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Post by Dan on Feb 6, 2017 9:45:01 GMT -5
Then the h brings up my son and the dinner table. ( they cannot sit at a table and have normal conversation and always turns into an argument) ... I am looking at hm thinking (OH I am so done with this, We are done, I am now at my breaking point, you have just sent me over the edge ) . So, is this the gist?: your husband starts disparaging your son a) in front of you, b) in front of others, c) at what should have been a lighthearted social gathering, d) while you are still on your "I'm feeling a bit connected to him because we had sex recently" high. Is that right? OK, in case you didn't know: he is clueless. Or an idiot. Or both. My 2¢ is: as a couple: you need to work on your intimacy AND your communication skills! I'm not saying you did anything wrong in the moment. But if you want the marriage to work out, it seems that you need to work on more that how often you have marital relations. Is this something you are willing to do to try to help save the marriage? Is HE willing to do this? Case A) Maybe he HONESTLY did not know how upset this situation (between him and your son) makes you. Have you told him? Have you asked him to try to reconcile with your son? Have you said "your vinegar with him is bad for both of you, and it is damaging me. I ask you to mend fences for ALL of us. It is important to me." Case B) He knows full well he is being a jerk about your son, and knows it was in appropriate to bring it up in front of others. If so... he may be an irreconcilable jerk, and you may then have TWO solid reasons for going your own way. Which do you think is more accurate? Quick summary of my situation: two years ago my wife and I went back to marriage therapy. It was actually a SUCCESS in us working out several communication problems that we both had. So my household is much more livable in that many of those remained cleared up. But therapy was NOT successful at restarting marital intimacy... so, 1 out of 2 is probably not enough, and here I am. How about you? Do you think you can fix both of these issues? Do you think there are more? Do you think you (and he) would consider marriage therapy? |
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flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by flowerdust on Feb 6, 2017 9:57:33 GMT -5
Then the h brings up my son and the dinner table. ( they cannot sit at a table and have normal conversation and always turns into an argument) ... I am looking at hm thinking (OH I am so done with this, We are done, I am now at my breaking point, you have just sent me over the edge ) . So, is this the gist?: your husband starts disparaging your son a) in front of you, b) in front of others, c) at what should have been a lighthearted social gathering, d) while you are still on your "I'm feeling a bit connected to him because we had sex recently" high. Is that right? OK, in case you didn't know: he is clueless. Or an idiot. Or both. My 2¢ is: as a couple: you need to work on your intimacy AND your communication skills! I'm not saying you did anything wrong in the moment. But if you want the marriage to work out, it seems that you need to work on more that how often you have marital relations. Is this something you are willing to do to try to help save the marriage? Is HE willing to do this? Case A) Maybe he HONESTLY did not know how upset this situation (between him and your son) makes you. Have you told him? Have you asked him to try to reconcile with your son? Have you said "your vinegar with him is bad for both of you, and it is damaging me. I ask you to mend fences for ALL of us. It is important to me." Case B) He knows full well he is being a jerk about your son, and knows it was in appropriate to bring it up in front of others. If so... he may be an irreconcilable jerk, and you may then have TWO solid reasons for going your own way. Which do you think is more accurate? Quick summary of my situation: two years ago my wife and I went back to marriage therapy. It was actually a SUCCESS in us working out several communication problems that we both had. So my household is much more livable in that many of those remained cleared up. But therapy was NOT successful at restarting marital intimacy... so, 1 out of 2 is probably not enough, and here I am. How about you? Do you think you can fix both of these issues? Do you think there are more? Do you think you (and he) would consider marriage therapy? Good Morning Dan So Case B He knows that it upsets me to the core, and I have asked him to be the parent and the bigger person (Arguments at the dinner table are not except-able Ever) I have told him if there is something that he needs to talk to him about the dinner table is not the place or time to do it, several different times I have told him, it's not new. As for therapy Ya ok he will not go |
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Post by Dan on Feb 6, 2017 10:07:43 GMT -5
So Case B He knows that it upsets me to the core, and I have asked him to be the parent and the bigger person (Arguments at the dinner table are not except-able Ever) I have told him if there is something that he needs to talk to him about the dinner table is not the place or time to do it, several different times I have told him, it's not new. As for therapy Ya ok he will not go So... 1) if the sex was great (like a few days ago) once or twice a week, and you DIDN'T have to "hold a gun to his head" to get it regularly, AND 2) he kept up this uncivil behavior with your son, AND furthermore 3) he generally just would be dismissive about things like that that matter a lot to you emotionally and would refuse to work on them inside or outside of therapy... would you stay in the marriage? I have a hunch: no. And I have the feeling #1 is pretty unlikely. Your thoughts? |
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UP DATE
Feb 6, 2017 10:24:09 GMT -5
Dan likes this
Post by McRoomMate on Feb 6, 2017 10:24:09 GMT -5
LOOKING GOOD = FEELING GOOD (Like attracts liek) Excellent points here. The Worst thing I could do is "let myself go". Right now I am training hard, doing Martial Arts, medium weight lifting, I ran 7 miles yesterday. Probably in the best shape I have been in for years. We MUST do everything in our power to look our best physically - it is so so important. Exercise and sweating not only keeps me physically fit and thus more attractive to more women (Should I need this as option) - it keeps my mind healthy too - and especially all the toxic emotions and stress. So CONGRATS shamwow and flowerdust Looking good is feeling good. |
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flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61
Age Range: 46-50
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UP DATE
Feb 6, 2017 10:26:55 GMT -5
Post by flowerdust on Feb 6, 2017 10:26:55 GMT -5
So Case B He knows that it upsets me to the core, and I have asked him to be the parent and the bigger person (Arguments at the dinner table are not except-able Ever) I have told him if there is something that he needs to talk to him about the dinner table is not the place or time to do it, several different times I have told him, it's not new. As for therapy Ya ok he will not go So... 1) if the sex was great (like a few days ago) once or twice a week, and you DIDN'T have to "hold a gun to his head" to get it regularly, AND 2) he kept up this uncivil behavior with your son, AND furthermore 3) he generally just would be dismissive about things like that that matter a lot to you emotionally and would refuse to work on them inside or outside of therapy... would you stay in the marriage? I have a hunch: no. And I have the feeling #1 is pretty unlikely. Your thoughts? 1) once or twice a week would be great but will never happen we know this already 2) The behaviour with my son is on going "hence why we do not sit at the dinner table anymore" 3) I can talk about to him till I am blue in the face and nothing changes, Therapy he will not go,and even if he did at this point I do not even know if it would help. I feel so alone. Finally I come to realize that the past 20 years have been a big waste of my time (minus my children) |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 6, 2017 10:28:56 GMT -5
Braggart ! I think to count 3 ttimes I might have to go back 5 years. Where was that gun again? (completely joking... Gallows humor) Sad part is that I know it will not last ( reset sex) , and it was most likely the end of it for another 6 months until I start to beg once again ( which I will not be doing this time around) Absolutely - Let us make a PACT - this is my FINAL "Reset Sex" push of the button with current W - the next one if our relationship lapses to the old ways - it will be full scale Divorce and Ending it. I swear so help me Divine Providence. Thin ice. Very thin ice. No more chances, no mercy. |
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flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by flowerdust on Feb 6, 2017 10:35:46 GMT -5
Sad part is that I know it will not last ( reset sex) , and it was most likely the end of it for another 6 months until I start to beg once again ( which I will not be doing this time around) Absolutely - Let us make a PACT - this is my FINAL "Reset Sex" push of the button with current W - the next one if our relationship lapses to the old ways - it will be full scale Divorce and Ending it. I swear so help me Divine Providence. Thin ice. Very thin ice. No more chances, no mercy. Think I am past that he just smashed a hole in the ice and I feel like I am drowning |
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 6, 2017 10:46:19 GMT -5
Then the h brings up my son and the dinner table. ( they cannot sit at a table and have normal conversation and always turns into an argument) ... I am looking at hm thinking (OH I am so done with this, We are done, I am now at my breaking point, you have just sent me over the edge ) . So, is this the gist?: your husband starts disparaging your son a) in front of you, b) in front of others, c) at what should have been a lighthearted social gathering, d) while you are still on your "I'm feeling a bit connected to him because we had sex recently" high. Is that right? OK, in case you didn't know: he is clueless. Or an idiot. Or both. My 2¢ is: as a couple: you need to work on your intimacy AND your communication skills! I'm not saying you did anything wrong in the moment. But if you want the marriage to work out, it seems that you need to work on more that how often you have marital relations. Is this something you are willing to do to try to help save the marriage? Is HE willing to do this? Case A) Maybe he HONESTLY did not know how upset this situation (between him and your son) makes you. Have you told him? Have you asked him to try to reconcile with your son? Have you said "your vinegar with him is bad for both of you, and it is damaging me. I ask you to mend fences for ALL of us. It is important to me." Case B) He knows full well he is being a jerk about your son, and knows it was in appropriate to bring it up in front of others. If so... he may be an irreconcilable jerk, and you may then have TWO solid reasons for going your own way. Which do you think is more accurate? Quick summary of my situation: two years ago my wife and I went back to marriage therapy. It was actually a SUCCESS in us working out several communication problems that we both had. So my household is much more livable in that many of those remained cleared up. But therapy was NOT successful at restarting marital intimacy... so, 1 out of 2 is probably not enough, and here I am. How about you? Do you think you can fix both of these issues? Do you think there are more? Do you think you (and he) would consider marriage therapy? I haven't committed al of flowerdust's posts to memory so perhaps she has spoken more of her son's age or the situational dynamics between the 3 of them that I missed. But I think I am going to have to defend the H at this point, on this issue alone. The questions for me are how old is the son? Who generally says something that triggers the argument or are the 2 combatants predisposed to argue before the plates are set on the table. I feel some sense of fairness toward the H having read how defensive flowerdust is toward her son and that the son is valued at a much higher sum than her H. How many posts have we read here where the children are placed 1st and it is the children who receive all of one parents love, affection and attention? If there is anything left it may or may not trickle down to the other spouse. And it takes 2 to have a real argument. I don't know the son's age but if he is a teen we all know what changing hormones can do to then and consequencely to us. A case in point. At age 15 my son began having huge anger issues. He woke up mad and I mean mad at everything, everyone and every circumstance throughout the day. We tried all sorts of counselling, therapy, changing his diet, blood work for hormonal imbalances and more. Nothing was working and he continued to provoke arguments and confrontations with everyone. More than once I nearly came to blows with him as no amount of reasoning or talk deterred his disrespectful attitude. He became so rebellious his school had us in for a final conference. We finally ended up placing him in a wilderness camp for a year. So having been there with my own son I can have some sympathy for the H if, again if he is in a situation with the son where confrontation is the sons preferred venue for interaction, especially if flowerdust seems to be enforcing the sons side in the combative dynamic. Perhaps the H saw the more neutral setting as a way to invite some advice or thoughts from the friends for dealing with his son. Especially after flowerdust voiced the primacy of her son in the family hierarchy. I would need to know a lot more before I characterized the H as clueless or an idiot. I tend to agree with you on the communication aspect as you put forth in case A. Especially if what her H hears her saying is "my son will always be more important to me than you". |
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Post by Dan on Feb 6, 2017 10:52:46 GMT -5
I feel so alone. Finally I come to realize that the past 20 years have been a big waste of my time (minus my children) No. No. Emphatically: NO. Your life has not been a waste of time. Your life has been the necessary path for you to get where you ARE. Your marriage may not be salvagable... but this DOES NOT mean the past 20 years have been a waste. I understand the feeling of loss. I understand the feeling of loneliness. (I think we ALL here do.) That is natural. Let yourself feel these feelings. Use them to build your resolve that you must make a change; do something new. Become the new and better FlowerDust. You may feel lonely right now, but you are most certainly not alone. We are here for you. |
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flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by flowerdust on Feb 6, 2017 11:06:42 GMT -5
I feel so alone. Finally I come to realize that the past 20 years have been a big waste of my time (minus my children) No. No. Emphatically: NO. Your life has not been a waste of time. Your life has been the necessary path for you to get where you ARE. Your marriage may not be salvagable... but this DOES NOT mean the past 20 years have been a waste. I understand the feeling of loss. I understand the feeling of loneliness. (I think we ALL here do.) That is natural. Let yourself feel these feelings. Use them to build your resolve that you must make a change; do something new. Become the new and better FlowerDust. You may feel lonely right now, but you are most certainly not alone. We are here for you. Thank you Dan |
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flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by flowerdust on Feb 6, 2017 13:19:23 GMT -5
So, is this the gist?: your husband starts disparaging your son a) in front of you, b) in front of others, c) at what should have been a lighthearted social gathering, d) while you are still on your "I'm feeling a bit connected to him because we had sex recently" high. Is that right? OK, in case you didn't know: he is clueless. Or an idiot. Or both. My 2¢ is: as a couple: you need to work on your intimacy AND your communication skills! I'm not saying you did anything wrong in the moment. But if you want the marriage to work out, it seems that you need to work on more that how often you have marital relations. Is this something you are willing to do to try to help save the marriage? Is HE willing to do this? Case A) Maybe he HONESTLY did not know how upset this situation (between him and your son) makes you. Have you told him? Have you asked him to try to reconcile with your son? Have you said "your vinegar with him is bad for both of you, and it is damaging me. I ask you to mend fences for ALL of us. It is important to me." Case B) He knows full well he is being a jerk about your son, and knows it was in appropriate to bring it up in front of others. If so... he may be an irreconcilable jerk, and you may then have TWO solid reasons for going your own way. Which do you think is more accurate? Quick summary of my situation: two years ago my wife and I went back to marriage therapy. It was actually a SUCCESS in us working out several communication problems that we both had. So my household is much more livable in that many of those remained cleared up. But therapy was NOT successful at restarting marital intimacy... so, 1 out of 2 is probably not enough, and here I am. How about you? Do you think you can fix both of these issues? Do you think there are more? Do you think you (and he) would consider marriage therapy? I haven't committed al of flowerdust's posts to memory so perhaps she has spoken more of her son's age or the situational dynamics between the 3 of them that I missed. But I think I am going to have to defend the H at this point, on this issue alone. The questions for me are how old is the son? Who generally says something that triggers the argument or are the 2 combatants predisposed to argue before the plates are set on the table. I feel some sense of fairness toward the H having read how defensive flowerdust is toward her son and that the son is valued at a much higher sum than her H. How many posts have we read here where the children are placed 1st and it is the children who receive all of one parents love, affection and attention? If there is anything left it may or may not trickle down to the other spouse. And it takes 2 to have a real argument. I don't know the son's age but if he is a teen we all know what changing hormones can do to then and consequencely to us. A case in point. At age 15 my son began having huge anger issues. He woke up mad and I mean mad at everything, everyone and every circumstance throughout the day. We tried all sorts of counselling, therapy, changing his diet, blood work for hormonal imbalances and more. Nothing was working and he continued to provoke arguments and confrontations with everyone. More than once I nearly came to blows with him as no amount of reasoning or talk deterred his disrespectful attitude. He became so rebellious his school had us in for a final conference. We finally ended up placing him in a wilderness camp for a year. So having been there with my own son I can have some sympathy for the H if, again if he is in a situation with the son where confrontation is the sons preferred venue for interaction, especially if flowerdust seems to be enforcing the sons side in the combative dynamic. Perhaps the H saw the more neutral setting as a way to invite some advice or thoughts from the friends for dealing with his son. Especially after flowerdust voiced the primacy of her son in the family hierarchy. I would need to know a lot more before I characterized the H as clueless or an idiot. I tend to agree with you on the communication aspect as you put forth in case A. Especially if what her H hears her saying is "my son will always be more important to me than you". I will have to say that My H starts 90% of the arguments with my son and only at the dinner table and know other time. I am not saying that my son is an innocent bystander by no means, I understand that he has issues as a growing boy. But at what point as a parent do you say to yourself that this is not the place or time to pick a fight, who is the bigger person and at what point is a kid not going to lash out when a parent know how to push buttons. I also will add that I am the one who has to put a stop to it each and every time. My son will be turning 18 this month and is not my H son he has been in my sons life since he was a year old. He has always since my son was little telling me that there was something wrong with him ( Mentally) there is nothing wrong with my son he is a B+ student has a job has had a steady girlfriend for the for the past year. I even at on point had my son tested nothing at all wrong with him. But for what ever reason the discontent that my H has for him is unknown to me. He never treats his own daughter in this manner EVER ! who will be 15 this year, I do not treat ether of my children differently and do not put one before the other. |
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Post by LITW on Feb 6, 2017 15:26:16 GMT -5
Now I see why your avatar has a sad face. Every time I see someone degrading their children (or stepchildren) in public, I cringe. (It happens much more often than it should!) That is not acceptable, EVER ... dinner table or not, degrading ones own children is child abuse.
The fact that A) he knows it upsets you to the core and B) he refuses to go to counseling shows him to have psychopathic tendencies. You would do well to get out fast.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 6, 2017 17:52:10 GMT -5
We had it out last night. He was just being a major jerk and I just got so pissed off that I called him out. He keeps asking for more time to work his issues and, against my better judgment, I keep giving it to him. Time will tell. My gut tells me that there many be some "reset" sex, but the outlook of our relationship is still very much rocky. Am I a giant fool for giving him so many chances to turn this around? Would agree with the other comments. First - do you still love him? Second - How many chances is enough? I would say actually 1 more chance and then ruthless and sever (no more chances!), but that is me and my situation. And this what I am going to do. In an SM for over 10 years - after many discussions with my W on this - I dont know if I was Gaslighted or DARVO or maybe there is some or even a lot truth to her saying it is my fault (she said 100% my fault - but I will assume over 50% my fault - I have been a jerk, drunkie, etc. - I do not have clean hands - but no way 100% my fault). Third - Financial situation - can I handle being homeless or some horrible situation? Well actually I would not be homeless but she would get pretty much everything (House, money, business, etc) - but as my friend´s old Italian father told him on his divorce (when the wife got the big house and he got a studio) - "Such is the price of freedom." Fourth - Children? The timing of a Divorce should also take children into account - financial / etc. I have children when my Wife and I agreed to a Divorce on Saturday (but followed by passionate love making 6 hours later. Ahem. All I could think about was my children crying about the divorce - but "staying together for the kids" is not enough and as I have learned here on the Forum and observed in our own home if I pay attention - they know what is going on. Fifth - I think this is really really important (no scientific basis - just my gut and intuition) - again do you really still love your H? Or are the emotions just killed into toxic resentments and bitterness (I think much to my regret the love may be toast at this point). Any how you of course have this Whole Forums 100% support. Amen. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 6, 2017 17:59:27 GMT -5
Since yesterday I am walking around in a fog, thinking what the hell just happened ? After a couple of days sex and a couple of orgasms later and still having that feel good hormone also then being able to openly talk about the issues surrounding our SM So the communication is now open, ( Thats good right) ! We headed over to a friends house for a hot tub and beer day. As we were all sitting around chatting having a great time someone said something about children and how we protect them, I am like absolutely over anyone they are my main focus and will always come first. Then the h brings up my son and the dinner table. ( they cannot sit at a table and have normal conversation and always turns into an argument) So over the past couple of years we do not eat there anymore just because of it. I tried to have christmas dinner all of us sitting down (Nope same thing) He knows that it hurts me and brings back really bad childhood memories, so he knows this will hit a nerve and it did. I am looking at hm thinking (OH I am so done with this, We are done, I am now at my breaking point, you have just sent me over the edge ) . Why would he do that and in front of our friends knowing it will start an argument, and for five or so min that is what it did do, until I got up and walked out of the room. My friends at this point really do not know what is going on with us and a SM. Guess I really did not have that trump card after all. I am feeling so stupid thinking I could change or fix anything Absolutely Children come first. Getting out of a toxic marriage (SM and the whole arguing disfunction thing etc.) in my humble opinion is actually putting the Children first. Unhappy and miserable parents together is much much worse than happy divorced parents or at least one happy (instead of both miserable and married). I sincerely will you courage and strength to listen to your Heart-Mind and act according to your true will. |
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Post by baza on Feb 6, 2017 20:53:40 GMT -5
The bloke is a jerk.
Over recent days, he's a jerk who you fucked a couple of times, but still a jerk.
His ability to engage in sex may be wildly variable, but his ability to be a jerk is very very consistent.
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