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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2016 10:12:08 GMT -5
Couples counseling session in a few hours, and I'm still writing. I've been writing for days now, trying to condense what I need to say, but every time I open my journal and put pen to paper, more words flow out onto the page. This is me airing my grievances, detailing everything I've hinted at here these last few months, and so many more other things that are tumbling out of the back of the closet every time I think I've hit the back wall. Thank God I'm not working today after this session. How did it go??? Here's how it would have gone with me, if I was on the cusp of what you were doing: - I would come fully prepared to tell all, and be looking forward to the relief it would bring. - However, it soon would become clear that neither my wife or even the therapist was really ready for this barrage. - Somewhere during the explanation of "Item 2" or "Item 3", it would become clear I was being too intense, and my wife was unable to process what I've said so far, let alone have the emotional stamina to work through the whole list - Even if she did have the stamina, it was clear I wasn't going to have TIME in a single session - So I would begin to waiver. Lighten up. Pull back. Cherry pick a few things from down the list. Then take a breath. - Sitting back, and watching the therapist try to make SOMETHING constructive out of this barf I just put on the table, I would begin to realize my wife is NOT getting my points. - Which would then be quickly followed by the realization how I am NOT more satisfied. - Which would make me wonder WHY I thought this would work. - Which would make me wonder why I think the marriage could ever work. How close are you to my script? Yeah in 50 minutes you gotta just hit the biggies. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Oct 18, 2016 12:06:55 GMT -5
Pretty far away, actually.
The wife knew this was coming for some time and has undoubtedly prepared herself for it, and the counselor was obviously engaged and did a very good job of facilitating the conversation that we'd needed to have for so very, very long.
This part was only part one. I started gently, talking about the lack of physical affection, how it's made me feel like there's something wrong with me, and about how it's made me pull back as a result. From there, went into why I haven't missed her when she's been gone, why I've been relieved when she's been out of town, and why I have the whole, "this is awsome, I'm glad she's not here, she'd be miserable" thing play out over and over again when I go out with friends. I told her about many of my frustrations with her not wanting to make friends with anybody, about how tired I've gotten of appearing at social functions by myself, and about how neglected and self-doubting I've been left feeling when it comes to addressing my needs.
At that point the counselor pointed out that this was a recurring theme (me as the caretaker and not mentioning my needs not being met), so obviously we'll be bringing this up more later.
I decided to hold off on the lack of sex part- that's going to need an entire hour to itself, if not more, and I figure it'll be best to address that once everything else is out in the clear. So, part one is done, part two is next week. And that's going to be the really, really big doozie, since hell, that's what started this whole thing anyway.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 18, 2016 12:19:29 GMT -5
As the sailor said quote,"aint that a whole in the boat!"
Did the wife sit silent, showing total avoidance?
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 18, 2016 12:57:39 GMT -5
Yeah in 50 minutes you gotta just hit the biggies. Often I find speaking to the councilor similar to being on trial,and having to convince the jury of your innocence, victim status, and why you deserve justice. Yes the biggies. But sometimes it's those subtle, little, repetitive, things. Those can hit home, score a homerun, sway the jury. What may seem small to you, can be a much bigger sign to a trained councilor. Just be honest. A good councilor will know when to slow things down, and how to speed it up when needed. |
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Post by unmatched on Oct 18, 2016 17:39:34 GMT -5
Yeah in 50 minutes you gotta just hit the biggies. Often I find speaking to the councilor similar to being on trial,and having to convince the jury of your innocence, victim status, and why you deserve justice. Yes the biggies. But sometimes it's those subtle, little, repetitive, things. Those can hit home, score a homerun, sway the jury. What may seem small to you, can be a much bigger sign to a trained councilor. Just be honest. A good councilor will know when to slow things down, and how to speed it up when needed. Why do you want your counsellor to see you as an innocent victim? Pain and misery notwithstanding, you stayed all those years because you were getting something out of it. Would it not be much more useful to spend your time with your counsellor figuring out what that is, so you can make sure you never do it again? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 18, 2016 18:19:41 GMT -5
Often I find speaking to the councilor similar to being on trial,and having to convince the jury of your innocence, victim status, and why you deserve justice. Yes the biggies. But sometimes it's those subtle, little, repetitive, things. Those can hit home, score a homerun, sway the jury. What may seem small to you, can be a much bigger sign to a trained councilor. Just be honest. A good councilor will know when to slow things down, and how to speed it up when needed. Why do you want your counsellor to see you as an innocent victim? Pain and misery notwithstanding, you stayed all those years because you were getting something out of it. Would it not be much more useful to spend your time with your counsellor figuring out what that is, so you can make sure you never do it again? Thanks for those questions! Perhaps the term innocent victim is overused? I did get something out of it. The financial security, and a certain degree of accomplishment with our large family, and the raising of the children. Yet the amount of blame in the failure seems to have a one to five ratio. One for me five for my STBX. Those thoughts could be formed due to much reading on here, and shrinks4men. Time will help clarify that. I was also clinging to hope. Living for years in the fog. ( Fear, Obligation,Guilt). Like others their was an element of bait and switch. I believe that ratio was confirmed by my Councillor. Now the issue at hand is working my way through the divorce, dealing with depression, self-worth, finances, and legal issues. The not making mistakes again part will be helpful during the divorce. Taking on the challenge of holding my ground, gaining ground, and not being passive. To not do all the compromising. Finding another person who is not a controller will be a big help. I already sense a strong difference in my behavior, and an awareness of red flags. Hope this adds to the existing post. I value your input! |
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