|
Post by choosinghappy on Jan 24, 2018 10:42:50 GMT -5
In the recent "outsourcing" thread, Apocrypha included the following question in one of his responses: "What is marriage bringing to the table that amicable ex-spouses don't?"Obviously for those of us in SMs who are choosing to stay, whatever those qualities are that the marriage is bringing to the table is tipping the scales in favor of hanging on despite the lack of sex and intimacy. I am interested to hear what those qualities are in your sexless marriage?
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Jan 24, 2018 10:48:33 GMT -5
For me, I think my biggest ones are:
-Financial security -Comfortableness -Extended family whom I love
When I really boil it down it isn't a ton.
Regarding extended family I mean my in-laws, some of whom I am closer with than my own family. I hate the idea of damaging a relationship with them. But my hope is that if a split is amicable, that good relationship may still be salvageable.
I am getting to the point where I am willing to forgo feeling comfortable and am starting to look forward to change.
It's the financial security that is the hardest. That is where the bulk of my fear truly lies.
I'm interested to hear what others come up with to see if they also apply in my SM or not.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Jan 24, 2018 10:57:36 GMT -5
I'd also like to point out that I have MANY others, things like:
-A partner in raising our child -Built-in support for when our son has medical issues -A feeling of a someone having my back (not intimately but for when tangible issues arise) And more.
But I can make a case for all of these that if the split is AMICABLE, my H could still fill those roles. Or friends or family could help fill those gaps. Or a hopeful future relationship.
I'm just trying to be very honest with myself about what I need to truly be okay with "losing" if I were to call it quits.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 11:04:19 GMT -5
Not everyone can assume amicable divorce, and that can turn into another reason to avoid it.
Sad but it is also a factor.
|
|
|
Post by surfergirl on Jan 24, 2018 12:06:44 GMT -5
Not splitting the kids 50/50 + giving the kids two parents in the home.
That's it.
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jan 24, 2018 12:15:30 GMT -5
Not splitting the kids 50/50 + giving the kids two parents in the home. That's it. You have to ask yourself "what is most important to you?" Kids were not enough for me to stay granted I only have two kids, so I get it. I looked forward to the time when they were with their dad and I could go out on a date or just be by myself.
|
|
|
Post by surfergirl on Jan 24, 2018 12:28:57 GMT -5
I LOVE the idea of having time off parenting. But I have FIVE at home, and it really does take two parents. It's in their best interest. It's why I'm writhing in agony. It's not love for the marriage or any feelings toward the Husband Figure. It's because my children will be devastated. And that's why I've cut off my own happiness....nothing to do with the husband. He is not even in the equation of my decision.
|
|
|
Post by h on Jan 24, 2018 12:31:09 GMT -5
Marriage brings nothing to my table. I see very little chance of an amicable split though.
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 24, 2018 12:58:05 GMT -5
In the recent "outsourcing" thread, Apocrypha included the following question in one of his responses: "What is marriage bringing to the table that amicable ex-spouses don't?"...whatever those qualities are that the marriage is bringing to the table is tipping the scales in favor of hanging on ... What, specifically, are the parties hanging on to?
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jan 24, 2018 13:11:09 GMT -5
I LOVE the idea of having time off parenting. But I have FIVE at home, and it really does take two parents. It's in their best interest. It's why I'm writhing in agony. It's not love for the marriage or any feelings toward the Husband Figure. It's because my children will be devastated. And that's why I've cut off my own happiness....nothing to do with the husband. He is not even in the equation of my decision. I get it! Part of me being happy is my children being happy. Two kids are a lot easier than five. Everything in life comes at a price and relationships can be difficult. No such thing as a perfect relationship. If my spouse was great with everything but the cleaning then I'd hire a maid but instead I need to outsource a different task.
|
|
|
Post by surfergirl on Jan 24, 2018 13:20:25 GMT -5
bballgirl Do I understand your situation is that you went back to your H and then outsourced sex? Does he know? Because I really think this might be a solution that would be AWESOME for me, but I'd need him to agree but sneaking is too much pressure. And I just don't see anywhere in HELL that he'd agree. I've asked dozens of times.
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 24, 2018 13:43:21 GMT -5
bballgirl Do I understand your situation is that you went back to your H and then outsourced sex? Does he know? Because I really think this might be a solution that would be AWESOME for me, but I'd need him to agree but sneaking is too much pressure. And I just don't see anywhere in HELL that he'd agree. I've asked dozens of times. You've asked him dozens of times? What were the available choices when you posed the question? If the choice was between you outsourcing and you not outsourcing and it was up to him to decide, what's in it for him to choose that you invite a third party into your deal? Why would he choose that?
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 24, 2018 13:47:13 GMT -5
If my spouse was great with everything but the cleaning then I'd hire a maid but instead I need to outsource a different task. Is enthusiasm and skill for cleaning the house on par in a marriage with the presence or absence of a mutual attraction between partners?
|
|
|
Post by brian on Jan 24, 2018 13:58:11 GMT -5
Quite honestly, for me, it’s all about the amount of effort it will take to unravel the intertwined things in our lives. Whether that be financial, kids, extended family, friends, etc.
My roomie helps enormously with keeping the family organized, something I am not very good at. Her work is more flexible and allows her to handle appointments with much greater ease.
None of this is insurmountable, but it gives me pause... is it worth it yet? If I outsource for a little while, will it be enough to have these other benefits for a little while longer?
There are fears on the other side too, like, will she sign the kids up for so many things that my time with my kids will just be as a chauffeur, or that I will have difficulties with my career because I have to take a lot of time off to handle kids’ activities. Idk. And those unknowns enter my thoughts and make me question, “Am I really ready yet?”
|
|
|
Post by surfergirl on Jan 24, 2018 14:04:54 GMT -5
Apocrypha To participate in sex or I'd be outsourcing. I keep discreet. When it all comes to light, I guess I'm going to say, "You were told," so I don't feel guilty.
|
|