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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 17, 2021 23:05:40 GMT -5
Well if she was telling you "dick" jokes, I think maybe she liked you and you missed your window of opportunity.......
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 17, 2021 23:03:49 GMT -5
So another quick update - my wife has been short and basically non-communicative with me. She still, after about three weeks, has not procured an attorney, which is holding up serving her the divorce papers, but that's about to change. She decided yesterday morning without us discussing it first that last night was when "I" was going to tell the kids that "I" had filed for divorce. While I had hoped that this was going to be a cooperative process for the benefit of our kids and to show a "united" front of sorts that we were both deciding together that we weren't happy, I see that she fully intends now to put the kids in the middle and make it very clear that I am the one breaking up the family (despite her withholding intimacy for a decade - which of course I can't tell them) because "I" wasn't happy. So she's gone the good parent bad parent route to make herself look good. Fine, I played her game and told the kids last night because I need to move forward. She sat there and did nothing other than give me dirty looks. The reactions ranged from my middle daughter sobbing, to my oldest (son) being angry. My youngest daughter, who I thought would take it hardest of all, actually gave me a big hug without crying and said "I'm sorry daddy. I'm sorry it didn't work out and I just want you and mommy to be happy, even if you aren't together". Tears man. So I have some work to do with my son. He seems to be taking it the hardest, but he's also almost "out of the nest" as he will be leaving for college this summer. Both of my daughters were happy and smiling this morning and seemed to be somewhat back to normal, so I think they are going to be fine. My wife, on the other hand, I am really going to have to watch. She's proven to me that she isn't going to cooperate and is going to end up making it more difficult on herself in the process as the way I handle her is going to change. I really tried to take the high road and will do so with my kids and with regard to my wife in front of my kids, but this woman is crazy and manipulative. Godspeed flyingsolo ! Slightly ahead of you and the alienation is in full swing here. It is fucking heartbreaking. Spend as much quality time with them as you can. Don’t talk bad about your ex, as much as she may deserve it. Also- might be a good idea to get close to your kids’ best friends’ parents ASAP if possible. My ex sure as hell seems to have used these alliances as weapons against me, among other covert tactics. They are teens. They don’t want to spend any time with me. They stay in their rooms every minute of my parenting time. Won’t even so much as go for a walk with me, unless I coerce them into it. Perhaps they would treat their mom the same way, but for one thing - she takes them to see their friends. We’re talking parties. Ski trips. Dungeons and dragons matches that go on for hours. The works. Last month, they asked to be picked up 8 ours early to go to a friend party with mom. I said OK. 2 weeks later: same thing. “Can we go to another party?” “OK I’m going to take you this time” “No way dad! That would be totally awkward. You were never that close to them.” “I was close to them. I picked up O. Every week from church. Etc. etc.” “No Dad it’s too weird.” “T’s dad got a divorce. Both T’s divorced parents came to our house for the Halloween party and I was glad his dad came. I had a good time and I think he did too.” “Yeah but T has a good relationship with his dad.” “How do you know that? Does T talk to you about his dad?” “No.” “Do you talk to T about me?” “No.” “You don’t know a thing about his relationship with his dad, do you?” “No. But you can’t take us. That would be soooo awkward.” “OK Your asking for a whole day of my parenting time. Again. If I don’t take you, you’re not going.” So they stayed in their rooms, more distant than ever. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Get close to their friends and friends parents, man. Just do it. Right now. So here's a quick idea - why not ask them what it would take to have a better relationship with them? Take them out to dinner. Get them out of their rooms and away from their phones. I don't envision having that problem with my kids, so I hope that doesn't happen. I kinda feel like our quality time will actually improve once I am out of the house and have my own place.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 17, 2021 23:00:33 GMT -5
flyingsolo - my son was not happy with me when I informed him I was leaving my M. He was away at school and I made a special trip to talk to him. At the time, my h was in full denial. I told my son anyway upon the advice of my therapist. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He needed time to process the news. He eventually accepted it and even told me months later that he understood why I needed to leave. (I also gave the reason that I was unhappy). These guys understand more than we think they do. Give your son time to process and be available to him should he want to discuss things further. An invitation to a guys only dinner or ice cream might also be a good idea, if he is receptive. Yes, I texted him this morning about having lunch with me on Friday, just him and I and he said he would like that, so that's already in the works.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 17, 2021 17:37:38 GMT -5
Funny story - not funny at the time, but I can laugh about it now. I was in the shower and noticed a lump in the tube leading to one of my testicles about a year ago, so I had to schedule a doctor visit. My dad died of prostate and colon cancer, so that's one thing I don't want to screw around with if something is out of the ordinary. First I had to get through the initial exam of a (very male) doctor squeezing on my junk, who then told me I needed an ultrasound of my testicle. Fast forward to a few weeks later when a very attractive (female) nurse is alone with me in the exam room putting warm gel and then running an ultrasound machine on my "stuff". All I could keep thinking to myself was "Don't pop a boner! Don't pop a boner!". That was the longest 15 minutes of my life. Thankfully it was just a cyst and with some medication it went away. Always awkward when reproductive parts are involved and you get a member of the opposite sex.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 17, 2021 11:50:02 GMT -5
So another quick update - my wife has been short and basically non-communicative with me. She still, after about three weeks, has not procured an attorney, which is holding up serving her the divorce papers, but that's about to change. She decided yesterday morning without us discussing it first that last night was when "I" was going to tell the kids that "I" had filed for divorce. While I had hoped that this was going to be a cooperative process for the benefit of our kids and to show a "united" front of sorts that we were both deciding together that we weren't happy, I see that she fully intends now to put the kids in the middle and make it very clear that I am the one breaking up the family (despite her withholding intimacy for a decade - which of course I can't tell them) because "I" wasn't happy. So she's gone the good parent bad parent route to make herself look good. Fine, I played her game and told the kids last night because I need to move forward. She sat there and did nothing other than give me dirty looks. The reactions ranged from my middle daughter sobbing, to my oldest (son) being angry. My youngest daughter, who I thought would take it hardest of all, actually gave me a big hug without crying and said "I'm sorry daddy. I'm sorry it didn't work out and I just want you and mommy to be happy, even if you aren't together". Tears man.
So I have some work to do with my son. He seems to be taking it the hardest, but he's also almost "out of the nest" as he will be leaving for college this summer. Both of my daughters were happy and smiling this morning and seemed to be somewhat back to normal, so I think they are going to be fine. My wife, on the other hand, I am really going to have to watch. She's proven to me that she isn't going to cooperate and is going to end up making it more difficult on herself in the process as the way I handle her is going to change. I really tried to take the high road and will do so with my kids and with regard to my wife in front of my kids, but this woman is crazy and manipulative.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 16, 2021 7:52:42 GMT -5
Interesting to go back and read this thread almost three years later and realize that, despite my best efforts, things never got better (they got worse actually) and I’ve since filed for divorce. Good things are on the horizon and I hope to be able to have some updates soon.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 10, 2021 17:34:12 GMT -5
I wouldn't necessarily describe ours as bad at the beginning nor really bad at the end (we originally did have a pretty good sex life), but I think somewhere along the way she lost the desire to continue to make our marriage work and when she quit caring I quit caring and putting in the effort. I was still going to marriage counseling even a bit after she quit and refused to go back. Shortly after that happened, I lost my desire to keep trying because I knew my wife was never going to be what I needed in a partner to have a successful marriage and she had no desire at restarting intimacy or sex. I had no desire to stay in a marriage where we were just waiting for our youngest to leave the nest for college. That's seven more years of my life and intimacy that I would be giving up. Those seven years are going to be incredible if I spend them with the right woman.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 9, 2021 20:00:57 GMT -5
So here's a quick one for you. I've had two of her family members call me in the last 24 hours after I filed for divorce (her brother and her favorite male cousin) and both have told me independently, without consulting with each other, that neither one of them agreed with how she treated me around the family, that she was rude and cut me down at times for no reason. Guess what? That happened all the time, not just at family functions. Try living with that every day when you provide for your family and your wife stays home. Both of them said they understood why I filed, that I would always be a part of the family, and that they completely respected who I was. Neither of them was aware of the complete lack of intimacy.
I AM NOT second guessing my decision to file for divorce in the slightest. When her own brother and her favorite cousin basically call me and tell me I made the right decision given the circumstances, what's that tell you about what I was dealing with in my marriage?
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 9, 2021 1:11:44 GMT -5
A quick update - I believe my wife has finally gotten things in gear on her end and went to see an attorney this morning. She told me she was leaving this morning and I asked her where she was going. "Out" was all she offered, which tells me she was meeting with her attorney. I am not sure why this is such a big secret she feels she needs to keep. I am the one that filed and I told her I had an attorney. I have no issues if she is meeting with her attorney and I encouraged her to do so. She is actually holding up the parenting agreement and my move out date by not moving faster to engage an attorney, so I am actually happy she finally did so.
She continues to pick at things and attempt to start fights, but I am no longer playing her game. I don't engage anymore on those attempts and I am staying out of her circus. My friend has a saying "Not my monkey, not my circus" and I am working hard to stay out of her attempts at conflict. She actually told her brother the other day that I filed for divorce and then when her brother called me yesterday to check in on me (we have a good relationship) and let me know that his sister told him about me filing for divorce, she actually accused me of being the one that told him and got all pissy about that also. I was like "Really? You are the one that told him when he called you. Remember?!?" She got really quiet after that.
So, welcome to Crazytown! Even given all that, I have NO regrets about filing and those of you choosing to stay in your sexless marriages should take note at what a liberating feeling it is to be able to tell your refuser that you aren't going to tolerate their behavior any more and give them all the power over your happiness. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. I am heading over to the apartment development tomorrow to pick out my actual unit that I want and then I can start looking for furniture, etc. I am still trying to be very respectful of my wife as I know this will be a big change for her, but damn she is making it tough with the games she is playing and the stuff we talk about that she then has no recollection of.
On a side note, my special friend and I have continue to talk but only virtually. As you recall, she lives 500 miles away. I have plans to go see her for my birthday later this summer and also celebrate her birthday with her in August. By then, I should be moved out and much more free to explore a new relationship and whatever that entails. My attorney is well aware of this new potential relationship and is happy for me and has encouraged me to pursue it after my move out since I have already filed. I will do so discretely and cautiously but will enjoy being chased by a beautiful women who is interested in all facets of me (including intimacy) and vice versa. I will post more updates as I have them.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 8, 2021 22:18:08 GMT -5
Have not had intercorae in two years. Wife says sje is working towards making it happen. Not sure how I will react or respond if the day ever comes. I want it but not really sure since it has been so long. There are two ways to go here: 1.). You love your spouse and want to work it out. If you are here, insist on seeing a good counselor or sex therapist and coming up with a definitive plan and a goal to fix it right away. Your spouse will never fix it on their own and this will go on for years more if it’s already gone on for two years. Honestly, If she really wanted to have sex with you, she would have already done it. 2.). You don’t see fixing your intimacy and sexual relations with your spouse. If this is the case, begin looking at your options and start planning your out. Full disclosure, I stayed in a sexless marriage for a decade and watched my wife prioritize our kids and later church over our marriage, yet it was always “my fault”. She regularly criticized and was constantly negative even after 4 years of marital counseling. Late February marked four years since I’d even seen my wife naked, much less gotten a passionate kiss or had sex with her. I realized I wasn’t the issue and couldn’t do it anymore. Life is short and we all deserve to be happy. In mid February I filed for divorce and it’s a huge weight off. Talk about an emotional relief!!!!! I can’t wait to get my own place and start making myself happy rather than letting her drag me down. I’ve joined a gym, done some counseling sessions and even have a potential new love interest that is willing to wait until I am physically and emotionally available for her. Things are looking up on all fronts. Sure it will cost me financially, but why stay in a marriage that causes stress and unhappiness? Kids will understand that it just wasn’t working and will want their mom and dad to be happy, even if it ultimately isn’t together.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 3, 2021 21:58:09 GMT -5
Ya, so far other than yesterday, things have been pretty calm, although it was one of my kid's birthdays today. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I think I have my apartment nailed down. It would be nice for my kids to be able to see it to before I make a final decision, but I need to keep moving forward and we haven't told them yet.
I have told my wife I have no plan to make it adversarial and that I want her to have a chance to be happy in the future with someone as well. Her life will change though, but a big part of that is because she made no effort to work with me to try to save our marriage, even when I asked her to go back with me to a new counselor. That's on her, not me. I know I did all I could, and now I am choosing to be happy rather than lonely.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 3, 2021 12:25:22 GMT -5
flyingsolo - The first step is always the hardest. You did it. The rest will be difficult but manageable. Your W will likely go through a lot of different emotions. Be prepared for that. I’m sure you’ve talked to your lawyer about your plans to move to an apartment? It’ll be important not to move out of the house until you’ve made sure your W cannot make an issue over abandonment. There’s really no telling how she will respond in the days and months to come. You’ll need to look out for yourself while at the same time being fair to her. Good Luck! Yes, the one thing we have to do before I can move out is agree on a parenting arrangement in writing to avoid any abandonment claim. The interesting thing is on Monday night when I told her I had filed for divorce, she asked me to move out "sooner rather than later". So, already having an apartment in mind, I had a refundable security deposit down on one a few weeks ago as I knew this was coming. I told her I had a place in mind and moving out when we were ready wasn't an issue. On Tuesday I sent her my attorney's contact info and also let her know I had an apartment lined up and was prepared to sign a lease by the end of the month to start leasing in early April. I need to do so to avoid losing the three bedroom apartment, which is the only one open in this complex at the moment. I love it because it also comes with a two car garage and is big enough to feel like home for my kids when they are with me also. At the bottom of that email I also gave her my proposal for a parenting time agreement, which was very lenient and flexible in her favor and I told her I'd work with her to make sure the kids could come and go as they felt they needed to and within her schedule. My attorney blessed the verbiage before I emailed it to my wife. On Tuesday after I sent it, my wife called me all pissed off about "Why the rush to move out??? We didn't discuss this. What all this stuff on the bottom about parenting rights? Did you mean to send that?" I literally rehashed our conversation from Monday night with her word for word and told her that she was the one that asked me to move out "sooner rather than later so our son could get used to the new living arrangements before he went off to college". Her words exactly. She claims she has no recollection at all of that conversation and thinks I am making it up. Point of note - this is one of the biggest issues I have with her - she doesn't hear me or only hears what she wants to hear. Bottom line, whether I move in to my apartment sometime in April or not, I am signing the lease so I don't lose it. It would be a perfect place to live as I transition away from married life.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 2, 2021 12:30:45 GMT -5
Hi Gang. Just a quick update. I filed for divorce and it was accepted by the court on Monday after we got back from our family vacation last week. I was originally going to tell my wife this Wednesday, but the stress was really weighing me so I ended up catching her during a window last night while she was alone without the kids and told her that I had filed for divorce. She was shocked/stunned at first and a bit angry but ultimately admitted she wasn't surprised (and I'm not really sure how she could be given the sexual desert we've been in). After a frank but civil discussion about how disconnected we are and have been for the past decade and that we are actually further apart now than we were when we started marital counseling 4 1/2 years ago, she asked me if I was moving out and I told her "at some point yes". She asked if I would move out sooner rather than later to give our oldest child time to adjust to new living arrangements before he goes off to college in the fall. I am OK moving out sooner rather than later as it allows me to get adjusted to living alone for half the week and allows me to start my new life and adjust to my new normal.
I've already found a brand new luxury three bedroom apartment with a two car garage literally 30 seconds from my office (yes I timed it driveway to driveway). I put a security deposit down on it last week and I am looking at it again tomorrow to get some dimensions to start getting furniture, etc. so I can sign my lease which begins in early April. I may not move out by then, but at least I will have a place to go that I can start getting ready to be my new home. I don't plan on taking much from my marital home in the way of furniture as I really want a fresh start and to be able to make my new "home" what I want it to be for me and my kids.
Although these two hurdles (filing for divorce and then telling my wife I filed) were tough, I feel way better about my future now. I still have three big hurdles left (telling my kids, moving out, and finalizing said divorce), but I am hoping that my wife is willing to be civil about the process. I've reassured her that I have no desire for it to become adversarial and that if ends up that way, it won't be because of me.
I am on the way to ending my sexless marriage, though honestly it wasn't the outcome I was originally hoping for. Along the way, I've learned a lot more about who I am and what I need to be happy. I ultimately realized during that process that as a physical touch and words of affirmation person, I wasn't getting either from my wife and probably never would. Faced with living in that environment forever or being willing to sacrifice some of the "comforts" I was used to (living in a big house, seeing my kids every day, etc.), I decided I was willing to sacrifice some things to find the loving relationship with someone that I need that is both emotionally and sexually rewarding. I believe I have found that person as detailed in some of my earlier posts, but I will not act on that until the divorce process is in full swing and the majority of the big items are settled. Then I will allow myself to enjoy the company of another woman and make up for lost time.
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 21, 2021 15:53:37 GMT -5
Thanks shamwow. I know it will be a roller coaster, especially for my kids, but I am at peace with my decision and do feel like I have my shit together as well as I can at this point. I found an apartment/condo complex I really like 30 seconds from my office (literally, I timed it driveway to driveway last week). I can see myself living there for awhile and it's big enough for my kids to be comfortable there to. I put a deposit down last week.
I've signed the divorce filing paperwork and my attorney is just waiting on my go-ahead to file it on Friday. I will have to tell my wife next Monday that I've filed. I think she will be surprised, but this can't be completely unexpected for her. We've been limping along for a decade in a marriage that has no intimacy. She's the one that wanted counseling and the counseling has failed to save the marriage, but it woke me up to what I am really missing in my life - intimacy, happiness, companionship, adventure, passion, a future together and last but not least, GREAT SEX! I will have none of that if I stay in my marriage and I want ALL of it. My friend, once I am ready, looks very promising in terms of providing all of these missing pieces for me and with me. We both agree that we can see a bright future and are willing to be 100% open and honest if we move forward together.
I am about to leave for the family trip (my kids and wife have already left but I had to work today so I am driving up separately). I'll spend the three hours talking to my friend. We have great conversations and the drive will go by in no-time. Then, I'll enjoy my last "family vacation" for awhile and wade into the shit storm of divorce next week. Wish me luck.
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 16, 2021 12:02:00 GMT -5
Apocrypha , you bring up some good points. And it is great that everyone shared their experience and it is good that this is not an echo chamber. He has many POVs I didn't think it was a good idea because he was attracted to her when he was young. We tend to attract people that which we had challenges within our same families. They usually mirror the parent we were having challenges with, usually unresolved and we take on our same family role. If it applies. I attracted a mate that says no rather easily as my mom did or lacking compromise. I am sure a lot of you can relate. What bothered me was they were friends socially on the internet for several years, friends not really communicating too often until...I wondered why they didn't hit it off again and become besties right away? That seemed odd to me that she waited to pick up the friendship, or maybe not odd at all. Maybe she just realized what a match they are. Surely she knows she is interrupting a marriage bad or not. She asked him for sexual advice then later a Zoom call. His W says he is emotionally unavailable, but then won't agree to talk. WOW Doesn't really matter they are spending 3-5 hrs Face Timing not likely to stop for now. Wonder what the therapist thinks? I think it is very respectful that FS is considering his W and wants to talk to her. To clarify, we weren't "friends on the internet". We didn't talk, at all, for 25 years, no Facebook, no phone calls, no nothing. Literally, zero contact while we lived our own lives. I would not have felt right continuing to carry on a correspondence relationship with an ex-partner while married to my wife. I've been in the sexless part of my marriage for about ten years. It's been absolutely sexless for over six years. I've been in marital counseling for the past four trying to save it. Over the last three years, until about two months ago, my friend and I talked maybe five or six times on the phone. The interval started out as one call about every six months and the first call started after I lost my dad in order to encourage her to try to rebuild her relationship with her dad, which I knew was strained. That's pretty much all we talked about. The next few calls were every three months or so just to check in. At the time I still thought she was married, but she revealed on our second or third call that she had been divorced for several years. It led me to ask a bunch of questions about the demise of her marriage and we connected on many similar things that happened in both our marriages. From there, the calls became more frequent just to check in on each other and were not of a real intimate nature other than checking in on each other to make sure we were doing OK. This wasn't because we weren't connecting and I wasn't interested in her, but rather I was still keeping her at arm's length as I was still uncertain about my marriage. It's only when we started to have a Zoom call about once a week a month or so ago that a spark happened and we both realized that we are very attracted to each other and wanted to see where this all went. She still looks great 25 years later and she feels the same about me. We didn't "hit it off" because I was married and trying to save my marriage and knew I couldn't "go there" or risk an emotional affair so I really avoided disclosing anything too personal or talking to her too frequently. However, over the last three months, I've realized I won't save my marriage. My wife point blank refuses to go see my new counselor. I've gone anyway. My wife has succinctly stated "we are not lovers". We've both agreed we "can't keep doing this for another year". My wife and I are squarely in the friend zone and I hope we can stay there because I do love my wife as the mother of my children however I am no longer "in love" with my wife and I have no desire for physical intimacy with her anymore. We sleep in separate beds and separate rooms and have for more than two years. All this turmoil in my marriage has caused me to decide that I won't save it. I've seen an attorney three times over the past two and a half years to weigh my options. That third time was yesterday. When I told her I had met someone she was ecstatic for me. She literally said "Good for you! I was worried about you!". She knows my sexless marriage situation and how long it has gone on. She pushed me to file for divorce two and a half years ago. I waited, still thinking we could do the work to save it. That won't happen. I see my attorney on Thursday to put a retainer down and review my divorce filing. My wife has a family trip planned for next week and I am going to go on the trip and enjoy the last potential "family vacation" with my kids. I know my wife and I will be sleeping in separate rooms. I know there will be no intimacy between us, but I'll go anyway to spend time with my kids and enjoy one last somewhat normal vacation with all of us there. When I return home, I'll file for divorce and let my wife know I've filed and we'll see where that path leads with her. Again, I am really hoping it is a relief for her as well and that we can talk about how we move forward to take care of our kids and co-parent as rational adults. She deserves to be with someone that makes her happy and that she connects with on a intimacy level just as much as I do. However, I also have to be prepared for the other option where she becomes angry and vindictive. I may end up staying in the house several more months. I may end up moving out in a month. I don't know where my path leads yet, but time will tell and I can't worry about what I can't control. My friend will remain on the sidelines while I grieve for my marriage and get to a place where I can be 100% available for her. Once I have my feet back under me and my own place, we'll see where it goes from there. We've both said we are willing to wait to get that figured out, so there's no rush, but there is potentially a very bright light for me at the end of this dark tunnel I've been in for so long.
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