that her doing so would only be creating another ultimately temporary situation that really wouldn't be sustainable in the longer term. In the back of my mind was the worry that me moving back to the house would reset any clock that's already in motion for our separation counter. More questions for the lawyer.
Twice, the counselor asked if there were any other boundaries that we felt should be discussed. Reading between the lines, I took that to mean she was asking about dating or seeing other people. I deferred from bringing that up then, as I already had a very good idea what the wife's reaction would be, and I wanted to put that on my lawyer list anyway.
The last thing to discuss was when we wanted to go back to our couples counselor, if ever. The wife admitted that she'd basically gotten nothing out of our sessions, as she'd always felt they were my "thing," and she had never felt like they were a safe place for her. I still like the idea of having a third party present, so I'm keeping it in my own back pocket for further negotiation.
So, gloves are coming off, and I'll be meeting with my lawyer next week. First goal is to try and figure out the finances, split my direct deposit into my own account, and figure out how to still continue to be fair in helping with the bills without screwing either of us over. After I implement that it'll be filling out a separation agreement of some kind, and getting me information on what the hell I can do to protect myself and keep this ball rolling while she's still living in her own version of reality.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 14, 2017 19:00:58 GMT -5
Does this councilor/therapist testify in court? Do any of your previous councilor/therapists testify in court? If so they have seen and heard multiple attorneys in your area in court, and can give you good recommendations.
If you want to really stick it to her, go and see several of the attorneys within a few mile radius of where she works and lives. especially the ones who give free consultations. That way when she contacts them they have to say, "sorry, but that would be a conflict of interest." They can't represent her.
Then again, if a reputable source recommends good, reliable, divorce attorneys with years of experience, pass that name on to her. Don't end up like some of us have, where our spouse gets an attorney with no experience or is willing to just postpone things as long possible.
Anchors away sailor! Sounds like you won that battle. I'm glad to see you use the term boundaries, it will help you for the rest of your life.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 14, 2017 19:12:57 GMT -5
OMG.
You've got a great head on your shoulders and it sounds like you've planned to keep yourself together. LAWYER UP!
If you don't have your own personal counselor, you might want to get one. You're headed down a crazy path since she is so deep in denial. Once she realizes you mean business, i have a hunch she's going to get nasty. The counselor can help you with that - an attorney won't. Of course we are always here for you, but it's not the same as being able to unload live in front of someone who is paid to listen and give safe, sage advice.
Stash as much $$ away as you can! Hell, open up a trust in your dog's name, or get a safe and stash cash. I have a friend who keeps cash locked away from his wife in his gun safe, and she does not have the combination. He continues to live in hell....
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 14, 2017 23:25:04 GMT -5
I don't think stashing funds is honorable, myself. My Ex & I split basically 50/50. I think it's fair. (It isn't fair that he still has the tiller & the mower, but: different thread.)
Damn, CT - if only she'd had this much passion for your relationship earlier. But it's too late, now.
Don't give into her delusions any more.
Live your own life.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 15, 2017 6:16:25 GMT -5
Damn, CT - if only she'd had this much passion for your relationship earlier. But it's too late, now. Don't give into her delusions any more. Live your own life. It's sounds like you will be even more hurt, and surprised by her amount of passion, drive, and energy she will show ,now that her world of complete control is crumbling. It can be really sad and devastating to know that your STBX was so extremely lazy at putting forth any effort to clean up after her self, exercise, give intimacy and sex,visit family, go to fun ,outdoor activities, openly communicate, compromise-(listening and relating to your point of view) and not be a wasteful spender. It's when you are showing "crazy" the door, they kick and scream the most, fighting it all the way. Just going over that short list, shows, you just wanted her to be an adult. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 15, 2017 14:26:25 GMT -5
"She tried to point out to my wife that it's not completely up to her weather or not that happens, as the both of us would have to agree to that. The wife nodded, but obviously had stopped listening."
Oh....she heard it!! She heard the parts she wanted. "both of us will have to agree to that". Meaning - Great I get full control, because I won't agree, so it won't happen.
Sorry snowflake, it doesn't work that way.
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