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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 25, 2018 10:28:44 GMT -5
h - if you have not talked to a lawyer - I really seriously doubt that there would be significant spousal support required. Yes, assets might be split and you go into a smaller flat. So what? It's JUST STUFF. Forget the house. Fuck the house. You don't have kids. You don't need that house. And frankly, if your marriage ends, you won't even want to BE in that house.
I hung on in my marriage because of the house. And while in some ways I'm glad I stayed til I did because I met my partner at the right time for me, in other ways, I coulda shoulda been out sooner and not taken the emotional damage.
Don't doomsday yourself into misery. Talk to a lawyer, talk to a financial adviser. Many people much older than you have started over and been fine. And stop reading MRA propaganda about divorce rape, I think you'll find that the situation isn't as dire as you've been led to believe. Particularly without children. Particularly if you've never asserted that you want a traditional wife who does not work.
And btw, no one your age is gonna get to retire, so you won't be any different than anyone else ;-)
e.t.a - part of the reason I held on for the house is because I live in one of the most expensive housing markets in the world. I don't know where you live, but unless it's in a densely populated coastal city with a finance or tech sector, your housing options will be fairly affordable if you look around.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 25, 2018 1:30:42 GMT -5
My bio son doesn't always come first for me, nor do my partner's bio kids always come first for him. But they often do! It is about priorities. Would I interrupt dinner to talk about a hockey coach? Hell no. But would I make time to talk to my son about it later? Yes. Would I take the call from my son during dinner? Yes. Because it might be more important than a personality clash.
Not too long ago, my partner and I had to cancel plans because his son was sick. He stayed home with sick child, and I took my son and his other son out. Very recently, I attended a Saturday conference which meant my work came before my child and my partner (he had all 3 lads on a rainy day!).
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 25, 2018 0:51:41 GMT -5
WindSister - I wasn't saying it was crazy to marry again, just that there are people out there who ARE batshit crazy. It's no surprise that their first marriage failed - this leaves them available for a 2nd marriage - and given their batshitness was unlikely to be cured by divorce, they're likely to fail a 2nd time (and some serial wedders -3, 4, 5 times). Plenty of people fail at first marriages, I did. Like many here not because I didn't try, but because I didn't choose well. Frankly, the way things are going with my current partner, I think I'd like to get married again. But I'm not divorced yet. :-) And I'd rather spend money on sorting my housing first as I would like to spend money on the wedding if I do get married again. And yes, like Northstarmom, I need to protect some assets that I want for my son and for myself if things go badly. He brings zero capital to the partnership (he makes ok money, but his bad first marriage left him broke), so I'm happy to wait to get married til after I'm really sure and I'm in secure housing. And we need to find a fair way to do that, so that he gains equity as time goes on. WindSister - and you're right about 2nd weddings - even though I want to spend money on it should it happen, it would mostly go for the bar bill and very little for the faff. My partner and I are both tight fisted people, so the ££ would go on the celebration with our friends side of things - and given our social circles that means booze and certainly doesn't mean rubber chicken and overpriced catering. A big piss up down the rugby club with dancing to embarrass our kids.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 24, 2018 5:40:56 GMT -5
I think that there are a few people who are super dysfunctional and shouldn't be married - either because they will walk away too quickly or they're batshit crazy and it's impossible to stay married to them for a whole host of possible reasons. They will have failed in their first marriage. And they will be a greater proportion of the people who marry a second time...
Anyway, I know these stats and they make sense.
Hopefully I'll be a winner, if I do get married at all... but I'm planning to move in with my boyfriend some time in 2018.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 22, 2018 10:48:19 GMT -5
@dan - you already have a relationship with your children - and divorce or not - yes, it will change things - maybe for the worse, maybe for the better. I was specifically writing to the point of a new relationship with a new partner.
I had been 'single' for a couple of years before I started dating my current partner. My son (10) was still devastated when I started dating someone new. It took him a while to warm to the new relationship. Not terribly long. But it didn't have the complicated layers of me leaving for this new partner. Sometimes, often, maybe usually, people leave for a new partner because things are already crap at home but they're too afraid to jump until they have what they think may be a stable platform. But for a child who sees you trying to keep things on an even keel and 'be nice' it's all very confusing.
When my mother left my dad, she had every reason to do so. (Conversely he had every reason to leave her, too, but that's another story). Yet, what she did was keep him strung along until she had found a new partner and then she behaved toward my dad in a really shitty way. My mother then tried to make me happy about the new relationship, but I wasn't I still hadn't processed the end of the old one (even though I'd been hoping for its end for a long time). Her new partner made a couple of mistakes with me which in hindsight were just him poorly navigating new territory rather than being a bad person. However, I blamed him and resented him because it was a lot easier than trying to confront my mother's rotten behaviour.
If you have young children, or even older children, you WILL go through a parenting slump when you go through a divorce because of the horribleness of this all. You will also go through a parenting slump when you fall in love, because of the crazy hormones which may make you take the eye off the ball. Combine the two, and it's a recipe for not good parenting. It's not forever, but it kind of sucks that you may be parenting in less than optimal way right when they need a lot of emotional support (and this includes college aged kids).
This is NOT saying not to leave, because honestly I'm a better parent now that I'm out of my horrible marriage. And this is definitely not saying not a new partner as my partner makes a great support to my parenting and I hope I do to his. It was a specific piece of advice to surfergirl that waiting until there was a new man on the scene to end the marriage probably wasn't such a good strategy. Sometimes we find ourselves in these situations and we just have to do the best we can, but I don't think it's a good PLAN.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 21, 2018 14:53:58 GMT -5
Lostintime - I will be blunt. I don't think you're much of a husband. If you're gone all the time, then you can't be there to do the parenting and the husbanding. If you are working that many hours it's either because you're too focused on the material or because you want to avoid being at home. If you're thinking you settled for her and you could have done better then she will sense that and I'm suspecting you're not much of an emotional support to her - which is an important spousal duty. You may well be in a cycle of resentment. She may be tired because of depression, even situational depression of being in a crap marriage.
I think that your level of the sex in your marriage is a basic libido mismatch. You aren't in a sexless marriage. You don't qualify. Once a month is rubbish, for sure, but I bet if you guys were actually working together then you'd find a compromise, even on the initiation issue (a bit, many women have problems with this). But even once a month is not technically sexless. I can't tell, but it may be that you are in a LOVELESS marriage. It doesn't sound like you love her much and you certainly blame her for the crap state of the marriage.
I think you're going to have to make some tough decisions about how much you want the neighbourhood/house and how much you want to be working and OUT of the house. She could work more, you ought to work less. I get that it's hard to make choices about lifestyle, but frankly it doesn't sound like you have much of a life and your family doesn't have much of a family life.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 21, 2018 13:16:11 GMT -5
yep, scammer, scammer, scammer.
If you go back to his original profile (and if it's gone already, that's more likely a scammer) or his original message, pick out some unique phrases and run it through Google - you may see it many other places.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 21, 2018 13:10:36 GMT -5
One other reason not to leave for a new partner is that the relationship between your children - including adult children -and the new partner could be seriously affected, as your children have to come to terms with both the end of the marriage and the new relationship. Sure, there's a point where you just say 'they'll have to accept it' and they do or they don't depending on personality and preference. But the less muddled it is, I can say as someone whose mother DID do this, the easier it is to accept.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 14, 2018 14:17:05 GMT -5
I absolutely crave stability and normal in some areas of my life and want excitement and adventure in others - I NEED an interesting project at work. I need intense exercise (and can't right now because of an injury), but my life was full of upheaval in childhood and I love being stable. I can't believe I'm about to change everything up and try to move house in the next year to be with my partner in one house.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 12, 2018 5:27:16 GMT -5
When my son was smaller (he's 10 now so he would have been 6 or 7 at most) he turned to me apropos of nothing and said "I don't want a stepfather, because he'll never accept me as I'm not his real kid." My ex and I weren't separated yet. But he knew that shit wasn't right.
He was less upset by the prospect of the marriage breaking down (it was most unpleasant at home), but more by the prospect of me taking on a new partner.
In the end, I've only introduced him to one guy, my current partner, who has two children of his own about the same age and they seem to be developing a very good, very affectionate relationship.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 10, 2018 11:28:59 GMT -5
I notice these contrasts too, but it's not just about the sex, but how he treats me when he's not feeling well. My ex used to take stuff out on me, my new partner doesn't do that. He recently had some really big stress at work (the good kind, but still all consuming) and not a cross word. We went on our first holiday together and like all travel there were a few mishaps, not a cross word. It's great.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 7, 2018 14:03:06 GMT -5
My ex would accuse me of going to divorce 'too easily' - when things get rough you just want to throw in towel... blah, blah, blah.
I lived with him for 18 years - many of them sexless, many of them technically sexless, at least 8 of them verbally and emotionally abusive. The more I pulled away the more abusive he became, the more I pulled away.
He pulled the vow thing, too - it meant 'nothing to me' - he said he'd never broken any of our vows... but maybe, he admitted, he hadn't done enough to "cherish me".
Yeah, you don't say...
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 4, 2018 7:57:00 GMT -5
greatcoastal - not to contradict too much, but I have never been the 'nagging' wife, I always think - well, there's more than one way to do thing and who am I to criticise someone else's way? My ex, on the other hand, criticised me for everything from the way I made a sandwich or used the toaster or talked to my son, or whatever, to things which more reasonably could be criticised. He would criticise in unhelpful ways and it was used as an effort to belittle and control.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jan 1, 2018 11:00:44 GMT -5
Oh, I never check this thread! I'm really sorry to hear about your mom and glad you're feeling more you though sometimes that means feeling more sad when processing grief.
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Post by elkclan2 on Dec 31, 2017 12:15:35 GMT -5
I'm with Northstarmom - my SM refuser did not take care of me when I was sick. I had chest pain and ended up in the ER and he couldn't be bothered. I knew he wouldn't take care of me if I got really, really ill.
World of difference with my current partner - he actually looks after me and enjoys doing so.
h if your wife has immune system issues, fair enough, but there are ways of taking care of your partner while maintaining hygiene protocols. Notes, foods, asking after your health, etc.
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