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Post by Rhapsodee on Sept 24, 2016 3:07:01 GMT -5
Last year I was gone for a week long training. I called at night, before bed, just to see if everything was ok. Then from her, it was "Talk to you tomorrow night. Bye"
If I ever am gone from home again, I will not call or text her.
Keeping in touch with your family when you're away is important. |
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Post by solodriver on Sept 24, 2016 16:42:23 GMT -5
Last year I was gone for a week long training. I called at night, before bed, just to see if everything was ok. Then from her, it was "Talk to you tomorrow night. Bye"
If I ever am gone from home again, I will not call or text her.
Keeping in touch with your family when you're away is important. Well that's what I was trying to do, but it didn't seem important or appreciated by her.
Silly me for caring or trying to be a good husband.
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Post by nyartgal on Sept 24, 2016 19:39:09 GMT -5
I feel like a broken record, but your wife has a very tenuous relationship with reality. She wants you to miss her, based on...? I'd like a million dollars and a house in the country and flat abs but I know all these things are pipe dreams based on my actions and choices in life.
To think you would miss her at this point is pretty delusional, though I guess she's allowed to dream.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 24, 2016 20:12:08 GMT -5
She wants you to miss her. Anyone else think this is a control issue? It puts her back in the driver seat. Reverse the reversal, and tell her " I want you to miss having sex with me. I want you to miss my humor,charm, and all the giving in and compromising I have done for you.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Sept 24, 2016 20:37:53 GMT -5
My ex wanted me to miss him, and even vocalized so near the end. I had gone to visit a friend and he picked me up at the airport. I didn't even want to hug him, and he said he felt like I didn't miss him at all. I didn't. I don't know if it was a control issue, more of a trying to induce guilt move on his part. I felt a little bad, because I couldn't say or feel what he wanted, so I guess in a way he did win a bit of control. I didn't feel bad for long, though.... =) Sorry you are going through this, CT
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Post by baza on Sept 24, 2016 22:04:09 GMT -5
Alternate tactics to saying - "I want you to miss me"
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"I am going to give you full cause to miss me whilst I am away, for in several minutes, I am taking you in to the bedroom and thence intend to fuck you vigorously until you come like a runaway freight train"
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Likelyhood of alternate tactics getting a run.
Probably "0".
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 24, 2016 22:12:04 GMT -5
I got home from work yesterday evening before as she was packing to leave. We chatted about the weekend coming up, and I wished her a safe trip. She turned and looked at me as I went to leave the bedroom. "I want you to miss me this weekend." Shit. All I could stammer back in reply was, "I know." I mean, I wasn't going to say, "...but I'm really looking forward to you not being here, and have been for a while now." I managed to choke out something like, "I'm sure I'll miss you at some point," but I'm not going to lie if I don't feel something- that's what got me into this mess to begin with. "I want you to miss me this weekend" . I will now address you with her logic, "Hi CT, I want you to know that everything I say,every opinion, advice or example I give you is correct, don't bother to argue, I will avoid it, I am never wrong, so you have no choice but to accept it". Glad to get that out of the way! lets change the perspective on it. If you were to go to a store and the cashier said to you, " you shouldn't be buying that, your not the right person for that, you can't afford that, your not good enough for that, no I can't sell that to you." would you gladly accept that, would you question that,would you expect to be treated with respect, would you ask to see the manager, would you shop there again, would you ever go to that cashier again? Yet we accept these things from our spouses because they are adults, and we are supposed to be treating each other as equals in marriage. For both of your benifits, hopefully more and more of the fog, (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) will be lifted as you can communicate through a councilor. She is making no effort to receive what you are saying. And lastly, sadly, (as I am discovering) an attorney can communicate the best. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 24, 2016 22:32:03 GMT -5
I just realized a little bit ago that she turned down the picture she keeps in a frame on the nightstand on her side of the bed- one of our wedding pictures. I'm sure that's not accidental.
I texted her yesterday about taking her dog to the vet (ear infection), and she said thank you for that, but nothing else since then. So, business as usual.
I'm dreading her getting back tomorrow afternoon, especially if she asks if I came around to missing her (I didn't). But I'm not going to lie or try to gloss things over either.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 24, 2016 23:23:21 GMT -5
Did you come around to missing her?
1) There's always the avoidance. A simple,vauge,yet honest, "no",and not talk any more, or change the subject.
2) Reverse it with a question, "why should I?" "did I say that,did I show that?" Get ready for an emotional spin, the victim card.That's where you repeat your simple question, "why".Just be ready for more manipulation. Enjoy the time you have! Store it in your memory,and keep journaling,for the future.
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Post by nyartgal on Sept 25, 2016 9:02:38 GMT -5
I don't understand---why not be honest? No, I didn't miss you, in fact I felt relief to not be around an angry depressive who has made it clear she doesn't want to be married to me in any way other than name.
Consider that treating her with kid gloves is just (more) enabling of her desire not to deal with reality.
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Post by nyartgal on Sept 25, 2016 9:23:51 GMT -5
One thing that I realize in retrospect is how much dishonesty there is in a SM. We lie to ourselves that it's not so bad, that's it's all good bar the sex, that it will magically improve. Our spouses lie to us by pretending the same, by reset behaviors that they know are not meaningful indicators of change. And we lie to them by omission, by not calling them out and being honest about our needs.
My resolution now is to cut the bullshit completely. If your spouse can't handle honesty, then there is a problem in the marriage.
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Post by cagedtiger on Sept 25, 2016 9:30:26 GMT -5
She texted and asked about meeting for dinner when she gets back in a few hours; I figure this'll come up in conversation, and I'll tell her the truth when she gets back.
I'll just have to see what her reaction is.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 25, 2016 9:34:05 GMT -5
She texted and asked about meeting for dinner when she gets back in a few hours; I figure this'll come up in conversation, and I'll tell her the truth when she gets back. I'll just have to see what her reaction is. Honesty is best. Stay true to yourself! |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 25, 2016 10:57:20 GMT -5
I agree that honesty is best. It takes some courage and it's nice if we can include a little bit of tact (though - my honesty is often very BLUNT then followed by a....I'm sorry if that hurt but I had to get it out & off my chest).
Here's a thing I could see myself saying, while honest but in a vulnerable way:
No, I didn't really miss you at the house. I miss you more when we are both home and we go to separate bedrooms. I miss the old part of you that used to enjoy a sex life. I miss you wanting me to be with you sexually, intimately. But while you were away, I didn't miss what we have become. I didn't miss the "roommates calling it marriage" aspect.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 25, 2016 11:10:11 GMT -5
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