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Post by Chatter Fox on Feb 13, 2017 8:48:37 GMT -5
I went 577 days where I could say that I was no longer in a sexless marriage. That's a little over a year and a half. Not too shabby! As of today though, ILIASM (at least if you go by the <10 a year rule). It's been 9 times between today and this day last year. Now granted, if we get it on tonight (hypothetically, of course), I'll be back on track according to the numbers. It's not really a deal breaker for me yet. The fact that I'm technically sexless again is just an observation for now. I think we'll get back over 10 again soon. Besides, I don't treat that <10 rule as gospel. It certainly is interesting to see how the numbers have worked out over the past 2 years and 1 month though. I can see where the reset was and then how it tapered into a minimal effort and now it may be slipping across that line in the sand that I drew. It has been a very gradual progression. I'm glad I've been keeping track to help me see the trends. It'll be interesting to see how the rest of this year goes.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 13, 2017 8:57:10 GMT -5
I went 577 days where I could say that I was no longer in a sexless marriage. That's a little over a year and a half. Not too shabby! As of today though, ILIASM (at least if you go by the <10 a year rule). It's been 9 times between today and this day last year. Now granted, if we get it on tonight (hypothetically, of course), I'll be back on track according to the numbers. It's not really a deal breaker for me yet. The fact that I'm technically sexless again is just an observation for now. I think we'll get back over 10 again soon. Besides, I don't treat that <10 rule as gospel. It certainly is interesting to see how the numbers have worked out over the past 2 years and 1 month though. I can see where the reset was and then how it tapered into a minimal effort and now it may be slipping across that line in the sand that I drew. It has been a very gradual progression. I'm glad I've been keeping track to help me see the trends. It'll be interesting to see how the rest of this year goes. Congratulations, i think? Whether it is 1 time or 12 times or 2 times per month etc. For me it is the QUALITY and much more than that Sex is just the tip of the iceberg as has been said so many times on these threads by members more wise than I. Is there intimacy? Cuddling? Kissing? Holding? etc. Is there still "LOVE" - beyond platonic - beyond the "I have compassion/empathy for you" kind of love, more like "in love" or even the more mature "attachment" and "Affection"? Sex in its basic form is just animalistic Lust. That will not do it for me. I need the whole package and sex is just a part of it. Right now I am way past keeping score and I have discovered that the SM was but the tip of the iceberg for much deeper serious trouble in my current Marriage. |
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Post by iceman on Feb 13, 2017 10:27:38 GMT -5
I went 577 days where I could say that I was no longer in a sexless marriage. That's a little over a year and a half. Not too shabby! As of today though, ILIASM (at least if you go by the <10 a year rule). It's been 9 times between today and this day last year. Now granted, if we get it on tonight (hypothetically, of course), I'll be back on track according to the numbers. It's not really a deal breaker for me yet. The fact that I'm technically sexless again is just an observation for now. I think we'll get back over 10 again soon. Besides, I don't treat that <10 rule as gospel. It certainly is interesting to see how the numbers have worked out over the past 2 years and 1 month though. I can see where the reset was and then how it tapered into a minimal effort and now it may be slipping across that line in the sand that I drew. It has been a very gradual progression. I'm glad I've been keeping track to help me see the trends. It'll be interesting to see how the rest of this year goes. Congratulations, i think? Whether it is 1 time or 12 times or 2 times per month etc. For me it is the QUALITY and much more than that Sex is just the tip of the iceberg as has been said so many times on these threads by members more wise than I. Is there intimacy? Cuddling? Kissing? Holding? etc. Is there still "LOVE" - beyond platonic - beyond the "I have compassion/empathy for you" kind of love, more like "in love" or even the more mature "attachment" and "Affection"? Sex in its basic form is just animalistic Lust. That will not do it for me. I need the whole package and sex is just a part of it. Right now I am way past keeping score and I have discovered that the SM was but the tip of the iceberg for much deeper serious trouble in my current Marriage. Quality really is the key. Are you satisfied, both physically and emotionally, after sex? Or are you feeling something is still missing, aside from frequency of course? To me frequency means very little. One can have sex multiple times a week and if it's starfish sex and there is no feeling that goes along with it in my mind, as odd as it might sound, one is still sexless. Just using the W, or H, as a fleshy masturbation toy. |
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Post by rejected101 on Feb 13, 2017 14:07:08 GMT -5
Whilst I agree with this quality over quantity view, there is a line. 3 amazing, heart stopping, orgasm drenched bonks will never be enough for most sexual people with a higher drive over a 12 month period. Certainly not enough for me. I would choose to have sex 3 times a month as a minimum. Yes twice amazing bonks would beat 3 average ones but when the numbers fall below the frequency at which you receive a pay packet (assuming you get paid once each month), the higher the quality only serves to remind you and tease you in to missing it so very much.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 13, 2017 14:33:41 GMT -5
I went 577 days where I could say that I was no longer in a sexless marriage. That's a little over a year and a half. Not too shabby! As of today though, ILIASM (at least if you go by the <10 a year rule). It's been 9 times between today and this day last year. Now granted, if we get it on tonight (hypothetically, of course), I'll be back on track according to the numbers. It's not really a deal breaker for me yet. How many times was it a yes compared to how many times it was a rejection? How many times did she initiate? How many times did she pop the clutch with you with a fast BJ or "hurry up and finish" to get it over and done? How often did she seem to avoid touching or any intimacy with you at all so you "didn't get the wrong idea?" Whether or not your rate of intercourse rises above or below some external count - what does it mean to you that you are counting it? Suppose you know a couple who are into each other, or who are at least matched in their rate of physical engagement with each other? Do you think they feel a need to count if they are over the line? Would it even occur to them? She's in the same marriage that you are in, and you want to have sex with her because it is a restorative thing for you, rather than depletive. If it's depleting her, such that she needs to dole it out in parsels, where do you think the endgame will be with this? What does it mean to you that she is behaving this way? Not shabby? |
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Post by csl on Feb 13, 2017 16:13:59 GMT -5
Dr. Townsend, one of the authors of Boundaries, said this, and it should be something that everyone in a SM should keep in mind, "intermittent reinforcement keeps us hooked in."
I used to do some fishing when I was younger, and my Dad would tell me that when a fish fought extra hard, "Give him line, play him." That kept the line from breaking and kept him hooked on my line. So remember, folks...
Intermittent Reinforcement Keeps Us Hooked In
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2017 16:39:39 GMT -5
Dr. Townsend, one of the authors of Boundaries, said this, and it should be something that everyone in a SM should keep in mind, "intermittent reinforcement keeps us hooked in." I used to do some fishing when I was younger, and my Dad would tell me that when a fish fought extra hard, "Give him line, play him." That kept the line from breaking and kept him hooked on my line. So remember, folks... Intermittent Reinforcement Keeps Us Hooked InOf course it does. This is why a trained sea lion keeps performing. He never knows when he will get the dead fish, so he keeps on trying. In our case, we never know when we get to fuck the dead fish. However, we get to decide when fucking a dead fish is no longer worth the effort. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 13, 2017 17:06:30 GMT -5
Dr. Townsend, one of the authors of Boundaries, said this, and it should be something that everyone in a SM should keep in mind, "intermittent reinforcement keeps us hooked in." I used to do some fishing when I was younger, and my Dad would tell me that when a fish fought extra hard, "Give him line, play him." That kept the line from breaking and kept him hooked on my line. So remember, folks... Intermittent Reinforcement Keeps Us Hooked InOf course it does. This is why a trained sea lion keeps performing. He never knows when he will get the dead fish, so he keeps on trying. In our case, we never know when we get to fuck the dead fish. However, we get to decide when fucking a dead fish is no longer worth the effort. LMAO - Somebody just fell out of their chair laughing. Yes, I still have a damn active sense of humor. Perfect! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Feb 13, 2017 17:55:49 GMT -5
I think it's great that you are tracking- speak to her, maybe, about noticing this decline & see if she'll ramp up for another year or two. I think you need to reinforce that you mean it - that the line in the sand has NOT moved.
But keep us posted on how this develops- I am interested in your results.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 13, 2017 17:59:49 GMT -5
I agree with @geekgoddess talk to your wife.
I kept track too and my data was pathetic but old habits die hard so I still keep track. Last year 2016 was my first year since 1992 that wasn't sexless.
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Post by baza on Feb 13, 2017 18:24:58 GMT -5
The "rolling annual average" is a useful method to use (it sounds like you are using something similar Brother beeman)
You can set it up on an XL spreadsheet pretty readily. And once set up it requires only a daily entry to keep on top of the trajectory.
You set up the immediate past 365 days, highlighting any day where you had a root, add the roots up, divide by 12 and there is your root per month average.
Tomorrow you drop off Feb 14 2016 and add on Feb 14 2017, add the roots up, divide by 12 and so on.
And there is a facility on XL where you can graph it and visually identify if you are trending upward or declining.
OTOH, directing all this effort into seeing a lawyer etc might be something that has a pay off at some time in the future.
I'm not so sure that "root counting" is likely to actually have any pay off down the line.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2017 22:56:02 GMT -5
Beeman, I'm sorry to see you back in that zone. Keep your chin up. You don't have far to go to turn it back around. Unlike some of us!!
Hang in there. You're fighting the good fight.
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 13, 2017 23:36:55 GMT -5
577 is a large number. Not sure if anyone here has reached it. Hopefully better times are ahead. I don't think a number a year determines a sexless marriage either. If the sex is good then you aren't sexless.
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Post by ggold on Feb 14, 2017 19:15:44 GMT -5
The fact that many of us actually keep track of the number is just telling and sad.
I guess I did years ago but gave up on it. What was the point? Too depressing. If we were satisfied, there would be no need for record keeping.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 14, 2017 19:57:34 GMT -5
What's also sad is that it means so much to us, and it happened so little. It was too easy to keep track of!
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