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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 24, 2024 19:02:32 GMT -5
One for my ex-wife:
Happy Valentine's Day. I wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.........for one brief second......and how sorry the last five years of our sexless marriage were.......as I admired my beautiful girlfriend, right before I gave her the 3 carat diamond ring and asked her to be my wife. P.S. She said "Yes!". Passionate sex will be sure to follow.
So, I won't be thinking about you any more. Wishing you a great life!
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 7, 2024 19:49:30 GMT -5
1st mediation scheduled for Feb 21, 2024. Navigating this road out has been very hard. I have had moments where I thought I should have just stayed. Came here to read again the posts of those who have made it out. Drawing encouragement. You've got this! Filing, telling the kids and moving out are the hardest parts.... At a time like this you need to take care of yourself first. Do yourself a favor and please go talk to someone as it sounds like you are really struggling. The situation you are in is not your fault. There's no shame in getting emotional help to get you through this rough patch and over the hump. I equated this journey when I went through it to walking through a dark tunnel. It takes a lot of courage to start that journey into the tunnel. A lot of people never will, but you did it! Congrats! Once you are in the tunnel, don't stop walking. Ever. If you need guidance and help along the way, seek it out. I promise you will emerge into the light at the other end and be grateful that you had the courage to move forward with your life. Keep checking in with yourself first. It's OK to be sad, angry, hurt, scared, frustrated. Acknowledge how you feel, process it, and then don't let it define you. It's OK and healthy to feel these things. You are grieving the loss of a marriage and a family unit. It's also OK to acknowledge that it wasn't meant to be. A strange thing is going to start happening if you let it. You will start to feel relief, hope, excitement. You are changing the outcome from something that you were dreading (i.e. being stuck in a sexless marriage devoid of intimacy for the rest of your life) to an unknown, but exciting future. You can absolutely do this!
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Post by flyingsolo on Oct 20, 2023 20:05:33 GMT -5
I've got to find a way to finish when my wife and I do have the occasional deed. I know it's all in my head and I don't know how to fix it other than to fantasize and I'm sure my taking care of it on my own so long is part of the problem. So, here's the crux of the matter. Do you still find your wife sexy and does she "do it for you"? If you are having sex to have sex and don't find your partner particularly appealing, it probably isn't going to work for you to finish without fantasizing about something or someone else, regardless of whether you take care of yourself or not. If you do still find your wife attractive, trying fantasizing about doing things with her sexually (or even watching her doing something sexually with someone else if that's your thing) while you are taking care of your own needs. Frankly that was one of the issues I was having as I transitioned from five years of a sexless marriage into sexual intimacy with my girlfriend. At first, because it had been so long since I'd sex, nerves got the better of me and it was hard to finish (not to mentioned I'd had five years of doing my own thing to meet my sexual needs). A hand and a woman are not the same. The more I pictured my girlfriend doing sexual things with me (or my secret weapon, her with another woman) while meeting my own needs (we are in a long-distance relationship), the easier it became to relax, enjoy being in the moment with her, and finish almost every time I wanted to (barring alcohol being involved, which we've discovered is a problem with both of us finishing). So, if you find your wife sexually attractive, try adapting your fantasies to include her and visualize doing those things with her while you are "doing your own thing" rather than thinking about the recent porno you saw, some past girlfriend, etc. Pretty soon you'll be able to finish if and when you are able to have sex with your wife. If you are struggling in the moment with your wife, just go back to the fantasies you used about her in your head when you were doing your own thing and they usually work to finish the deed. Just my two cents, but this method worked like a charm for me.
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Post by flyingsolo on Oct 13, 2023 17:49:49 GMT -5
Well she is a psycho so......my girlfriend likes to use the phrase "her monkey, her circus" when referring to my ex. I like it and it fits. The ex is crazy. Always plays the victim. Never moves on. Will likely be single the rest of her life. More power to her. I enjoy being in a relationship with someone who values and enjoys being in one with me. That wasn't my ex.
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Post by flyingsolo on Oct 9, 2023 19:22:48 GMT -5
Interesting issue - forgetting how to have sex. What's that say about how terrible a sexless marriage really is?!? After being with my ex for over 21 years and being sexless for 5, I was exceptionally nervous when I got out of my sexless marriage at the thought of being with another woman and how I would perform. I certainly didn't want to be a disappointment for the next woman I was with. It had been so long since my ex and I really even kissed with any sort of passion that I was worried that I'd even forgotten how to give a good kiss. Crazy right? As several men mentioned, I had no problem "flying solo", but when I was first with my girlfriend, the nerves got the best of me and I had trouble performing and finishing as well. It's funny after being in a sexless marriage for so long, the first time you have chance to have sex with someone else you'd think your "little brain" would be raring to go, but that wasn't the case. It wasn't that I wasn't absolutely attracted to her (an issue many of us had with our partners in our sexless marriages), it was just that I was so damn nervous after so long without sex and being with a new partner. Two things I did which made a big difference - I had a very frank discussion with my girlfriend about where I'd been emotionally and my struggles with a sexless marriage, how long it had been since having sex with someone else, and how I didn't want to disappoint her but I was nervous as hell. I also talked to my doctor, explained the situation and got some little yellow pills that help with blood flow for those intimate moments. Both went a long way to putting my mind at ease and relaxing me when it was time to perform. My girlfriend was amazingly understanding and patient and things are wonderful between the sheets now. I don't need the little yellow pills anymore as I'm no longer nervous about performing and now we just enjoy being in the moment and having an adventurous sex life, but every now and then I'll take one if we are going to have a long weekend together.
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Post by flyingsolo on Oct 6, 2023 22:41:58 GMT -5
Glad to hear things are going well for you and nice to hear from you again.
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Post by flyingsolo on Oct 6, 2023 22:10:27 GMT -5
This is such a miserable process - totally makes sense that we put off walking this misery road out the door for so very long. The STBX ran straight to one of the kids and Villanized me. I had asked we tell the kids all together but he made his own plans. Now, what do I do - I don’t really know how to tell the kids - who are all spread out in 4 different states. I don’t see a reason to burden them until a little later in the process. STBX has not spoken a single word to me since receiving papers. Still living in the house - it’s so crazy making uncomfortable. I really hope the other side of this is worth all this. You may be surprised to learn that your kids may have already known how unhappy you are. When I filed, my kids (who are younger) were disappointed and sad, but they said they expected it was coming at some point based on how my ex and I weren't getting along. It wasn't a fun process to have to do and, in fact, it may actually be harder telling them than filing for divorce, but once it's done it's done and you can start moving on. My ex did something similar right after I told her that I had filed where she rounded all three of my kids up (my youngest was 11 and my oldest was 17) for a "family meeting" and said "Dad has something to tell you!". Mind you this is like 5 minutes after I told her I had filed. No "let's tell them together or figure out how we tell them". She sat there scowling at me and acted like it was all my fault. She didn't participate, she didn't admit any fault, she blamed all of it on me and sat there hugging my two youngest (girls) while I had to tell them and she acted like the victim in all of it. That for sure was the absolute hardest part for me. The actual filing for divorce was a weight off my shoulders and a relief. That feeling is how I knew I was doing the right thing. I can tell you being almost two and half years down the road from that point now, it does get better. Just make sure you are in a good place mentally and take care of yourself first for awhile. I had five years to prepare before I finally decided to file. It certainly hurt me financially to wait five years to file, but I know I wasn't ready to file earlier and it gave me five more years with my kids every day, which I look back fondly on now. Two of my three kids are doing very well and I have very good relationships with them. My middle child took it the hardest and it doesn't help that my ex continues to play the victim. I've been fighting with my ex for two years to get my girls into some counseling to help them process everything (why my ex doesn't want them to go is beyond me), and I think that is finally coming to fruition. However, it's been a long legal battle to get it done, but I won't ever give up on my kids. Stay strong, keep the faith. It will all work out. You will meet someone amazing and wonder "where has this person been all my life". Keep an open line of communication with your kids and allow them to ask questions if they have any. In the end, most kids just want their parents to be happy and around when they need them.
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Post by flyingsolo on Sept 25, 2023 14:16:57 GMT -5
Unfortunately I am going through this will one of my kids as well. I have great relationships with my oldest (20 and off at college) and youngest (14), but my ex has absolutely played up the victim role, which has poisoned the relationship with my 16 year old. She hasn't come over for a visitation since Christmas 2021. I still include her in texts, etc. to my other kids and tell her I miss her and want to see her. I see her on occasion at functions, but get nothing more than a Hi if I approach her.
My attorneys are still trying to get the parenting agreement enforced, but my ex is so toxic that her own attorney doesn't even want to deal with her anymore, so nothing is getting done. I have no doubt that karma is going to come back my ex's way in a big way at some point in the future and she'll pay for all her actions, but until then I just have to keep trying to be the dad and let me kiddo know that I am there if she ever needs me. I do miss her very much and it really shows me what an absolute vile person my ex is for encouraging this behavior.
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Post by flyingsolo on Sept 25, 2023 10:31:23 GMT -5
You'll get through it. I've been post divorce for about 21 months now. Still lingering issues to sort through because my ex took the "victim" approach, but all in all, I'm WAY HAPPIER and you will be too. It was am immense weight off my shoulders to finally file and be able to tell her I filed. It broke my heart to have to tell the kids (which she made me do alone of course and blamed it all on me) and I struggled with being the one to break up the family, but it was hell living in a sexless marriage with no honesty or communication. You'll meet someone amazing and life all works out the way it is supposed to. Just have faith in yourself and know that there are better days ahead.
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Post by flyingsolo on Apr 2, 2023 11:12:56 GMT -5
Ah yes, the hysterical bonding sex. When my marriage was on the rocks the first time and my now ex realized our marriage was just about over and I was done, this happened to me and for about a month the sex was great - adventurous, uninhibited, fun, she was willing to try anything and everything and I really thought we were bonding and enjoying being with each other. I thought for sure we were on the road back and this is what our marriage was going to be going forward. Exactly as ironhamster posted, it died off after about a month when she felt the threat of losing the marriage was over. At that time I stayed, but things never really got better. In fact they started a slow, gradual decline that lasted years and we ultimately ended up in a completely sexless marriage for the last five years of it and in separate beds for the last two. Looking back now that "great sex month" was almost 20 years ago and that's as good as my sex life ever got with her. One month of what I felt a true loving, caring marriage should feel like in the bedroom in twenty plus years of marriage. It took me seventeen more years to decide to leave, but better late than never.
The kicker on the whole thing was as we went through trying to fix our marriage at the end and I mentioned that good sex the last time our marriage was in trouble and her unwillingness to engage in any intimacy this time in an effort to save our marriage, she threw all that in my face. Apparently the month of great sex was just for my benefit and she "wasn't going to do that again". Whelp, needless to say, it probably would have gotten me to stay and keep trying to work things out as I'm a physical touch kind of guy and that's how I feel connected and loved by my partner. Her lack of wanting to make that effort told me it was done.
There's a happy ending to the story though. I met an amazing woman shortly after my marriage ended (and you will too). We have great sex all the time when we are together, there's no drama, and my relationship with her is wonderful. It's exactly how I felt an intimate relationship SHOULD be but never had with my ex. Life has a funny way of working out sometimes.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 29, 2023 8:47:18 GMT -5
Baza's advice it right on point. Have your plan ready and know your options and be ready to put that plan in place if you need to. Work on yourself in the meantime and be the best person that you can be, not for anyone else but for yourself. Reconnect with your friends and family. Be in a good place mentally, physically and emotionally. That way, if you have to put your plan in action, you are more than comfortable doing so and more than comfortable with yourself being in that position. Just having a plan doesn't mean you ever have to use it, but it's there if and when you need it.
I was in a similar boat as you - married 20 plus years, sexless marriage for five plus years (and by sexless I mean not one time in five years). I tried everything, including marital counseling for years. Once we went to separate beds, we never went back and we were never intimate again. I stayed for maybe two years in that scenario, almost exclusively because of my kids, but I had a plan all laid out in the event we couldn't reconcile and I was no longer willing to be in that position. When she quit counseling and I realized I was the only one still trying to save the marriage and any sort of intimacy, I pulled the plug and put my plan in action. I engaged my attorney, filed divorce paperwork, rented an apartment that I had identified in advance and once I had a custody agreement in place (and only then!), I moved out and began moving on with my life. I think it shocked her, but I was done dealing with someone who didn't want to be in a relationship that involved communication and intimacy.
Now, I'm two years removed from my sexless marriage. I'm in a long distance relationship with the woman I dated for about three years before I married my ex-wife. It's be a lot of fun to reconnect with someone I hadn't talked to in 25 plus years. She lives in a great city and is an amazing woman. We are perfect for each other and she is everything my ex-wife wasn't. You will be amazed when you find someone who values a physical, emotional and intimate connection as much as you do. We both had long-term marriages that didn't work out, we both see why, and we both vowed that we won't let that happen again. The communication is amazing, the intimacy is fun and spontaneous and not always about the sex - but that's wonderful too. It's absolutely refreshing and while a long distance relationship is work, we both agree that it's well worth it.
My ex, on the other hand is angry, bitter, manipulative and will likely spend the rest of her life blaming me for the end of our marriage. She hasn't been honest with my kids or her friends or relatives or likely even herself at this point. I've made my peace with that and you should be ready for that type of behavior. Sadly 20 plus years of marriage and she can't act like an adult and communicate, but she couldn't during our marriage either and I see that clearly now. We aren't going to be friends. She refuses to co-parent or communicate about our children. She won't even call her attorney back. It has certainly created some difficulty with my children and I try to keep them from being in the middle, however she has chosen to use them as weapons. Sad, but true.
However, given all of that and the past two years of crap dealing with my ex, I would still do it all over again and file for divorce as I am so much happier now. I lived each day in constant stress over my sexless marriage, walking on eggshells in my own home, feeling constantly alone in my struggle. That's all a distant memory now and things are so much more calm, peaceful and happy in my life. My final thought for you is that once either one of you is done fighting for your marriage, it's over and you are just prolonging the agony. A partner withholding intimacy and sex in what is supposed to be a loving, caring marriage is being emotionally abusive and is wielding this power as a weapon. My ex was over the top and I see that now and no one deserves to be put in this position. It's certainly a dark tunnel to have to walk through in order to find the light again, but sometimes divorce is the way to be happy again. It certainly was for me. If I can help in any way, please let me know.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 18, 2022 19:34:29 GMT -5
I am sorry that you find yourself here givingupsoon. It can be a very lonely place, but this forum and everyone that is a part of it were exceptionally helpful for me when I was at your crossroads. While my situation wasn't a porn addiction with my wife, she just literally decided intimacy was a no-go......for over five plus years. Not only was it a frustrating and lonely experience, I would come to realize later it was exceptionally abusive and emotionally manipulative on her part. Much like it sounds like your husband is doing, she placed the blame squarely on me. Every time I tried to express my feelings and need for emotional and physical intimacy with someone I thought was my "partner", I got the "all you want is sex" reply. Yes, I've stayed in a sexless marriage for five years because all I want is sex. Logical right?
Honestly, stop chasing the "Why" and start thinking about making yourself happy. You've tried and it hasn't worked. If you are confident that you've done all you can and you don't have financial concerns about a divorce, start plotting your exit. If you want my honest opinion, DON'T have an affair. Leave with a clean conscience knowing you did everything you could and you didn't stray from the marriage. An affair only gives him more ammunition should he find out and could potentially jeopardize a financial settlement in a divorce depending on what state you live it.
1.) Find an good attorney and plan your out. 2.) Begin making arrangement for a new place to live. 3.) Do what you need to do for yourself so that you feel good about yourself and are 100% at peace with your decision so you can walk away with your head held high knowing you tried. 4.) You deserve better. You deserve happiness. You deserve a great sex life. Go get all three!
I finally filed for divorce from my 21+ year marriage after 5+ sexless years of marriage and you know what? I found an amazing, incredibly sexy woman (WAAAAY better looking than my ex) whom I have an amazing intimate and honest connection with. I finally realized that THIS is the way it is supposed to be. I am incredibly happy, and the sex is passionate, fun and adventurous and we have it as much as I want it! It's great when you find someone who loves you for you without all the bullshit head games. You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's WORTH IT! Cost me over $1 million, but it was so worth it!
Good luck to you! Be at peace with your decision to move on and you will never look back! I promise!
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 26, 2022 9:03:37 GMT -5
Very happy for you! Isn't it so nice to be out of a sexless relationship (my divorce was final last month)? You sound very happy and I know the feeling! Congrats! Congratulations on your divorce! It is SO nice. Not only the sex (no complaints there) but in terms of having a partner with whom to shoulder the burdens of life… as well as share the joys. That's the big thing that I've noticed in my new relationship - the feeling that I have a partner, that we share the joys, adventures and challenges together and support and encourage each other. Oh, and the sex and sensual exploration journey we are both on together is so much fun. She is amazing and it's incredible when two people trust and love each other how much fun you can have with and without your clothes on. I've had more fun in the last year than I've had in the past ten with my ex. It's like going from a Volkswagen that won't start to a new Porsche. I had put a "self check-in" on my calendar a year to the day from the date I filed for divorce asking myself one question - Are you happier today than you were a year ago? The answer is a resounding YES!!!!!!!. I shudder think of my future had I stayed in my sexless marriage and I truly feel for everyone who feels like they are stuck, whether it be because of age, health, finances, kids, circumstances, etc. I can honestly say if you've tried everything and still can't reignite your relationship and the passion therein, you owe it to yourself to get the heck out. You have the rest of your life to live and only get one shot at it. Why not be happy? I equate that journey to having to walk through a dark tunnel. It takes strength and courage to do it and not everyone will choose to make that journey, but if you put in the work on yourself as part of it, you will emerge a much more confident, stronger and emotionally available person, and yes, you will find someone else. Things will all work out and you'll be so much happier!
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 12, 2022 9:36:16 GMT -5
Very happy for you! Isn't it so nice to be out of a sexless relationship (my divorce was final last month)? You sound very happy and I know the feeling! Congrats!
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Post by flyingsolo on Nov 28, 2021 15:14:13 GMT -5
Frankly, no. After 4 1/2 years of marital counseling which didn't work, I realized that in her mind, she blamed me for everything that was wrong in her life and I could do nothing right in her eyes. Her rejection continued for several years until I found myself no longer sexually attracted to her and all her negativity. Frankly, in the pictures she posts online now, she looks old and sad.
It's like the fog finally cleared from my life. Boy was it a relief to finally realize that and make the decision to free myself from that mess of a sexless marriage. Emotionally, physically, and intimately, I am much happier being out of my sexless marriage and onto a relationship with someone who enjoys intimacy and communicates her feeling and thoughts honesty and readily. Zero interest in any sort of sex with my former spouse.
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