Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2017 13:22:03 GMT -5
Talk is cheap, and it sounds like he's doing a lot of it. Actions are what counts .... and more importantly consistent actions. Throwing you a bone for a few weeks until he thinks you backed down is a common occurrence here after you blow up at your spouse then it's back to business as usually. So I will say again actions are what counts, talk and bullshit tree bark don't.
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flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by flowerdust on Feb 2, 2017 13:57:55 GMT -5
That is what I have been thinking for a while, on both counts. but how do I get him to fess up. Iam always about the truth I have never lied to him about anything, in return I expect the same. Here's a question for yourself: Why do you want him to fess up? Is it because you would want to repair the relationship or is it for Justice abd closure? That is a great question. Maybe because all the time I have been trying to repair my SM, I still have that last part of me that hopes that all the time and effort I have put in that it can be fixed. The other part of me says closure and I just want the truth. I realize I cannot have both and or one of them. |
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flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by flowerdust on Feb 2, 2017 14:45:15 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your input, I have learned so much about myself and his actions. It also gives me so much to ponder. As I sit and think about all the things I have done to try to fix this hoping things would change and never have I really like the term of reset sex as it is so true in my case it explains so much.
Things I have done to try to fix my SM are as follows
romantic candle light dinners
Romantic trips away (Cuba, The falls)
Toys
Over the top bedroom wear (i.e.) Stiletto CFM's stockings and all the stuff that go's with it ( among other things)
Going on walks
cuddle
Talking about this problem and being understanding and supportive over and over and over again. Even when he rolled over and went to sleep leaving me frustrated ( reset sex) and (why chasing) So I find out
Made him talk to his dr
I have talk to his dr, ( We have the same dr)
Getting the ED fix it pills for him
Talk to my therapist
Even went as far as to dress up sexy when we went out. and Nothing
So unless anyone else can think of something I have not tried or maybe I have done it all wrong. I am so out of ides's I am tired and at this point I just want it to all fall on the floor and sort it self out . If he has no desire then let me go, if he thinks that he can get his shit together well at this point I don't know if I can trust him.
I do have an exit strategy for Sept of this year, which it should give time to resolve issues house ,children as well as other things. It will also let me give him the benefit of letting him get his shit together which I think is more then nice of me to do. I am not telling him about this plain at this point, really like to see how he plays this one out, just for shits and giggles.
I have already looked up everything legal and finding out what I need to do. Including what condos or apartments go for in my area so I know what I will need. So the process has started cross my fingers and hope for the best
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Post by iceman on Feb 2, 2017 14:58:22 GMT -5
It looks like I'm a little late to this party but I'll throw my two cents in ... I'm not buying that he's been investigating this latest treatment for weeks. It sounds like it's a reaction to your 'come to jesus' talk and may be scared that you really might carry through with your threats to divorce or outsource. I don't think he's had a fundamental change of heart. He's trying to delay and distract you enough to sow some seeds of doubt in your mind. A tactic I've seen far too often with my wife.
If sex was important to him and he felt that sex was important to a marriage he would have done something about it already. He hasn't and that would tell me all I need to know. If he has a legitimate health issue that is affecting his libido and/or his ability to perform sexually and he is refusing to deal with it or is stalling that would tell me that sex isn't at all important to him and has no clue how important it is to your marriage.The fact that he expects you just sacrrifce your sexuality while he delays is completely unacceptable. If he can't get it up or keep it up long enough to do the job there are many other ways that he could give you some sexual satisfaction that doesn't require an erection or you doing the job yourself. That isn't happening and until his words result in some actual actions nothing has changed for you in my mind.
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flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by flowerdust on Feb 2, 2017 15:04:08 GMT -5
It looks like I'm a little late to this party but I'll throw my two cents in ... I'm not buying that he's been investigating this latest treatment for weeks. It sounds like it's a reaction to your 'come to jesus' talk and may be scared that you really might carry through with your threats to divorce or outsource. I don't think he's had a fundamental change of heart. He's trying to delay and distract you enough to sow some seeds of doubt in your mind. A tactic I've seen far too often with my wife. If sex was important to him and he felt that sex was important to a marriage he would have done something about it already. He hasn't and that would tell me all I need to know. If he has a legitimate health issue that is affecting his libido and/or his ability to perform sexually and he is refusing to deal with it or is stalling that would tell me that sex isn't at all important to him and has no clue how important it is to your marriage.The fact that he expects you just sacrrifce your sexuality while he delays is completely unacceptable. If he can't get it up or keep it up long enough to do the job there are many other ways that he could give you some sexual satisfaction that doesn't require an erection or you doing the job yourself. That isn't happening and until his words result in some actual actions nothing has changed for you in my mind. Absolutely. Don't think I cold have said it better, most of which is what I have been thinking all along. |
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Post by snowman12345 on Feb 2, 2017 22:37:14 GMT -5
"This is what he says to me. I don't know what you mean about not finishing you off, And apparently after 20 years I don't know him."
Is he unaware that you are capable of orgasms too? It doesn't sound like he even cares.
I would look at his "herbal" crap as an attempt at gaslighting. He will say many things, but what are his actions telling you?
Look, he has what he wants - a wife and no sexual obligations. Why would he want to change?
You can't change him - the only thing you can change is yourself. You have the same three basic choices as the rest of us - stay, knowing it will be sexless; leave and chance gaining control of your life or stay and cheat, risking a lot more.
Your life, your choice.
I wish you good luck and I hope you find peace.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 3, 2017 10:46:08 GMT -5
Often pulling out a gun and pointing it at someone can get an immediate (if temporary) change in behavior. When you used the words Outsource and Divorce, you put a pair of six shooters on the table facing him. It is unlikely any behavioral changes are the result of a newfound wellspring of love. Rather, he is looking down the barrels of those guns not liking what he sees. Gun analogy Huh? Well I was taught and do believe truly do not pull that "gun" out and point unless you fully intend and are capable to use it! Oh hell yes. |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 3, 2017 11:16:28 GMT -5
Often pulling out a gun and pointing it at someone can get an immediate (if temporary) change in behavior. When you used the words Outsource and Divorce, you put a pair of six shooters on the table facing him. It is unlikely any behavioral changes are the result of a newfound wellspring of love. Rather, he is looking down the barrels of those guns not liking what he sees. Gun analogy Huh? Well I was taught and do believe truly do not pull that "gun" out and point unless you fully intend and are capable to use it! Oh hell yes. I was of the same philosophy too and still am really. I don't believe in threatening with something you are not prepared to follow through. So in my marriage I was a fixer and loyal and I was attracted to my H until one day I wasn't. So I tried to get him to want sex with me except threaten him with divorce. By the time I threatened him with divorce I no longer was attracted to him. On the one hand I wonder if maybe while I was still attracted to him if I would have threatened with divorce if we could have repaired the marriage, that my heart talking. On the other hand I know that I should not have to long for my H to want sex with me. That we had no business being married and that's my head talking. I guess in summary and retrospect, I don't think there's anything wrong with throwing out the divorce word if it's used wisely. For example, "I'm not happy in this marriage, we are in a SM and that's unacceptable, if things don't change permanently then I see divorce in our future, what you do with this information is up to you but don't act surprised if one day I no longer want to be married to you". |
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Post by solodriver on Feb 3, 2017 14:56:31 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your input, I have learned so much about myself and his actions. It also gives me so much to ponder. As I sit and think about all the things I have done to try to fix this hoping things would change and never have I really like the term of reset sex as it is so true in my case it explains so much. Things I have done to try to fix my SM are as follows romantic candle light dinners Romantic trips away (Cuba, The falls) Toys Over the top bedroom wear (i.e.) Stiletto CFM's stockings and all the stuff that go's with it ( among other things) Going on walks cuddle Talking about this problem and being understanding and supportive over and over and over again. Even when he rolled over and went to sleep leaving me frustrated ( reset sex) and (why chasing) So I find out Made him talk to his dr I have talk to his dr, ( We have the same dr) Getting the ED fix it pills for him Talk to my therapist Even went as far as to dress up sexy when we went out. and Nothing So unless anyone else can think of something I have not tried or maybe I have done it all wrong. I am so out of ides's I am tired and at this point I just want it to all fall on the floor and sort it self out . If he has no desire then let me go, if he thinks that he can get his shit together well at this point I don't know if I can trust him. I do have an exit strategy for Sept of this year, which it should give time to resolve issues house ,children as well as other things. It will also let me give him the benefit of letting him get his shit together which I think is more then nice of me to do. I am not telling him about this plain at this point, really like to see how he plays this one out, just for shits and giggles. I have already looked up everything legal and finding out what I need to do. Including what condos or apartments go for in my area so I know what I will need. So the process has started cross my fingers and hope for the best I would be so damn happy if my wife put in 1/25th of the effort you have put in to address your SM. OMG it's not you at all, it's all on him and you've addressed it as kindly and loving as anyone could.
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 3, 2017 16:28:07 GMT -5
Gun analogy Huh? Well I was taught and do believe truly do not pull that "gun" out and point unless you fully intend and are capable to use it! Oh hell yes. I was of the same philosophy too and still am really. I don't believe in threatening with something you are not prepared to follow through. So in my marriage I was a fixer and loyal and I was attracted to my H until one day I wasn't. So I tried to get him to want sex with me except threaten him with divorce. By the time I threatened him with divorce I no longer was attracted to him. On the one hand I wonder if maybe while I was still attracted to him if I would have threatened with divorce if we could have repaired the marriage, that my heart talking. On the other hand I know that I should not have to long for my H to want sex with me. That we had no business being married and that's my head talking. I guess in summary and retrospect, I don't think there's anything wrong with throwing out the divorce word if it's used wisely. For example, "I'm not happy in this marriage, we are in a SM and that's unacceptable, if things don't change permanently then I see divorce in our future, what you do with this information is up to you but don't act surprised if one day I no longer want to be married to you". Wow. You spoke from the Heart and the Mind. I just feel a massive does of Honesty coming from you. Right on! Beautiful really. |
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Post by McRoomMate on Feb 3, 2017 16:31:28 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your input, I have learned so much about myself and his actions. It also gives me so much to ponder. As I sit and think about all the things I have done to try to fix this hoping things would change and never have I really like the term of reset sex as it is so true in my case it explains so much. Things I have done to try to fix my SM are as follows romantic candle light dinners Romantic trips away (Cuba, The falls) Toys Over the top bedroom wear (i.e.) Stiletto CFM's stockings and all the stuff that go's with it ( among other things) Going on walks cuddle Talking about this problem and being understanding and supportive over and over and over again. Even when he rolled over and went to sleep leaving me frustrated ( reset sex) and (why chasing) So I find out Made him talk to his dr I have talk to his dr, ( We have the same dr) Getting the ED fix it pills for him Talk to my therapist Even went as far as to dress up sexy when we went out. and Nothing So unless anyone else can think of something I have not tried or maybe I have done it all wrong. I am so out of ides's I am tired and at this point I just want it to all fall on the floor and sort it self out . If he has no desire then let me go, if he thinks that he can get his shit together well at this point I don't know if I can trust him. I do have an exit strategy for Sept of this year, which it should give time to resolve issues house ,children as well as other things. It will also let me give him the benefit of letting him get his shit together which I think is more then nice of me to do. I am not telling him about this plain at this point, really like to see how he plays this one out, just for shits and giggles. I have already looked up everything legal and finding out what I need to do. Including what condos or apartments go for in my area so I know what I will need. So the process has started cross my fingers and hope for the best I would be so damn happy if my wife put in 1/25th of the effort you have put in to address your SM. OMG it's not you at all, it's all on him and you've addressed it as kindly and loving as anyone could.
If either My W or Me had put also 1/25th of what you did into our SM (and loveless/passionless/Room Mate etc. We would not be here and me reading posts here (She is in bed binge watching TV Shows right now). Seriously FULL RESPECT to your courage and perseverance and Love that you have shown and proven. Sorry for you to be here too. But this is a really good Form absolutely. |
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 3, 2017 16:55:11 GMT -5
I was of the same philosophy too and still am really. I don't believe in threatening with something you are not prepared to follow through. So in my marriage I was a fixer and loyal and I was attracted to my H until one day I wasn't. So I tried to get him to want sex with me except threaten him with divorce. By the time I threatened him with divorce I no longer was attracted to him. On the one hand I wonder if maybe while I was still attracted to him if I would have threatened with divorce if we could have repaired the marriage, that my heart talking. On the other hand I know that I should not have to long for my H to want sex with me. That we had no business being married and that's my head talking. I guess in summary and retrospect, I don't think there's anything wrong with throwing out the divorce word if it's used wisely. For example, "I'm not happy in this marriage, we are in a SM and that's unacceptable, if things don't change permanently then I see divorce in our future, what you do with this information is up to you but don't act surprised if one day I no longer want to be married to you". Wow. You spoke from the Heart and the Mind. I just feel a massive does of Honesty coming from you. Right on! Beautiful really. Thank you. Well if I've learned anything from being in a SM its that I must speak from both my heart and mind to be true to what I want for my future. |
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Post by shamwow on Feb 4, 2017 9:18:56 GMT -5
Bballgirl is anything but subtle. I think it is safe to say that after she got out of her SM she decided to LIVE life. Bravo! I hope I have the same gusto to take the bull by the horns when I am emancipated.
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flowerdust
Junior Member
Posts: 61
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by flowerdust on Feb 4, 2017 10:01:52 GMT -5
Well like I said I wanted to see what happens just for shits and giggles. Well the reset sex has started ( He even finished me off !!!!) but I was expecting that . Now he is posting all this mushy stuff on Facebook with pictures of the both of us, Think in his mind it is a Wow look at me ! I did my wife !!! She will stop nagging me for the next 6months.
He is going to have to do much more then that to create a buy in at this point. With respect to divorce or out sourcing the way I put it to him was the long at the short of it was (If you do not get your shit together this is what is going to happen)
I have used this at this point because I am tired like I said before almost 10 years of begging and only 3 maybe 4 times a year thats like every quarter what am I a tax calculation. He has no idea where my head is at, I have been cruising single and AM sites . When we go out like last night I dress to the nines for three reason trying to explain this so I don't sound Iam all that and more because I am so not. So reason 1) So I can feel just a little better about myself To feel like a woman
2) So I can see also my H can see that I other men do look at me. 3) Hoping that he will sit back and say to himself maybe I should get my shit together, after his friends last night were saying infront of him how good I looked and one even saying I looked sexy, Don't really know if he even clued in that I got hit on by one of his friends as he was sitting there.
We will see what happens over the next few days and go from there.
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Post by shamwow on Feb 4, 2017 10:26:23 GMT -5
It might seem superficial but taking the time to make yourself look good can help you feel good.
In my case, I've lost 44 pounds (10 more to go to hit my target of 198) over the past 9 months and loom/feel a lot better. Starting tomorrow I'm going to start learning to get some lean muscle on my frame. It is finally starting to get tbrough my thick head that maybe, just maybe, it isn't my fault that my wife doesn't find me desirable/attractive. One would expect that, even once, with that type of change, one's spouse would say "you look good"
Friends, neighbors, co-workers have all made favorable comments, but at this point, I'm trying to look good for me, not a wife who doesn't give a crap.
Our extended family is going on a cruise in March. I am looking forward to looking GOOD in front of her family. When the news eventually comes out that I asked for a divorce the natural assumption will be I was having an affair. Not happening and not gonna happen.
It will be up to her to explain to her family why she found me so unattractive that she drove me away. Hopefully she might fill me in at the same time.
So, girl, you make yourself look good and enjoy the attention!
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