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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 5, 2018 16:56:23 GMT -5
All:
I'm not sure you are aware of this and it sounds like there are a lot of people on the fence about whether to stay in a SM or go, so I wanted to make sure you are aware of this big change with regard to alimony. Currently in the US, alimony (not child support) is deductible for tax purposes for the ex-spouse who pays it and includible in the gross income of the ex-spouse who receives it. With the new Tax Cuts and Jobs Act which passed at the end of December, 2017, the tax treatment of alimony completely changes after December 31, 2018. Now, for any divorce or separate maintenance agreements executed after December 31, 2018 or executed before that date and later modified after it, the alimony payments are not deductible by the payer or includible in the income of the recipient. This is HUGE if you are in an alimony scenario now and you subsequently modify the agreement after December, 2018 or you are in the divorce process now or contemplating it in the future.
Just wanted to let you all know about this big change. It may start your clock ticking a little faster depending on what end of the alimony scenario you are on.
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 5, 2018 16:47:26 GMT -5
I do still have fun with my wife, just not always the kind of fun that I am in the mood for. She likes for us to get together with other couples a lot, which I don't necessarily mind. However, I'd prefer we get together with each other in the bedroom....... We recently got back from a trip out west with the kids. It was a fun time, but the car ride out and back was very quiet. She spent most of it with headphones on listening to books, while I drove the entire way out and back. If we spoke for more than an hour (cumulative total) during the entire drive out and back (almost 40 hours of driving), I would be surprised.
I find myself asking a different question and will ask you all the same - Do you spend more time thinking about what your spouse is, or more time about what he/she isn't?
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 5, 2018 16:30:19 GMT -5
To me, "date night" is so contrived for married people. One of the main reasons I got married was to avoid dating! LOL. I mean, seriously, I get the concept of date night, but it just seems weird when you've been married for 20 years or so to call it that. FWIW: I think "date night" is not for married people... it is for married people with kids. "Get out of the house, spend some time with each other; talking about the kids and household to-do lists is strictly off limits." Those were pretty much the exact instructions of our marital therapist. Did your marital therapy work?
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 5, 2018 16:28:31 GMT -5
But I'm so over "date night". There are so many things I have wanted to do together like cook together, listen to podcasts together, play music together, maybe go volunteer for Habitat for Humanity together, go out dancing or take a class... but they just haven't transpired, even with years of gentle cajoling, and the occasional outright begging. So the closeness it could have brought, likewise, didn't materialize. To me, "date night" is so contrived for married people. One of the main reasons I got married was to avoid dating! LOL. I mean, seriously, I get the concept of date night, but it just seems weird when you've been married for 20 years or so to call it that. Well, we could call it "We're going out to dinner or (insert activity here), but I'm still not getting laid by my wife night", but that doesn't have quite the politically correct ring to it.
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 2, 2018 20:04:40 GMT -5
I suggested scheduling a weekly rendezvous to my wife because we have three kids and busy schedules and everything gets in the way. She refused claiming I was forcing her to have sex by scheduling it. We have been in marital counseling for seven months since then and still no sex. I am putting the odds at 50/50 that we never have sex again but have vowed to stick it out awhile longer for my kids if nothing else. What I am going to do about that is the million dollar question. Stay for my kids and my financial future, go to find another shot at happiness with someone else and a fulfilling sex life I've always dreamed and fantasized about.......TBD
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 2, 2018 19:51:35 GMT -5
Outstanding! Good for you man!
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 2, 2018 19:44:34 GMT -5
Or another thought - she's testing you to see if you will actually go through with it. Your story sort of reminds me of another story I read somewhere though it had a bit of a spin to it. The husband and wife both agreed that it was OK to venture outside the marriage for sex. MANY years later (I think it was 20+ years), the husband disclosed to his wife that he'd felt guilty all along about ever using the "free pass" so he never did even though he had permission to do so from his wife. The wife, on the other hand, and much to the husband's shock, disclosed that over the past two decades, she'd used it frequently by sleeping with other men. Talk about an awkward conversation. Apparently they did stay together, but holy cow does that guy have some lost time to make up.
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 2, 2018 19:31:06 GMT -5
Anyone try The League? I've read some about it, but being married, I am not going down that path unless the counseling doesn't work and I end up single at some point.
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 2, 2018 19:16:27 GMT -5
Your friend and her new boyfriend are very happy, in love (or headed that way), and they are having sex. In part: they are having sex because they are in love and happy, and in other part they are in love and happy because they are having sex.
We -- by way of contrast -- are in a strained marriage, and we are not having sex. In part: we are not having sex because our marriage is so strained, and in other part our marriage is strained because we are not having sex.
I have tried to explain this to my wife many times. We "aren't emotionally connected" according to her. According to her "She needs emotional intimacy to have physical intimacy", but has been rejecting me for at least five years and wonders why I am not emotionally connected with her. Um...I'm a guy, do I really need to explain it to you? Ironically, we have been together since 1995. She wanted to have sex on our first date and I said no. I'm not sure how much "emotional intimacy" you create on a first date, but apparently more than 23 years of being together and three wonderful children later because she would have slept with me then, but not now. February 24th will mark the one year of no sex "anniversary" for us - nothing other than a quick kiss on the lips or cheek from her. To her, not having any sort of sex or intimate physical contact with your spouse in a year is perfectly normal when you are going through marital issues and she scoffed in a "what sort of planet are you from?" way when I told her married couples have sex once a week on average. I think she thinks a few times a year would be acceptable, even in a good marriage.
We've been in marriage counseling for seven months now, and while it may have helped us verbalize how we ended up here, it isn't doing much to restart any intimacy and quite honestly there are days where I think "WTF am I doing? I deserve to be happy and with someone who is comfortable with their sexuality and intimacy and enjoys having sex!" but then I reel it all in and realize that if nothing else, I am staying and trying to make it work for my kids.
Other than in counseling, we really don't talk to each other unless we are talking about our kids, etc. as she appears to have too much going on in her life to have time to talk to me. Ironically, if my wife and I had sex one time, it would do more for me wanting to work it out with her than seven months of marital counseling have done. It would tell me my wife cares enough to make an effort, even if means having sex. However, I am apparently inconsiderate for even asking. She finds time to be there for everyone else but me seemingly. We did have two rather significant blow ups when I was trying to talk to her about my sexual "needs" and she yelled "Fine, you want to go upstairs right now and have sex?" Stupid me should have said Yes, but I would have paid for it later ten times over. It just isn't worth it. I don't necessarily have a timeline in my head of when I would be willing to say enough it enough, but I kinda feel that if we aren't back into a sexual relationship by the end of summer, I need to start planning to get out and move on with my life. It sucks when an attractive woman smiles at me, I don't notice a ring on her finger, and I can't at least strike up a conversation to get to know her. I'm married I keep having to tell myself, but I sure don't feel like I have a partner in my life. Most of the time I just feel alone - both at work and at home. It sucks!
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 17, 2017 17:20:47 GMT -5
Many women erroneously think they need to be in the mood to enjoy sex. Truth is that many women get in the mood by engaging in sex. Has happened a lot with me. Also, men can easily look down and tell they are aroused. Women can't and thus can be out of touch with their own urges. Very true. I can remember several times where my wife has said "I am really not in mood, but if you can put me in the mood......" Within a few minutes of my magic hands or other things in my bag of tricks, she's good to go. Not once in those moments have I ever failed to put her in the mood. Sadly, she hasn't given me the opportunity in months.
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 17, 2017 15:52:46 GMT -5
Frankly, a lot of those don't. As she would say "You're a guy. You are always in the mood". Pretty much true.
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 17, 2017 14:04:47 GMT -5
I still in my core wonder how much of the cause of our sexless marriage is because of her being pulled in so many different directions as a mom, how much of it is an outright lack of desire for sex (whether she's tired, stressed, etc.), how much of it is a lack of desire of sex with me and how much of it is other emotional issues on her end that she is dealing with. I do so get tired of the various excuses, reasons and rejections though. I try not to let it make me angry, but it does get frustrating as well. I would think if it was important to her to have a loving, physical relationship with me, she would make as much effort toward that as she does with other things in her life.
That being said, I'm a patient guy and am not going to focus heavily on "why chasing". I'll do the work on my end to be there for my kids and my wife and connect as emotionally as possible. I've always been there physically when she's wanted sex and focused on making it enjoyable for her first. If the situation doesn't resolve and in the end we go our separate ways, I know that I've done all I can do on my end and stuck with it a lot longer than a lot of people would have, for the sake of my kids if nothing else. While it will be a very sad day if it comes to that, having an enjoyable, adventurous and rewarding sex life again with a beautiful woman who is out there somewhere right now will be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 15, 2017 20:38:08 GMT -5
Good luck. Sounds like things are rolling along.
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 15, 2017 20:15:10 GMT -5
Just curious for those of you that have "gotten out", how long did you go before you hooked up with someone else and how was it? By "hooked up" I mean got laid, not started another serious relationship.
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 12, 2017 8:57:28 GMT -5
True but I am in a 22 year marriage with 3 children and despite a shitty sex life, I still love my wife and my children very much. A divorce would likely cost me seven figures. So, I stay away from the temptation of the fine young things. Make no mistake. If I end up divorced I will definitely be checking out all the new fangled dating technology. However I will exhaust all efforts at saving my marriage first.
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