|
Post by thelostone on Nov 13, 2017 4:33:15 GMT -5
Hello
I'm a 31 year old male, been married for 5 years. We have a 3 y/o daughter.
After the birth of our daughter we didn't have sex for quite sometime, one year perhaps. Then when sexual activity resumed my wife complained that it was painful. She went to her doctor and was diagnosed with dyspareunia due to skin bridging which requires an operation to resolve. She is scared at the prospect and declined the op. This caused arguments and in the end I dropped it and we've coasted along for the last 2 years.
It's been 2 years and we haven't had sex in that time. She does do oral sex on me regularly and I guess I should be grateful that's more than a lot of people here get. However she will not let me touch her intimately at all, she says she's worried it will lead to painful sex but I also think she just isn't that bothered.
This has really been getting me down and I raised the issue again recently. Again she is angry and says we will just have to live with it. After the trauma of child birth she says there is no way she is having anything else done down there.
My argument: She doesn't care enough about sex, or about the relationship, to get the problem resolved. If I could not have sex and needed an operation I'd be down the doctor's office tomorrow, no matter how scary.
Her argument: I'm a horrible bastard who is trying to force her into something against her will.
I'm at the end of my rope with this. Other than coast along for another 2 years and see what happens I don't know what else to do. Would appreciate maybe a female's perspective on this.
Thank you
|
|
|
Post by baza on Nov 13, 2017 5:44:08 GMT -5
Is this the only contentious issue in your marriage Brother thelostone ?
|
|
|
Post by thelostone on Nov 13, 2017 6:11:02 GMT -5
Yes, it is :-(
|
|
tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by tori on Nov 13, 2017 6:15:34 GMT -5
So sorry for your situation. I wonder if your wife performs oral because she enjoys it or does she think of it as a chore? I assume the latter seeing she’s not interested in fixing her lady parts to have intercourse. Was the sex fairly frequent prior to the birth of your child? I think you need to get ahead of this and have a nice matter of fact conversation with her. In my opinion, A decision that affects both husband and wife should be made together.
|
|
|
Post by thelostone on Nov 13, 2017 6:27:19 GMT -5
Thanks for your reply Tori, she doesn't act like it's a chore and I should be grateful for that. Yes it was fairly frequent before. Unfortunately we've had a matter of fact conversation and her decision is final, she doesn't want to get things fixed. She is scared about it and worried about the pain which nobody can blame her for that. If I push it any further she gets angry and just says it's never gonna happen.
|
|
tori
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by tori on Nov 13, 2017 6:34:59 GMT -5
Thanks for your reply Tori, she doesn't act like it's a chore and I should be grateful for that. Yes it was fairly frequent before. Unfortunately we've had a matter of fact conversation and her decision is final, she doesn't want to get things fixed. She is scared about it and worried about the pain which nobody can blame her for that. If I push it any further she gets angry and just says it's never gonna happen. So she’s basically telling you no sex ever?!! This for me would be a deal breaker. This is a selfish decision on the part of your wife. Does she expect you to be faithful? You will resent her and your poor child will no doubt be affected by the contention this will create. Therapy may help your wife reconsider. She has to know the consequences of her decision maybe a therapist can help bring these to light.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2017 7:22:08 GMT -5
Thanks for your reply Tori, she doesn't act like it's a chore and I should be grateful for that. Yes it was fairly frequent before. Unfortunately we've had a matter of fact conversation and her decision is final, she doesn't want to get things fixed. She is scared about it and worried about the pain which nobody can blame her for that. If I push it any further she gets angry and just says it's never gonna happen. So she’s basically telling you no sex ever?!! This for me would be a deal breaker. This is a selfish decision on the part of your wife. Does she expect you to be faithful? You will resent her and your poor child will no doubt be affected by the contention this will create. Therapy may help your wife reconsider. She has to know the consequences of her decision maybe a therapist can help bring these to light. The discontent that caused you to Google "sexless marriage" and arrive here will only continue to grow. You are unusual in that you are searching it out relatively early in your marriage which means that it is an important issue for you. Sadly, things almost never get better in these situations by hope alone. Uncomfortable conversations now regarding your legitimate NEEDS are better than uncomfortable conversations later on how to divide marital assets and child visitation.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Nov 13, 2017 7:44:48 GMT -5
Your wife presumably wanted a child so much that she chose to get pregnant and to give birth which even if she had a vaginal delivery could have resulted in birth by surgery, a c section. Obviously possible surgery didn’t cause her to avoid having a child.
I think she’s being selfish and unrealistic to expect you to give up forever piv because of her medical condition that easily could be cured. I also wonder how much she ever enjoyed sex because if she had a healthy. Normal libido, her body would be craving orgasms. If she romantically loved you — not just as a sperm donor and financial support, she’d want to enjoy climaxing herself as part of lovemaking.
I doubt that everything else is great with your marriage though I understand that you may not yet realize the other problems. Someone who can do cavalierly take piv off the table, view you as selfish for expecting it in your marriage since her disorder is curable is very likely overlooking your needs in other ways. For instance why did it take s year for you to have intercourse after your child’s birth. Did you not want that earlier?
|
|
|
Post by h on Nov 13, 2017 8:22:48 GMT -5
She has a definite diagnosis and a treatment solution and is willfully choosing not to go through with it. She has taken sex off the table forever and given you no choice in the matter.
I'm dealing with medical refusals also but my W still tries periodically. If my W decided to just end all sex unilaterally and refused to treat a curable medical issue, that would be the final nail in the coffin of our marriage. Yes, medical issues are complicated but your W is exhibiting a blatant disregard for your feelings by rejecting treatment.
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Nov 13, 2017 8:45:27 GMT -5
The fact that she does not show you to touch her intimately is a red flag for me. I can understand not having vaginal sex for to medical issues but not having physical intimacy other ways is a deal breaker for me. Intimacy requires a 2 way street, so just performing oral on you does not provide the intimacy your marriage needs.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Nov 13, 2017 11:34:14 GMT -5
thelostone, taking the role of insensitive bastard here, this is not a "medical condition" that's incurable. From the outside, it sounds like a very routine fix is available, and she's choosing not to execute. Here's some reality of life... surgeries happen. Surgeries far more invasive than the one she's fearing. She will likely have several surgeries over her lifetime, and this is among the lesser - as northstarmom points out, childbirth was likely a much bigger deal than this. She needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with an important health issue, just like she would any other serious condition. As an added bonus, it has the prospect of saving her marriage. Something tells me that if she found herself single and unable to find a willing companion (i.e., a sucker) for a sexless relationship, she'd suddenly find the inspiration to have the procedure so she could become sexual again. But she won't do it for you because her lifestyle isn't in jeopardy. #*%#^!! [Sorry if I'm being too bitter here... I didn't call bullshit early in my situation, and I'm fresh off a reminder that hugs are now too much to ask for.]
|
|
DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by DrNo on Nov 13, 2017 11:36:47 GMT -5
I think you know the answer, IMHO! she has said "no you will never have sex again, put up or shut up".
That's about as honest as it gets.
If it were me, I was 31 again and in the same position as you, I'd be having a fairly straight conversation (yes another one) about the future. If she loves you then she will at least go and see a specialist in the field of her medical problem and get to understand what can be done. If she point blank refuses no matter what, then I think you may need to consider moving on. Trust me when I say, if you let this slide into the "It will resolve itself sometime" drawer then you are in for some dark times mentally over the next few decades. You are ONLY 31. Young.....life ahead of you, I was 34 when my first child entered the world!
I'm sorry you have found your way to this great forum. I hope you can find some resolution from all of this.
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Nov 13, 2017 11:48:44 GMT -5
If, as you say her decision is final, then you really have to consider the fact that she is happy for you to remain sexless for the rest of your life.
Would you have married her knowing that you would be sexless forever on her say so?
The issue she is citing CAN be resolved. She is choosing not to.
I’m so sorry you had to find us.
Spill as much as you want.
Nobody here will judge.
Xxx
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2017 14:39:40 GMT -5
This thread got me to remember something funny / not funny from a few years back.
At one point my ex wife refused to have sex with me because of a medical condition I had. It was a diagnosis of pancreatitis. This is not contagious. It is not something that made it harmful for me to have sex (i.e. something like a heart condition). The seriously ironic part is that it actually came about from me drinking way too much to cope with my sexless marriage. In addition to her own undiagnosed "medical condition", that one was good for at least 6 months of additional refusal time (I think we were already in a 6-12 month drought at that point already). The refusals even continued months after I no longer displayed any symptoms but hadn't gone and picked up my final blood work to show I was clear.
Of course, once I picked up the blood work? Her own undiagnosed "medical condition" had a flare up and reasserted itself.
I did have one legitmate medical condition (also undiagnosed) for the two decades we were married. It is difficult and quite expensive to treat. It is known as "chump-itis". The only known cure, apparently, is a complete amputation of the offending appendage to be performed by a board-certified lawyer.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Nov 13, 2017 14:59:19 GMT -5
thelostone , taking the role of insensitive bastard here, this is not a "medical condition" that's incurable. From the outside, it sounds like a very routine fix is available, and she's choosing not to execute. Here's some reality of life... surgeries happen. Surgeries far more invasive than the one she's fearing. She will likely have several surgeries over her lifetime, and this is among the lesser - as northstarmom points out, childbirth was likely a much bigger deal than this. She needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with an important health issue, just like she would any other serious condition. As an added bonus, it has the prospect of saving her marriage. Something tells me that if she found herself single and unable to find a willing companion (i.e., a sucker) for a sexless relationship, she'd suddenly find the inspiration to have the procedure so she could become sexual again. But she won't do it for you because her lifestyle isn't in jeopardy. #*%#^!! [Sorry if I'm being too bitter here... I didn't call bullshit early in my situation, and I'm fresh off a reminder that hugs are now too much to ask for.] DC, I can answer your hypothetical with a real-world example. I told my ex I was getting a divorce. Suddenly, she went to the doctor and all of the sudden she had a diagnosis for her "condition" and "some pills" that could cure her ouchie coochie (after 20 years of saying the un-diagnosed condition was incurable). All it took for her to get off her ass was a healthy dose of vitamin "D(ivorce)". Unfortunately for her, I was no longer interested in the bullshit. I think during the divorce I asked her once if the pills were helping. I can't remember what her answer was. I didn't really care anymore. Hopefully the next guy for her is either asexual or the ouchie coochie pills fix her up. Her dominant shopping gene and recessive work ethic gene will kind of require she find another contestant to bait / switch when the cash from the divorce runs out. In either case, her ouchie coochie is no longer my concern. Good riddance. Hmmm...perhaps I'm a bit bitter here too. That being said, as for as the original post goes, he is referring to a truly medically diagnosed (if routine) condition - which is different. Her not getting it treated, however isn't much different than my situation. Convenient / Inconvenient, isn't it?
|
|