|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 22, 2017 16:57:28 GMT -5
I say the same. He's a wonderful man. He's so good to me. Blah, Blah, Blah. I was also speaking from a place where I wasn't "me", I just didn't know it. I had to do the hard work of figuring me out, and I'm still learning about myself, where my values are, and the true differences between him and I. I had/have a lot of psychological "daddy" issues. I had crappy relationships and then came along this wonderful, all-knowing, supportive man. I married the man I wish was my father, and as time marched on, I learned I married my father. A man who wished he could give me everything I needed, but couldn't. He over compensates with the laundry, the dishes, the groceries, etc. Intimacy - I never had a familial kind of intimacy with my father, and I've never had romantic, spousal intimacy with my husband. Instead we had crappy, awkward sex. If you haven't sought counseling, I suggest you start to look into it. You'll learn why sex is important to you (as it is for the majority of the human race), as well as why you picked this man as your husband who does not have the same sexual desire. We were together for 18 years until I finally realized I wasn't me. It took an attractive man hitting on me to finally make me feel attractive, beautiful, and desired. It's amazing what we put ourselves through. The denial can run deep. Wow, you've given me a lot to think about. I think the reason I chose him was that he was the opposite of everyone I had ever dated. He treated me well and I could see the love in his eyes. I had previously dated men who didn't respect my sexual boundaries, didn't stop when I said stop. In a way it was a relief to meet someone else who had issues in bed and I honestly thought we would work on our issues together and build a beautiful intimacy over time. In the beginning we were working towards that goal but it was an uphill battle and without me pushing for each step it fell apart. Can't I have someone who respects my limits and still desires me? It seems an impossible dream. I will make that call for counseling. I suggested it to him and he seemed reluctant but willing to go. I will make a couples appointment and if he doesn't want to go inthe end I will go alone. It's really amazing when you dig. I learned, and continue to learn so much about myself. I have a wonderful friend and father of my children in my husband. I do not have a marriage. We had what I thought was marriage, but learned marriage is what you make of it, not what society has taught us it should be. I look at my husband and his family and it is quite literally an episode from Leave it to Beaver. I was thinking today how society, at least here in America, how we are hyper-sensitive and ridiculously politically correct. I wonder how much mental damage we've done to ourselves, to our children over the last couple of hundred years. each generation growing, but that growth is retarded by society and how our elders were raised and how they taught us. okay, I think I am done. appleaday if you want to read my story, I am publishing my original posts on my blog. www.sexlessmarriage.support under the menu Flashback Friday. I'm posting FF every other week, but I am wondering if I should post them weekly, or combine them into a downloadable e-book. I dunno. It's been interesting to look back and see where my head was - how fucked up my thinking really was - and how far I have grown.
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 22, 2017 16:01:54 GMT -5
bballgirl, I did ask him very recently and he had no answer. It works when he is alone watching porn, but not when he is with me. He says he doesn't k ow why and then just started putting himself down saying he was broken and things like that. But he didn't say what made him broken. Since then he has started jogging daily and made an effort to hold hands, kiss, and cuddle. All those things had stopped when I stopped initiating them a couple years ago. I'm trying to work up the courage to start counseling but it scares the hell out of me. I took the first step which is getting a referral but still haven't made the call. MAKE THE CALL! It will be the best decision of your life! Good luck
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 22, 2017 16:00:38 GMT -5
Maybe this is a weird question, i don't know. But I have been on here reading and following posts for 2-3 weeks now and I see the phrase SM shithole thrown around a lot. Many of the stories I have read on here show that many marriages are plagued with issues outside of lack of intimacy, such as a controlling or abusive spouse. But what if that isn't the case? What if your spouse is loving and giving but unable (or unwilling) to be intimate? My husband is wonderful in so many ways and I feel guilty being in here, but truth be told there is just something missing. He is supportive of my hobbies and endeavors, we enjoy spending time together (most of the time lol), and he is a wonderful dad. He cooks, he cleans, he fixes things, and he puts up with my crazy family. I recently lost my sister and I spend a lot of time and money now helping to raise and look after her kids. He never complains and is even close with my nephew. Teaches him how to use tools, talks to him about issues at school or with his dad. I think it's amazing. And he takes good care of me when I am sick, all without complaint. The problem is he doesn't want to, or can't, be intimate with me, and I don't know which or why. Whenever we tried in the past he could not get "excited" and he isn't into learning how to please me in other ways. I tried so many things and even toys. He tried but I could tell it wasn't the least bit interesting to him. Again, he is so wonderful otherwise that I just feel guilty for wanting more. And now I am finding it hard to be sexually attracted to him. Even kissing feels weird and turns me off. What a mess! Thanks for reading if you made it this far lol. I say the same. He's a wonderful man. He's so good to me. Blah, Blah, Blah. I was also speaking from a place where I wasn't "me", I just didn't know it. I had to do the hard work of figuring me out, and I'm still learning about myself, where my values are, and the true differences between him and I. I had/have a lot of psychological "daddy" issues. I had crappy relationships and then came along this wonderful, all-knowing, supportive man. I married the man I wish was my father, and as time marched on, I learned I married my father. A man who wished he could give me everything I needed, but couldn't. He over compensates with the laundry, the dishes, the groceries, etc. Intimacy - I never had a familial kind of intimacy with my father, and I've never had romantic, spousal intimacy with my husband. Instead we had crappy, awkward sex. If you haven't sought counseling, I suggest you start to look into it. You'll learn why sex is important to you (as it is for the majority of the human race), as well as why you picked this man as your husband who does not have the same sexual desire. We were together for 18 years until I finally realized I wasn't me. It took an attractive man hitting on me to finally make me feel attractive, beautiful, and desired. It's amazing what we put ourselves through. The denial can run deep.
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 22, 2017 10:33:44 GMT -5
Started out a very unhealthy, co-dependent #1, grew to a similarly unhealthy #2. Now we are friends
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 21, 2017 19:49:38 GMT -5
Another Flashback Friday post is up! This one is from Nov. 23, 2014. Do you think you made an appearance in this post? Some of you commented on my past posts. I'm not sure anyone on here responded on the one posted today. sexlessmarriage.support/category/flashback-friday/
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 19, 2017 18:19:04 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 19, 2017 17:15:45 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 17, 2017 17:32:18 GMT -5
Yes, it's official, I am officially "issue-free" when it comes to his ex. As expected it was us, her and her man and the kids at this party. We sit at opposite ends of the table with the kids filling the middle, and we small talk and smile and laugh. Her man always hugs me hello but my husband and her do not hug and I do not hug her either. I never told my husband he couldn't, they just don't. Easy - breezy. Shouldn't have to see her now again until Grandbaby #4 is born at the end of July and the baby meet/greet/shower that will follow. Then not again until January. Truly, when I read all the issues out there on those step parent boards, we have it made and we are all sane, apparently. lol Yeah, there was issues in my mind/heart but I honestly never ever let them show except to talk through things with my husband. Some step-situations are so ugly. So -- color me lucky!! I am glad I really worked THROUGH it all because now there is nothing. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!! So Happy for you!
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 16, 2017 20:08:30 GMT -5
There is a film about a sexual surrogate who helps a man with polio - "The Sessions." Helen Hunt plays the surrogate, and she was nominated for a supporting actress Oscar for her part. The surrogate works on intimacy issues before working up to actual sex. She gets her client used to touching a woman then works to build up trust. The problem is that there are not a lot of them around. I did a quick google search and found only one who practices in Florida. However, I have been with a Tantrika, someone trained in tantra sex. It was unforgettable! I went to see this movie and was pleasantly surprised by how good I found it. Helen Hunt had one hell of an understanding husband. One possible caveat to keep on mind ...when she was riding the guys face she got a little too into it and near suffocated her client. BF would say "What a way to go!"
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 16, 2017 20:07:26 GMT -5
There is a film about a sexual surrogate who helps a man with polio - "The Sessions." Helen Hunt plays the surrogate, and she was nominated for a supporting actress Oscar for her part. The surrogate works on intimacy issues before working up to actual sex. She gets her client used to touching a woman then works to build up trust. The problem is that there are not a lot of them around. I did a quick google search and found only one who practices in Florida. However, I have been with a Tantrika, someone trained in tantra sex. It was unforgettable! Okay, I wanna hear more about this.... :-D
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 14, 2017 20:23:54 GMT -5
Hi All, I have been reading for a few weeks here and working up the courage to post. Married 24 years. Some small bit of intimacy prior to marriage, but we were in the process of converting to Catholicism and so my soon to be husband wanted to "stop" intimacy and wait until after the wedding. Things were not great, at least sexually, prior to the wedding and his decision to stop all intimacy until we were married, but I wrote it off as a moral qualm. I truly believed that once we were married, that issue would disappear and we would embark on a wonderful journey together. I could not have been more wrong. He refused all intimacy on our honeymoon and made me feel as though I was ruining a perfect trip by arguing about sex. I was so hurt and confused and thought there was something wrong with me. I spent countless years trying not to pressure him, trying to look good, trying to get him to desire me as a husband should. Nothing worked. We were intimate about twice a month (I always initiated) for a couple of years and that was workable for me, if not ideal. Unfortunately, as the years passed, that dwindled to monthly, then every few months, and then ED issues surfaced about ten years into the marriage, which made an awkward and difficult situation even worse. We did have four children (Catholic - no birth control - conceived on the first try each time) and two of them are now in college. We have not been intimate since 2010 and have not shared a bed in three years. In 2012 we took a 20th anniversary cruise and he became angry at my advances one evening. A sunset evening with no children in the mediterranean didn't seem like a good time for intimacy and, again, he said I was spoiling a beautiful time. It was very hurtful and I think it was then that I knew it wasn't me, but was him, and that I could not continue living in this manner. It was so depressing, isolating and embarrassing that I never confided in anyone. In 2011, he said he was having flashbacks about sexual abuse as a child from his single mother. I was hopeful that at least this was an explanation for what had been going on in our marriage and figured that with therapy things would improve and we would stand a chance of fixing this situation. He stopped therapy after a couple of months because it was too stressful. I found another therapist and he also stopped seeing him after a couple of months. He moved to the guest room permanently in 2014 and shortly after that, I finally had an affair (outsourced as you say here). This went on for a couple of years and until it was discovered by him. Since the discovery, we have been in individual counseling as well as couples counseling. He has said that he does not think he will ever get to where I "want/need" him to be in this area. He will not agree to an open marriage (and the marriage is good insofar as we are incredible friends). This is very hard because none of this is his fault - what happened to him as a child was horrific. He wants me to decide whether to stay in the marriage or not -and he wants me to decide very soon. How can I make such a decision when I have no idea if he will ever want a normal, happy, healthy sexual relationship? How can I leave him when he is not simply a "refuser?" I have been a stay at home mom most of these years (some part time work). I would be leaving a good man, financial security and hurting my kids all to chase my own happiness - which may be elusive at best. My AP is married and may or may not ever leave his own sexless marriage (we have known each other since we were kids) when his own nest is empty. I would like to stay in my marriage until my kids leave home and still see AP. That is not an option for me. I am, literally, a ball of confusion. What is the right thing to do for my kids, my husband and for me? How do you weigh these things when the "refuser" wants to be sexual but cannot do so due to past trauma? Do you leave and risk being alone (versus alone in the marriage). I am sad. It seems all options lead to so much pain and unhappiness. Thank you if you have read this far. I feel truly awful for being so selfish. I welcome any and all advice. I am you. You are me. My hubs was sexually abused by a camp counselor. I know more about the adult effects of child sexual abuse than I ever thought possible. Bottom line - he's broken. His abuser broke how he view sex. Like my husband he is hypo-sexual. Some go the other direction into hyper-sexual. There is a great support site for us - it's called supportforpartners. I don't remember if it's .com or .org. GO there. You will learn SO much in a very brief period of time. There are several common denominators with these children. 1. they are emotionally the age they were when they were abused. I married a 12 yo. As proof - I currently have a poster of deadpool above my bed. His response when I asked him to remove it- "It's on my side." <<eye roll>> 2. they are control freaks. My children and I walked on eggshells for years because he would fly off the handle at little things. A "BIG mess" to him constituted 2 pieces of paper and a pencil on the floor. 3. Their brains have been re-wired from the abuse. While you and I feel a rush of oxytocin from touch, my hubs is repulsed by touch. That wiring was broken by the abuser. 4. They learned to be loved is to be hurt. It's heartbreaking. 5. They are master manipulators. They were trained by their abuser in manipulation tactics and that's how they have learned to survive through adult life. He blamed you for ruining a vacation because you wanted to have sex. He's rejected a beautiful woman, that he claims to love, but doesn't show it, and life is all about him. He can't see beyond himself. That's as far as I will go for now. Ask him to continue seeking counseling. Continue to support him, but make sure he know's he can't control you anymore. Get yourself into counseling too if you haven't already (I think you are f I remember correctly). It's important for you to learn to love yourself and figure out why you married him to begin with. My reasons were for security & financial stability (thanks to my mother) and serious daddy/abandonment issues. In essence, I married my father - someone who was emotionally unavailable, because everything in life was about him.
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 14, 2017 20:08:08 GMT -5
flashjohn - this is precisely what happened to me on my honeymoon. Zero sex. Nothing. That was 24 years ago and the memory still brings deep pain. I can vividly remember my husband telling me that I was "ruining a beautiful trip" by "arguing" about sex. I was scared, devastated, and ashamed and had no idea what to DO. Unfortunately, I also loved him and so I stayed - in essence doing nothing. Of course, the sex issue never left the marriage. It's amazing how convenient not using birth control because he is a serious Catholic could be for him...though we did manage to have four children (each one time hits - but I digress). There was something in your entry that just resonated with me. At the time, I felt to petty. Now, I know that I should have left him. Since my initial post about five weeks ago, I have asked for a divorce. We have had the first of six mediation sessions and the pleadings have been filed. This is really happening. I alternate between a bit of excitement that my time to worry about this and him is ending and complete fear that my time to have to worry about this and him is ending. I will take a fairly large financial hit and will have to go to work full time. We work at the same Catholic parish and I fear what people will say/do/think. We tell our kids in mid-May and that keeps me up most nights (two kids at home in high school and two in college). I worry that the kids will blame me for leaving their dad (who has in the past several years remembered childhood sexual abuse to which he attributes his lack of interest in sex). He is also in therapy for lifelong depression and they do know this about the situation. I would love to tell them someday about how I was "tricked" in my marriage - how their dad knew he didn't like sex but married me anyway and robbing me of the full CHOICE. We are trying to come up with a nesting agreement so I can remain under the same roof until I have some solid financial footing - which is very decent of him. This whole process is heart-wrenching. Few people have had refusal begin on the honeymoon (some here have - I know). Less than four people in my life even know of my situation as it is difficult to discuss. It is embarrassing as a woman to not be desired, especially when so many women complain about their husbands never leaving them alone. That just incenses me. I feel so sorry for the husbands. At any rate, thank you for your blog and the recent entry. I look forward to reading from the beginning now that I know it exists. I also have to say that it was AFTER finding this forum and posting and asking for help that I found the courage to ask for a divorce. I haven't posted much on here as I don't share too easily, but reading from others has quite literally changed my life. Thank you for your ability to share publicly with your blog. You likely touch FAR more people than you realize. I still need to read flashjohn's post, but before I do... ballofconfusion I completely here you. and I said the EXACT SAME THING. I just thought he was a really good catholic and that was why he withheld. I spent years trying to seduce him, only to be met with "oh honey, not tonight" or "I'm really tired" or whatever excuse was next on his menu. I just read your first post - I am responding to it now. You're not alone. I am living the same life. A second-hand survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 14, 2017 19:12:57 GMT -5
OMG.
You've got a great head on your shoulders and it sounds like you've planned to keep yourself together. LAWYER UP!
If you don't have your own personal counselor, you might want to get one. You're headed down a crazy path since she is so deep in denial. Once she realizes you mean business, i have a hunch she's going to get nasty. The counselor can help you with that - an attorney won't. Of course we are always here for you, but it's not the same as being able to unload live in front of someone who is paid to listen and give safe, sage advice.
Stash as much $$ away as you can! Hell, open up a trust in your dog's name, or get a safe and stash cash. I have a friend who keeps cash locked away from his wife in his gun safe, and she does not have the combination. He continues to live in hell....
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 14, 2017 18:59:55 GMT -5
The chart goes both ways. I showed this to my FWB 2 weeks ago and asked him to rate me he said 7 hot 6 crazy - the fun zone. BF called me a unicorn!
|
|
|
Post by Venus Erotes on Apr 14, 2017 18:37:31 GMT -5
For the scientifically inclined... here's a plot for ya: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Love it!
|
|