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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 21, 2018 17:53:39 GMT -5
Why not join Meetup and find some groups in your area that you are interested in? There's pretty much a group for everything if you live near a major metropolitan area and if there isn't, you can start one. I just discovered it myself and may check it out. Of course, I'm still married and won't be looking to hook up with anyone, but I'm considering it to make some new friends at this point and get out there a bit more.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 21, 2018 17:38:14 GMT -5
She mentioned the other day "You seem to be looking for an excuse to leave our marriage." I believe I already have my excuse do I not?
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 21, 2018 17:13:08 GMT -5
Honestly, I've stopped initiating at this point. She's usually in bed by 10 in another bedroom. The subject of our lack of a sex life came up again during a walk the other night. She apparently just wants to go out and have fun together and "date" and talk about other people's problems and completely ignore the fact that our marriage is sexless and not talk about it. Whenever I raise the issue (and I've tried to raise it very politely that I am deeply concerned about it) she gets angry. During the walk I'd finally had enough. She basically yelled (nice and loud so all the neighbors could hear), "What you just wanna go fuck? Is that what you want, for me to fuck you? Fine!" At least I felt like I was getting somewhere....angry sex can be good right?
Sadly no sex thereafter. Maybe for the better? I told her "I guess we're done then". We haven't spoken about it since, yet went out Friday night and actually had a nice time, but again, no sex. Very bizarre times I'm living in.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 20, 2018 15:03:20 GMT -5
Or or or, you could completely say "Screw it, you only live once", dress in your most confidence inspiring man killer outfit, and make an appointment with him to see what happens..... If he starts your appointment with "Haven't seen you in a long time or How have you been?" you will know he at least remembers you and may be interested in you. If he doesn't and acts like it is a first visit for a new patient, then I doubt the feelings were mutual because he doesn't remember you. In my mind (and this is "man brain" talking), you don't forget women you were attracted to, even if it's been a few years since you've seen them. If he does remember you, you can always strike up a friendly conversation and see where it goes, ask him about his family life, etc. in pleasant conversation while finding out some basic facts. It might get to the point where you can imply that you are interested in him, but if the conversation doesn't go that route or he seems happily married, you leave yourself an out without having to put your feelings out there only to be rebuffed. Of course you can also do some cyber sleuthing to see if he is married (Facebook, check his professional profile on his practice website - sometimes they mention the person has a spouse, kids, etc. and what they do in their free time regarding hobbies, etc.). I also do forensic investigations and it's amazing what you can find out for free if you are willing to do a little digging. Maybe he's involved with a charity, etc. and you could "conveniently" show up at their next event, etc.? Keep in mind that if he is happily married and you pursue it further, you are pushing into territory that gets dicey and might end up with a restraining order . Just my two cents.....
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 17, 2018 14:50:35 GMT -5
Yikes, I've been here that long? Interesting question baza. Perhaps my story is different in a way in that I am partially to blame for the sexless marriage part and I'm willing to admit that. I was not emotionally available to my wife for a number of years. There are many reasons behind that - some are hers, some are mine. Bottom line, I am working on the cause for mine so that from my viewpoint to make myself a better person so I've either fixed myself for my marriage or my next serious relationship after my divorce. If I work to become more emotionally available to my wife and that doesn't fix the sexless marriage part, well I guess I have my answer that it really wasn't me it was her or our marriage was so damaged it couldn't be fixed. I, at one point in time, did have a pretty good sex life with my wife, and I am still hopeful at getting it back. To not at least give it a serious effort is giving up too easy.
To date, although we've been in counseling about a year, I realize that only for the past three or four months have I really been working on myself. Call me optimistic, but I am trying to see if it can be fixed. Other than the sex, and struggling with our emotional connection right now, we get along pretty well together. I see she is also working on some things. I've given myself a year to see how things progress. If I am sitting in the exact same spot a year from now, clearly it isn't working and it may be time to move on.
I realize my situation doesn't work for everyone and someone else in the exact same set of circumstances may choose a different path. I also realize that the facts are different in each case and no one has all the facts based on a forum post. That's exactly the reason I try not to judge anyone here or make a blanket determination that anyone's particular situation is "fucked". We all have choices we make and those choices impact the rest of our lives. Some choose to stay. Some choose to go. Right now, I stay for my kids and for myself to know that I tried everything I could to fix it before giving up and moving on.
That being written, you judge me and my situation how you will. I'm the only one here who has to live with my life and the consequences thereof so if I take a little extra time to make an informed decision, so be it.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 16, 2018 18:00:53 GMT -5
Agreed lonelywifey, that's what makes it so tough for me right now. I have days where I am very hopeful that my marriage can be fixed and we are just in a really bad sexless period caused by some underlying but fixable issues. I also have days where I believe it isn't going to be fixed because these issues have always been there under the surface for the bulk of the past fifteen years and by sticking around I am just prolonging the inevitable outcome. My wife and I are at polar opposites of what is important in intimacy right now. I need physical intimacy, she wants emotional intimacy, ideally we need both.
I've realized that I am a sexual being that needs physical intimacy if nothing else but to function normally, relieve stress, feel connected to someone, etc. (not to mention a whole host of other things that involve being with a partner who desires me, wants to share the sexual adventure with me, live out fantasies together, make each other feel great, etc.). I need emotional intimacy to feel like I am on the journey of life WITH someone rather than traveling alone but with someone else living in my house and helping to co-parent my kids.
On any given day, I seem to go back and forth between leaving and staying, ultimately hoping that staying and working it out fixes the problem, while at the same time trying not to think about all the great sex I am giving up by not leaving. No wonder I feel like I am going crazy some days. Interesting that we've all quoted different parts of the Gottman article. I found the following part very interesting when talking about whether they think that a couple will make it or not as a couple based on what they say about their marriage history:
"We can tell this through the oral history interview assessment technique. When we ask the couple to tell their “Story of Us”—how they met, some of their struggles, their most positive memories, what they believe to be true about their relationship—there may be a fair dose of negativity. But if the couple can glorify the struggle—that is, make light of the bad and deeply appreciate the good that came from it—then they can likely fix whatever’s wrong through effective interventions.
However, if that story is entirely negative, if even the positive memories of first becoming attracted, of first becoming intimate, etc. are absent or viewed negatively, then the couple will likely split or stay together but lead parallel, non-intersecting lives in which they do not trust one another and won’t feel connected. If you feel like you’re in the throes of negative sentiment override—if your switch is clearly off—you can work with a couples therapist to determine the best course of action."
Right now, I honestly feel like my wife is more negative about our relationship's history than I am. However, if I ask her she claims she is "hopeful" that it will be fixed. However, at the same time, we still aren't having sex and haven't in about a year and a half. To me, re-establishing that is a necessary step that needs to be taken to begin fixing things and she doesn't seem willing to take that step, at all, even after a year of marital counseling. This is one of the reasons I am thinking it may not be fixable.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 13, 2018 16:04:00 GMT -5
elkclan2 - I suspect that most people here highly value sex as a bonding agent, which is why most people don't consider affairs a suitable replacement for sex in the marital bed. (they may have an affair but do it knowing it is a compromise for what they want) So most people here would treat sex as synonymous with touch. But not necessarily always true. Interesting. It is definitely a bonding experience for me, I would describe sex for me as the closest thing I get to religion. It’s very hard to just transfer that to an affair. Is that because you scream "Oh God!" when you have an orgasm?
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 12, 2018 12:23:57 GMT -5
One of the criticism's of Maslow's model is that sex is supposedly not a basic need I'm confused. It is listed at the bottom of the pyramid, the foundation, along with food clothing and shelter. That appears to make it a basic need. Which I believe it to be (for most people, not all). Don't get me wrong, it's a basic need for me just not for my wife.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 12, 2018 12:18:11 GMT -5
Not offended as I don't live in Flint. However, I'll be in the Chicago area in a few weeks, so watch your back just in case.....LOL
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 11, 2018 21:01:32 GMT -5
Wow. Now all of a sudden, the Chicago contingent represents. I'd say there's something in the water, but we aren't Flint. Watch out as the Michigan contingent, which so far seems to just be me, might take offense to that comment andie.....
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 11, 2018 19:35:17 GMT -5
Have him read the book "Attached". Either his light will come on after that and he will realize he is avoidant or he won't. At that point he's either going to start working on himself or you have your answer.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 10, 2018 18:32:56 GMT -5
I will also add that someone recently told me a story about going on a business trip while they were having problems in their marriage. She ended up cheating with a guy who was a mutual business contact of her husband and several co-workers. This guy had been flirting with her on and off over a year on other business trips where they ended up in the same place and she finally gave in after a big fight with her husband. Needless to say, the husband found out through the grapevine and they ended up divorced and it caused issues with her employment and business contacts since they ultimately found out what she did. Tread lightly....
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 10, 2018 18:28:47 GMT -5
Case by case basis I suppose, but I think I would be flattered, particularly if I was also attracted to this person. If you were single and this person that you were dealing with on a professional level wasn't an employee of the same company you are nor involved with any of your other co-workers at said company AND didn't have the ability to make your employment and/or professional life hell should your budding relationship eventually go astray, I would say there is more of a green light to proceed with caution. This assumes you are single. If you are married the stakes are much higher, especially if your spouse finds out.
On a personal level, my single, attractive executive assistant, who is female (and very sexual), flirts with me in ways I think my wife would be very upset about but I have never crossed the line for two reasons:
1.) I'm married and still trying to see if my marriage can be saved 2.) I'm the boss and don't dip my pen in company ink.
However, I know things about my assistant that no one else knows including what she likes sexually, etc. She knows things about me as well. We hang out at the office after work some Fridays, have beers and shoot the shit for a few hours but have never crossed the line. Ironically, when we hung out a few weeks ago we both jokingly signed a mutual statement after a few beers that we would "never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever repeat anything the other told us in confidence".
That being written, were I single and were she to give me signs that she wanted to take care of my "needs" after being in a sexless marriage for the better part of five years, I would really have to force myself not to go there. Too many bad things can happen.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 9, 2018 18:05:09 GMT -5
It’s sad, really. Don’t get me wrong - some stories are chilling. However, this reduces the work-place boinking pool to douchebags and dumbasses. Unintended consequences for a place most sexually active people spend the majority of their waking hours. Oy Vey. Work-place boinking pool. LOL
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 9, 2018 16:52:33 GMT -5
Michigan, the mitten part, right about here (pointing at palm of right hand).
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