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Post by manman on Feb 2, 2018 0:05:46 GMT -5
Why most people hesitate to apply pressure to their partner refusers?
over the years I found out the pressure is the only thing that works
some people say - they counter refuse - you should never do it some people want their partner initiate - you will wait forever some doesn't accept starfish - why not? in what world you expect your refuser to be enthusiastic waiting for anuversary or Valetine - stupidest idea ever many people doing counceling - that's a BS. forget about it. waste of time
but it must be structured pressure - you must put it onto calendar and decide how often you do it - once a week, twice a week etc. and choose days it shouldnt be sex right away - you could just spend time naked and cuddle or shower together- but you definetely must be naked from the first day- although straight path to sex relatively qucikly should be outlined
the most beatiful thing about this - although it's a long term pressure - it removes short term pressure and need to initiate. both of you know there are particular days and times you must be there for each other it must be like a job - miss it and you're fired. You must put it blatanly before your partner if your partner refuse - you have nothing to talk about and you're free and do whatever you want - divorce or move to a spare room, stop talking - whatever
now how many of you did it? if not why? I don't see any reason why you havent' done it yet if you suffer in sexless marriage
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Post by hopingforachange on Feb 2, 2018 0:14:47 GMT -5
Pressuring like that doesn't provide the emotional intimacy and the feeling of being wanted by our partner. Some of us have partners that would check the box to what you're suggesting but that's not what I want.
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Post by manman on Feb 2, 2018 0:18:57 GMT -5
Pressuring like that doesn't provide the emotional intimacy and the feeling of being wanted by our partner. Some of us have partners that would check the box to what you're suggesting but that's not what I want. yeah, that a big mistake intimacy and being wanted can not be expected out of nothing, you must work on it you must spend time together - even force yourself into it and the method above is the best shot give it a year and then reevaluate or continue to suffer without hope
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 2, 2018 0:24:52 GMT -5
I could explain all the things I have done to apply pressure, but we should also consider the successful results. If you have to beg, cajole, coerce your spouse to have sex, will that really be the kind of sex you want?
I have tracked frequency on the family calendar with marks that she was the only other person that knew what they meant. This was effective and frustrating to her.
Two Decembers ago, a female friend of mine sent me a very nice Christmas card, which caused my wife to beg me not to give up on her. Of course, as soon as the threat was gone, so was her sex drive.
A failed Tinder hookup she found out about resulted in hysterical bonding sex.
Explaining that I wanted an open marriage resulted in reset sex.
Of course, it never lasted. The drive was not because I was desired. I never felt desired. I was a chore. No matter how much reset sex I could have, it would never be what I really wanted.
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Post by baza on Feb 2, 2018 0:32:17 GMT -5
Q - "Why most people hesitate to apply pressure to their partner refusers?"
A - Because they fear that the outcome might be to collapse their primary relationship, and that is not a risk they are - at this time - prepared to run.
Now longer term, the collapse of the primary relationship could be a great result, in as much as it ends the dysfunctional deal and allows both parties to move on...but in the moment, this moment, right now, it looks like a shithouse prospect for which you are unprepared, uninformed, and unwilling to even contemplate.
But there is one thing you can take to the bank... If you are not prepared to go "all in" and put the marriage on the line then you have no hope of fixing whatever ails it, nor any hope of ending it. You have no hope of resolving it.
That bitter truth takes a long time to recognise, and even longer to accept. Longer still to act on. Longer again to see through to resolution - whatever that may end up being. It is a hugely intimidating prospect for anyone in our common situations.
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Post by manman on Feb 2, 2018 0:38:47 GMT -5
I could explain all the things I have done to apply pressure, but we should also consider the successful results. If you have to beg, cajole, coerce your spouse to have sex, will that really be the kind of sex you want? I have tracked frequency on the family calendar with marks that she was the only other person that knew what they meant. This was effective and frustrating to her. Two Decembers ago, a female friend of mine sent me a very nice Christmas card, which caused my wife to beg me not to give up on her. Of course, as soon as the threat was gone, so was her sex drive. A failed Tinder hookup she found out about resulted in hysterical bonding sex. Explaining that I wanted an open marriage resulted in reset sex. Of course, it never lasted. The drive was not because I was desired. I never felt desired. I was a chore. No matter how much reset sex I could have, it would never be what I really wanted. I know what you're talking about but this thing is different you don't mark it after the fact - you agree when you meet before - once and for all and that's it you never beg again - you just never need to talk about it - you meet and do it you have straight talk - we meet every tuesday 10 pm indefinetely till the day we die or it's over this way threat will never end - threat will be every tuesday 10 pm, and to deactivate the threat she must be there from what you wrote I think you can easily implement it because it's sort of my situation before I moved into calendar sex I'm not out of woods yet and I know my wife will just happily go into sexless existance given chances but I think she slowly accepts that sex in her life is now regular and forever
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Post by manman on Feb 2, 2018 0:44:12 GMT -5
Q - "Why most people hesitate to apply pressure to their partner refusers?" A - Because they fear that the outcome might be to collapse their primary relationship, and that is not a risk they are - at this time - prepared to run. Now longer term, the collapse of the primary relationship could be a great result, in as much as it ends the dysfunctional deal and allows both parties to move on...but in the moment, this moment, right now, it looks like a shithouse prospect for which you are unprepared, uninformed, and unwilling to even contemplate. But there is one thing you can take to the bank... If you are not prepared to go "all in" and put the marriage on the line then you have no hope of fixing whatever ails it, nor any hope of ending it. You have no hope of resolving it. That bitter truth takes a long time to recognise, and even longer to accept. I have done this thing when I was so overwhelmed with my sexless mariage that I didn't particularly care. I needed change and I couldn't suffer anymore Anyway it was ball in my wife's court - she decided if we move into this new calendar thing or divorce Honestly I didn't want to divorce but I was totally prepared to any outcome my wife chose calendar If your partner choses divorce - it's her decision - why to worry? be happy but don't underestimate your partners most of them don't want to divorce - they just don't want sex- but if you organize things correct- you will have sex and won't divorce but since that thing looks tentatively positive - in addition to regular sex I sleep better and don't think about divorce anymore
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 2, 2018 0:46:10 GMT -5
Fake it 'til they make it, so to speak? I hope it works for you and your wife.
Remember, if it stops happening and there are no repercussions, you shred your cred.
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Post by manman on Feb 2, 2018 0:59:14 GMT -5
Fake it 'til they make it, so to speak? I hope it works for you and your wife. Remember, if it stops happening and there are no repercussions, you shred your cred. most people have problem here bacause they want their partners desire them right now - although the thing is it's quite a job like marathon training - you jog several times a week and eventually in a year you can run or not only time will tell you will need to train your partner to desire you and it will take a long time and regular sessions even more - you need to work on your own resentment. and calendar thing will ease it too only calendar method will work I beiieve in long term sexless mariages
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Post by baza on Feb 2, 2018 1:00:34 GMT -5
Fake it 'til they make it, so to speak? I hope it works for you and your wife. Remember, if it stops happening and there are no repercussions, you shred your cred. Highly relevant point you make Brother ironhamster . These are not situations where bullshit, brinksmanship or bluff are appropriate. If you are going to open your mouth then whatever you say you are going to do you had better mean. Else-wise you do shred your cred and that puts you backwards by months. Your spouse (quite understandably) reasons that you do not mean what you say and there is no credible threat to the status quo.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 2, 2018 1:05:19 GMT -5
Fake it 'til they make it, so to speak? I hope it works for you and your wife. Remember, if it stops happening and there are no repercussions, you shred your cred. most people have problem here bacause they want their partners desire them right now - although the thing is it's quite a job like marathon training - you jog several times a week and eventually in a year you can run or not only time will tell you will need to train your partner to desire you and it will take a long time and regular sessions only calendar method will work I beiieve in long term sexless mariages It is more like a run though a large mine field. Should the refuser miss one appointment, you blow up the relationship. Action->Consequence.
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Post by manman on Feb 2, 2018 1:11:42 GMT -5
most people have problem here bacause they want their partners desire them right now - although the thing is it's quite a job like marathon training - you jog several times a week and eventually in a year you can run or not only time will tell you will need to train your partner to desire you and it will take a long time and regular sessions only calendar method will work I beiieve in long term sexless mariages It is more like a run though a large mine field. Should the refuser miss one appointment, you blow up the relationship. Action->Consequence. you might allow some misses - for illness or physical abcence whatever although I suggest those must be recouped at a later time and not completely missed to make sure illnesses are real - but basically yes - you don't try cross 10 lines highway on red even once- it should be very clear to your partner
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Post by csl on Feb 2, 2018 1:27:54 GMT -5
I could explain all the things I have done to apply pressure, but we should also consider the successful results. If you have to beg, cajole, coerce your spouse to have sex, will that really be the kind of sex you want? I have tracked frequency on the family calendar with marks that she was the only other person that knew what they meant. This was effective and frustrating to her. Two Decembers ago, a female friend of mine sent me a very nice Christmas card, which caused my wife to beg me not to give up on her. Of course, as soon as the threat was gone, so was her sex drive. A failed Tinder hookup she found out about resulted in hysterical bonding sex. Explaining that I wanted an open marriage resulted in reset sex. Of course, it never lasted. The drive was not because I was desired. I never felt desired. I was a chore. No matter how much reset sex I could have, it would never be what I really wanted. One thing I’m tumbling to is the difference between “I want to be married to you” and “I want to be married.” I ‘m coming to believe that the difference between reset sex and a marriage that rights itself is simply the fact that a spouse’s attitude moves from the latter to the former. You might let your wife know that you know the difference between the two.
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Post by csl on Feb 2, 2018 1:30:59 GMT -5
Q - "Why most people hesitate to apply pressure to their partner refusers?" A - Because they fear that the outcome might be to collapse their primary relationship, and that is not a risk they are - at this time - prepared to run. Hence my mantra, “Until the situation becomes intolerable, you will tolerate.”
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 2, 2018 1:53:23 GMT -5
Pressure does make things happen. So it's important. For quantity sake. But quality is better than quantity. Freedom seems better suited for quality rather than pressure and coercion. But quantity may be a necessary step before quality.
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