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Post by beachguy on Nov 27, 2016 19:20:27 GMT -5
I agree with all of these. He's missed out on so much with me. I'm beginning to do so much more of what I want and like and what makes me happy. What do I have to lose? I've hidden my real thoughts as it's not safe to be real as he can't handle the truth. He blows up or causes a scene for days if I say what I'm truly thinking. He asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said a vibrator. He looked shocked and said he didn't really think that was something he should buy me. So this morning I went to babeland and ordered one. So there. Doing my own thing more and more and he's not gonna pull me down. This strikes me as very odd - my refuser was odd about toys also ... as if they were going to be his competition? It says so much about what he thinks he brings to the relationship. Especially compared to men on this site, who I have had tell me they'd really enjoy a partner who was comfortable using toys (that is: together!). Our refusers killed off their own imagination I think. Male refusers may bluff about how "we're past that sex stuff now". Or some such thing to suggest their wive's needs are inappropriate or unreasonable or whatever. It's a recurring theme here. But in fact, it is simply not possible for any man not to understand he is not being very manly. Any suggestion of sex might trigger that blow to his ego. So it wouldn't surprise me that the men do not want to deal with the idea of female sex toys since those toys are obviously a replacement for what they are unable or unwilling to provide. I can't think of a greater blow to their ego. Don't ask me why he doesn't just fuck you in order to assuage his fragile male ego. I'm a male but I'm no refuser... I don't get it either |
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Post by thebaffledking on Nov 27, 2016 19:25:52 GMT -5
Wow. About ten years ago when I felt like things were slipping, I did some research online and ordered a little vibrator that I thought might rekindle her interest.....but oh man, when it arrived she heaped shame upon me and that thing was being returned the very next day. I think she was appalled. I felt like shit. I was trying. But in hindsight, it is all crystal clear.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Nov 27, 2016 19:48:36 GMT -5
There is a cabinet of gifted toys and lingerie, leather goods and spiritual aids. Never used, never worn, barely acknowledged. Sadly collecting dust. I suppose they sit endlessly silent, a monument to my hubris and wishful thinking ...
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Post by deborahmanning on Nov 27, 2016 20:01:55 GMT -5
Wow, this is a great question.
- I expanded my lab space and fitted it out with all new equipment, while telling him it was just a storage room that I was using for random stuff from Craigslist.
- I fudge the details of all the contracts I'm negotiating -- not just the money but the time and other terms, so I can go out of town and he can't monitor me too closely.
- and, most startling even to me, I took off for NYC a couple of years ago, to see a performer live that I had a huge crush on. Got dressed up within an inch of my life, got the performer to pose for a pic with me, etc. STBX has never seen the picture nor even the outfit, still doesn't know I went.
Happy ending: after three years of this, I've engineered him right out of the house. Still have to file papers but he LEFT.
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Post by nancyb on Nov 27, 2016 20:11:05 GMT -5
Wow. About ten years ago when I felt like things were slipping, I did some research online and ordered a little vibrator that I thought might rekindle her interest.....but oh man, when it arrived she heaped shame upon me and that thing was being returned the very next day. I think she was appalled. I felt like shit. I was trying. But in hindsight, it is all crystal clear. That is just so sad. |
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Post by nancyb on Nov 27, 2016 20:23:39 GMT -5
Actually all of our stories make me sad. Sexual intimacy is a basic human need like food or water. In the end we are all just lonely hearts looking for love.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 27, 2016 20:31:32 GMT -5
Actually all of our stories make me sad. Sexual intimacy is a basic human need like food or water. In the end we are all just lonely hearts looking for love. True that all of us are just lonely hearts looking for love. Our spouses? Narcissist, manipulative controllers, controllers, takers, asexual ,grey sexual, menopause, low libido, mental disorders, fear of intimacy, drug abusers, alcohol abusers, cheaters, gamblers, etc... (I'm sure I have left out a few) |
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Post by nancyb on Nov 27, 2016 20:37:03 GMT -5
Actually all of our stories make me sad. Sexual intimacy is a basic human need like food or water. In the end we are all just lonely hearts looking for love. True that all of us are just lonely hearts looking for love. Our spouses? Narcissist, manipulative controllers, controllers, takers, asexual ,grey sexual, menopause, low libido, mental disorders, fear of intimacy, drug abusers, alcohol abusers, cheaters, gamblers, etc... (I'm sure I have left out a few) I didn't just mean ILIASM folks. I think the human drive is toward connectivity. |
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Post by deborahmanning on Nov 27, 2016 20:37:48 GMT -5
GC, you are my kind of guy. Bitter and sharp.
I'm not sure what my spouse wanted, but it wasn't love or intimacy. The appearance of that to the outside world, for awhile, maybe. But in the end, there wasn't enough of a PERSON there for me to have any kind of relationship with. And the kicker is, I've got to maintain the appearance of respect, for the sake of our son!
I keep reading and re-reading old novels about women trapped in a sham of domestic life. Henry James and George Elliot could go on about this for hundreds of pages. It's weirdly comforting.
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Post by wewbwb on Nov 27, 2016 20:47:16 GMT -5
Actually all of our stories make me sad. Sexual intimacy is a basic human need like food or water. In the end we are all just lonely hearts looking for love. True that all of us are just lonely hearts looking for love. Our spouses? Narcissist, manipulative controllers, controllers, takers, asexual ,grey sexual, menopause, low libido, mental disorders, fear of intimacy, drug abusers, alcohol abusers, cheaters, gamblers, etc... (I'm sure I have left out a few) Wow. Seriously? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 27, 2016 21:08:52 GMT -5
True that all of us are just lonely hearts looking for love. Our spouses? Narcissist, manipulative controllers, controllers, takers, asexual ,grey sexual, menopause, low libido, mental disorders, fear of intimacy, drug abusers, alcohol abusers, cheaters, gamblers, etc... (I'm sure I have left out a few) I didn't just mean ILIASM folks. I think the human drive is toward connectivity. Sorry nancyb, to go from love to connectivity, is above my pay-grade. We went from going North, well eventually you will be going South. Now my mind is going East, going, and going, going, always East. |
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Post by deborahmanning on Nov 27, 2016 21:14:38 GMT -5
Anyone else got good "what I've hidden" stories? I am loving these.
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Post by baza on Nov 27, 2016 21:14:54 GMT -5
Whereas I never witheld information from my missus back in the day, the marriage did educate me not to go overboard with what I shared.
Eventually, I learned to engage her at a level she was comfortable with.
A very superficial level.
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Post by nancyb on Nov 27, 2016 21:28:43 GMT -5
I agree...the marriage becomes a facade really. For me conversations distilled to one word answers from him. I wasn't at all engaged really the last few years.
I never shared the fact that I gave a BJ to a younger man who happened to me my landlord at the time. Should have been a fuck my he was too uptight about me being married.
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Post by nancyb on Nov 27, 2016 21:31:11 GMT -5
I replied to Craiglists ad and so far it's only been penpals. What are the good dating websites? I don't mind paying a bit and I am from Canada eh.
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