ComepletlyBaked's Story: Long term ILIASM
Jan 23, 2017 1:25:04 GMT -5
GeekGoddess, bballgirl, and 6 more like this
Post by completelybaked on Jan 23, 2017 1:25:04 GMT -5
Hi Everyone!
Long time mostly lurker (from EP days) ready to come out (not from the closet, but this ILIASM shithole).
After 20 years of marriage, 3 kids, and great, mutually satisfying sex, my wife went into continous A-Fib (Atrial fibrillation - irregular heartbeat) after a minor car accident. She was put on meds that the doctors admit would have impacted her libido (they definitely did), but after she got stabilized, they changed and adjusted the medications however the libido never returned. That was 12 years ago. Sex went from 2-3 times a week (and good!) to once a month to the current starfish sex maybe 3 times a year. First the A-fib, then menopause, rheumatoid arthritis, psoriatic arthritis, and obesity - she had lots of reasons to not be interested. After years of pleading for her to see the doctor, she finally saw an OB-GYN who found 3 "massive" ovarian cysts that were eventually removed. Hormone testing came back "she has none". She got on routine Pap smears which never came back normal. Finally had a hysterectomy last year. She's still getting "not cancer, but not normal" tests back as of 2 months ago. Bottom line: yes, she has real medical issues and as a result absolutely no libido. Yes, besides the MDs, we've seen therapists (hers, mine, and ours) with no improvement in our intimacy.
About 6 years ago, I discovered EP and recognized my condition of "ILIASM". I had been taking mild anti-depressants to "take the edge off". I quit those: I didn't need medication to address healthy, normal feelings. I began taking it "one day at a time". My father was a long time alcoholic (hmm, alcoholism and ILIASM kind of rhyme) who managed 25 years of sobriety "one day at a time". It worked for him and maybe it would for me. I've been doing that for years now, and, as expected, some days are better and some days worse. My father used to say the same. However, unlike his *ism, I didn't have his AA support group and we certainly don't celebrate each year of ILIASM the same way he celebrated his sobriety.
I could go on and on: she claims she's working on it - but not tonight; "I'll talk to the doctor about it again - but last visit we got caught up with (fill in the blank)"; "I'll promise to try weekly" (that was last September, followed by "No Sex October" leading up to my "No Shave (nor Sex) November"), etc. Other issues: her dog went blind in May and her mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in August. She didn't need more excuses but now has a boatload. She says she's working at it but I've been pretty clear it's not getting better.
Oh, on my side, I lost my job 2 years ago and decided to retire a little early (I was 62, financially able, and not really interested in starting over). Instead of my planned life of retirement and endless travel, it's been nursing her through her (and her dog's) surgeries, helping out with her mom, as well as becoming primary cook (I really do enjoy it), yard guy, pool boy, handyman, etc.
Which comes full circle to those vows we took 32 years ago "for better or worse". Our 32nd anniversary is coming up next week. She asked me what I have planned. I told her this year I didn't see a purpose to celebrate: our marriage looks fine to outsiders but I was miserable with our lack of intimacy and it was only getting worse. I quit wearing my wedding band (she hasn't noticed yet). She slept in the spare bedroom one night before going to her mom's. I was planning to move in there once I replaced the bed, but she can have it (I hate the bed). I'm starting to plan to travel on my own and I'm really happy about that. I'm not looking for an affair, but if a woman threw herself at me, I don't think I could say no - and I've told my wife that. I'm not going to live the facade of a marriage without sex. Divorce? Probably not yet. Separation is probably a better term especially if she moves in with her mom to get her through her death (cold, but we all realize it) and decide then where to take it. I wish her no evil, but this isn't a marriage.
So there is my (highly abridged) story. Is this a great club or what?
What.
CB
Long time mostly lurker (from EP days) ready to come out (not from the closet, but this ILIASM shithole).
After 20 years of marriage, 3 kids, and great, mutually satisfying sex, my wife went into continous A-Fib (Atrial fibrillation - irregular heartbeat) after a minor car accident. She was put on meds that the doctors admit would have impacted her libido (they definitely did), but after she got stabilized, they changed and adjusted the medications however the libido never returned. That was 12 years ago. Sex went from 2-3 times a week (and good!) to once a month to the current starfish sex maybe 3 times a year. First the A-fib, then menopause, rheumatoid arthritis, psoriatic arthritis, and obesity - she had lots of reasons to not be interested. After years of pleading for her to see the doctor, she finally saw an OB-GYN who found 3 "massive" ovarian cysts that were eventually removed. Hormone testing came back "she has none". She got on routine Pap smears which never came back normal. Finally had a hysterectomy last year. She's still getting "not cancer, but not normal" tests back as of 2 months ago. Bottom line: yes, she has real medical issues and as a result absolutely no libido. Yes, besides the MDs, we've seen therapists (hers, mine, and ours) with no improvement in our intimacy.
About 6 years ago, I discovered EP and recognized my condition of "ILIASM". I had been taking mild anti-depressants to "take the edge off". I quit those: I didn't need medication to address healthy, normal feelings. I began taking it "one day at a time". My father was a long time alcoholic (hmm, alcoholism and ILIASM kind of rhyme) who managed 25 years of sobriety "one day at a time". It worked for him and maybe it would for me. I've been doing that for years now, and, as expected, some days are better and some days worse. My father used to say the same. However, unlike his *ism, I didn't have his AA support group and we certainly don't celebrate each year of ILIASM the same way he celebrated his sobriety.
I could go on and on: she claims she's working on it - but not tonight; "I'll talk to the doctor about it again - but last visit we got caught up with (fill in the blank)"; "I'll promise to try weekly" (that was last September, followed by "No Sex October" leading up to my "No Shave (nor Sex) November"), etc. Other issues: her dog went blind in May and her mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in August. She didn't need more excuses but now has a boatload. She says she's working at it but I've been pretty clear it's not getting better.
Oh, on my side, I lost my job 2 years ago and decided to retire a little early (I was 62, financially able, and not really interested in starting over). Instead of my planned life of retirement and endless travel, it's been nursing her through her (and her dog's) surgeries, helping out with her mom, as well as becoming primary cook (I really do enjoy it), yard guy, pool boy, handyman, etc.
Which comes full circle to those vows we took 32 years ago "for better or worse". Our 32nd anniversary is coming up next week. She asked me what I have planned. I told her this year I didn't see a purpose to celebrate: our marriage looks fine to outsiders but I was miserable with our lack of intimacy and it was only getting worse. I quit wearing my wedding band (she hasn't noticed yet). She slept in the spare bedroom one night before going to her mom's. I was planning to move in there once I replaced the bed, but she can have it (I hate the bed). I'm starting to plan to travel on my own and I'm really happy about that. I'm not looking for an affair, but if a woman threw herself at me, I don't think I could say no - and I've told my wife that. I'm not going to live the facade of a marriage without sex. Divorce? Probably not yet. Separation is probably a better term especially if she moves in with her mom to get her through her death (cold, but we all realize it) and decide then where to take it. I wish her no evil, but this isn't a marriage.
So there is my (highly abridged) story. Is this a great club or what?
What.
CB