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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 24, 2017 15:38:19 GMT -5
y'all remember the movie with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones (Hope Springs) about a married couple who fell into a sm, went to therapy and a couples weekend to rejuvenate their sex life?
it was the most uncomfortable 2 hrs for my wife and incredibly validating for me.
Neither of us say anything anymore during a sexy scene in whatever were watching together (sad)
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 21, 2017 18:50:51 GMT -5
hey all, finally got some response via an email, essentially darvo in classic form, but of course with veins of truth...
she didn't reply at all to the core topic of SM, avoidance, the link I had sent to our therapist - or the negative energy of all that, but rather chose to suggest that 'i'm not challenging myself about my frustrations & where they come from'. (clearly she's not involved here, it must be from my childhood, (which was quite nice and normal))...
funny (not) how she's still avoiding the core topic, but now I know to anticipate this, passing into the 'I'm gonna move forward, instead of hoping, or following logic that this shouldn't really be like this.'
it sucks to have to give up rational hope...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 20, 2017 10:52:15 GMT -5
still waiting...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 18, 2017 23:40:45 GMT -5
wow, lots of words.
we all know why we're here...
words help (or sometimes hurt) the overall discussion, very often cathartic.
sunnidays - i don't disagree with any of your positions and can very easily respect where you're coming from. I certainly still love my wife, but in an increasingly similar way to how I love my sister. I don't want to live with my sister, or a roommate. I want a lover, a sensuous woman who knows what turns her on and knows how to suggest it. Someone with I'll know our next day is likely to be playful, open and honest and comfortable expressing ourselves in so many ways...
I'm not going to settle for living a life without that anymore.
She's not a rotten person, far from it - she has a good soul and has a gentle spirit. we're just hopelessly incompatible in the realm of playfulness, affection, sensuality, letting go, self-esteem, worrying about what others might think - and most importantly - and the joys of sex and the consistent desire to pleasure each other. That 'super glue' has been missing for a long time...
I believe most of us here have frustrations and deep complications beyond just sex - but as we all know, in a normal, healthy marriage there's lots of give and take, allowing for differences and much more - and - being the person who consistently avoids the act, or intimate discussion of the spouses concerns and desires is what we're all focused on.
words cannot describe the depths of frustration, despair and hurt we all feel, however prosaic we all can be...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 18, 2017 15:48:38 GMT -5
still waiting...didn't bring it up for a 3rd time last night, but this morning I again suggested maybe we should talk about what she discussed with our therapist...
W -'not now, I want to get my thoughts together'... 4 hours later she heads out for errands...she knows I'm out tonite playing tennis, so who wants to bet that this can keep getting kicked down the road for awhile longer?
whatever.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 17, 2017 17:50:50 GMT -5
Wife had her solo appt with our therapist today - therapist suggested last week that W come in alone today to specifically discuss her avoidance, the SM and if she wants to work on this. a few days earlier, I forwarded a link to both W and therapist (thanks again bballgirl!) that summarized my feelings incredibly well. After she returned, I asked 'how did it go? did you discuss the link that I had sent?' She said they had...and then no more info...so I say, I'm happy to discuss that if you want, anytime you want... still waiting... themarriageplace.com/2017/01/not-having-sex-in-marriage/#comment-15080
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 17, 2017 9:49:23 GMT -5
I did go to Univ of Florida...Go Gators!!
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 16, 2017 13:43:37 GMT -5
of course, if she ever came downstairs in a partly open bathrobe, naked underneath - and nuzzled my ear or whispered 'i feel horny, what do you say?' - I'd be jelly and submissive...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 16, 2017 11:54:28 GMT -5
my mental doppelganger!!
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 16, 2017 11:38:37 GMT -5
stay on the path of righteousness! the $ will be long forgotten eventually...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 16, 2017 10:43:08 GMT -5
so, this thread got me thinking a bit more...I'm not really sure if I'm refusing her under these circumstances.
(remember, it's my wife who 'avoids similar bedtimes', 99% of the time for 15+ yrs now). our typical pattern is: I ask her to join me up in bed when I head upstairs at night ('no thanks, I'm going to stay up awhile') or attempt a suggestive nuzzle in the morning when I awake (7am) - which is too early for her, as she sleeps from 2a-9a 9 ('leave me alone, I'm still sleeping').
The rare times we've had sex, it's always in the morning - mostly however, after I've already been up an hour or so, had my coffee, took out the trash, let the dog out, fed the cat, read the paper - and cleaned up last nights dishes.
on rare occasions, when she's feeling somewhat guilty about no sex in 3-4 months - having rebuffed me numerous times, she'll come downstairs, in her frumpy, old-lady pj's and ask me if I want to come back to bed? (not do you want to get naked?, or I'm feeling horny, or anything along those lines - just a straight out business proposition.) No kisses, nuzzling, sensuality - and certainly nothing sexy about it at all - just a 'check-off-the-box' offer.
about 2 years ago coming off of another 8-10mo drought - I told her that the wind had gone out of my sails for hoping, fantasizing, asking, dreaming, expecting that we'd have at least occasional sex. hey, I'm still full-out horny, but don't want to keep riding this spiraling downward train... So, not wanting to repeat the pattern of having usually bland/starfish re-set sex once or twice and then returning to zero for the next 3-4 months - I usually tell her 'thanks, but no thanks'. Sometimes I'll let her know that 'I already took matters into my own hand'.
Am I refusing?
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 15, 2017 13:47:10 GMT -5
thanks telecaster, that was the main purpose of my query about this. If they/we are not going to change, why doesn't matter - but it does help to better understand, perhaps emphasize, or be more introspective and develop a strategy that is clear(at least to ourselves) and hopefully to them. I'm not seeking to punish my wife or blame her, but as I've told my therapist many times - I owe it to myself, my wife, and children to know that I've thoroughly investigated this from all angles.
Now that I better understand my wife's perspectives (hey, we now live in a world of denial of facts,'fake news' and false equivalencies), it's much easier to feel that I've come to the right decisions for me.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 14, 2017 21:58:07 GMT -5
Welcome and good for you in finding this forum. there are lots of ladies here also, you will be getting a wonderful support group!
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 14, 2017 21:31:31 GMT -5
Ice Queen
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 14, 2017 20:21:07 GMT -5
meant to add that since this is now fully outed - I have stopped any advances or attempts at initiating anything (and she suggested I sleep in a spare room), so yes, we are both avoiding now.
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