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Post by brian on Nov 27, 2016 8:21:38 GMT -5
Besides the obvious ones of money, exit plan, and outsourcing, what is the biggest thing that you have purposely hidden from your refuser?
For me, at least right now, it's that I have minor hand surgery scheduled in less than 2 weeks. This was scheduled nearly a month ago and the condition that sent me to the doctor started almost a month before that. My refuser knows nothing. I have no desire to tell her until I have to. I knew what would happen if I had told her immediately and I know what she'll say and think if she learns about it between now and the scheduled date... or after the surgery. I picked the lesser of the evils... to not say anything until I absolutely have to. It's a local anesthetic, so I won't need her to bring me home. I'll do this completely on my own. She'll be upset, but that's better than her coming up with all of the horrible things that MIGHT happen or the life-threatening conditions that I MIGHT have and worrying herself sick about it (and projecting all of that onto me). I like to take life as it comes. It's not that I don't plan for the future, but I don't dwell and worry about all of the bad things that might happen... ruins the ride.
So... let's have it. What have you kept hidden?
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Post by brian on Nov 27, 2016 8:41:33 GMT -5
lol... except that's the way she wants it... hidden... forever.
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Post by nancyb on Nov 27, 2016 9:29:53 GMT -5
I have hidden the essential core of my being from my STBX. He has hurt me so much with his rejection over the years I won’t let him touch my soul and that's a real shame because I have a whole lot of love to give.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 27, 2016 10:14:57 GMT -5
I'm the same, nancyb - I slowly but surely hid more of my spirit, opinion, emotion, preferences = my "ME" I didn't understand ten how hard it would be to get it back. It's a real journey to unearth all the dysfunctional patterns I created for myself & now try to unlearn those. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 27, 2016 10:26:45 GMT -5
My true self. It's been rejected, controlled, over-ruled so many times it hardly exists.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 27, 2016 10:52:31 GMT -5
Besides the obvious ones of money, exit plan, and outsourcing, what is the biggest thing that you have purposely hidden from your refuser? For me, at least right now, it's that I have minor hand surgery scheduled in less than 2 weeks. This was scheduled nearly a month ago and the condition that sent me to the doctor started almost a month before that. My refuser knows nothing. I have no desire to tell her until I have to. I knew what would happen if I had told her immediately and I know what she'll say and think if she learns about it between now and the scheduled date... or after the surgery. I picked the lesser of the evils... to not say anything until I absolutely have to. It's a local anesthetic, so I won't need her to bring me home. I'll do this completely on my own. She'll be upset, but that's better than her coming up with all of the horrible things that MIGHT happen or the life-threatening conditions that I MIGHT have and worrying herself sick about it (and projecting all of that onto me). I like to take life as it comes. It's not that I don't plan for the future, but I don't dwell and worry about all of the bad things that might happen... ruins the ride. So... let's have it. What have you kept hidden? A similar story. I had a blood clot form and press on my lung. An accident that hurt my back had me sit, a lot, for a month. A blood clot formed in my leg from all the sitting, it traveled to my lung. A freak one time thing. My wife had left on a business trip when the mild chest pains kept coming. A neighbor took me to the hospital. I had no idea the life threatening event that was occurring. I did not want to tell my wife. She was so de-tached from me anyways. Things would be fine back at the house. She showed up at the hospital as they were wheeling me into my room. I sat up and said,"why are you here?" She stayed about 15 minutes and went home. She cancelled her flight and her trip. I received far more, and longer visits from platonic friends from church than from her. 7 days later when I was home I was blasted with complaints about how busy she was having to do so many things by herself. (not a hint of recognition for all that I do,and what it was like without me) I told her, 'the world would not have ended! The kids could have missed there sports, classes, activities, events, the kids could have helped out a lot more." Like normal, my words mean nothing, you don't correct or criticize a controller. My instincts were right from the beginning. There was no concern about me, she had to keep up the false image, it was her reputation, her kids, her family, her way of doing things. |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Nov 27, 2016 10:52:57 GMT -5
Agree with the last few responses. Over the years he slowly lost me, I withdrew and hid my true self. Some to keep the peace, some to keep my sanity. Like GeekGoddess , it has taken time to rediscover myself and put all the pieces back together (still working on that!  ) . |
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Post by sminpa on Nov 27, 2016 10:57:18 GMT -5
Applied for and was offered a new job. Would have taken it but the money wasn't what I needed. The interview process was three steps.
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Post by warmways on Nov 27, 2016 11:30:45 GMT -5
I agree with all of these.
He's missed out on so much with me. I'm beginning to do so much more of what I want and like and what makes me happy. What do I have to lose? I've hidden my real thoughts as it's not safe to be real as he can't handle the truth. He blows up or causes a scene for days if I say what I'm truly thinking. He asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said a vibrator. He looked shocked and said he didn't really think that was something he should buy me. So this morning I went to babeland and ordered one. So there. Doing my own thing more and more and he's not gonna pull me down.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 27, 2016 12:55:12 GMT -5
I'm with nancyb here. I'm a lot more reserved with W, which is not the relationship I want. In a word, passion. Not just intimacy, but life. She doesn't have it, doesn't want it. I have to find other outlets for mine. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 27, 2016 14:47:00 GMT -5
My needs, my wants, my fantasies. My professional goals. Haven't said a word to her about that internship in DC, or that I've started working on my grad school applications and gathering references for it.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Nov 27, 2016 15:15:18 GMT -5
I agree with all of these. He's missed out on so much with me. I'm beginning to do so much more of what I want and like and what makes me happy. What do I have to lose? I've hidden my real thoughts as it's not safe to be real as he can't handle the truth. He blows up or causes a scene for days if I say what I'm truly thinking. He asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said a vibrator. He looked shocked and said he didn't really think that was something he should buy me. So this morning I went to babeland and ordered one. So there. Doing my own thing more and more and he's not gonna pull me down. This strikes me as very odd - my refuser was odd about toys also ... as if they were going to be his competition? It says so much about what he thinks he brings to the relationship. Especially compared to men on this site, who I have had tell me they'd really enjoy a partner who was comfortable using toys (that is: together!). Our refusers killed off their own imagination I think. |
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Post by obobfla on Nov 27, 2016 15:50:18 GMT -5
Thought I wasn't holding anything back (other than outsourcing), but I realized that I was withholding my fears and worries. I never complain to her about anything affecting my health or tell her that a clink in that engine might mean a large repair bill. She worries enough, and anything I tell her will snowball into an avalanche. I can't give her anything to add to her paranoia.
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Post by thefullmoon on Nov 27, 2016 18:42:33 GMT -5
Besides the obvious ones of money, exit plan, and outsourcing, what is the biggest thing that you have purposely hidden from your refuser? For me, at least right now, it's that I have minor hand surgery scheduled in less than 2 weeks. This was scheduled nearly a month ago and the condition that sent me to the doctor started almost a month before that. My refuser knows nothing. I have no desire to tell her until I have to. I knew what would happen if I had told her immediately and I know what she'll say and think if she learns about it between now and the scheduled date... or after the surgery. I picked the lesser of the evils... to not say anything until I absolutely have to. It's a local anesthetic, so I won't need her to bring me home. I'll do this completely on my own. She'll be upset, but that's better than her coming up with all of the horrible things that MIGHT happen or the life-threatening conditions that I MIGHT have and worrying herself sick about it (and projecting all of that onto me). I like to take life as it comes. It's not that I don't plan for the future, but I don't dwell and worry about all of the bad things that might happen... ruins the ride. So... let's have it. What have you kept hidden? Wow...plenty... Teeth implants, face lift...flew abroad several times...but I have very special situation...my husband has very serious mental decline.. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2016 19:19:28 GMT -5
I hide my sadness, loneliness and desperation
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) . 
