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Post by Black Eagle on Apr 16, 2017 11:28:33 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum Black Eagle. I hope you find some solace here.
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Post by Black Eagle on Apr 16, 2017 11:34:24 GMT -5
Thanks to all still wake up every morning in a empty bed wanting to hold, cuddle, kiss and talk to someone who wants to be there with me but every day it's same wake up emptiness 😩 But the upside I get great sleep because I don't lay in bed next to someone expecting and hoping for intimacy and being frustrated because it doesn't happen- I actually looked forward to talking here this morning
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 16, 2017 17:55:05 GMT -5
Thanks to all still wake up every morning in a empty bed wanting to hold, cuddle, kiss and talk to someone who wants to be there with me but every day it's same wake up emptiness 😩 But the upside I get great sleep because I don't lay in bed next to someone expecting and hoping for intimacy and being frustrated because it doesn't happen- I actually looked forward to talking here this morning This part was and is me. I used to lay beside my X trying to hold, cuddle or kiss her, and often ended up being pushed away. Now like you I get a goods nights rest, unless the dog needs to go out and wakes me . Having the whole bed is one of the positive aspects of being out of a S/M.
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Post by hopelessromantic on Apr 18, 2017 14:58:02 GMT -5
Hi all, I finally found a place I feel like i'm understood. New here, my story seems the same as others. Married only 7 years but I saw signs after the first year and even now when I look back they were there from the start. I ask myself why I am still living this nightmare everyday. In addition to no sex, I get no affection what so ever. Not even a good morning or a good night. A year ago I was at work and he moved himself into the spare bedroom without any warning because he told me he needed space. I have no reason to think he is cheating because he never leaves the house and he is very inhibited around people, but you never know. We are both older with grown children, not our first marriage. He refuses to seek counseling, and just says sex does not interest him. I have tried everything. I am told (thank God) from others that it is not my looks, but it is hard not to feel unattractive when your husband has no interest. Seems like we just play house here, I cook I clean I work outside the home, I have our blended family over monthly for big dinners, and he loves that aspect of the marriage but to me its living a lie. A few days ago on a car ride to visit family I asked him if he ever missed being intimate with me. After a long pause he said no, not really. I wanted to jump out of the moving car! What a horrible thing to say. It was then I realized i'm fighting a losing battle. I'm happy to finally find a forum where I can say how I really feel and hopefully get me moving in the right direction.
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 18, 2017 15:51:16 GMT -5
Welcome. I've only been here for a week or so and feel at home in a very important way: we all get it. I know exactly how you feel. Just remember: IT'S NOT YOU! It never is although it always feels like it.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Apr 18, 2017 23:42:36 GMT -5
Hi all, I finally found a place I feel like i'm understood. New here, my story seems the same as others. Married only 7 years but I saw signs after the first year and even now when I look back they were there from the start. I ask myself why I am still living this nightmare everyday. In addition to no sex, I get no affection what so ever. Not even a good morning or a good night. A year ago I was at work and he moved himself into the spare bedroom without any warning because he told me he needed space. I have no reason to think he is cheating because he never leaves the house and he is very inhibited around people, but you never know. We are both older with grown children, not our first marriage. He refuses to seek counseling, and just says sex does not interest him. I have tried everything. I am told (thank God) from others that it is not my looks, but it is hard not to feel unattractive when your husband has no interest. Seems like we just play house here, I cook I clean I work outside the home, I have our blended family over monthly for big dinners, and he loves that aspect of the marriage but to me its living a lie. A few days ago on a car ride to visit family I asked him if he ever missed being intimate with me. After a long pause he said no, not really. I wanted to jump out of the moving car! What a horrible thing to say. It was then I realized i'm fighting a losing battle. I'm happy to finally find a forum where I can say how I really feel and hopefully get me moving in the right direction. Sorry you are here hopeless, but I am glad you found this place. I imagine once you start reading through some of these posts you may be heading towards a somewhat unexpected path. It sadly does not sound like you have much of a marriage anymore, children being grown helps a lot though. Good luck! Oh, and look in the SM issues and the Resources subs!
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 19, 2017 1:04:56 GMT -5
Hi Hopelessromantic, Welcome, it's lovely to meet you and sad to hear your story. You can speak freely and get plenty of support here.
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 19, 2017 1:12:41 GMT -5
Hi Wreckededhead, Welcome. You're right, there are no easy choices for those who find themselves here but I hope that you find some solace.
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Post by Dan on Apr 19, 2017 7:47:33 GMT -5
... A few days ago on a car ride to visit family I asked him if he ever missed being intimate with me. After a long pause he said no, not really. I wanted to jump out of the moving car! What a horrible thing to say. It was then I realized i'm fighting a losing battle. ... Ugh: hearing of a loving wife who WANTS marital intimacy and whose husband is not interested makes ME want to jump out of a moving car as well! Look on the bright side: at least he was honest. Now you know what you are dealing with. Spend some time here, read the posts, interact with folks. That will give you advice and ideas. That will lead to you being able to make some plans... and -- most importantly -- gather the courage you need to take the next step.
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Post by lyn on Apr 19, 2017 11:11:52 GMT -5
Thanks to all still wake up every morning in a empty bed wanting to hold, cuddle, kiss and talk to someone who wants to be there with me but every day it's same wake up emptiness 😩 But the upside I get great sleep because I don't lay in bed next to someone expecting and hoping for intimacy and being frustrated because it doesn't happen- I actually looked forward to talking here this morning Welcome Black Eagle - you certainly are among friends here. There is something to be said for sleeping in your own bed after years of laying next to a corpse. (From my own perspective of course) Just my 2c, but, there are literally billions of women in the world. 80%, or so, LOVE sex & intimacy and are out looking for someone just like you. It's of course a valid choice to stay where you are as well. But, always good to consider options.
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Post by hopelessromantic on Apr 19, 2017 12:10:33 GMT -5
Thank you all for the reply's, I.m going to read through everything here. but already I feel a sense of peace knowing it's not me or that I was asking for too much. It's crazy how you try and shift the blame to yourself when your faced with this situation. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 20, 2017 12:38:40 GMT -5
I look forward to hearing how others continue to meet the challenge of living in these kind of relationships. I never really thought I was alone I just thought most people never really talked about living the way we live. I often tell everyone that I'm in a roommate/companion type of relationship versus a traditional marriage. Welcome, Black Eagle. This is a great place to share and learn from one another. I've been married 20yrs, and it's good to know how others ahead of me are doing. SM is not a topic my neighbors and relatives engage in. I've been sleeping in a separate bedroom also, for 12 yrs. But it isn't bad at all, freedom may be more important than love. I was watching Hacksaw Ridge movie until 3am (yeah freedom) last night. And the battle for freedom (WWII) comes first before love interest. I'm sorry to hear you are in a roommate type relationship. That needs to change for the better. Good luck.
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 21, 2017 11:37:09 GMT -5
WOW! I just happened to stumble across this forum through another site I was already on and the ILIASM tag caught my eye. I read through probably 2 maybe 3 posts and immediately decided this was the place I need to be. My story is similar in nature to just about all the stories I've seen so far. Prior to marriage the sex life was good, real good. 2 sometimes 4 sometimes everyday of the week for several weeks and months while dating. Then the proposal, engagement, then no sex for the year leading up to the wedding day. Wedding night was great and something should have tipped me off while on the honeymoon when we left for a Winter destination for two weeks only to have intimate contact three times. Why do I remember that, because that's really when it started. We were what I would consider a little more older in age when we decided to get married. Early 30's but at the time it was what we wanted. First few years there was an up and down cycle of maybe 2 times a month to maybe once every other month. Then it was maybe once every second or third month. Then finally it went to maybe once every six months to maybe one time the entire year. Five years in we conceived and are blessed with the most wonderful daughter in the world, as any parent would say. She is six now and since her arrival six year ago I have had sex with my wife a total of 4 times. I'm talking actual intercourse where my member is actually making contact and in her V. The last time was.....hmmmm.....let me check the expiration date on the box of condoms. Oh, wait, I forgot to tell you, yes, we cannot have any contact unless there is a condom. "Too afraid of an accident" excuse. Hey, I'm game, whatever it takes at this point.
So here we are 11 years into a marriage with our standard 1 child and absolutely no intimacy. One of her complaints to me in the bedroom is that I never just want to be close to her and anytime I get close all I want is sex. She'll ask me to rub her back and give her a massage. Great! Maybe I can warm her up and she'll remember what it feels like to be touched and then we can.......oh wait, she fell asleep. And the next day I get the "But your massage was just so relaxing I couldn't help but fall asleep" excuse. Time and time again I make an effort to initiate physical contact and it is met with excuse after excuse after excuse. I've asked her point blank if I am just no longer attractive or if the doing the act specifically with me turns her off to which both answers are no.
I'm at the point of giving up and seriously considering trying to find a therapist that specializes in getting men off. I think I starting to develop ED and I know for a fact I am a premature ejaculator. When I handle my own business, more times than not I'm not even full before I orgasm. Could be a number of things but even if I were to be lucky enough to have any sex let alone with my wife, I'd be so afraid of my own performance that I probably wouldn't be able to get it up and keep it up.
It hurts and occupies my thoughts most days at least for a few hours. Thanks for letting me rant and vent. I'm sure this will become a habit and I welcome any feedback, constructive criticism and advice from anyone of us out there who share similar experiences.
Oh yeah, before I forget there is one more thing I wanted to share and get off my chest. Prior to us getting married we dated for almost 7 years so it's not like things changed over night. It was sometime around the 5 year dating mark when one summer weekend she was out of town visiting her family in another state and I couldn't go with her so I stayed home. We stayed at her apartment......you following me.....HER apartment. So while she was out of town I took care of the apartment. Cleaned, did the laundry....normal chores. At the time I had just purchased a new TV and a replacement entertainment unit to replace her outdated busted pressure board old school push glass front door TV stand. Well while going through emptying out her TV unit I removed the VCR, Playstation, DVD player, DVD's, VHS movies..... And in the very back of the bottom shelf where all the VHS movies were kept was this one tape that had no label on it. You could see where the label used to be because there was remnants of the sticky glue used to adhere the label on the tape left where the label goes. Hmmmm, that's strange wonder what this is. No biggie, I'll just play it once I have everything is set back up. So, i get everything set up and pop the tape in. I'll rewind it so if it is something worth watching I catch it from the beginning. When the tape began I thought how cool. It was a home movie of my GF and her family at a Christmas dinner from when she was in college and she was visiting. I recognized most the people in the video, mom, dad, brother, a few cousins whom I had met....... I just let it play while I went about my business folding the laundry. It would skip and cut out to another home clip of another family event, at a football game, or theme park, or just wasting tape recording whatever. I thought the tape was over because there was a long break from the last clip to the next. What came on the screen put me in a state of shock. I immediately knew what I was about to see. First thing that comes into focus is a hand adjusting the camera so it focuses in on a bed, her bed. Then it just happened. He walks into the view of the camera, lays on the bed, pulls out his junk. She walks into view of the camera naked as a jay bird, climbs on the bed next to him and begins to perform oral like well she never has to me. I watched as she not only gave oral but welcomed it openly without hesitation. They did a few positions that I've never had the opportunity to and when he was ready to release she took it. Three separate clips of the similar activity all with the same guy. Of course all this happened prior to either of us knowing each other and well before we started dating. I tried not to watch it and at one point took the tape out and put it away but later that night I couldn't help myself. I wanted to know why, when, who. The next day she was coming home so there was no need to get into it over the phone so when she got home, neatly placed on the kitchen bar next to where she always put her purse and keys was the tape. I was in the bedroom just getting my shoes on going for a run. I heard her come in, she shouted from the front door, and by the time I made my way out to the living room she was already sitting on the couch holding the tape in her hands with her head down and tears in her eyes. She asked me if I had watched it, I said yes and went for my run. When I came back she had already had half a bottle of Chardonnay and opening a second with a glass poured for me so we could "talk" about what was on the tape. She went into this long drawn out story of college, smoking weed for the first time, experimenting with girls, having A sex (which was clearly seen on tape btw), giving oral, being very "inexperienced" and "curious" all at the same time but "immature and stupid" for making and keeping the tape. It was very awkward for a bit after that day. We talked, we cried, we made promises. She destroyed the tape that night. I wanted so bad for her to watch it and hear what I heard and see what I saw. I did and do forgive her for it even though she owes me no apology since it all took place prior to us knowing each other or knowing we would be together, married and raising a child. She tried to make up for it a few months later by setting up a camera and taping us having sex. She wouldn't show her face like she did on her tape, and she wouldn't go back and watch it with me. I destroyed it about a year later before we got married.
Sometimes I wish the person who I saw in her tape would just come out and relive those moments with me. It hurts. It hurts deep to know she was like that with someone once and it's not me.
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Post by baza on Apr 21, 2017 19:11:45 GMT -5
To cut to the chase Brother doneanddone , - - your missus at one time at least, had a pretty healthy sex drive - at one time, you were a part of that, to some limited extent But that was then, and this is now. Now, you are averaging 4 roots every 6 years, and it reads like there's nothing particularly memorable or wonderful about the quality. What does the rest of your deal look like ? Is "everything great bar the sex ?" Or, as seen in here much of the time, is your deal actually pretty dysfunctional, PLUS there is no sex ?
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Post by Black Eagle on Apr 22, 2017 20:09:03 GMT -5
Well let's face it we all miss the sex but there could be worse things and we all know that. I tend to look at this like losing one of your senses which one would you want to give up and if you did lose it u learn to live with. I would just like to know the Y. I has my partner given up on this part of our relationship- she says it's my fault but doesn't ever clarify what I did or what could be done - she's not a talker of serious issues😩. So we just don't deal with it and I keep coming up with different theories. I'm sure I'd play around if the opportunity presented itself but after 36 years of marriage and at 66 years old I just focus on being her partner, a good date, a good father and grandfather while trying to stay in shape and presentable to anyone looking at me. Friends, family, activities and life make up my world and my dreams and porn are my sex. Like I said earlier it could be worse and there's always the possibility that some hot datWeill come my way 😍 Until then I'm happy I found ILIASM👍🏿😀😘👍🏿
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