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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 3, 2017 16:37:09 GMT -5
to all - thank you very much for your acknowledgements! we all know that it's a tough thing to deal with - and too often difficult to acknowledge with family and even some close friends, so this forum is wonderful to be able to speak (write) freely and openly about this.
FYI - we had our weekly therapy session today and I strongly presented how ridiculous this has been, frustrating, depressing and absolute poison to any marriage. I presented the idea that the best way to move forward (instead of blaming all sorts of various events over the years) is to thoroughly acknowledge this, 'own it' and work specifically on this issue, otherwise I am gone. I suggested our next step is to separate - which finally seemed to get her attention...
I told her that I will always love her and have tremendous feelings for her, but that the poison has taken it's toll.
Happy New Year to all!
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 2, 2017 22:16:14 GMT -5
Not sure if this is going to sound unbelievable, or just another example of what too many here understand as extreme avoidance... I typically start to get ready for bed around 10-10:30, my routine is to always have a good book and read a chapter or 2 before nodding off. Usually up at dawn/first light (especially when I was commuting 1.5 hrs each way to a highly stressful job for the last 20+ years). Kinda normal stuff so far...
I fully get that people like their 'alone time' and my wife likes to spend hers until 1-2am (she usually falls asleep on the couch, then gets up to bed 2-2:30). Of course, this means she would then like to sleep until 9am or after, effectively zeroing-out any chance for intimacy, or just being awake in bed together.
This would seem reasonable to me if it were a few times/week, and even somewhat understandable if it were 4-5 nights/week. However, (and here's the 'believe it or not' part) this behavior happens 360+ nights/year and has been the standard for well over 10 years now. I got so many excuses about this pattern ever since I started complaining about intimacy issues, the lack of frequency of any sex - and the utter lack of initiating anything playfully.
Having brought this up numerous times, with our therapists and directly - she's in denial - saying I'm exaggerating, it's not done on purpose, it's my way to have some control, she's busy with projects, etc., etc., etc...
Has anyone ever heard of this type of avoidance that has clearly created a SM just based on sleeping patterns? Of course, there's much more to our story, but this single aspect is infuriating to me for the simple reality of it - and also due to the extreme avoidance of any introspection as to the impact this alone has had on our marriage and taking some type of ownership about it.
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 2, 2017 14:41:59 GMT -5
I'm new here and catching up on the threads. My wife has the classic symptoms (and background) for Intimacy/Sexual Anorexia, having been abused by an uncle when she was 10, and then having her first actual sex at 16-17 in a classic 'date-rape' with quaaludes and forced oral. There were other difficult experiences for her (her Mom on thorazine & shock therapy during her early teens - and an attempted rape in broad daylight by some drunk! sheesh...) She was never able to tell her Mom about the Uncle's abuse (Mom's brother).
My point is that so much of this now makes sense from the lens of researching Intimacy Anorexia and the Avoidance Personality Disorder. It doesn't make it any easier to live with a person like that, but does make it somewhat more understandable and has lessened some of my anger over feeling that she was consciously choosing this path...
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Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 2, 2017 13:31:27 GMT -5
Hi all, my name is Robert and I used to get involved when this was on the EP site. Married 33 yrs now and the steady glidepath into iliasm was confusing and very depressing for me. To the outside world, we appear as a healthy family with 3 grown kids - but are now rapidly approaching the 'fork in the road'...I can't take this anymore...
I recently came across some info re: "Sexual (or Intimacy) Anorexia", which helped me to better understand my wife's pattern of avoidance and low libido. It didn't change anything, but it did allow me to acknowledge our difficulties in a new way and took a lot of the 'what am I doing wrong' out of the equation. Unfortunately, she's had some classic markers of childhood sex abuse and
Anyway - I really appreciate having a forum I can turn to and dialogue with others who are going through similar settings. we are (still) going to marriage therapy, and being able to put this on the table for discussion ad introspection has been very difficult, but I have been calmed somewhat by reading about Intimacy Anorexia and realizing that 'It's not all my fault!'
Best wishes to all, Robert
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