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Post by flyingsolo on Nov 28, 2021 15:06:35 GMT -5
I spent my first Thanksgiving away from my kids and my sexless marriage with my new special friend and her kids. I thought it would be a bit strange being away from my kids and not being able to tell them where I was, but I spent some time with them before I left to celebrate our Thanksgiving and then enjoyed spending time out of town. The great sex and intimacy with my new friend was just a big added bonus. I helped her with some fix-it projects around the house and replaced the headlights in her Jeep for her and she kept me well satisfied and made me feel wanted. I am headed home tomorrow, but with three or four more trips already scheduled for her to come and see me or me to come back down to see her, the future is bright indeed.
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Post by flyingsolo on Sept 6, 2021 19:05:43 GMT -5
Go see an attorney and get some info. Most attorneys won't charge for an initial consultation. Just because you go see one doesn't mean you ultimately have to file for divorce, but it is good to understand the options that you have so you can make informed decisions. I saw an attorney initially 2 1/2 years before I ultimately filed for divorce. I didn't know it at the time, but my marriage was essentially over the first time I went to visit the attorney. I just wasn't ready to file as I hadn't realized my marriage was over yet. It sounds like she is waiting until you can set her up with a nice cushy life and the longer you wait the more issues you are potentially going to have with alimony depending on how long you have been married. Again, see an attorney ASAP to understand your options if you stay versus go.
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 28, 2021 11:16:03 GMT -5
Over six months of couples’ counseling I made every change she asked of me and our communication improved exponentially. Things felt good between us and restoration of physical intimacy was the last hurtle. Then, after six months sexless i said we needed progress in this area and I needed to see tangible steps to improve. Since then, my life has become a living hell and the situation has deteriorated markedly. Tonight, we went out for dinner on a date night I’ve been pushing for over several weeks. She refused to hold my hand when walking to the restaurant and, at first, said she was working on it but needed less pressure but then told me repeatedly over the course of dinner that I’m just a friend and she has no romantic feelings towards me and is not “in love” with me anymore. I think I made up my mind to go tonight. I cannot stand it anymore. Seven months SM. Where I have drawn the line is the complete physical avoidance and refusal to consider any touch, even hand holding. I’ve explained that it’s intolerable to be married to someone who won’t hold your hand. She’s said repeatedly that she wants a trial separation for her to figure things out (no talk of this until I began pressing for a restoration of physical intimacy) and if the heart grows fonder with distance. I said no: I’m not going to be someone’s option. She either works to improve within our relationship or we divorce and then it’s over. I’m not doing a “trial separation” for her to have sex with others and play at life without me to make sure it’s “comfortable “ for her before exiting. She also keeps telling me it’ll be amicable, we will be civil and I’ll do what’s right for our children which she presumes means that she keeps our house. I feel differently: if we are divorced, I do not care about her financially anymore and it is best for our sons to see me prevail financially not to cave to my wife’s selfish demands. Sorry to hear that optima. Run, do not walk, to a good divorce attorney to start getting your ducks in a row. It sounds like she's already pulled the parachute (and after just reading your updated post where you discovered her affair, I guess she has) and made up your mind for you if she wants a trial separation. You may get lucky and be able to mediate a divorce instead of it getting nasty, but don't count on it. Start putting your plan together now in case you need to find a place to live, arrange your finances, plan your legal strategy, etc. On a positive note, congratulations on the end of your sexless marriage. You will be so much happier in the long run!
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Post by flyingsolo on Aug 28, 2021 11:00:51 GMT -5
I am new on this forum and I didn't know that there was a forum like this in the first place. I also didn't know that I am not the only one in a loveless/sexless marriage. I did seek a therapist and he said to go to this forum. I am responding to mishy. My Wife gets really mad when I bring up that I would like to have hugs, touch, and especially sex. I think that I am stuck because I really don't want divorce but I also can't live without love and sex. I feel that it is helpful that I am not alone in this predicament. Welcome and I am sorry you find yourself here agman. Unfortunately there are many of us who understand your predicament all too well. I stayed in a sexless marriage for over a decade and spent over 20 years with my STBX. Interesting that your wife gets mad when you express your need for affection and intimacy. Imagine that. You tell your spouse what you need to be happy and feel loved and they basically tell you to piss off. What's that say about how your spouse really feels about you my friend? Assuming you have approached her many times like an adult to discuss your intimacy situation and not from a position of anger, her response is pretty telling. She is perfectly content in your marriage without physical (and potentially emotional) intimacy. Out of curiosity, do you both work outside the home or does she stay home with kids? I wonder what she'd say if you told her your were going to look elsewhere to get your needs for affection met (and no, I am not encouraging you to do so as it adds a whole other level of complications for you) or were considering filing for divorce? I did the marriage counseling and therapy route for over four years. In the end, I found I was working on myself (counseling did honestly help me deal with a few issues and I think made me a way better person emotionally) and trying to work on my marriage, but my wife had already made up her mind and sex and intimacy with me wasn't on her radar. Our relationship actually got worse, not better while we were in counseling. I asked her if we could go see another counselor as I didn't feel ours was working with regard to our marriage. She said no. That was the beginning of the end as I realized I was still fighting for our marriage and she was not. After that "ah ha" moment, my decision was much easier to make as she had essentially shown me her cards. In the end, I got tired of chasing "whys" to try to understand why she wasn't interested in intimacy with me. I weighed my options over the period of about two years. I asked myself what I was getting out of my marriage and the honest answer was "nothing". I was miserable without affection and intimacy and had been for several years. I ultimately decided that life was too short to live in a sexless marriage and that I deserved a better one full of love and intimacy with someone who valued the same thing. I filed for divorce early this year and it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It is hard to go that route and a very difficult decision for sure, especially after 20 years with someone and kids in my case, but I can tell you that there is light at the end of my tunnel. You can, and will, find someone else if that's what you are looking for. Knowing that I am on my way out of this sexless marriage situation is wonderful, even with the temporary hell I have to walk through for the divorce and custody process. I initially didn't want a divorce either, but I did the hard work and realized that was the only way I was going to get out of the situation. She wasn't going to change and wasn't suddenly going to decide she valued intimacy with me again. I ready a study once that found that stress takes nine years off your life and costs about $750,000 in lost earnings on average. That was an eye opener. Do you want to live nine years less in a sexless marriage than you could in a happy one full of love, intimacy and sex? Start thinking about getting your ducks in a row agman. Time is not your friend in this process. The longer you wait, the longer your marriage, the higher and longer the alimony, etc. It generally doesn't cost anything to go see an attorney to discuss your situation. Most will do the first meeting on a complimentary basis. That doesn't mean you have to file for divorce, but at least you can start weighing your options while having all the facts. I write all this because I've been where you are. Without some serious soul searching, your wife isn't going to change and you will live in a sexless marriage indefinitely if you don't stand up for yourself and your needs. At a minimum, start looking at your options. This doesn't cost you anything other than your time. Ask yourself if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. I would be happy to share my experience if you have any questions.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 25, 2021 11:01:31 GMT -5
If anything, this whole process has told me I am making the right choice in leaving. For all of you stuck on the fence, ask yourself one question - Are you living your best life? You can chase the "why" of your sexless marriage forever and not find the answer. If you don't make changes, 10 years from now you are going to be in the exact same spot but 10 years older and those 10 years may very well feel like 10 years wasted if you aren't careful. Plus you will be 10 years further behind the financial curve at recovering from a divorce. Is waiting for your spouse to die your exit strategy? I hope not for your sake and the sake of living a fulfilling life. Bottom line, for whatever reason, your spouse is not having sex with you. That isn't normal and isn't part of a happy, healthy relationship and you have a right to a fulfilling and emotionally and physically engaging sex life and marriage. If you stay in a frustrating, sexless marriage which is causing you stress, you will likely live a shorter life because of it (up to 9 years shorter based on some studies based on stress). Ask yourself what you are getting out of your marriage. If the answer is "Nothing", welcome to the realization that you are enabling your spouse's avoidant and sexless lifestyle by staying in your marriage. If you've done the work on yourself to be a good, emotionally available person and still aren't in a happy marriage, why stay? You have one life you get to live so, to quote the Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living or get busy dying". Why let a frigid spouse ruin a big part of it for you? All of the above was part of the journey I went through to ultimately realize that no matter what I did, my spouse did not care about my happiness and was emotionally abusive and had been for a long time. It took me a long time to realize that and even longer to get up the courage to leave given my financial situation and my children. I realized I was only staying for them, but that they will ultimately adjust and be fine when they see me happy and realize that I am not going anywhere. Once I started the process of getting out of my marriage, I felt like I was regaining control of my life again. I can't explain it, but it's liberating and exciting and I cannot wait to get away from the anchor around my neck that was my marriage for the past 10+ years and my abusive spouse.
Onward and upward!!!
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 24, 2021 10:15:16 GMT -5
The beautiful thing is that karma has a way of coming back to bite people like that in the ass. I already have a closer relationship with her family than she does at this point and she is only going to make herself look really bad to everyone. In addition to violating our interim parenting agreement a day after we signed it and scheduling the kids away from me all weekend with activities when it was supposed to be my first weekend alone with them, she filed a motion this week to kick me out of my own home because she has family coming into town for my son's going away party and wants them to stay at the house and doesn't want me there. Incidentally, I pay for the house (and everything else) as she doesn't work out of the home (and really doesn't work in the home). In the short-term, this is going to hurt my relationship with my kids as she is playing the victim role to perfection and making it seem like she has nothing to do with the divorce. The motion she signed, under penalty of perjury by the way, was chock full of lies and inaccuracies. She and her attorneys are a real piece of work and I honestly cannot believe someone can consciously sign a document full of that much bs under a penalty of perjury and get away with it.
However, I am already so much happier with the prospects of being away from her and moving on with my life in peace, even with all this divorce bs to contend with. I have an apartment almost ready to go that is more like a house/condo with a two car garage and the two of my three kids who have seen it love it. I have a woman I am interested in seeing once I am out of this cluster of a marriage and I look forward to being with someone who respects me as a person. My STBX will be bitter, angry and alone, most likely for the rest of her life based on her attitude and who she is. Good riddance.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 23, 2021 11:51:55 GMT -5
I've been thinking a bit about this, and access to unlimited funds would allow me to leave. I could pay for two households so I would be able to have 50/50 with the kids. I could pay for round the clock care for my wife and ensure her accomodation and care was top spec. It wouldn't stop the guilt I guess, but would certainly assuage a lot of it. Food for thought, or fantasy at least! You are making the assumption your wife is going to allow you to have the kids 50% of the time. That's what I am fighting for right now. As a father, you would think it would be common sense that you should get your kids 50% of the time. The courts are not in our favor, regardless of how incredible of a dad you may be. You don't truly know what someone is capable of until you try to divorce them. All sorts of crazy comes out at that point!
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 7, 2021 17:18:16 GMT -5
You have to honest with yourself first Mishy. Are you happy with who you are as a person? If you are happy with who you are, but not the life you are living, then you need to find out what is causing that unhappiness and whether it is fixable without making some drastic changes (divorce, etc.). For example, if you are happy with who you are as a person (or are working on counseling to get there), then you have to look at the rest of the things around you. Most of us are here because we are in various levels of unhappiness related to a sexless marriage. If you have had that discussion with your partner and they are putting all the causes of the sexless marriage on you, you need to assess whether any of the blame is warranted (Maybe you work too much, maybe your hormones are out of whack and it is impacting your desire, maybe you aren't emotionally connected with your partner, etc.), and if it is, do the work you can to fix it on your end. If you do so, you may quickly discover you aren't the issue or cause of the sexless marriage at all.
I spent 4 1/2 years in marital counseling with my soon to be ex-wife (at her request) and working on what I needed to do for myself to be a better person (work less, connect more with my kids, try to be there for my spouse, be emotionally available, etc.) In the end, I did all of those things for myself and feel much more in-touch with who I am as a person, but ironically I didn't feel like marital counseling was actually working and my relationship with my wife got way worse. Despite over four years of counseling and knowing I was a physical touch and words of affirmation guy, she chose to show no affection and would nit pick and criticize every little thing I did. I honestly couldn't remember the last time she gave me a compliment. We went six years without having sex because she refused it and avoided it. I finally started seeing a different marriage counselor on my own who suggested a different course of action. I raised this course of action with my wife and asked her to go see my new counselor with me and she refused and called me "broken".
I decided that was the last straw and that I wasn't going to live in an unhappy, sexless marriage as a roommate for the rest of my life and give up on physical intimacy. Sex and intimacy and passion are too important to my happiness. In addition, what kind of message were we sending to our kids by sleeping in separate rooms and never kissing, hugging, etc. They needed to see that that wasn't a normal, loving relationship as I don't want them to ever end up in this situation. Interesting side stat from a management seminar I attended a few days ago - On average happy people live 9 years longer than unhappy people and make $750,000 more in their lifetimes. I'd rather be happy and divorced rather than unhappy and sexless. I'll live longer and have less stress in my life.
I can honestly say that although going through a divorce is a pain in the ass, you will be amazed when you find someone who loves and values you for exactly who you are and doesn't want you to change, AT ALL! You may, in fact, learn there's absolutely nothing wrong with you at all and that your sexless marriage is because of your husband. I happened to reconnect with someone from my distant past after I filed for divorce and it's been truly awesome. She is amazing and everything that has been missing from my life. We have no walls from either other and can talk about anything and everything 100% honestly, including anything sexual/intimate you can imagine (likes, dislikes, fantasies, positions, fetishes, masterbation, porn, toys, fears, hopes, aspirations, bucket lists, retirement, etc.). I can't even describe how refreshing this openness and honesty is. I never had this level of communication and trust with my soon to be ex-wife and this has opened our eyes to a whole new level of intimacy that neither one of us has ever had with anyone else. We discover new things about ourselves regularly, which is really cool. My special friend actually calls me her "unicorn" - her definition of me as sexy, smart, successful, driven, emotionally available and unlike any other man she's ever been with. I love that I can be that for her and that she can be that person for me. We are going to have an amazing and adventurous life together, including a passionate and intimate love/sex life. Man have I missed sex!!!
I tell you all of this because there is absolutely hope for you, but sometimes it is going to require some painful and deep soul searching to see whether the relationship you are currently in is really the right one for you and the one that is going to make you happy for the rest of your life. I was in mine for 20+ years, but ultimately decided I needed to walk away from it for my own health and well being. Interestingly enough, a few days after I filed for divorce, I actually got multiple calls from members of her family confessing to me that they've never agreed with how she treated me and wishing me the best for my new life. Crazy right? Her own family! That's one of the signs that I know it was the right thing to do in order to live the rest of my life happy.
Sometimes you have to walk through that dark tunnel to find the light at the end, and ultimately, happiness...
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 26, 2021 20:25:33 GMT -5
I am awake its 3 in the morning.... I ponder if its worth it to stay... worth it to leave... I really don't have answers. The kids are growing up and all I can say to them is do it better than me. Would I be asleep if I felt comfort from the man next to me? So, I like you was in this situation, sleeping alone, my wife choosing to sleep in another bedroom, in an absolutely sexless marriage for four years. If I looked deeper the sexless marriage went back over ten years but she'd throw in a lay now or then to appease me when I complained enough, maybe once every three months or so. I finally asked myself what, exactly and specifically I was getting out of this marriage that enriched my life and made me happy to be with her. I'm a physical touch/words of affirmation love language kind of guy. I got neither. I couldn't tell you the last time my wife gave me a compliment, despite me "bringing home the bacon" and supporting her financially for over 20 years, basically making her a millionaire through very little effort of her own. She was quick to criticize and her negative comments just got to be ridiculous. I looked long and hard for reasons to stay. Other than keeping my family together and avoiding a financial upheaval in dealing with a divorce, I couldn't ultimately find any more reasons to stay. I'm not in love with my wife. I don't find her sexually attractive any longer. If she suddenly wanted to sex me up tomorrow, I'd honestly say no. I've done the counseling, I've worked on myself, I know who I am and what I want in life. A life full of intimacy and being with someone who appreciates me and that I love with all my heart in return were at the top of my list. I filed for divorce about a month ago and honestly it feels like a huge relief. My kids are still reeling a bit, but I know in time they will adjust. Ask yourself why you really stay and are you really happy. Can you honestly live the rest of your life like this? Once you make the decision that you aren't happy and are going to get out of this sexless relationship to ultimately allow yourself to be happy for the rest of your life, it's very liberating. I am sure there will be some bumps along my journey, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I've taken control of my life again. My refuser is not going to dictate my happiness any longer.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 22, 2021 23:35:53 GMT -5
Funny, that's the exact thing she's accused me of. Rather ironic isn't it? It is!! That's the second time I have read that!! But her behavior speaks volumes. She's doing exactly what she was accusing you of doing. She sabotaged the M. She sees none of that which is the ironic part. She totally sat there through several years of marital counseling and told me I "needed to change", while she went off and pursued her hobbies, church, doted on the kids, etc. without doing anything I saw as tangible to fix our marriage or try to move closer to me. Two of her relatives even called me after I filed for divorce (both men) and told me they were upset about how she always treated me when we were around the whole family and just wanted me to know that. She blames me for everything and doesn't believe she had any part in the divorce. The silver lining in all of this is that I have done a lot of work on myself over the past two years. I've delved a lot into family of origin and why I am the way I am to understand more about who I am, what I need, what I can do to make myself more emotionally available to my next partner, improve communication, etc. so this doesn't happen again. I am very happy with who I am now and what I know about myself and what I have to offer to a potential partner. My wife sees none of the personal growth. I have a number of female friends who have told me not only am I not emotionally unavailable, I am most certainly not "broken" as my wife believes I am. Needless to say my sexless situation will be making a dramatic improvement in the near future, though with a different partner or partners.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 22, 2021 12:09:25 GMT -5
Interesting to go back and read this thread almost three years later and realize that, despite my best efforts, things never got better (they got worse actually) and I’ve since filed for divorce. Good things are on the horizon and I hope to be able to have some updates soon. So interesting. She seemed emotionally unavailable. Funny, that's the exact thing she's accused me of. Rather ironic isn't it?
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 19, 2021 15:52:02 GMT -5
Had a great lunch with my son today. He admitted that he knew things were off in our marriage, so the announcement didn't surprise him and he isn't angry, just disappointed. He is more worried about how his younger sisters are going to cope with it since he is off to college in a few months. I told him I wasn't going anywhere, that it wasn't their fault (the kids), that I wasn't going to talk bad about his mom and that I still loved her as their mom and what a good mom she is, that I wasn't going to put them (the kids) in the middle of this, and that I was trying to take the high road on everything to make this as painless as possible for everyone. I told him I wasn't angry with my wife, but that things just weren't working and that I struggled with my decision for years but it just created too much anxiety and stress for me in my life to live in an unhappy marriage where I constantly felt lonely.
He and I went over to see the apartment and he really liked it. So, things are OK with my son I think. I'll need to do the same thing with my girls at some point. He felt they would be fine as well after some time to adjust and I feel the same way.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 18, 2021 21:46:01 GMT -5
Sounds like you might need a follow-up visit just to get a recheck if she was sending you signs and you missed them. LOL
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 18, 2021 21:44:19 GMT -5
Dies anyone kniw if psychologists recommend telling kids or not telling them if in fact sexual brokenness is the reason for a divorce? I have no idea. Seems to me it needn't be a secret necessarily if you have older children who know what sex is, but what's the official recommendation? Well, my oldest is 17 and I'm still not sure I want to tell him. I don't want him thinking any less of his mom. She is his mom and I wouldn't want to do anything to change his opinion of her. I think I am going to try to leave the explanation as vanilla as possible in that we just weren't communicating effectively, weren't meeting each other's needs, and weren't happy and I didn't see it getting better after 4 1/2 years of counseling. It actually got worse. I have no problem admitting this to him. My wife (who claims she was "blindsided" by my divorce filing of all things) I am sure will probably never admit to the kids that she was unhappy also so she can preserve her perfect image she has in her mind of being the perfect wife and mother and a victim. I'm not gonna wreck that for my kids, but if they start blaming me or I sense anger from them toward me, I will have to be creative about how I explain the truth to not cause further damage.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 18, 2021 6:49:41 GMT -5
Well I am sorry to hear that. All you can do is work on your part of how you interact with them.
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