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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 27, 2016 21:33:22 GMT -5
Here's another. It does involve money. I received my parents inheritance. I wanted to invest it in real estate. I purchased the first house with part of it, wanting to buy two more. We discussed it. Like normal her "no" somehow ends everything and goes her way. Or my "no" is meaningless and gets manipulated and swept under the rug. I had facts, numbers,stats, she had fears, wanted to wait until she thought it would prove okay, a year, then what? One of the rare times I did what "she claims she wants". I took charge, ( like she claims she wants me to do) and bought another house. Short story, one house supports the other when expenses occur, they have doubled in value in 3 years. She still is upset about it ,like I went behind her back. I keep reminding her, " I asked you, I informed you, It's not always your way."
Side note: A sticky point in the divorce. Joint ownership, inheritance money, names on deeds, I do 98% of the work.
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Post by wom360 on Nov 27, 2016 21:37:44 GMT -5
I agree...the marriage becomes a facade really. For me conversations distilled to one word answers from him. I wasn't at all engaged really the last few years. I never shared the fact that I gave a BJ to a younger man who happened to me my landlord at the time. Should have been a fuck my he was too uptight about me being married. Now the thread gets interesting... Where in Canada?  |
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 27, 2016 22:26:45 GMT -5
Here's another. It does involve money. I received my parents inheritance. I wanted to invest it in real estate. I purchased the first house with part of it, wanting to buy two more. We discussed it. Like normal her "no" somehow ends everything and goes her way. Or my "no" is meaningless and gets manipulated and swept under the rug. I had facts, numbers,stats, she had fears, wanted to wait until she thought it would prove okay, a year, then what? One of the rare times I did what "she claims she wants". I took charge, ( like she claims she wants me to do) and bought another house. Short story, one house supports the other when expenses occur, they have doubled in value in 3 years. She still is upset about it ,like I went behind her back. I keep reminding her, " I asked you, I informed you, It's not always your way." Side note: A sticky point in the divorce. Joint ownership, inheritance money, names on deeds, I do 98% of the work. I hope for your sake that you didn't comingle the inheritance with marital funds nor put her name on the title or mortgage for the real estate purchased with funds from your inheritance. |
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Post by solodriver on Nov 27, 2016 23:01:41 GMT -5
I have hidden the essential core of my being from my STBX. He has hurt me so much with his rejection over the years I won’t let him touch my soul and that's a real shame because I have a whole lot of love to give. Nancyb, there may be someone out there who will appreciate all the love you have to give, and that should give you hope. You know you had no hope staying in your marriage with your refuser. 
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Post by solodriver on Nov 27, 2016 23:50:15 GMT -5
This strikes me as very odd - my refuser was odd about toys also ... as if they were going to be his competition? It says so much about what he thinks he brings to the relationship. Especially compared to men on this site, who I have had tell me they'd really enjoy a partner who was comfortable using toys (that is: together!). Our refusers killed off their own imagination I think. Male refusers may bluff about how "we're past that sex stuff now". Or some such thing to suggest their wive's needs are inappropriate or unreasonable or whatever. It's a recurring theme here. But in fact, it is simply not possible for any man not to understand he is not being very manly. Any suggestion of sex might trigger that blow to his ego. So it wouldn't surprise me that the men do not want to deal with the idea of female sex toys since those toys are obviously a replacement for what they are unable or unwilling to provide. I can't think of a greater blow to their ego. Don't ask me why he doesn't just fuck you in order to assuage his fragile male ego. I'm a male but I'm no refuser... I don't get it either But what is bad, is a refusing wife who uses a V in secret, but refuses to share that with her husband and allows him to feel those feelings that we have from the rejection of our wife. |
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Post by solodriver on Nov 27, 2016 23:53:03 GMT -5
Wow. About ten years ago when I felt like things were slipping, I did some research online and ordered a little vibrator that I thought might rekindle her interest.....but oh man, when it arrived she heaped shame upon me and that thing was being returned the very next day. I think she was appalled. I felt like shit. I was trying. But in hindsight, it is all crystal clear. I'm so sorry you went through that. If I had done that the very same thing would have happened to me. I can't even discuss sex with her anymore without being shamed for having a sex drive. And back when we first met, we were as passionate lovers as you can imagine.
Damn!
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Post by solodriver on Nov 27, 2016 23:57:40 GMT -5
Actually all of our stories make me sad. Sexual intimacy is a basic human need like food or water. In the end we are all just lonely hearts looking for love. "In the end we are all just lonely hearts looking for love."
Amen nancyb! I wish I could plus this by a million.
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Post by JMX on Nov 28, 2016 0:10:14 GMT -5
Besides the obvious ones of money, exit plan, and outsourcing, what is the biggest thing that you have purposely hidden from your refuser? For me, at least right now, it's that I have minor hand surgery scheduled in less than 2 weeks. This was scheduled nearly a month ago and the condition that sent me to the doctor started almost a month before that. My refuser knows nothing. I have no desire to tell her until I have to. I knew what would happen if I had told her immediately and I know what she'll say and think if she learns about it between now and the scheduled date... or after the surgery. I picked the lesser of the evils... to not say anything until I absolutely have to. It's a local anesthetic, so I won't need her to bring me home. I'll do this completely on my own. She'll be upset, but that's better than her coming up with all of the horrible things that MIGHT happen or the life-threatening conditions that I MIGHT have and worrying herself sick about it (and projecting all of that onto me). I like to take life as it comes. It's not that I don't plan for the future, but I don't dwell and worry about all of the bad things that might happen... ruins the ride. So... let's have it. What have you kept hidden? A similar story. I had a blood clot form and press on my lung. An accident that hurt my back had me sit, a lot, for a few months. A blood clot formed in my leg from all the sitting, it traveled to my lung. A freak one time thing. My wife had left on a business trip when the mild chest pains kept coming. A neighbor took me to the hospital. I had no idea the life threatening event that was occurring. I did not want to tell my wife. She was so de-tached from me anyways. Things would be fine back at the house. She showed up at the hospital as they were wheeling me into my room. I sat up and said,"why are you here?" She stayed about 15 minutes and went home. She cancelled her flight and her trip. I received far more, and longer visits from platonic friends from church than from her. 7 days later when I was home I was blasted with complaints about how busy she was having to do so many things by herself. (not a hint of recognition for all that I do,and what it was like without me) I told her, 'the world would not have ended! The kids could have missed there sports, classes, activities, events, the kids could have helped out a lot more." Like normal, my words mean nothing, you don't correct or criticize a controller. My instincts were right from the beginning. There was no concern about me, she had to keep up the false image, it was her reputation, her kids, her family, her way of doing things. Shoot Greatcoastal - that's simply awful. |
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Post by solodriver on Nov 28, 2016 0:11:34 GMT -5
True that all of us are just lonely hearts looking for love. Our spouses? Narcissist, manipulative controllers, controllers, takers, asexual ,grey sexual, menopause, low libido, mental disorders, fear of intimacy, drug abusers, alcohol abusers, cheaters, gamblers, etc... (I'm sure I have left out a few) I didn't just mean ILIASM folks. I think the human drive is toward connectivity. All I have ever wanted to do was share my love and passion with someone who has the same feelings. I thought I met her, but she allowed her body to convince her mind that it couldn't happen and didn't care about what my desires were anymore. That careless rejection has caused pain has been incredibly hard.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 28, 2016 0:14:59 GMT -5
I replied to Craiglists ad and so far it's only been penpals. What are the good dating websites? I don't mind paying a bit and I am from Canada eh. Though I can't bring myself to do that, I know if a woman ever shows me any attention, I'll respond to it and will not even be ashamed of it. |
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 28, 2016 0:44:12 GMT -5
I expanded my lab space and fitted it out with all new equipment, while telling him it was just a storage room that I was using for random stuff from Craigslist. Am I the only guy here excited about a woman with a lab?! ;-) More details, please! |
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Post by deleted on Nov 28, 2016 3:30:06 GMT -5
1. A three year long distance emotional affair.
2. A three year emotional affair with a co-worker that wasn't really hidden very well. The idea was to sort of punish the refuser.
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 28, 2016 3:38:28 GMT -5
"Like normal, my words mean nothing, you don't correct or criticize a controller."
greatcoastal, amen to that.
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Post by cagedtiger on Nov 28, 2016 9:37:48 GMT -5
Another one. Bought tickets to a two-day music festival coming up in the spring. Didn't tell her, after her meltdowns at the last few shows we've gone to together. The headliner is playing a show here in town the night before the festival starts, and she overheard my brother and I talking about that show, and asked if i was getting tickets for us (she pretty much ruined the show and the weekend for me when we went to see them in a 10 year reunion tour last year), so I told her I'd try to get those tickets. Didn't tell her that I was able to.
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Post by wom360 on Nov 28, 2016 10:26:38 GMT -5
Another one. Bought tickets to a two-day music festival coming up in the spring. Didn't tell her, after her meltdowns at the last few shows we've gone to together. The headliner is playing a show here in town the night before the festival starts, and she overheard my brother and I talking about that show, and asked if i was getting tickets for us (she pretty much ruined the show and the weekend for me when we went to see them in a 10 year reunion tour last year), so I told her I'd try to get those tickets. Didn't tell her that I was able to. Tell her too bad you're not going in the same tone she uses to tell you you aren't getting laid. |
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