kal
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by kal on Apr 4, 2017 13:22:01 GMT -5
Hello everyone! I am a brand new member here, have been reading as much as I can from other forums and websites on SM. I am the AP of someone who is in a SM and I want to do whatever I can to love and support her in the process of getting out of her SM as well as healing through the process and afterwards. I hope that it is ok that I am here and that you all are ok with me trying to gain some insight and perspective. The posts here have already given me great insight and I really hope to learn as much as I possibly can. Any words of wisdom or advice are always welcome. I want to be able to help my significant other get through this and support her as much as possible. I know the road ahead is a difficult one already and I want to do whatever I can to make it a little easier for her.
Thank you so much!!!!!
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Post by Admin on Apr 4, 2017 14:20:57 GMT -5
I am the AP of someone who is in a SM and I want to do whatever I can to love and support her in the process of getting out of her SM as well as healing through the process and afterwards. I hope that it is ok that I am here and that you all are ok with me trying to gain some insight and perspective. As per our guidelines, this site is for those in a sexless marriage; those in sexless, marriage-like long term relationships; and those wishing to support friends in such relationships. So, kal, welcome.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Apr 4, 2017 16:21:03 GMT -5
Hello everyone! I am a brand new member here, have been reading as much as I can from other forums and websites on SM. I am the AP of someone who is in a SM and I want to do whatever I can to love and support her in the process of getting out of her SM as well as healing through the process and afterwards. I hope that it is ok that I am here and that you all are ok with me trying to gain some insight and perspective. The posts here have already given me great insight and I really hope to learn as much as I possibly can. Any words of wisdom or advice are always welcome. I want to be able to help my significant other get through this and support her as much as possible. I know the road ahead is a difficult one already and I want to do whatever I can to make it a little easier for her. Thank you so much!!!!! You being here already reflects your affection for her. Any of us would be fortunate to have someone in our lives that wanted to understand and help! So thank you for wanting to help her. Others seeing your support for your AP may feel inspired as well. If I may ask, is she in the process of leaving her SM, or is she currently with you and still with her H?
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 4, 2017 16:30:59 GMT -5
kal - welcome. I haven't seen an AP post here & it definitely shows a level of support that most of us likely wish(ed) for. Main starting point is she visit a lawyer to learn how a divorce would shake out for her. If you were female AP dating a man in an SM, the odds of them splitting are less. Something like 60% of divorces are initiated by wives, though, so your chances that she will leave her H may be good. Still - the SM definitely f*€ks with our heads, so .... Just because you ARE supportive, there's no guarantee that she'll go through with divorce or stay with you if she does. I'm just saying - it's a wonderful thing that you are trying to learn about this (it's become a mission, practically, to make this a topic that society can discuss openly) but you won't be able to make her decisions for her. Read up. Learn what you can. Support her how you can. But remember that many who outsource also stay in the dysfunctional marriage. Good luck with the quest for knowledge though!!
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kal
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by kal on Apr 4, 2017 18:22:23 GMT -5
Hello everyone! I am a brand new member here, have been reading as much as I can from other forums and websites on SM. I am the AP of someone who is in a SM and I want to do whatever I can to love and support her in the process of getting out of her SM as well as healing through the process and afterwards. I hope that it is ok that I am here and that you all are ok with me trying to gain some insight and perspective. The posts here have already given me great insight and I really hope to learn as much as I possibly can. Any words of wisdom or advice are always welcome. I want to be able to help my significant other get through this and support her as much as possible. I know the road ahead is a difficult one already and I want to do whatever I can to make it a little easier for her. Thank you so much!!!!! You being here already reflects your affection for her. Any of us would be fortunate to have someone in our lives that wanted to understand and help! So thank you for wanting to help her. Others seeing your support for your AP may feel inspired as well. If I may ask, is she in the process of leaving her SM, or is she currently with you and still with her H? She is just now beginning the process. She has started therapy, and has a set plan that she intends to follow. However at this time she is still with her H and seeing me. I know that this will be a process. Really just want to make sure I can help her in any way possible, I don't want to be pushy and I have always been very careful to not give my opinion on the SM or her H. I feel that while some of the issues may be clear for me to see, and the road ahead may seem clear to me, it is not like that for her and she needs to realize those things on her own. It wasn't even until maybe a month ago that she decided that she needed to get out. Again the whole time I have been with her, I have strived to not push her towards getting out, because it needed to be entirely her decision!
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kal
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by kal on Apr 4, 2017 18:28:43 GMT -5
kal - welcome. I haven't seen an AP post here & it definitely shows a level of support that most of us likely wish(ed) for. Main starting point is she visit a lawyer to learn how a divorce would shake out for her. If you were female AP dating a man in an SM, the odds of them splitting are less. Something like 60% of divorces are initiated by wives, though, so your chances that she will leave her H may be good. Still - the SM definitely f*€ks with our heads, so .... Just because you ARE supportive, there's no guarantee that she'll go through with divorce or stay with you if she does. I'm just saying - it's a wonderful thing that you are trying to learn about this (it's become a mission, practically, to make this a topic that society can discuss openly) but you won't be able to make her decisions for her. Read up. Learn what you can. Support her how you can. But remember that many who outsource also stay in the dysfunctional marriage. Good luck with the quest for knowledge though!! I appreciate the advice you have given! I have never once pushed her towards an exit or even mentioned a date to have everything done by. I wanted it to be her choice and not influenced by anything I say. I know my presence is enough of an influence on its own. I came to terms with the fact that she might not follow through some time ago. That cannot deter me from supporting or loving her. If it does not happen, then it does not happen. It is her life, not mine and I cannot force her to leave. I will pick up the pieces should that scenario arise. I have faith in her and I trust her completely though and honestly I haven't really been worried about that outcome at all. My goal here is to learn as much as I can, be the best partner I can be, and help her heal. I know that exiting the SM is only the beginning but I love her and want to be there every step of the way. Thank you so much!
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 4, 2017 19:09:09 GMT -5
Excellent response, kal - from the little info provided, your head is as much in the right place as your heart. You're a dear one & she is lucky to have you on her side in this.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 4, 2017 19:28:06 GMT -5
www.facebook.com/Say-Goodbye-to-Crazy-1688676428025282/ This book is written just for you! I doubt you will find anything so geared to your situation.It is written for a woman who is dating/married to a man who is now seperated/divorced from a narcissist/manipulative controller.(crazy). You would both find it very helpful. The ending is much about enforcing boundaries to reach your final goal of eliminating,crazy's influence and control in your life. Get a fresh start, a new beginning. shrink4men.com/Very helpful for woman too. Over 150 different articles and videos. Thank you for being there for this fine lady!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2017 9:31:40 GMT -5
Hello everyone! I am a brand new member here, have been reading as much as I can from other forums and websites on SM. I am the AP of someone who is in a SM and I want to do whatever I can to love and support her in the process of getting out of her SM as well as healing through the process and afterwards. I hope that it is ok that I am here and that you all are ok with me trying to gain some insight and perspective. The posts here have already given me great insight and I really hope to learn as much as I possibly can. Any words of wisdom or advice are always welcome. I want to be able to help my significant other get through this and support her as much as possible. I know the road ahead is a difficult one already and I want to do whatever I can to make it a little easier for her. Thank you so much!!!!! Thank god for people like you. You are wonderful! Welcome to the group.
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kal
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by kal on Apr 5, 2017 10:39:35 GMT -5
Hello everyone! I am a brand new member here, have been reading as much as I can from other forums and websites on SM. I am the AP of someone who is in a SM and I want to do whatever I can to love and support her in the process of getting out of her SM as well as healing through the process and afterwards. I hope that it is ok that I am here and that you all are ok with me trying to gain some insight and perspective. The posts here have already given me great insight and I really hope to learn as much as I possibly can. Any words of wisdom or advice are always welcome. I want to be able to help my significant other get through this and support her as much as possible. I know the road ahead is a difficult one already and I want to do whatever I can to make it a little easier for her. Thank you so much!!!!! Thank god for people like you. You are wonderful! Welcome to the group. Thank god for people like the woman I am seeing. It is her that inspires me, that drives me. She is the most incredible person I have ever met in my entire life. She deserves someone that would go to the ends of the earth and beyond for her. I am merely trying to live up to that. I Love her so much, I would do absolutely anything for her. Thank you for your kind words, it means the world to me. I have to be honest my friends and family all believe me to be crazy have told me to protect myself. It is nice to see a community that will provide help rather than caution. I cannot protect myself for I have given myself completely to this woman. She deserves nothing less. Our relationship deserves nothing less. Right now we are at the part of the myth where she must go through her trials and tribulations, but if I can lend aid I will. I know we will both learn a great deal about ourselves as well as our relationship as a result of these trials, but I cannot help but wish I could take all of her pain and suffering away. At the end of this story I hope that we can be together, but ultimately I just want her to be happy.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 5, 2017 11:35:44 GMT -5
Thank god for people like you. You are wonderful! Welcome to the group. Thank god for people like the woman I am seeing. It is her that inspires me, that drives me. She is the most incredible person I have ever met in my entire life. She deserves someone that would go to the ends of the earth and beyond for her. I am merely trying to live up to that. I Love her so much, I would do absolutely anything for her. Thank you for your kind words, it means the world to me. I have to be honest my friends and family all believe me to be crazy have told me to protect myself. It is nice to see a community that will provide help rather than caution. I cannot protect myself for I have given myself completely to this woman. She deserves nothing less. Our relationship deserves nothing less. Right now we are at the part of the myth where she must go through her trials and tribulations, but if I can lend aid I will. I know we will both learn a great deal about ourselves as well as our relationship as a result of these trials, but I cannot help but wish I could take all of her pain and suffering away. At the end of this story I hope that we can be together, but ultimately I just want her to be happy. I am 90% on board with your attitude! So take this as kind advice. Your last sentence bothers me some. "I hope that we can be together, but ultimately I just want her to be happy". There is NOTHING WRONG with looking out for YOURSELF! Your needs, wants, desires, and happiness. Don't fall into a "happy wife , happy life" trap that many of us have done. Do you get to see the other side of the coin? The perspective from her current husband?
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Post by lyn on Apr 5, 2017 23:01:04 GMT -5
Hi kal! Thank you so much for posting! It's so interesting to get a unique perspective on "all this". Personally, I'd love it if you'd participate in this forum. Would LOVE to hear your perspective on things. Btw, your girlfriend is lucky to have you in her corner.
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kal
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by kal on Apr 6, 2017 12:17:26 GMT -5
You are right. I did not elaborate enough. Yes I want to be happy as well in this. I believe to the very core of my being that us being together will be a happy and wonderful thing for both of us. But I cannot actively fight for her to leave or to make decisions, at least not yet. My happiness is not dependent upon her being happy, however I greatly desire that she be happy in life. I do not really get to see the perspective of him at all. I know that he is not a bad person. He is not controlling, abusive, or anything else that would allow one to view him in a negative light. If anything its the opposite. He has always been very supportive of her, loved her in his own way, and has been an all around great person. She has explained it to me, that it is as if she has married her brother though. They love each other, but as one would love a sibling. I do have to say, this really made me question my own character throughout this process, was I the bad person, I came to the conclusion that I was not. That their relationship was that way before I came around. That eventually it would have been pushed to the point where one of them had to admit there was a problem. As always any advice is always welcome!
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kal
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by kal on Apr 6, 2017 12:28:11 GMT -5
Hi kal ! Thank you so much for posting! It's so interesting to get a unique perspective on "all this". Personally, I'd love it if you'd participate in this forum. Would LOVE to hear your perspective on things. Btw, your girlfriend is lucky to have you in her corner. I am loving this forum. The people are so amazing and supportive. I definitely want to lend my perspective on things since I am here to learn about everyone else's! I would be more than happy to help people the way this forum has already been helping me!
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Post by Dan on Apr 6, 2017 13:32:32 GMT -5
.... I Love her so much, I would do absolutely anything for her... At the end of this story I hope that we can be together, but ultimately I just want her to be happy. Oh boy... are you smitten. Not sayin' it's good or bad... just sayin'.
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