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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 3, 2018 14:37:27 GMT -5
Just happened to meet with an attorney yesterday here in my state in the Midwest just to get an idea of what a divorce might look like. Mine would be brutal in terms of cost. With regard to fault, my attorney indicated that my state is a no fault state, so no reason needs to be given for the cause of the divorce (and she indicated that most good attorneys won't put the reason into the divorce record to protect the parties unless someone is trying to make a point). The impact an affair can have here in my state is to cause the party having the affair to have to reimburse assets to the marital estate that were spent on the affair. (i.e. if you are taking your AP on a vacation, buying them gifts, etc., you may have to reimburse these funds and/or your share of the divorce award may be reduced by the amounts that you spent going outside the marriage). I guess the message is that you if are going to have an AP, find one that doesn't have expensive taste or has their own resources.
I was also told that here in my state, if you choose to go the divorce route, continue to live the life you were living before the divorce. Don't spend extravagantly, don't transfer assets out of the marital estate, don't go crazy, etc.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 3, 2018 12:39:19 GMT -5
I've thought about taking mine off but still haven't. Still working on fixing things.....we shall see.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 2, 2018 19:45:35 GMT -5
Maybe a chastity belt hat? Wouldn't do much for keeping the sun off your face, but I think people would get the message.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 2, 2018 19:22:13 GMT -5
I suppose a "Victim of SM" shirt would be too obvious?
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 2, 2018 18:32:51 GMT -5
surfergirl , if there's an issue you'd prefer not being critiqued about, you might just mention that in your post. For example something like "I realize that it may sound unusual that we haven't told our children, but that's our choice a d we have our reasons, so please don't critique me about that. However, what's your opinion on (insert critique-able issue here)? Does that make sense? I think most people would honor that boundary here. And it might make you feel more comfortable. She did, back on June 28th in the post.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 22, 2018 11:45:03 GMT -5
So, I was having an rather involved discussion with my wife last night, which is rare these days. We have been together for 23 years, married 19 of those, virtually sexless for probably that last 6 or 7 years and completely sexless for the past 16 months. She essentially admitted for the past 15+ years that she has not been emotionally connected to me. In the same conversation she also admitted that she still loves me very much. What?
How is that possible ladies? Can you actually love your spouse "very much", but have no emotional connection with them? Isn't love an emotion shared between two people? Is that something that sounds like it is fixable? I'm not even sure how to respond to that revelation but my gut is telling me that just ratcheted up the odds of separating a few notches.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 19, 2018 16:24:43 GMT -5
Any advice or ideas on how to have some female friends with a jealous wife? Here's my scientific analysis, all highly speculative mind you: 1.) Throw a big party. 2.) Invite all your female friends. 3.) Involve alcohol. 4.) See what happens. It might solve your sexless marriage problem one way or another.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 15, 2018 14:37:08 GMT -5
I will be honest that for ME, being friends with members of the opposite sex is iffy. In my situation, I have many friends both female and male but most of the male friends are part of a couple and when we get together it's as couples instead of one-on-one. But the multiple times I *have* been alone with one of those male friends there was definite sexual chemistry. Even in (what I thought was) purely platonic friendships with guys in the past has turned into me being hit on at times. But reading obobfla 's comment makes me think that it must be possible, it's just that both friends really must have ONLY friendship on the mind for it to work and in my experience, that has not been the case. I think we need one of your stories about being alone with one of your male friends and what you would do if you could......
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 15, 2018 14:33:42 GMT -5
I am not judging anyone and this is solely my own opinion. I truly struggle with using the word "acceptance" to describe my situation and by using that word, one seems to be resigned to one's fate for the rest of one's life. Life is too short. Living an unhappy life for the sake of someone else is no way to live and I have made a promise to myself that long-term I will endeavor to find happiness with someone who will be in love with me, share the adventure of life, and the joy of sex and intimacy. I have faith that that woman is out there. Whether that person is my wife remains to be seen.
I may currently "tolerate" the fact that my wife appears to be choosing (consciously or unconsciously) to make our marriage sexless at this point, but I don't accept it. Honestly, it hurts and angers me greatly, but I choose to focus on the more positive aspects of our marriage while waiting to see if she is going to come around while "working on herself". During the time, I am also working on myself to try to be more emotionally connected to my wife and kids and to be home more, so I am not just sitting around biding my time. I tolerate it currently because at the moment, it is the lesser of the two evils and we are currently still in counseling trying to repair some things we should have repaired long ago. Honestly, at this point my marriage is not irretrievably broken, which is why I stay and continue to work toward a better tomorrow. It isn't all bad, and because of that, I tolerate it for now. I do love my wife and, if certain things were to resume, I could honestly probably say I was in love with my wife again. However, I don't "accept" this as a long-term solution, merely a means to an end, one way or another. The status quo is not acceptable for me. Again, this is my opinion on my situation only.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 15, 2018 11:50:34 GMT -5
Just wanted to take a quick minute and wish all the dads out there a Happy Fathers' Day since I won't be around this weekend. This Fathers' Day is especially tough for me as I lost my dad two months ago so this is my first Fathers' Day without him. Although my dad and I weren't as close as we would have liked to have been, we were working on things when he passed. If you still have your dad in your life, make sure you tell him you love him this weekend. I never got that chance with my dad and didn't know that when I saw him eight months ago that it would be the last time.
If you are a dad, spend some time with your kids this weekend if you can, make some memories, and be the best dad you can be. Being a father myself, I wouldn't trade my kids for anything. They are my greatest accomplishment and my greatest love. When I am having the worst day and really stressing about life or the current marital situation, my kids brighten my day. I've been struggling a bit emotionally with losing my dad and dealing with my marriage, so this Fathers' Day I decided I would write each of my kids a heartfelt letter telling them how much I love each of them and that I will always be there for them, no matter what. So, on Fathers' Day this year, I'm giving my kids a small gift in the form of a letter to each of them.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 14, 2018 17:50:23 GMT -5
I would think that would be tough unless you are on good terms and you both pull equal weight and are equal owners in the business. If you can't reach an agreement on that, one should consider buying the other out if the business is significant enough. Otherwise I foresee problems in the future when/if the personal issues come up in the business.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 14, 2018 17:10:04 GMT -5
One of the criticism's of Maslow's model is that sex is supposedly not a basic need because you (as an individual) can survive without it (albeit it in a pretty cranky manner). I am sure this is the argument that all refusers would make to downplay the importance of sex. I agree with h that if the physical need isn't satisfied in at least a somewhat regular manner, it makes the emotional bonding very difficult (at least in someone with a high sex drive in my opinion). My wife would (and does) argue the opposite side that an emotional connection is necessary before she can have sex. Thus, we have the chicken and the egg and essentially a sexual stalemate.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 13, 2018 17:17:53 GMT -5
I had one or two close female friends that gradually drifted away when my wife and I started dating. I also got to be fairly close with one of my wife's close friends who had just gone through a divorce. When she and my wife had a falling out, my wife insisted that I stop talking to her (which I did mainly through Facebook by commenting on some of her pictures, etc.). That was one a bit difficult to let go because she was very nice and I found her very attractive. I must admit I had one or two fantasies about her. I took one for the team on that one and removed her from my Facebook. Thinking it was a mistake she tried to re-friend me and got upset when I didn't accept it. The one AND only reason I unfriended her is because my wife got pissy about me still being friends with her. If my wife and I were to break up, I'd call and offer to buy her dinner to make it up to her. Dessert, of course, would be totally up to her. I think there was a connection there we just never were able to act on it. Other than that, I don't have too many close female friends.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 13, 2018 9:58:18 GMT -5
Interesting discussion with my wife yesterday who acknowledged that she's known mine was essentially physical touch for quite some time, yet we're in a sexless marriage. She actually asked me if I thought she was rejecting sex on purpose, to which I said "Yes. I'd have sex right here right now." (Shrug). Not quite sure how you can sit there and repeatedly tell someone you love them and then basically rebuff them at every attempt at physical contact other than maybe a hug or holding hands.
The loud thumping you hear is my head hitting the table repeatedly.....so frustrating.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 4, 2018 16:44:46 GMT -5
I never said it was. It's just a nice car to drive and a lot of fun - V8 six speed, AWD. I also have a pick-up truck I drive every day so I'm by no means trying to be upper-crusty. What model Audi do you have surfergirl?
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