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Post by doneanddone on May 11, 2017 9:19:29 GMT -5
All of them are equal in that the end result is the same regardless of the reason or rationale. I've heard them all so nothing phases me when it comes to being refused.
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Post by doneanddone on May 11, 2017 6:22:14 GMT -5
"Never make someone a priority in your life, when they only consider you an option in theirs". sounds like something my wife would say in the heat of an argument. makes sense but still sounds like her. I like it but hate it all at the same time. DAMN PONDERING THOUGHTS!!!!
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Post by doneanddone on May 11, 2017 6:18:59 GMT -5
Is Marriage for everyone? HELL NO! baza has been telling us to "tread your own path" for years - and he's right. I checked all the boxes too. What I realized 18 years later - I hate living in a box. Ask your therapist about their comment. See what he/she says. Perhaps they were attempting to validate your decisions in your life, or maybe they just finished up with another client who is so fucked up they can't hold down a job and still live at home with their parents. At any rate, if you are not comfortable with this therapist, find another one you like. There isn't a therapist in the world that wants you to stay with them if they aren't helping you. If they try to hold on to you - RED FLAG and move on without guilt. Check out this link. She discusses how society has evolved and what Hollywood has taught us love is "supposed" to be. I've seen this one before.....pretty good stuff
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Post by doneanddone on May 11, 2017 6:15:37 GMT -5
I've always held the position of
If you go into any situation with the lowest of expectations, anything other than that, it's an improvement and a positive.
Do i practice that, no. But it is something to always keep in mind.
Great update!!!
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Post by doneanddone on May 9, 2017 15:46:41 GMT -5
A co-worker of mine got taken back to court to increase his child support payments because the ex wanted a new car (Mercedes). It turned out that his brother pointed out something in the paperwork that the standard paternity test had come back negative on him. He had just not noticed it the first go-around. Turns out that she not only didn't get the Mercedes, but had to pay back 7 years of child support and the judge granted custody to him (which he declined). This is a second-hand story, but from what I understand, there was MUCH screaming involved from ALL parties. Now, that is a delicious story of sweet justice! (And painful lack of attention to detail.) I'd like to believe the guy got 7 years financially returned to him but i seriously doubt it. The other reason that this sounds skeptical is the whole issue of paternity to begin with. That must be established before any other preceding take place with child support. And it's not uncommon for the payee have his/her child support increased on a routine basis. Many of my guy friends have had to go to court to dispute this. It is a given that the other side receiving the child support will routinely go after an increase based on annual salary, changing jobs, paying off credit cards, paying off cars, paying off house, buying a car, trying to move and buy a house..... For each time the receiving party of child support goes after an increase the payee always disputes it just to hold it up until the judge makes the decision. More than half the time child support goes up regardless of the circumstances. And not uncommon to decline custody based on financial burden + still having to pay child support.
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Post by doneanddone on May 9, 2017 15:38:48 GMT -5
Is marriage a human condition? Is it a universal goal? Do we all long to find that one person to settle down with? Is it in our very nature to couple up with a mate for life? ...or are these things that society tries to convince us of? Are some of us better suited for marriage? Are others more suited for.... something else? If so, what IS that something else? My therapist said something to me a while back that never sat well with me. She said that I have done pretty well in life and that i should be proud. She said that I have met the developmental milestones. ...as in, I got a career, I moved out of the house I grew up in, I met my wife, got married, and had kids. Developmental milestones. What is that supposed to mean? Like I have checked off the boxes that deem me "ok" in her book of psychobabble or something. Couldn't I have been "ok" as a human if I didn't go the route that she dictated? Just because I walked the straight and narrow, I can say I did it right? ....then why does it feel so wrong somedays. My career doesn't quite fit. I'm not sure I am cut out for sharing a life with another. I struggle to be a good father. Sometimes i just wonder if I made a terrible mistake by following the prescribed path. Maybe I should have listened to my own voice more and ignored the influence of my parents and of society as a whole? Maybe I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Maybe it's just not for me ...or maybe I really am not "ok" if I have those thoughts. Sorry for the depressed vibe. It's just been a rough week so far. I'm really questioning a lot of things in my life right now. No marriage is not for everyone. Especially if you are like me and with wife #2. Should've stopped after one but chose otherwise. Was it the right choice? Don't know. Do I have to look at myself everyday for making that choice, yes? Do i get upset and angry or depressed that I made that choice, some days, yes. Do i regret it.........no. Just because we fit in a category does not make us "normal" or "ok". You wouldn't be human if you didn't have thoughts like this. Expressing yourself here in the long run, you will find helps. At least it has for me.
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Post by doneanddone on May 8, 2017 15:58:49 GMT -5
doneanddone Get the snip. But find a relative to stay with after you have it done. You will be very sore. But since you know that you don't want any more kids, it is best. thanks. I've already posted this but it is a decision that is two....not three fold. 1. Know in my heart of hearts, I don't want any more kids. The one I have is perfect and don't want to share her with anyone or anything. 2. When I get this done, I'll know if the wife was truthful about the not wanting to get pregnant excuse. Either we re-ignite the bed on fire or she's a fucking douche-bag liar. 3. If outsourcing is the way to go or another relationship altogether, that is up front laid out on the table that I am snipped.
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Post by doneanddone on May 8, 2017 15:42:58 GMT -5
I just wanted to vent a little about my frustrations this weekend. Last night was a work event I wanted to go to so I went with some coworkers and left the hubby at home. I can't remember the last time I socialized like this. My coworkers are serious parties and with the company picking up the tab there was definitely a lot of drinking. I haven't had more that a glass of wine in years and I had so much fun! At the same time I felt guilty for leaving the H at home with the kiddo while I went out, but he doesn't really enjoy socializing. I hadn't seen him all day and was hoping for a nice greeting when I got home. Instead he was cleaning and just said hey, I'm gonna finish this chore then go to bed. I sat on the couch, I was still pretty tipsy. He asked aren't you going to bed? I'm thinking, why? I can't even get a hug or a hey I missed you. Tonight was date night and we went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. Most the day I was thinking of bailing because date night seems like such a pretense. I ended going because, hey, at least I get to see a great movie. It was awesome by the way. We walked to the car and he opened the door. I told him, hey it's a date, how about a kiss? And we kissed and it was amazing. I miss those kisses, he smells and tastes amazing. But I have to make him kiss me. It's just so profoundly sad to me today. It's like, he isn't opposed to kissing, but he would never think of it himself. Just doesn't cross his mind. I told him, it's not a first date, you can kiss me. Hell you can even get laid tonight. He laughed and I knew that was hopeless. As I said, just wanting to vent. very similar to my some of my situations. I've made comments like that to my wife before and she does the same thing. She'll shrug them off or play it off like it's no big deal to her. She knows its a big deal but doesn't want to address it. But she will be the first to address every other marriage problem we have. I wouldn't feel to bad about leaving him at home for the night. You need to get out and remember what it's like to be you outside of being married. I don't mean go hog wild and step out on your husband but you need to remember what it's like to have a life of your own separate but married. I've gone out without my wife a few times and it does give me the confidence to be more open about our SM conversations. She wants to shy away from them but being able to experience time away from her but not cheat on her or outsource simply to satisfy a "want" makes me all that more comfortable approaching her and whatever reasons or excuses she wants to give. I'm learning to adjust and not care based on her and what she does. For a long time I thought if i stick it out long enough I'll get some, or she'll cave eventually, or she's gonna get horny one night and then everything will be fine. Nope, that's not the case. She's never going to come around so I have to make the changes in my way of thinking and I have to change my approach to the whole situation. Now when i attempt to initiate an intimate moment or want to get close and cuddly with my wife and she shy's away or pulls back I'm just like "Ok. That's fine" and go about my business as if it had no effect on me which it's starting not to anymore. I did that the just yesterday and when she pulled back and I walked away she tried to stop me and ask why I was so quick to turn around and leave. I simply told her, "oh I didn't think you were into it so I left you alone" and walked off anyway. She had this look on her face like she had lost her best friend and in the back on my head I'm thinking....good, glad you feel like shit for once.
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Post by doneanddone on May 8, 2017 10:43:14 GMT -5
So one of the reasons she says she stopped having sex was because she was afraid of accidentally getting pregnant. So my question to the fellas is has the thought of a vasectomy or the conversation of having it done ever come up and if so did you do it with positive results or did you do it and no change? Obviously, you would have come to the conclusion of getting it done for other reasons that just to have sex and not get wife, girlfriend, lover, fiance.....pregnant so I'm just curious as to those who have had it done what the outcome was for the sexless issues if that was an excuse or reason your refuser withheld sex with you...... Yes, it was one of the reasons Mrs. Apocrypha refused sex with me. She was depressed and wanted to remove The Pill as one of the meds she had to take. After our second child, we were on shaky ground (really, it was shaky when we had the first), so I thought things through. I was all in with removing any impediment to her feeling comfortable, reasonably sure I didn't want any more kids, and I agreed to the procedure. Sex did not return to my life with her after that, when she stopped taking the pill. It was just one of hundreds of intermingled excuses or reasons for not having sex. Plus, she ended up having risker sex with others, after. Not so "anti-sex" after all. My wife doesn't do the pill or any other form of birth control. She is extremely and i mean extremely concerned with her appearance and weight. She says she feels like a blob all the time and has no energy. What i am learning about myself through this whole process is how much of a low self esteem I have of myself for allowing this to continue for as long as it has without addressing the problem. Her concerns about herself and any issues she has with herself in regards to sex are hers to deal with. If she says she feels lazy or fat and i try to comfort her she blows me off and says 'You have to say that, your my husband'. Also, I am beginning to see that she is lazy but if I say something that agrees with her that will just cause a massive blowout argument. Shit is just getting ridiculous.
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Post by doneanddone on May 8, 2017 10:26:18 GMT -5
Last night after work my W decided that she wanted to clear the air. In the long car ride out to dinner, she reiterate that she believes that love is separate from sex. A high school boyfriend was getting ready to break up with her and thought that sex would fix their relationship problems but ended up breaking it off anyway. Right off, her first experience with sex was negative so her mind is made up forever... Add to that the fact that both of her parents cheated on each other and she has a very difficult set of mental issues to deal with. She told me that she won't apologize for her beliefs and that I had no right to tell her that her beliefs were wrong. She told me again that sex is still painful for her and that she is afraid of getting UTI's for which she is prone. She made some excuses about us being on our phones all the time and that was why we were never intimate in other non-intercourse ways. She made the suggestion that the bedroom be a technology free area. She seemed open to trying more to do things other than intercourse but has said similar things before with little follow through. She will be gone to work this afternoon and evening and I plan to use that time to write a response so that she can't get me sidetracked with rebuttal in the middle. Some points I will make: She said I have no right to tell her that her beliefs are wrong. It works both ways. She blamed her past for forming her beliefs. I refuse to spend the rest of my life being punished for the mistakes of every other male in her life. I have always been faithful to her and never asked her for sex until after we were married. I demand that she go to individual counseling and that we go to a marriage counselor together to sort through all this. She blames the physical issues. I demand that she see a doctor and I want to go with her so I can hear what is said. Lastly, physical and sexual intimacy is a huge part of what makes me the man I am . By her saying that it's not important, she is saying that a huge part of ME is not important to her. It's not just rejecting sex, it's rejecting the person I am. Sex is important to me. I felt it was such a special and personal part of my identity that I made the decision to save that part of myself for the woman I was going to share the rest of my life with. Now, when I offer to share that special and personal part of myself, I am told that it is worthless and undesirable. These are my beliefs and she has no right to tell me I am wrong. If anyone here sees something I left out or something from another thread that I forgot, please let me know. What's your end goal? Do you want to continue in this marriage? Do you want your wife to have sex with you? Do you want your wife to speak with counselors? I get that the physical and sexual intimacy is big for you but what I am not understanding is what is the outcome you are looking for? Just like most of us here, our spouse of partner has refused our initiating of intimacy or close physical contact. So, I just wanted to ask that up front.
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Post by doneanddone on May 8, 2017 9:30:20 GMT -5
Scheduled for July 14th... calendar marked. I don't expect any change in my house mate though. Yeah, I'm leaning that way as well. Although it's going to be interesting to see how she responds to her own fears of not wanting to get pregnant knowing that I won't be the one with live rounds.
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Post by doneanddone on May 8, 2017 9:26:50 GMT -5
Usually I would say this would be choice a husband and wife would make but if your wife is using this as an excuse then I say this becomes your choice. Your age, if you even have an inkling you may want kids don't ... if you asking the question here you already know deep down this is just any other excuse your wife uses It basically has become my choice. Although we have discussed it in detail and the reasoning why I want to get it done I am leaning on the side of there won't be much improvement to the SM. And I have already stated clearly, I personally do not want another child. I have a daughter and like most if not all parents, my child is everything to me. Not wanting another child is something that is important to me moving forward whether is be in my SM or not. Anymore these days, financially, it is getting more and more difficult for families with multiple children. I have friends who are really struggling with two and three kids. And these are very well educated, well off people with great careers and important jobs withing their respective areas of expertise. They just are ruined by the financial burden of daycare, insurance, daily needs of food and clothing for not just their children but them as well. Then they have to have the proper safety car seats and a vehicle with enough space to accommodate them all so the list just goes on and on, large enough house..... That may not be a good excuse to not want more children but I also see the families who are split up or divorced with multiple children. That's another financial burden on the party that has to pay child support. So do I want any more children. No I don't. So my motivation is two fold. One, I am hoping that the excuse my wife gives of not wanting to get pregnant again is true and once the procedure is done we can return to something of a more routine sex life. And two, if that isn't the case and the SM continues, I am now in a position to where if I chose to outsource either up front with her knowing or not knowing, I would not have to worry about any accidents that would completely turn life upside down. And a third, if things don't work out with our marriage, I would make it absolutely crystal clear with any new relationship that I would be sterile, and children for me are not off the table but I wouldn't be fathering any.
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Post by doneanddone on May 5, 2017 21:50:45 GMT -5
I wouldn't ever do that. I've talked to a few men who had it done and their wives continued to deny sex afterwards even when they said that was what they wanted. And most of them ended up divorced and regretted having it done. Because sometimes they got with a new wife who really wanted to have a baby.
There are other ways to have birth control other than vasectomy. And if they don't like it, then I need to be with someone else.
Just my 2 cents. I am good without having another child. My wife is too. If it doesn't work out then if and when I get involved in another relationship that will be a definite ground rule and if she isn't good with that I move on. Besides I hate condoms....
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Post by doneanddone on May 5, 2017 16:07:19 GMT -5
So one of the reasons she says she stopped having sex was because she was afraid of accidentally getting pregnant. So my question to the fellas is has the thought of a vasectomy or the conversation of having it done ever come up and if so did you do it with positive results or did you do it and no change? Obviously, you would have come to the conclusion of getting it done for other reasons that just to have sex and not get wife, girlfriend, lover, fiance.....pregnant so I'm just curious as to those who have had it done what the outcome was for the sexless issues if that was an excuse or reason your refuser withheld sex with you...... I wasn't given that particular reason for the sexlessness. I had considered a vasectomy though. Mainly because I have often wondered if her being on the pill is part of the low libido she experiences. I'm fairly confident that she wouldn't want to stop using the pill though. She likes how it regulates her cycle. I never brought this stuff up though. I still may consider pitching this option of a vasectomy for me and no pill for her if things go south again in the future. I think if you are absolutely positively sure that you don't want more kids in the future, then I see it as something to certainly try. It couldn't hurt. ...well, ok maybe it'll hurt a bit. ...but you know what I mean. I personally am suspicious of her claim though. Most people that want sex simply use contraceptives and have sex. So I'm not sure I'm buying it. I'm not buying it either but I am sure I don't want any more kids....the one I have now is all I want...im selfish and do not want to share my daughter with anyone .....let alone another kid.... As far as buying her claim....if and when I get the "V" at least I'll be free of contraceptives unless that's what future partners ask of me which I'll be more than willing to do because at that point I'll be in a relationship with a healthy sex life.😎
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Post by doneanddone on May 5, 2017 13:56:17 GMT -5
I just recalled the other day that years ago a friend (whom i lost as an indirect result of pursuing my partner) told me to beware this woman because she is a cold bitch. More than twenty years later, i don't have any friends and i don't even know who i am because i decided to bury my life in a relationship with this woman. I wouldn't listen and it basically cost me everything. It's kind of natural to bury your life in a relationship with your spouse. It's actually the entire point. Mine isn't a cold bitch. She's actually a good person, just a total mis-match as a wife. But in the end it's the same result. Starting over and trying to rekindle lost friendships. "Just a total mis-match as a wife" Can I steal that one......? I wanna make a t-shirt with an arrow pointing to which ever side she is standing beside me and wear it everyday.....
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