Officially sexless again

I will just say something again that I have said before:

Low-libido people often say, "Sex isn't that important," or "Sex isn't the most important part of marriage," etc. - and following on that: "So the higher libido person shouldn't mind not getting it.

Very well. If sex is such a minor part of a marriage - low-libido people should not mind if their spouse gets it somewhere else. It's only sex, right? It's not that important, is it?

And on the topic of name-calling: if only my refuser had desired me, I might have been willing to tolerate some name-calling. Hey, I could give it right back to him, and do better! Which is probably why he never called me names, ha ha.

Thank you for the nice? response.    

Yes, having a low libido is normal for me.  It has been the norm for me (compared to my partners) for about 35 years.  Perhaps it's your belief that anyone with a lower libido than yourself is not normal.  That's fine.  But it has been my norm for as long as I can remember.  Has it prevented me from living an amazing fulfilling life?  Never.  With the exception of being hit with a deadly disease at 39, my life is 1,000 times better than I could have imagined.  My low/lack of desire had never been an issue with me prior to having cancer.  Not once.  I don't think I even ever gave it a first, second, or third thought.  No one complained, including me.  Of course I would like to have the desire now.  Of course.  Who wouldn't?  So in response to your first paragraph:  
Yes, my low/lower libido was "normal" to me.  My husband married me, being fully aware, after 10 years of dating, of my libido.  Now that it's completely gone, OF COURSE I wish I could feel the desire again.  Those two facts aren't mutually exclusive.  

Lack of empathy due to hormone imbalance because I didn't respond to your statement about how your wife abused you for years?  What I wanted to say was WHY would you stay with someone who treated you so badly.  But I didn't want to be insensitive or rude.  You imply that it's "OKAY" for a person to speak ill of their partner because they have treated you so horribly.  Perhaps.  But all I can think is why would you continue to endure something which is so distasteful, so horrible, so unspeakable for a spouse to do to another?  Emotional, verbal, physical, abuse -- there is no excuse.  You picked a person.  Maybe unwisely.  Then you had children (perhaps). And now you just want to call them names on the internet, instead of getting out.  And apparently you finally did, which is commendable.  

As to raw, down and dirty sex/hand jobs not being intimate -- That's my opinion.  I happen to believe there are much more intimate/bonding acts in a marriage than giving someone oral sex.  Of course it's lovely.  Of course it feels good.  To me -- in my life experience, giving my husband a hand job isn't what I think about when I'm daydreaming about what brings us closer together, bonding us to each other as life partners.  It just doesn't.  That's just my opinion.  I think of other things when I think about why we love each other and have stayed together for 30 years.  Things that, if you subtract handjobs, oral sex-- out of the equation, you're still left with the sum of 100 other things that cause two people to love each other.  If handjobs, oral sex, WHATEVER kind of sex was so soul-bonding, why would anyone pay a prostitute to engage in such activities?  Why would a person want to "bond" with a prostitute?  People don't pay prostitutes to care for them when they're ill.  They don't pay them to comfort them in times of sorrow.  They don't pay them to share touching moments with them as they watch their children graduate from college.  They pay them for sex.   It's sex.  Can having sex bond you to your partner?  Of course it can.  Of course.  But it can also be down and dirty, fulfilling an urge, purely tension-relieving sex.  That's my point.  It CAN be a bonding experience.  I fully agree with you.  It's just my opinion.  Does having an opposing opinion from yours somehow imply a person has a hormone imbalance?  

I absolutely realize that some folks here have been called perverts, sluts, rapists.  Of course that's horrible and absolutely not acceptable.  I can't imagine anyone continuing to want to have sex, or even speak to a person who refers to them in such a manner. Whether they believed it to be true, or whether they were saying such things out of anger or attempt to control, whatever -- there's absolutely no excuse.   But is the solution to be "harsh" to them in response on a website?  I understand this is a site to "vent."  It's my OPINION -- just an opinion, that perhaps sites like these unintentionally allow affected persons to perpetuate a harmful at worse, and unkind at best, situation.  One where people continue to vent about the abuse they are suffering, while all the while not focusing on a solution or steps to follow in order to find a solution.  Again, it's just my opinion.  Also, I find it at the same time interesting and discouraging that when a converse opinion is stated it is met with rude replies and accusations of being a "troll."  

Look, I don't think ANYONE should have to live without sex and be content with that.  Please don't misquote me.  Yes, in my opinion, sex is not "the most basic part of marriage." Of course it IS an important part of marriage.  The "MOST" important?  It's my opinion -- just my opinion, that it's not the most important.  But if you (not you, personally) do believe it IS the most important part of your marriage, and you're not satisfied with what you are experiencing, then for God's sake, change your situation.  I never attempted to change my husband into something I thought he should be.  Nor has he tried to change me.   If the person you choose as a partner isn't sexually compatible with you -- let alone, treats you abusively, WHY would you WANT to experience such a bonding/intimate act with them?  

I apologize to anyone who felt I was "admonishing" them for "expressing frustration" here.  Frustration is a normal, acceptable reaction to a frustrating situation.  What I THOUGHT I was doing was expressing an opinion that when someone behaves poorly/unkind (withholding spouse) and then the "victim" responds by name-calling and disrespect, it just brings that person down to the other person's unkind level.  Is it loving  to treat your spouse unkindly by controlling, abusing, refusing to work at a good marriage?  Of course not.  Is it loving to respond to an unkind act with unkindness?  In my opinion, no.  

Also, thank you for the passive/aggressive advice to "explore" hormone replacement therapy.  As if a 13-year survivor of breast cancer with an absent libido could possibly be unaware of such treatments.  I'm well-educated and I'm quite an advocate for my own health and well-being.  I'm quite sure that I've researched most, if not all treatments which are beneficial in order to stabilize a person's hormones.  Perhaps there are some ancient Chinese remedies that I've missed, but suffice it to say, all other hormone therapy has been thoroughly explored by myself, my primary physician and my oncologists.  None are without risk.  None guarantee positive results commensurate to the known risks.  If it's your opinion that a person with a stage III-C breast cancer history should undergo some type of hormone/testosterone treatment, which have numerous known risks, some that are not FDA approved, which have no statistical guarantee to improve their libido, that's fine.  I've decided not to risk my life on the very small chance that HRT might increase my libido.  It may be your opinion that being able to "want" to have sex and having sex is important enough to risk your health.  It's my opinion that I want to see my children succeed, marry, perhaps have children; enjoy my retirement with my husband, without willfully possibly putting my health/life in jeopardy.   My husband is fully supportive of my choice, as I would be, if the 'shoe' was on the other foot.  Again, it's my choice, after deliberate research.  Maybe it wouldn't be yours, which is absolutely your prerogative.  

Finally, thank you for counseling me on ways to "save" my marriage.   Rest easy, friend, that my marriage is in no need of saving.  Is it possible that there may be a problem in the future?  Of course.  I'm not obtuse.  Isn't that true of ANY marriage?  Presently, my marriage is just fine.  Would it be 100% perfect if I had some inkling of sexual desire?  Sure.  But you know what doesn't happen in MY marriage?  Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse.  Ever.   With the exception of about a year and a half of intensive, difficult counselling and emotional conversations, my relationship with my husband has been everything I've ever wanted it to be.  We've been happy and blessed in more ways than I could have imagined.  Of course, if given the option, I would have opted out on experiencing having a deadly disease with two children under the age of 10.  But I can't think of one single thing I would have traded in my life in exchange for the chance to somehow escape my experience with cancer.  My husband and I have discussed all options, including divorce, extensively.  Of course I wouldn't be happy if my husband decided it was in his best interests to leave me.  I don't want him to leave me.  I love him.  But he certainly has that option, as does anyone.  And I certainly don't want to stay married to someone who doesn't willingly want to stay with me.  So, yes, of course, anything is possible.  No one knows the future.  But I assure you, my 30-year relationship with my husband is more than fine.  You can disbelieve.  You don't know me or my husband.  I can't prove it to you.  That matters not.  If you want to continue to feel sad for me, you're certainly entitled to do so. 

"I just looked into it originally because my husband and I were in counseling and I was trying to gather as much information as I could to better understand his feelings by reading other peoples' stories."

- So since that was your original purpose, has it been fulfilled?  Are you still in counseling?  Have you gathered all the information you need?  If you have, what is your purpose here now?

"If it is the primary purpose of marriage, why then would so many people have sex with people outside of a marital vow?"
-Because they have been taught that they should wait for marriage for sex or that the most ethical place to have sex is in marriage.  Also, most people will prefer having sex in a committed relationship. 

" If it were, people would probably have a tendency to marry a person who is a crazy, adventurous, any time willing, do anything, anywhere sexual partner, instead of picking a person whom they feel is honest, shares your religious beliefs, shares your beliefs in future plans, has similar morals and standards, has similar life goals, etc."
But my point was not that sex was the ONLY purpose of marriage, but the PRIMARY purpose of marriage.  Many people want all of the other things you mentioned as well.

"Basically, that the spouse is kind of a crappy person AND they withhold sex. My opinion is that the withholding quite possibly is the least of the problems in the relationship if there is list of other not-so-nice things the spouse/partner does. "
I disagree with this.  Frankly, if my spouse had been a sexual person, it probably would have made up for all of her other failings.

"Which is perfectly acceptable to me, because he participated fully and with great enthusiasm and heart, in counseling for about 18 months. What more could I ask for?"
So from this comment, I assume that the counseling has ended?  Were all issues resolved then?

"Does he agree sex is "THE most important part of a marriage"? I don't know. But it seems like he doesn't, again, because otherwise we would be divorced."
Maybe there are other aspects of the relationship he values as much.  Or he may believe that the pain he endures does not compare to the pain that might result to your children.  Just a thought. 

"So does he agree with me? I think he must."
He might.  But unless you directly ask him, you won't know. 

Lastly, I have to ask you again.  Why do you keep coming here?  Are you still trying to gain information for counseling?

I have come to this vigorous debate late.You say your up front and your husband accepts the situation and you have obviously spent a lot of time investigating this so if your both mutually on the same page what's the problem. We here, are not on the same page and lack of sex and intimacy to us is rejection. It seems everyone is taking a stance here and forgetting we here to try and get insights and yes vent sometimes. But getting back to you if your husband is accepting then there is no problem? and I would love to hear how he came to accept this situation and how he stops any resentment because we all wish we could find some middle ground

my wife doesn't think sex is important at this stage of our lives. And I correct her and let her know that only applies for her. When I suggest finding it elsewhere she then realizes sex is important to me. She would mind if another person fulfills my need because she is my wife. The tough part is finding an acceptable compromise.
If your partner cannot provide, then you must decide if it is truly a need.

sunniedays , I am not going to continue this conversation. You have already made up your mind; you lack flexibility; and you do not have empathy for any point of view except your own. You are not going to look at SM from any point of view except your own. You think you're right and everybody else is wrong. Your mind is like cement - all mixed up and permanently set.