Post by northstarmom on Jun 20, 2018 9:27:49 GMT -5
Insightful article especially this as a reason to split up:.
”Disconnection due to serious personality differences
Sometimes it’s as simple as understanding that one partner really just wants out, or may be unwilling to acknowledge their part in the relationship’s downfall. Sometimes it even comes down to mental illness, like clinical narcissism (a personality disorder) that can block authentic connection with another person. The other partner in that relationship may cope with the narcissism by feeling angry, fearful, doubting themselves, or even becoming anxious, depressed, and feeling hopeless. And isn’t necessarily the fault of someone who suffers from a personality disorder; even if actions or words are intended to be hurtful, their condition truly inhibits connection beyond their control.
That’s a very clear-cut example. If the rejected partner simply accepts that someone with a narcissistic personality disorder lacks the empathy they need, then they can call it quits, get treatment for their depression, and look for a healthier relationship with someone else—a relationship that will bring joy and connection, not suffering.”
"We’re not in this work to save marriages and keep couples together no matter what. We’re in this work because we want to help people reveal the truth about their relationships and help them determine the best path forward—even if that means calling it quits and looking for a new partner that can meet their needs"
Post by flyingsolo on Jul 16, 2018 18:00:53 GMT -5
Agreed lonelywifey, that's what makes it so tough for me right now. I have days where I am very hopeful that my marriage can be fixed and we are just in a really bad sexless period caused by some underlying but fixable issues. I also have days where I believe it isn't going to be fixed because these issues have always been there under the surface for the bulk of the past fifteen years and by sticking around I am just prolonging the inevitable outcome. My wife and I are at polar opposites of what is important in intimacy right now. I need physical intimacy, she wants emotional intimacy, ideally we need both.
I've realized that I am a sexual being that needs physical intimacy if nothing else but to function normally, relieve stress, feel connected to someone, etc. (not to mention a whole host of other things that involve being with a partner who desires me, wants to share the sexual adventure with me, live out fantasies together, make each other feel great, etc.). I need emotional intimacy to feel like I am on the journey of life WITH someone rather than traveling alone but with someone else living in my house and helping to co-parent my kids.
On any given day, I seem to go back and forth between leaving and staying, ultimately hoping that staying and working it out fixes the problem, while at the same time trying not to think about all the great sex I am giving up by not leaving. No wonder I feel like I am going crazy some days. Interesting that we've all quoted different parts of the Gottman article. I found the following part very interesting when talking about whether they think that a couple will make it or not as a couple based on what they say about their marriage history:
"We can tell this through the oral history interview assessment technique. When we ask the couple to tell their “Story of Us”—how they met, some of their struggles, their most positive memories, what they believe to be true about their relationship—there may be a fair dose of negativity. But if the couple can glorify the struggle—that is, make light of the bad and deeply appreciate the good that came from it—then they can likely fix whatever’s wrong through effective interventions.
However, if that story is entirely negative, if even the positive memories of first becoming attracted, of first becoming intimate, etc. are absent or viewed negatively, then the couple will likely split or stay together but lead parallel, non-intersecting lives in which they do not trust one another and won’t feel connected. If you feel like you’re in the throes of negative sentiment override—if your switch is clearly off—you can work with a couples therapist to determine the best course of action."
Right now, I honestly feel like my wife is more negative about our relationship's history than I am. However, if I ask her she claims she is "hopeful" that it will be fixed. However, at the same time, we still aren't having sex and haven't in about a year and a half. To me, re-establishing that is a necessary step that needs to be taken to begin fixing things and she doesn't seem willing to take that step, at all, even after a year of marital counseling. This is one of the reasons I am thinking it may not be fixable.
Last Edit: Jul 16, 2018 18:05:31 GMT -5 by flyingsolo
You've been a member since February 2017 Brother flyingsolo .
I am figuring you would have read quite a number of other members posts, threads, comments etc. Probably hundreds I would imagine.
And, possibly as you read, you might think about a particular story - "well this looks like it's fucked".
So I've got a two part question for you. Part #1 - of the reading you have done in here over the last 17 months, have you seen any examples of ILIASM shitholes getting better ? Part #2 - what, essentially, is different about YOUR story, what sets YOUR story apart from the others in the membership ?
The idea behind the question is to try and take a step back from the personal picture and try and look at the situation objectively and dispassionately. To look at the facts.
Post by flyingsolo on Jul 17, 2018 14:50:35 GMT -5
Yikes, I've been here that long? Interesting question baza. Perhaps my story is different in a way in that I am partially to blame for the sexless marriage part and I'm willing to admit that. I was not emotionally available to my wife for a number of years. There are many reasons behind that - some are hers, some are mine. Bottom line, I am working on the cause for mine so that from my viewpoint to make myself a better person so I've either fixed myself for my marriage or my next serious relationship after my divorce. If I work to become more emotionally available to my wife and that doesn't fix the sexless marriage part, well I guess I have my answer that it really wasn't me it was her or our marriage was so damaged it couldn't be fixed. I, at one point in time, did have a pretty good sex life with my wife, and I am still hopeful at getting it back. To not at least give it a serious effort is giving up too easy.
To date, although we've been in counseling about a year, I realize that only for the past three or four months have I really been working on myself. Call me optimistic, but I am trying to see if it can be fixed. Other than the sex, and struggling with our emotional connection right now, we get along pretty well together. I see she is also working on some things. I've given myself a year to see how things progress. If I am sitting in the exact same spot a year from now, clearly it isn't working and it may be time to move on.
I realize my situation doesn't work for everyone and someone else in the exact same set of circumstances may choose a different path. I also realize that the facts are different in each case and no one has all the facts based on a forum post. That's exactly the reason I try not to judge anyone here or make a blanket determination that anyone's particular situation is "fucked". We all have choices we make and those choices impact the rest of our lives. Some choose to stay. Some choose to go. Right now, I stay for my kids and for myself to know that I tried everything I could to fix it before giving up and moving on.
That being written, you judge me and my situation how you will. I'm the only one here who has to live with my life and the consequences thereof so if I take a little extra time to make an informed decision, so be it.
Last Edit: Jul 17, 2018 15:14:39 GMT -5 by flyingsolo
solodriver: Happy Birthday shamwow!!
Oct 11, 2018 20:35:02 GMT -5
shynjdude: Andie seems to have deleted her account here. Hope she's OK.
Oct 12, 2018 9:41:52 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Oh, no! I hope she is okay...
Oct 12, 2018 15:31:30 GMT -5
solodriver: Maybe over what happened last weekend with the discussion board men vs. women
Oct 12, 2018 20:42:13 GMT -5
jetcity: Had to have my cat put down today. He was very old and he let us know it was time this morning. My wife went to visit her mother today So now It’s just me, the cats and dog and a couple cold beers. Now that’s a party right?
Oct 12, 2018 21:57:32 GMT -5
solodriver: So sorry jetcity, I've done that many times over the years, never gets any easier.
Oct 12, 2018 22:45:20 GMT -5
jetcity: I managed to create an avatar! The beard and mustache are kind of funky though.
Oct 12, 2018 23:30:07 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Welcome, dontstart! Feel free to post in the introduction thread; not many people see/use the shout box. Read and explore here, and hope you find us a helpful community.
Oct 14, 2018 10:41:21 GMT -5
caballotierra: Hey all, I setup a new account since my W figured out my login and was using my posts against me. Since we're going through divorce, I thought it would be safer to remove my old name. Although I feel attached to it.
Oct 15, 2018 16:12:30 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Oh, wow. Sorry that happened to you!
Oct 15, 2018 16:36:32 GMT -5
caballotierra: Does anyone know how to delete my old account? Right now, it's still searchable, which is a problem.
Oct 16, 2018 12:12:19 GMT -5
h: @andie left us ☹️ No more Grammar Queen.
Oct 22, 2018 12:15:27 GMT -5