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Post by doneanddone on Apr 25, 2017 11:38:54 GMT -5
It is at that point that I start to wonder if I am just being selfish about the whole SM issue. Am I being selfish for wanting my wife to actually want to be intimate with me when she claims she has a headache or is too tired. What if she really does and I keep pushing and pushing. I can see where that would become quite frustrating and not a enticing turn on to want to be intimate. But then I think........ What is frustrating is that if she was fucking you all the times she did NOT have a headache, then you would be more understanding when she does. But when she refuses to fuck you at all, you doubt her excuses. Yes. You are correct. And it has seeped into other areas beyond the bedroom. I just don't buy some of the stuff she says sometimes because i don't know what the truth is anymore.
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 25, 2017 10:29:41 GMT -5
Alright peeps....lets do this.....
What are your top 5 - 10 excuses you have gotten or continue to get when it comes time to step up and engage in the act of making love.....
10. Long day 9. Cramps 8. Headache 7. Stomach hurts 6. Tired 5. All you want is sex 4. Cramps 3. I'm to fat 2. I didn't shower 1. ........(snoring sound)........
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 25, 2017 9:49:00 GMT -5
Question...how long have you been married? As a general rule, it gets worse as time goes by. With my wife, she worked until we had kids. At that point, she became a SAHM. When the kids were young, I would not have traded jobs with her for all the money in the world. Two kids running around messing things up, trying to keep up with the house, kids activities, etc? If the house was a bit messy, I totally understand. In later years (say when the kids are 8-10 or older and "trainable") it seems to me that her job should have been to start teaching the kids to take care of themselves. Instead, what happened is that she pretty much let things go. I'm guessing that it is out of boredom. It has got to be mind-numbing to be at home all day with the same routine over and over. Laundry piled up to the point where I would buy new clothes rather than try to find a pair of dirty underwear in the "pile" that was as tall as me. On multiple occasions I swatted over 400 flies in a single room. In the end, I started doing more than half of the laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking, etc... just so that things would get done. All of this on top of no intimacy? Well, in two months, our divorce will be final and she will learn how hard it is to earn a living and do all of the other things to maintain a household. I don't look at this with glee or smugness, but sadness. Life is going to get a lot harder for her soon, but it is a bed that she made (actually, I'm the one who makes the bed every day). I guess my point is that this problem will NOT get better on its own. The household chores are a different issue from the SM piece, and it probably is easier to talk about and "fix". Have you tried discussing this with her frankly and honestly? I never really did and probably should have. It wouldn't have saved my marriage by any means, but it would have removed one area of contention. I hear you loud and clear. We have been together for over 16 married for 11. Here is the biggest problem I have and it probably is all my problem and falls on me. I come from a very disciplined military background. Not the kind that plays reveille at 0700 and taps at 1630 everyday, but with my military background and upbringing if you want to call it that, wasting time and avoiding things that are literally right in front of your face shows a sign of laziness and avoidance of responsibility. And the fact that she knows it makes it worse. It's like sometimes she will intentionally not do the laundry or dishes just because she knows it gets under my skin that it's not done, that and the fact that she knows I will end up doing it because that's my attitude about it. But on the flip side, on my days off I cook, clean, do the laundry, do the dishes, do the yard work and i do it with out any reservations or hesitations and not expecting anything in return. Even if all I got was a thank you, to me that would be too much because these chores, these normal everyday life chores will always be there to do in some form or fashion but for her, she just keeps swiping right on her phone, gossiping, talking to friends about other friends, drinking wine and just lets the world revolve around her like if were bubble words over her head that read "Oh well, it will get done eventually" but she never goes back to it. I think I am in the resentful phase of my own dealing with the SM. She just doesn't seem phased by it at all and that bugs the hell out of me.
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 25, 2017 7:55:13 GMT -5
So i truly have stopped counting the months since we last had any intimate contact. And just trying to remember what we did the last time we did anything should be a HUGE flag to me that it wasn't memorable enough to remember. So why torture ourselves? What are we gaining by staying in this state of want and never get? How long is too long and what is keeping us here? I mean truly what is keeping us here? The anticipation of a depressing, unhappy, overly concerned family, friends, and loved ones who will be affected should the option of separation or divorce come into the mix is the first thing that comes to mind. If there are children then they definitely will be affected and need to be taken into consideration. Then there is the financial situation. How much will this be worth to me? How much will a divorce cost me in the long run? Can I do this on my own?
I guess the only true question is, how much is my happiness and my sanity? Is it worth more than all the pros and cons listed out? It is at that point that I start to wonder if I am just being selfish about the whole SM issue. Am I being selfish for wanting my wife to actually want to be intimate with me when she claims she has a headache or is too tired. What if she really does and I keep pushing and pushing. I can see where that would become quite frustrating and not a enticing turn on to want to be intimate. But then I think........
You little sh**t. I work my a$$ off so you can sit around half the time and do what..... You work 3 days out of the week. Your off for 4 f...ing days and my house looks like crap. Dishes piled up in the kitchen sink, dust all over the place, laundry piled up for days, bathroom looks like a strip club dressing room, cat and dog sh**t all over the place, you get pissed off anytime anyone wants to come by, you avoid your friends invitations claiming they are all fake, you hate people, you snore, you are on your phone more than with your own daughter.....Go F yourself women....I don't deserve this and you don't deserve me!!!
Feel free to rant, rave, vent or just speak your mind and thoughts. No judgment.....
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 24, 2017 13:58:41 GMT -5
Maybe this is a weird question, i don't know. But I have been on here reading and following posts for 2-3 weeks now and I see the phrase SM shithole thrown around a lot. Many of the stories I have read on here show that many marriages are plagued with issues outside of lack of intimacy, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. But what if that isn't the case? What if your spouse is loving and giving but unable (or unwilling) to be intimate? My husband is wonderful in so many ways and I feel guilty being in here, but truth be told there is just something missing. He is supportive of my hobbies and endeavors, we enjoy spending time together (most of the time lol), and he is a wonderful dad. He cooks, he cleans, he fixes things, and he puts up with my crazy family. I recently lost my sister and I spend a lot of time and money now helping to raise and look after her kids. He never complains and is even close with my nephew. Teaches him how to use tools, talks to him about issues at school or with his dad. I think it's amazing. And he takes good care of me when I am sick, all without complaint. The problem is he doesn't want to, or can't, be intimate with me, and I don't know which or why. Whenever we tried in the past he could not get "excited" and he isn't into learning how to please me in other ways. I tried so many things and even toys. He tried but I could tell it wasn't the least bit interesting to him. Again, he is so wonderful otherwise that I just feel guilty for wanting more. And now I am finding it hard to be sexually attracted to him. Even kissing feels weird and turns me off. What a mess! Thanks for reading if you made it this far lol. Often more than not, this is the case when the one who is doing the denying is a wonderful, supportive, generous, loving spouse that just has an issue with sex. And to say it's mental is a cop out. Everyone in this world has that one thing they are so bull headed about that it didn't matter the circumstances or scenario's they would not budge from their position to save their own life. Sex is that one thing our spouses are bull headed about and it is a form of abuse. The human body can survive a long health uneventful life without sex, that's not the point. The point is in the beginning for at least 99.9% of us here at one point in time were satisfied with our sex lives. Something has changed that and we, the 99.9%, feel that it was not us that changed but our partners, wives, or husbands. Would i have married my wife knowing that i would be in this state of mental and physical torture? Honestly, no, no i would not have. But I love her. And this is the one area of our lives that has come to crush me. I am more successful at work because i poor all my effort and time into it now as a distraction from my home life without sex. Just imagine how successful i would be if i were to be having sex.....OMG confidence level through the roof. She doesn't see that because i am numb from it all. I had a friend one time who told me about the exact same experience you are going through. It's not funny but he told me that when he would initiate intimacy with his wife and she would come up with any excuse or roll over and fall asleep he would whip it out and tug away letting her know exactly what she was missing until he was all over her and the bed sheets. He said she would get really pissed and yell and scream at him for doing it but he laughed it off and said would tell her "Well at least I made my point"
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 24, 2017 13:09:08 GMT -5
To cut to the chase Brother doneanddone , - - your missus at one time at least, had a pretty healthy sex drive - at one time, you were a part of that, to some limited extent But that was then, and this is now. Now, you are averaging 4 roots every 6 years, and it reads like there's nothing particularly memorable or wonderful about the quality. What does the rest of your deal look like ? Is "everything great bar the sex ?" Or, as seen in here much of the time, is your deal actually pretty dysfunctional, PLUS there is no sex ? Dysfunctional, PLUS there is no sex.
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 21, 2017 15:17:32 GMT -5
@dan Ouch! Sounds like you are in for a rough couple of weeks ahead. I feel for you. I think if you can stomach through the wedding and then the NJ reception that's when you sit down and get the process started. I guess if I were in your position I would politely approach the W and simply lay it out there that with everything else taking precedence (wedding, reception....) the last thing you need to do is throw an uncomfortable situation into a new one getting started meaning your sons wedding. Make the experience about him and his bride to be and if push comes to shove with your wife make sure it is absolutely crystal clear that starting the discussion or process while the wedding process is taking place was not your idea.
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 21, 2017 14:31:00 GMT -5
I'm on the same level DZ75. Going and paying for a "professional" to convince my W to want to be intimate and have sex isn't the same as her wanting it for herself or for me for that matter. My issue is I need to get a handle on my performance. I know I come out the gates to fast. It's been so long for me that if put in a situation where I could go ham with a friend with benefits, I'd be so nervous about letting loose to soon that I probably wouldn't get a rematch. I'm more in between the acceptance and anger phases of dealing with my SM. It sucks, it just plan sucks.
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 21, 2017 14:04:04 GMT -5
My opinion is calendar sex or scheduled sex is pointless. If I have to remind my W to want to be intimate with me and it isn't reciprocated with the same or at least pretend it's the same level of interest than I'd rather handle by own business knowing I will be satisfied at the end. My W would flip over the couch if I even hinted at the idea of putting it on a calendar. She lives in her day planner but forgets half the stuff she writes in it to begin with so I'd be setting myself up for failure and disappointment by going this route. Sounds good in theory, and may work for some couples but not here. We've had open dialog about it. I getting to where I am seriously considering finding a F Buddy if ones available. Someone who just wants to get it and quit it. No strings, no emotions, just sex. Anyone else at this point or thought about that?
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 21, 2017 12:04:39 GMT -5
Hi. I just joined and left a lengthy introduction on the Introduce Yourself page. Seems like we all are in the same boat with this issue. With me it doesn't just stop with anniversary. It's birthday's (mine or hers), valentines day, special occasions, or even when we are alone at home without our daughter. I feel you pain. You are not alone.
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 21, 2017 11:37:09 GMT -5
WOW! I just happened to stumble across this forum through another site I was already on and the ILIASM tag caught my eye. I read through probably 2 maybe 3 posts and immediately decided this was the place I need to be. My story is similar in nature to just about all the stories I've seen so far. Prior to marriage the sex life was good, real good. 2 sometimes 4 sometimes everyday of the week for several weeks and months while dating. Then the proposal, engagement, then no sex for the year leading up to the wedding day. Wedding night was great and something should have tipped me off while on the honeymoon when we left for a Winter destination for two weeks only to have intimate contact three times. Why do I remember that, because that's really when it started. We were what I would consider a little more older in age when we decided to get married. Early 30's but at the time it was what we wanted. First few years there was an up and down cycle of maybe 2 times a month to maybe once every other month. Then it was maybe once every second or third month. Then finally it went to maybe once every six months to maybe one time the entire year. Five years in we conceived and are blessed with the most wonderful daughter in the world, as any parent would say. She is six now and since her arrival six year ago I have had sex with my wife a total of 4 times. I'm talking actual intercourse where my member is actually making contact and in her V. The last time was.....hmmmm.....let me check the expiration date on the box of condoms. Oh, wait, I forgot to tell you, yes, we cannot have any contact unless there is a condom. "Too afraid of an accident" excuse. Hey, I'm game, whatever it takes at this point.
So here we are 11 years into a marriage with our standard 1 child and absolutely no intimacy. One of her complaints to me in the bedroom is that I never just want to be close to her and anytime I get close all I want is sex. She'll ask me to rub her back and give her a massage. Great! Maybe I can warm her up and she'll remember what it feels like to be touched and then we can.......oh wait, she fell asleep. And the next day I get the "But your massage was just so relaxing I couldn't help but fall asleep" excuse. Time and time again I make an effort to initiate physical contact and it is met with excuse after excuse after excuse. I've asked her point blank if I am just no longer attractive or if the doing the act specifically with me turns her off to which both answers are no.
I'm at the point of giving up and seriously considering trying to find a therapist that specializes in getting men off. I think I starting to develop ED and I know for a fact I am a premature ejaculator. When I handle my own business, more times than not I'm not even full before I orgasm. Could be a number of things but even if I were to be lucky enough to have any sex let alone with my wife, I'd be so afraid of my own performance that I probably wouldn't be able to get it up and keep it up.
It hurts and occupies my thoughts most days at least for a few hours. Thanks for letting me rant and vent. I'm sure this will become a habit and I welcome any feedback, constructive criticism and advice from anyone of us out there who share similar experiences.
Oh yeah, before I forget there is one more thing I wanted to share and get off my chest. Prior to us getting married we dated for almost 7 years so it's not like things changed over night. It was sometime around the 5 year dating mark when one summer weekend she was out of town visiting her family in another state and I couldn't go with her so I stayed home. We stayed at her apartment......you following me.....HER apartment. So while she was out of town I took care of the apartment. Cleaned, did the laundry....normal chores. At the time I had just purchased a new TV and a replacement entertainment unit to replace her outdated busted pressure board old school push glass front door TV stand. Well while going through emptying out her TV unit I removed the VCR, Playstation, DVD player, DVD's, VHS movies..... And in the very back of the bottom shelf where all the VHS movies were kept was this one tape that had no label on it. You could see where the label used to be because there was remnants of the sticky glue used to adhere the label on the tape left where the label goes. Hmmmm, that's strange wonder what this is. No biggie, I'll just play it once I have everything is set back up. So, i get everything set up and pop the tape in. I'll rewind it so if it is something worth watching I catch it from the beginning. When the tape began I thought how cool. It was a home movie of my GF and her family at a Christmas dinner from when she was in college and she was visiting. I recognized most the people in the video, mom, dad, brother, a few cousins whom I had met....... I just let it play while I went about my business folding the laundry. It would skip and cut out to another home clip of another family event, at a football game, or theme park, or just wasting tape recording whatever. I thought the tape was over because there was a long break from the last clip to the next. What came on the screen put me in a state of shock. I immediately knew what I was about to see. First thing that comes into focus is a hand adjusting the camera so it focuses in on a bed, her bed. Then it just happened. He walks into the view of the camera, lays on the bed, pulls out his junk. She walks into view of the camera naked as a jay bird, climbs on the bed next to him and begins to perform oral like well she never has to me. I watched as she not only gave oral but welcomed it openly without hesitation. They did a few positions that I've never had the opportunity to and when he was ready to release she took it. Three separate clips of the similar activity all with the same guy. Of course all this happened prior to either of us knowing each other and well before we started dating. I tried not to watch it and at one point took the tape out and put it away but later that night I couldn't help myself. I wanted to know why, when, who. The next day she was coming home so there was no need to get into it over the phone so when she got home, neatly placed on the kitchen bar next to where she always put her purse and keys was the tape. I was in the bedroom just getting my shoes on going for a run. I heard her come in, she shouted from the front door, and by the time I made my way out to the living room she was already sitting on the couch holding the tape in her hands with her head down and tears in her eyes. She asked me if I had watched it, I said yes and went for my run. When I came back she had already had half a bottle of Chardonnay and opening a second with a glass poured for me so we could "talk" about what was on the tape. She went into this long drawn out story of college, smoking weed for the first time, experimenting with girls, having A sex (which was clearly seen on tape btw), giving oral, being very "inexperienced" and "curious" all at the same time but "immature and stupid" for making and keeping the tape. It was very awkward for a bit after that day. We talked, we cried, we made promises. She destroyed the tape that night. I wanted so bad for her to watch it and hear what I heard and see what I saw. I did and do forgive her for it even though she owes me no apology since it all took place prior to us knowing each other or knowing we would be together, married and raising a child. She tried to make up for it a few months later by setting up a camera and taping us having sex. She wouldn't show her face like she did on her tape, and she wouldn't go back and watch it with me. I destroyed it about a year later before we got married.
Sometimes I wish the person who I saw in her tape would just come out and relive those moments with me. It hurts. It hurts deep to know she was like that with someone once and it's not me.
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