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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2017 12:20:11 GMT -5
They really make it hard sometimes.
She strikes me as very self-centered. It's all about what *she* wants. How many times did you try to tell her what you were feeling, and what you wanted and needed? It sounds like it made no impression on her at all.
Stay strong. Better days are ahead for you.
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Post by baza on Apr 11, 2017 19:46:18 GMT -5
Only problem is, in my wonderfully religiously backwards state, we can't file until after being legally separated for a year, which means January of 2018 at the very earliest. That's not a *problem* that you can work your way around CT, that's a *fact*. And you have to deal with the fact(s). And the fact is that you've been separated since January 2017 so you are already 25% of the way through this "penance" period. Whatever "proof" you need to establish that you did indeed separate in January you need to attend to and give your lawyer right now. |
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Post by solodriver on Apr 11, 2017 19:58:04 GMT -5
I bet Flashjohn can relate to this Cagedtiger.
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Post by allworkandnoplay on Apr 11, 2017 20:28:30 GMT -5
Best to you, Tiger.
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Post by nancyb on Apr 11, 2017 20:32:26 GMT -5
Good for you CagedTiger. I understand fully what you are going through. Believe me when I tell you there are better days ahead. Keep to your truth.
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Post by cagedtiger on Apr 11, 2017 22:01:45 GMT -5
I had told the wife before I left last night that I wanted to stop in and take the dogs out in the coming days. I stopped by to take them to the park after work today, and she seemed OK when I stopped by the house- writing furiously in her journal, but that was about it.
When we came back, she told me rather nonchalantly that she had written something down, that she wanted to share with me:
"At the risk of still sounding like a crazy person, I'm still not accepting this. So I'm going to step back, and give you some space to figure things out, but divorce just isn't an option that's on the table for me."
I was dumbfounded- that was pretty much the last thing I was expecting to hear, and when she asked for reactions, I told her I didn't know what to say to that.
A few minutes later, as I was gathering my mail and getting ready to leave, she turned to me.
"When we were talking last night, I knew what you were going to say, and I knew what was coming, but it was incredibly empowering. I realized that instead of being powerless, like I've felt this whole time, it's actually been the opposite. I realized that I was waiting for you all this time to make a decision, but really, it's not your decision to make at all."
I still am dumbfounded by that, not to mention more than a little pissed off. I don't get to make a decision? Wrong.
I told her to keep our couples counseling appointment scheduled for later in the week. At that point, I'm going to lay down how we're going to split the finances and file for legal separation. I want our counselor to be there as a third party, as I don't know that I trust any more trying to talk to her without somebody else present. As often has proved to be the case the last year or so, she simply doesn't hear me when I try having these kinds of conversations with her.
Then tomorrow morning I'll call my lawyer and see what I can set up for next week.
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Post by baza on Apr 11, 2017 22:33:40 GMT -5
She's NOT going to "step back" mate. Nor is she going to "give you some space".
She is going to keep probing for a weak spot, as she has been doing all along, and then exploit it.
The dogs may be the next thing to exploit maybe.
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Post by wom360 on Apr 11, 2017 23:27:59 GMT -5
This is all about control. Always was. She controlled your sexless marriage and now she wants to control the separation and eventually the divorce. And unless you put up rock solid boundaries she'll be controlling after that too. As long as you allow it, she'll take it.
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 11, 2017 23:28:46 GMT -5
When we came back, she told me rather nonchalantly that she had written something down, that she wanted to share with me: "At the risk of still sounding like a crazy person, I'm still not accepting this. So I'm going to step back, and give you some space to figure things out, but divorce just isn't an option that's on the table for me." I was dumbfounded- that was pretty much the last thing I was expecting to hear, and when she asked for reactions, I told her I didn't know what to say to that. A few minutes later, as I was gathering my mail and getting ready to leave, she turned to me. "When we were talking last night, I knew what you were going to say, and I knew what was coming, but it was incredibly empowering. I realized that instead of being powerless, like I've felt this whole time, it's actually been the opposite. I realized that I was waiting for you all this time to make a decision, but really, it's not your decision to make at all." I still am dumbfounded by that, not to mention more than a little pissed off. I don't get to make a decision? Wrong. Imagine if you'd said this to her at some point.... "at the risk of still sounding like a crazy person, I'm still not accepting this. No SEX just isn't an option that's on the table for me. It's not your decision to make at all" HER words with one tiny but not insignificant change. |
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Post by lyn on Apr 11, 2017 23:50:24 GMT -5
Only problem is, in my wonderfully religiously backwards state, we can't file until after being legally separated for a year, which means January of 2018 at the very earliest. CT - just do your own thing at this point. An entire year before you can file! Wow - well, it doesn't mean you have to keep doing couples therapy and all of that. Stay strong! From the sidelines, it seems you're doing just fine. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 12, 2017 0:05:47 GMT -5
He is doing brilliantly isn't he. seabr33z3 just hit the nail on the head I think. I think the W will continue in disbelief CT. You know you DO get to make decisions. I can't believe she even said those words to you. The happier days are coming... every day takes you closer to a year. But that doesn't mean you can't start making your own life as soon as you are ready. I have "partner leaving envy " over here!! You are doing a fine job cagedtiger. Xx |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Apr 12, 2017 3:53:29 GMT -5
Well done you CT. She really needs to face reality, and maybe accept that some form of 'friendship' is on the table, which she could completely mess up if the control scenario continues.
I hope your counsellor identifies that too, then the process might be civil rather than unpleasant. Fingers crossed from someone who absolutely hates the constant confrontations the controllers insist upon.
Walk those dogs with your head held high :-)
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Post by snowman12345 on Apr 12, 2017 4:51:59 GMT -5
cagedtiger here is the thing. In a truly symbiotic relationship each person gives to the other to renew and refresh the other. If a brief encounter with your STBX leaves you exhausted, then it is still a toxic relationship. You may be right to get out. Good luck to you - I truly hope you find peace. And sex. Lots and lots of high quality sex.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 12, 2017 6:45:46 GMT -5
Stay the course and find your happy life!
Good job
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 12, 2017 8:03:11 GMT -5
She doesn't "risk" sounding crazy - she CONFIRMS that she is entirely delusional. The definition I just read y'day in psych was: failure to accept reality.
YOU do get to decide, even in a religiously backward state, that you don't have to stay in a dysfunctional relationship & broken marriage.
I think it's very wise to keep the joint session going, at least this week, in order to have an uninvolved witness for the exchange of information.
You realize when she has said she's not getting anything out of it, it simply means she's not getting her way. She expects a counselor to cosign her BS, & that's not what's happening there. So I think this is a good person to have "be the witness" for the conversation(s).
It does not matter whether she accepts reality- it's still reality! And you can create your own life in the real world, whether she makes it easy or not. Because you've come to see your role in your own fate.
We live with the consequences of our own choices. She wanted to make the choice of sexlessness but doesn't want the consequence. Tough. That's the way the cookie crumbles when you deny your spouse, year after year, and completely refuse to work on her own issues.
Stay strong, brother. I'm not only confident that you are doing the right thing, but I'm confident you be happier for it, too. (Maybe not every moment of every day - but the majority of the time, you won't have any doubts & you will come to the time where you feel grateful for it being OVER)
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