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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 30, 2017 17:15:27 GMT -5
we have a dog and a cat, both elderly family members.
the ease and comfort that they each have with showing affection and deep pleasure from a good belly/back/ear rub/lie next to - reminds me how beautifully unencumbered, simple & natural and pleasant this can/should be...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 30, 2017 10:02:52 GMT -5
wow, didn't realize how consistent these issues are...
petrushka, how did you know my wife also avoids router 'emissions'? she even refused a wireless mouse for her laptop - do you all realize how difficult it is to find a wired mouse anymore?
btw, she's also been a zealot of 'tapping', 'earthing', energy healing and energy movement/chi and others...(ironically, things that are much closer to the feelings and endorphins released during sex)
...but who said logic had anything to do with this thread
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 29, 2017 17:11:12 GMT -5
So, in addition to the core reason why I'm here - our relationship has also taken on another battleground - food!
I'm a longtime foodie, love to cook, experiment and read/watch tons of cooking inspiration. I cook because I love good food, and have traveled enough (too often with a generous expense account) and have learned to cook healthy and creatively. It's one of my hobbies (reading lots of books, gym, golf and tennis are others). Give me a dinner to cook for family/friends, good wine, music - and I'm in my studio being creative...
My wife has always been a healthy eater, very conscious of sugar, processed foods, etc over the years. She was one of the earliest on the 'low-glycemic' focused diet - and has also latched onto a fad for 'eating for your blood-type' which suggests (to her) to avoid all sorts of random foods (white/black beans ok, kidney, garbanzo and lima beans bad. sheep milk cheese ok, cows milk NO! watermelon ok, other melons NO!, no white potatoes, no Dairy (cow's milk) and other now religious zealotry.
she's also become a gluten-free super advocate, even though she won't get tested for any sensitivity or allergies...she used to eat baskets of dinner rolls w butter, and is pretty much the same now having avoided over the years before and after...
The quack 'eat for your blood-type Dr. has been debunked and called out for having absolutely no science to back any claims, but she believes 'the medical community just isn't up to speed yet' he's probably onto something and 'western medicine' just cannot allow alternative thinking, and so on...
Oh yeah, she's fully embraced natureopathic remedies (she has some 30+ bottles of expensive shit) and won't drink our tap water (tested 3X times), even after using a Brita.
I could go on and on about all of the other things she avoids or becomes a zealot for, even in the face of reason, scientific fact and common sense...
She is an avoider on a far higher level than just intimacy/sex.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 28, 2017 19:10:24 GMT -5
u be u! stay true to your feelings
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 28, 2017 19:01:40 GMT -5
wow, 2X/month? that's a pretty large incentive...
can't say what I would have done - but will say that 2X/mo (and presuming one of the 2 were with an sensually engaged partner!) would be a huge diff from the path we've been on for decades.
yep - I'd be a 'good boy' for 2X/mo...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 28, 2017 10:36:18 GMT -5
bingo
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 28, 2017 10:33:19 GMT -5
lets be real - while we all unfortunately share in a SM - we are all also on a '2-way street'. Meaning, none of us is entirely innocent and all of us have contributed to our messes in some ways.
my wife loves therapy - it's where she gets to vent about me and tries to blame our SM on my attitudes, behaviors and the energy I do or don't put into the mix.
It can be very helpful, but both parties need to be very open and honest about some deep issues, and often willing to dig into those that we didn't realize we have.
if nothing else, it's allowed us to see how she's very comfortable talking about my issues, but not hers...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 27, 2017 21:29:14 GMT -5
imo marriage is far easier to define - you're married, with or w/o kids and try to maintain a good, solid family, hopefully with romance and a balance of positives and negatives along the way...
love...well, now that's a whole 'nother thing entirely.
Love (to me) is more about anticipation, knowing and feeling quite firmly that you will be not only appreciated for who you are, but easily forgiven for any minor transgressions - and feeling confident that your love is reciprocated in many (if not most) ways.
The attitudinal comfort of intimacy (in all forms) should be clear and filled with a desire to please each other. Sex takes it all to the highest level, with a full understanding that it's about sharing and providing pleasure which fulfills so many extreme desires.
at our core, we are all humans who seek safety, comfort, pleasure and harmony with others - true love is the pinnacle of that if you can find that soul match...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 26, 2017 12:03:17 GMT -5
BK, I honor your natural feelings to 'protect/do no harm' - but it's not about harming or devastating anymore...and, your first 'order of protection' has always been to yourself...(you can't take care of others if you're hurting big time)
You have already been harmed and devastated - now it's time to free each other up. Yes, my wife will freak out much more than I already have on the 'what happens now? what will others say/think?' - but she'll be fine and able to maintain her lifestyle and day-to-day routines without missing a step.
Yes, it's a biggie for both of you - and good for you to acknowledge how emotional and heavy this can be! You clearly have thought this through and you know that there are so many of us 'standing with you'.
the old joke about 'why is divorce so expensive? (A - 'because it's worth it!') is somewhat similar here... perhaps you're feeling the extra heavy heart because you know it's a huge emotional experience for both of you, but worth it in the long run.
I was more concerned to maintain the home and core settings for the kids before they are able to fly the nest, which is now upon us.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 25, 2017 22:36:17 GMT -5
yeah, this one will be worse than the last dozen or so, knowing I now sleep in a separate bedroom, fully accepting that the path forward of 'it ain't gonna change' & ultimate dissolution is very clear.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 25, 2017 22:19:23 GMT -5
with all due respect for the mother of my children, I will take the high road and acknowledge to her friends/family that we've simply grown apart - a steady, glide-path away from each other over many years now - and we both contributed to the distance. No other detail is necessary. our kids are grown and they saw this coming quite awhile ago.
my wife has always been overly concerned (imo) about what other people may think or gossip about and for the next while (and up through our sons wedding) I will not fan the flames of her discomfort - I don't need to feel any more righteous than I already do.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 25, 2017 13:41:19 GMT -5
CB, add another guy who's amazed at how similar our stories are...
and I also enjoy cooking! hang in there, brother!
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 25, 2017 12:47:50 GMT -5
continuing to be inspired by all, and lately with Shamwow and Caged Tiger's brave and heartfelt 'escapades' - I'll add that I too have maintained the tough walk of leaving...some may recall that I have stated to my wife in our therapy session that I thought a trial separation made the most sense as a next step. Boy was she pissed, told me I could sleep in the extra bedroom (where I've been quite comfy for weeks now), but no pleading me to stay or suggesting some re-set sex or anything, as she knows we're well past that...
I had previously challenged her that if she would set up some focused counseling with a sex therapist to dig into her avoidance issues and seeming asexuality, that might provide a path forward for us - but as she still disputes the reality of our situation with her own 'alternative facts' ('we do too have sex more that 1X/month!! we've been having sex frequently for years!' when in truth it was maybe 4-5x in 2016, and similar for many years prior).
The most incredible 'alternative fact' was yesterday in (likely my final appt) therapists office that she acknowledged that she hasn't been accepting my way of describing my feelings, because it didn't make sense to her way of looking at it. Therapist firmly corrected her that my feelings are correct as stated - and she has no right to consider them 'incorrect' just because she looks at things differently. It's so obvious that she wants to avoid any significant responsibility for our sm and is way more comfortable blaming me for pretty much everything.
I'm out as soon as the house is sold. (it's on the market now)
While the prevailing attitude on this board seems to be that therapists 'don't really help the ultimate outcome' (and I agree) - they can be very helpful if the desire is to maintain a respectful co-parenting setting (as bballgirl seems to have created) whereby there's an accepted understanding that wasn't there before - and potentially a relationship that is not filled with (as much?) acrimony, hate and blame down the road and beyond...
Our son is getting married in August and I'd prefer to keep a respectful and honest tone (my friends and my family all know and understand) - she's freaking out at having to explain our demise to her family & friends, when she knows that they know me quite well as 'the rational guy'.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 24, 2017 19:26:12 GMT -5
Cheers right back at you! a nice Malbec for me... couldn't agree more about the attitudes towards this wonderfully supportive group.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 24, 2017 15:41:39 GMT -5
one of the nice things about having already agreed to downsize and sell the house, the de-clutter work is largely already done!
Baz - love that golf clubs were high up on the list!!
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