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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 10, 2017 19:49:55 GMT -5
Heat of the moment reactions. We all do it. say things we don't mean. I don't know your history, but you did give her the freedom to do what she wants. Maybe that's all she needed to remove guilt she may be harboring? I don't know - all of this is coming out of the air and taking a shot based solely on your post.
I hope things work in your favor.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 10, 2017 19:42:53 GMT -5
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 10, 2017 19:39:37 GMT -5
EO,
STOP putting yourself down.
LOVE YOURSELF LOVE who you ARE
CLEARLY all of us HERE LOVE YOU!
You now have an opportunity to get help through the domestic abuse support. Those organizations are private and you can maintain your privacy there. They will help you get out of a bad situation and help you get back on your feet.
Btw, asking for help is a sign of STRENGTH! I know you are STRONG! Your mum LOVES you and does NOT want you in this environment. You are a beautiful, loving and strong woman. Reach out and do it. Get the help you need. It's yours for the taking.
(((((HUGS)))))
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 10, 2017 18:56:40 GMT -5
Some of you may have seen - I started a website www.sexlessmarriage.support. I am being told in my online business class that I should avoid URL's with "sex" in them because of the spam that can show up on clients computers. I love the name because it spells out EXACTLY what I am trying to do. Provide support and professional resources to members of the forum. I've also purchased americansexperience.com, but again - sex in the URL seems to be an issue. You are the community I want to serve. What are your thoughts? Should I go with a more generic name? and if so, what? myintimatelifesucks.com? Or something more positive? supportingintimacy.com -- which is available. Tell me - when you are searching to find out if your sexlife is normal, what did you search for? I searched sexless marriage which led me to EP. What did you do?
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 10, 2017 12:32:20 GMT -5
Damn I need to blog about this. Can I quote you on my site? I won't use your user name... just refer to you as someone I was chatting with in an online forum. Would you mind? Not at all. Please drop a link here when you do; I'd love to read it. Thank you sweetie! I certainly will!
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 9, 2017 20:44:58 GMT -5
Thank you all ( deborahmanning , shamwow , jpn , eternaloptimism , dinnaken , baza , iceman , bballgirl , Apocrypha , greatcoastal , Copernicus , lyn , McRoomMate , Rhapsodee ) for your tremendous support! The group of people on here are wonderful. It is like going to an AA meeting only here it is a SM meeting. Only WE truly understand us and know when we need a shoulder and when we need a kick. I think its working. I'll keep coming back. RC *** UPDATE *** Today I talked to my son about the journal page. I started by telling him I don't know what exactly was in it because Mrs. Rex wouldn't show it to me and it was written over 20 years ago. I told him I believe that it was a page from a journal I wrote in that I happened to find one day while cleaning. I put it in my car to take to work to destroy it so that it wouldn't be seen by mistake. I never meant for Mrs. Rex to see it. I was 25 years old and angry and was just venting and it was harsh. I told him I am sorry that he and Mrs. Rex saw it. I asked if he had any questions. He had a lot of questions, and wanted to talk about the problems Mrs. Rex and I were having. I was very open with him and told him that this has gone on since before we were married. I told him about my self-esteem/image issues and abandonment issues from my childhood. How I blamed myself for Mrs. Rex and my issues and how I thought if I was just better at this or that, then everything would be better. I told him that I felt guilty for needing physical intimacy to feel loved and tried to suppress my need of it by working and going to college. I told him about how seven years ago I begged on my hands and knees crying to Mrs. Rex asking her to go to counseling with me and that she refused. I was honest and told him that Mrs. Rex and I are just different. That we speak two different love languages. I told him how I was stuck in this perpetual cycle on Maslow's Hierarchy because I could never get past the belonging and love need stage to the esteem stage because of this. My son completely understood and he said that his psychology class had spoken about getting stuck on a lower tier stage on Maslow's Hierarchy and not being able to get past it. He then told me that he has been dealing with the same issues of feeling guilty about needing physical intimacy to feel loved in his relationship with his girlfriend. He had his first sexual experience this past summer with a girl with very bad depression/bi-polar issues. It really messed him up. This girl would constantly put him down and say degrading things about him, but she also was his first sexual partner so he felt connected to her. It really messed up his head and has left him with psychological scars. He thanked me for telling him everything and told me it really helped him understand what he went through with this girl and what he was dealing with in his currently relationship. I told him to never feel guilty for wanting physical intimacy. I stressed that it isn't dirty or a bad thing and that there are women who have the same love language and same need that he and I do. I told him that he shouldn't try to suppress his needs so that he feels loved or he could end up just like me. He thanked me several times again and said it really helped. Then at the end he warmed my heart and said that he felt so much better knowing that he is more like me than he ever knew. We really connected today. I told him to come to me anytime he wanted to ask a question or just talk about it. I am always here for him. Maybe, just maybe I saved him from a future SM himself. Then we went to the mall and picked out his Tux for his upcoming prom. RC BEST UPDATE EVER!!!!!!! Love how you were able to bond with your son. I hope your frank discussion will go just as well with your daughter, although I fear she's been taught your wife's version of sex. Fuck I hope not. (((HUGS)))
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 9, 2017 20:07:36 GMT -5
I can't say enough about finding the right counselor. The right person will bring you out of your shell and back into the light. I'm taking special note of this, and that it stood out to me in another thread. I have a counselor that usually makes me feel worse. Perhaps I'm just a master of projection and it's not his fault, but my heart tells me I shouldn't be feeling that way about my counselor. It's scary to admit this, because now you all know that I should do something about it. Sometimes I think the same dynamics that kept me in my SM keep me in other bad relationships. Oh yes! You need to find the right person. When you hear it all stems from childhood - it's true, most of it did. As we grow and we learn our values from our parents, our peers, and our experiences, be they forced on us, or willingly accepted, something happened that's holding you back. The right counselor/therapist will help you dig deep and find the source. I read a GREAT book called "Having Sex, Wanting intimacy, Why women stay in one sided relationships". Granted it's aimed at women, but perhaps you can find something out there that addresses men and similar issues. Meditation and hypnosis are great tools as well. As I went through my counseling post-rape, I went to a therapist who is also licensed in hypnosis. She's freaking AMAZING and now hubs is seeing her. There are tons of meditation videos on youtube. Listen to a few if you can. Close your eyes, relax and let the words sink into your mind. Having someone speak to your self conscious to release blocks that have existed for decades awakens you to what s truly going on deep inside, and once you KNOW, you can manage them. I have Daddy issues. I know that. I love the attention I receive from men, and I'm okay with that. Recognizing your traits, feelings, triggers... It all reflects back to your self esteem and it's important to know you don't have to change them unless you WANT to. I recognize some of my daddy issues - such as, I would change my interests to "his" interests just to keep him around. My dad wasn't around, but I guess the psychology involved there is classic abandonment issues. Then I married a man who abandoned me physically and emotionally. In essence, I really did marry my father. Hubs and I have an open marriage ad when I started dating, I was able to recognize the unhealthy behaviors - the behaviors I wanted to change. Now I have a BF that is supportive, and attentive. I live as I want to. My kids come first, and I am doing my best to make sure they do not have these similar abandonment issues with their own father. Damn I need to blog about this. Can I quote you on my site? I won't use your user name... just refer to you as someone I was chatting with in an online forum. Would you mind?
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 9, 2017 14:09:33 GMT -5
dirtdigger how are you doing? You seemed to disappear not long after a couple of posts. I hope you are okay and finding the solace ad support you are looking for.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 9, 2017 13:47:05 GMT -5
Can you tell me why?
This links to www.sexlessmarriage.support, if you can tell your story there, it might help others who have yet to find this forum. It saddens me to se there are still so many struggling in through sexless life. We're all looking for the same thing - CONNECTION. We gain that through intimacy and SEX. I just hate to see so much suffering.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 9, 2017 13:35:39 GMT -5
Oh my goodness. You need to love yourself. Take yourself out to dinner! For a beer! Get OUT! Go shoot a bucket of balls at the driving range or hang out in a bar for a couple of hours with the regulars. At the very least, you'll find a friendly bartender to talk too.
Most importantly, love yourself. It's the best thing for you. It's the best thing for your kids too! I can't say enough about finding the right counselor. The right person will bring you out of your shell and back into the light. You sound depressed, and that's nothing to be taken lightly.
(((HUGS)))
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 9, 2017 13:30:37 GMT -5
I know. She was very frank, and wanted to help. I am glad she found her way out of her miserable relationship and found her way to fulfillment.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 9, 2017 10:10:23 GMT -5
eternaloptimism I completely agree with @dan and @geekgoodess. He raped you. I was raped last fall and felt all the shame of it the following day - and I was drunk off my ass. Filed a police report, saw an attorney, and got nothing out of it. I have also been in one on one therapy since 2014. you can see a couple of my EP posts on my website :https://sexlessmarriage.support/category/flashback-friday/ I plan to post regularly my journey from 2014, 2015 and beyond. I am seeing my counselor and also a psychiatrist for medication. My experience has been great with medication. I was coming across bitchy as hell when I wasn't on one of them and I realize that now. I would say something and i my head sounded perfectly normal, but my tone apparently rang a much different tune to those around me. My "highs" are still great too! I've started my website and I am enjoying life. Orgasms are still amazing and I've learned I am a provocative and nurturing woman. Now - figuring out meds is difficult. It can take a while so please be open to experimenting with your doc's to find the right combination. Sorry to hear about the worry workshop. I kinda wish you shocked them with your story of picking up your drunk and coked out man to make sure he came home safe, only to have him rape you, after refusing to be intimate in xx months/years. That turns it into a REAL workshop on worrying, and not some bs that these ladies need therapy for to figure out why they have these feelings. It's more about them than their spouses. One on one I believe will serve you best. Find the right person - and be picky. I got lucky and clicked with my therapist right away, but if you don't feel like you are getting what you need - MOVE ON! May take a couple of sessions, but don't waste months with someone who isn't helping you. My therapist is awesome. I talk, and she gives her opinion or says "I want you to think about this". There were no ah-ha moments in the session - but the next day and over the course of the next week, it all came out. I would write to her what I realized/discovered and she would respond with guidance if necessary or the needed push to move forward. Finding the right person for you is so important. If you can start that search now, before your worry workshop is over, might be helpful. I'm new here (a 2014-2016 EP vet) so I'm nt sure where you live or what type of health care system you have, but never stop looking to take care of yourself. I'm so proud of you for taking this step!!!! I am soooo sorry it took so long to get you into the workshop, and I hope things move faster in helping you find a one on one therapist. (((HUGS))) P.S. - this is EXACTLY the kind of situation I want on my website. I want to bring in professionals that can help you and others living in this situation. I want to do a Q&A session, and I may ask my therapist if we can do it sooner rather than later. Everyone here deserves to feel loved, admired, and desired! xoxoxoxo!
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 8, 2017 6:12:11 GMT -5
Thank you SD!
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 7, 2017 21:24:06 GMT -5
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Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 7, 2017 21:19:00 GMT -5
Hi everyone! I've started a website dedicated to supporting our community. I welcome you to join now for full lifetime access and to help build the community. What will be different than ILIASM.org? As for the social aspect, I expect it to be much the same. There will be upgrades in content. Once I have the ability to charge new members the income generated will allow me to bring content from professionals into out community. I expect this will be guest blog posts, Q&A sessions, webinars, and other surprises just for us. From professional counselors (my personal counselor has offered to contribute), sex therapists, "sexologists", Sex-positive bloggers, mediators and lawyers, and anyone else you suggest that I can reach out to. Imagine if we had a access to these professional and we could ask our most pressing questions? There are many articles, video and other media out there aimed at the general public. Well, we aren't GENERAL. We are professional survivors. For us, this isn't a bump in the road. It's a life full of rejection, destruction of ego, and losing who we truly are. We deserve more. I want to GIVE it to you! C'mon over and join me, help me build our community, and hopefully someday soon I can start offering you content you can't find anywhere else! Love, NotLovingIt aka Venus Erotes www.SexlessMarriage.support
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