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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 23, 2017 10:04:37 GMT -5
In one way, it makes complete and perfect sense to have a fear of men. After all, around 95% of convicted killers are men and most women who are murdered are killed by a man. For young women in particular, men can be a leading cause of death - fourth leading cause of death for women 15-25. And that's not even including physical and sexual assault. (Yes, yes, of course, women do sometimes kill men. Men can be victims of domestic violence. But the numbers are overwhelmingly that men kill women.)
That being said - I'm heterosexual - and despite the fact that most murderers are men, most men aren't murderers. I am a feminist, but I'm happier with a partner - but much happier without my SM partner.
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Nov 23, 2017 5:19:18 GMT -5
Post by elkclan2 on Nov 23, 2017 5:19:18 GMT -5
Yes - sex even while sick! It makes me feel better. The feeling better doesn't LAST very long with a cold, so you just have to do it more often. :-) More often than never? I'm confused. BTW: Are you the ElkClan from EP? Ha ha! And yes! That's me.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 22, 2017 12:11:18 GMT -5
Yes - sex even while sick! It makes me feel better. The feeling better doesn't LAST very long with a cold, so you just have to do it more often. :-)
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 22, 2017 10:01:11 GMT -5
elkclan2 , good catch. I am at fault. Thank you for the correction. Sorry - I've just been to Charles Darwin's house recently (twice! - long story!) and might be going a 3rd time soon. It's worth one visit, I reckon, if you're in the area.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 22, 2017 5:00:20 GMT -5
ironhamster - I think you meant Richard Dawkins - not Charles Dawkins - though that's an interesting conflation. Charles Darwin, for all his human relationship faults, was a much more considerate soul than Richard Dawkins. I've been in the room with Dawkins once and wanted to punch his lights out. He's a grade 1 asshole. I was raised Christian and though I'm no longer a believer, I still see tremendous value in the experience and understand that others still feel value in it. I don't like mocking people for their religious beliefs, but at the same time I'm not a lesser human being nor a less moral and ethical human for not being religious. I've done things that violate strictures of Christianity, but also my own morals. But I'm not less well behaved because I'm not a believer. As to the likelihood of an SM going to fucky fucky sucky sucky - meh, I think it's almost impossible. But hey ANYTHING is possible. I think the probability of someone who's had CSA rediscovering their sexuality is definitely non-zero. But I think people who are sex avoidant because of trauma are unlikely to have a chosen a life partner that they can't keep their hands off. They will have chosen someone safe and non-threatening. That means that they may love you with all their heart, but they're unlikely to love you with all their passion. But hey, anything is possible. And there's merit in reaching the 'no-stone-unturned', I had to.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 21, 2017 2:29:54 GMT -5
My partner and I have both had stonking colds this past week. He succumbed first and I took care of him. Yesterday I was pretty much bed bound and he came over after work, fed my son, did geeky things with him, cleaned my kitchen, took care of me and then we all got in bed and watched tv. Despite being sick, we've continued to have sex. None of these things would have happened in my previous relationship, even though my husband was my son's father.
I know it's kinda normal stuff, but it's such a world away from my previous relationship. And my partner's take away from taking over all my domestic responsibilities - he was excited that he had such a good evening with just my son while I was in bed and how accepted he felt.
One of the biggest changes is how my son treats me. Just seeing someone else treat me well has made him treat me better. He was never a bad kid, but obviously I was treated with disregard by his father, so he would sometimes do the same. My son seems more relaxed. Poor kid, he's had some bad knocks - his parents' shitty marriage, separation, me suffering from basically PTSD from relationship trauma. Then a step parent and two step brothers. And no matter how nice my partner is to him (and he is) or how well all the boys get along (they do) it's still a massive, massive change that he didn't ask for.
Opposite land isn't just about having more sex - though I am, I definitely am - opposite land is about being treated with kindness and support and not feeling like my kindness and support is wasted. And it spills over everywhere.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 21, 2017 2:14:26 GMT -5
Caris - I started regaining myself while I was still in my sexless marriage, but had a setback after I left. I'm still in the process of really returning to me. Although I do have a new partner now. I knew at some point during the dark days after my SM ended, that I wouldn't find a good partner if I couldn't be a good partner and that meant being my best self. As it happened, I found a great partner before returning to my 'best self' but human growth and development is an ongoing process...
I don't have a big bucket list, but something that people always said about me is that I was passionate about everything I did. This isn't true yet again but I'm getting there. I think it's absolutely right that you're working on being a happy you before you worry about being in a happy partnership.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 16, 2017 9:16:16 GMT -5
My refuser ex has never apologised for anything HE has done. He did once apologise for the way his mother behaved to me. He didn't even do those 'nothing' apologies, like when you accidentally bump into someone. I mentioned this to him - he said it wasn't true and that anyway, I never apologised for anything (which at that point was more true than it had been, but still not true).
I once remember he spilled paint all over the (nice!) artificial grass in the back garden. He slunk back inside without saying what happened, without apologising, without anything. I got out there on my hands and knees and cleaned it up. Months later he was telling people how hard it was to clean paint out of it. WTF? How would he know? (Actually it wasn't that hard, but it had to be done in a hurry!)
He also never asked me how my day was or how I was feeling. I tracked once for a whole year, he didn't ask me how I was feeling other than one time. I told him that in the attempt to tell him how disconnected and uncared for I felt. He said he did all the time (nope!) and that I never asked him about his day or how he was feeling (definitely untrue).
Do they apologise - do they show a shred of interest in your life and welfare?
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 15, 2017 6:00:12 GMT -5
Everyone is different, and for some of us, outsourcing WAS a necessary step in leaving. But beware that outsourcing can both help you leave and keep you trapped. If you are getting your needs met in an outsourcing relationship, particularly with someone who is also married, leaving your marriage WILL change your outsourced relationship. I had a 5 year affair - 3 yrs in my marriage and 2 years out. He is still married. We weren't particularly suited to each other romantically, but helped each other out. He broke up with me after I started a relationship with my current partner and he could see how serious it was getting. (My current partner was in a poly relationship, so he knew and was fine with me seeing my lover. His lover dumped him to make space for me. We are now monogamous and that feels right.)
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 14, 2017 8:41:19 GMT -5
She may have a very real phobia of surgery. A lot of people do. Like others here, I suggest that you have to lay it on the line and say this is a huge issue for you and a potential deal breaker. Suggest marriage counselling and perhaps individual counselling to get over the fear of the surgery. In the end, it's her body, her choice. But it's your marriage too and your choice as well.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 14, 2017 8:34:35 GMT -5
h - if it is at all possible for you or if you are so inclined, can you join a sports team? They often provide a lot of physical touch in a socially acceptable context. Playing rugby changed my view of touch (I was in the tight 5, so it's pretty touchy) and provided me with a lot of physical affection and emotional support. Sure it's not the same, but still...
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 14, 2017 8:30:42 GMT -5
Good for you!
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 10, 2017 4:13:16 GMT -5
All great bar the sex... if you're on this forum, then this is almost certainly NOT YOU. My sexless marriage affair partner - he had a marriage that was all great bar the sex. The way he talked about his wife and their life together... well, it did sound really good. I could tell by the way he talked about her that they had a deep and abiding love and above all a PARTNERSHIP. The only time he ever complained about her to me... well, he barely ever did, because in that sense he was loyal. But when he did, they were all pretty close to neutral and I often found myself saying "I can see why you have a bit of a problem with this, but on this occasion, I think I agree with your wife."
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 9, 2017 12:35:22 GMT -5
just want to say - and I've said this before. EVERYONE should have a pin code on their phone. The question is - do you know it? And yes, does she never let it out of her sight.
What you've not said is how long this has been going on. Is this a relatively new thing. Or is the current dry spell just a longer one in an ever increasing pattern of dry spells.
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Post by elkclan2 on Nov 9, 2017 10:28:53 GMT -5
I'm no longer a believer but I was raised as a Christian and so I understand the mindset. I even largely agree with the article (other than the religious aspects) in the sense of bleh marriage with maybe not enough sex, but everything else is fine. Theologically, I think it's ok, but it's a dangerous article without HUGE caveats that I didn't think the author took enough time to address about sexual abuse of the kind where someone demands sex without consideration (some of the commenters had such theology used against them when they were in pain, ill, sexual activity left them in pain, etc).
In fact, as a woman, it had HUGE, HUGE, HUGE alarm bells ringing in my head. I know it wasn't meant to be like that, but it really reads like an abuser's charter. And this is coming from someone who completely believes wholeheartedly that we do have responsibility for our partner's sexual needs, as well as their emotional and physical needs. I would no more leave my partner standing in the cold rain (well, it's England...and he has a job where he often has to do that anyway, so sometimes I do) or deny him food from my table than I would deny his sexual needs if it was at all in my power fulfil his needs. This is coming from a woman who was abused and controlled by a spouse who withheld sex and who has never felt abused by a partner demanding too much.
But even if I were a believer, some dude off the internet telling me that the Bible tells me I have to do something I find disgusting like eat dung beetles to satisfy my wifely duties - well, I ain't gonna do it. And having scripture put together in a way that makes it seem like I really must be eating dung beetles is going to affect my faith more than it affects my desire to eat dung beetles. At best, I might eat one, but I wouldn't enjoy it. If your wife has a significant emotional, physical or psychological aversion to sex - and it kinda sounds like she does - this article will do nothing but ick her out and make her feel like you are using your shared faith to guilt her into doing something she REALLY does not want to do. I completely agree with Baz it's passive aggressive. And yes, I bought books and left them around and read them in front of my refusing spouse, too. And it didn't do me a blind bit of good. The only thing that did was realising where I was and moving on with my life first alone and then with a new partner.
If your wife wanted to have a satisfying physical relationship with you she'd be doing so already- this article wouldn't make her do it. If you want to prove to her that you have a theologically sound reason to set her aside, then I don't think this will do it either. All humans are capable of using their holy books or laws or tenets of their beliefs to justify what they want. You know that. She knows that. She will see that article as you showing her your justification for either being pissed off in the marriage or self-justified in divorce. I promise you, if you divorce her, she is 99.9% unlikely to say "my husband justifiably divorced me because I wouldn't put out as much as a christian woman should".
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