|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 18, 2017 10:49:10 GMT -5
this all just shows that you are human, compassionate and genuinely caring about someone you've spent a lot of time with (and I'm sure lots of good memories, too).
This is the crux of what we struggle with - it's not easy or uncomplicated - especially if the spouse has many decent qualities (other than their mismatched libidos).
this is why I appreciate this forum so much - there is genuine compassion from so many here - and a healthy dose of 'rational reality' all along.
none of us want to hurt anyone (I hope), but we all seem to want to stop our own pain and frustration.
This is NOT selfish thinking!!
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 17, 2017 22:18:46 GMT -5
Just decided to get away by myself for some alone time to an early spring in VA. the golf courses are calling me!! - and perhaps there will be a lonely lady to putt around with...
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 17, 2017 22:01:36 GMT -5
agree with the thinking that sex doesn't really enter into the refuser's way of thinking. let's face it - they're just wired differently...
for me, my wife has always enjoyed being mostly a 'stay at home mom' in a lovely house in an upscale neighborhood. She got financial stability, someone to fund college expenses, pay the bills etc. She's had the easy life of deciding whether to go to yoga/for a walk/to coffee w girlfriends/shopping or other extremely low-stress lifestyle choices. I indeed spoiled her...
what I've told her numerous times (when not focusing solely on sex) is that 'I FEEL TAKEN FOR GRANTED'
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 17, 2017 21:38:06 GMT -5
kiltedpadre - does this mean that your wife gets a vacuum cleaner, something like that for her b-day?
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 17, 2017 11:35:24 GMT -5
for my last 'big' b-day, I surrounded myself with my golf buddies, made a great day of it - and laughed all day about 'no B-Day BJ for me'...
every year my wife has asked me 'anything special you'd like for me to get?' - and I always reply, 'what I'd like doesn't require shopping'...
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 16, 2017 9:37:41 GMT -5
having been to many therapy sessions with my wife and solo - I agree there's lots of upside. To feel validated was a huge 'release' for me - and finding this site was also so helpful in realizing 'it's not all on me'.
Both the therapist we were seeing together and the one I see solo have validated my thinking & feelings so much more that my wife could ever have done, especially as she was very used to playing the DARVO cards. She's pissed to now having been 'boxed into a corner' - but if you have a good therapist and open, honest dialogues - the reality of the situation will come into the light.
good luck - keep us posted (I found I did most of my posting after our weekly sessions)
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 15, 2017 15:12:41 GMT -5
agree there's no need to get into specifics if she is not an adult. may I ask how old your daughter is?
My kids are all in their 20's and while they don't know of the SM specifics of their Mom and me - they do know that we've grown apart considerably over the years. There's lots of ways to explain your situation without having them take your side (or your spouses).
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 14, 2017 11:25:49 GMT -5
I didn't realize how much I'd 'mourn' the loss of my love life - and today is really bringing it to a new level of reality.
The hoping is gone.
but - blue skies ahead!!
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 14, 2017 11:18:33 GMT -5
Happy V-day to all...
given that my wife decided to extend her visit with her folks an extra day (not getting back until midnight tonight, on V-day), I'll already have been in bed for an hour or so - and as I've announced my intention to separate - and as she 'forgot' to get even a card for our Anniv in Oct...
we exchange nada for V-day. this is a first...
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 9, 2017 13:51:11 GMT -5
Love is energy....I think it can transmute to a lesser version of itself but IMO once you have truly 'loved' someone as much as you would love your children there is alway a vestigial flicker there even after this life. this, for me, is much closer to my reality. I know I will always have deep feelings, a desire to protect and care for her forever...just not as a roommate. The simple truth is that intimacy (and sensual sex) have such incredible power and passion to enable seeing how big a difference there is from deeply caring for a long-time partner -- and feeling 'warmly detached' in equally powerful ways...
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 5, 2017 14:12:04 GMT -5
McRoomie - no need to go ballistic, or be ruthless/show no pity.
I have refused weak attempts of hers at 're-set sex' (very weak attempts, I should add) to stay focused on the far larger issue of passive-aggressive avoidance, the irrational imbalances of 'trying to blame/shame' and the simple truths that we've grown far apart on so many issues. I do not believe or expect that my wife can allow herself to see herself as a huge contributor to our SM and the massive consequences that creates by itself.
You do need to ensure that BOTH you and your wife are clear on what the issues are and stay focused!
agree with so much good advice that it MAY help to get to a therapist soon, and please make sure that you don't let the discussions get hijacked and 'Darvo'd'.
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Feb 5, 2017 11:59:56 GMT -5
anyone who cannot easily see that all relationships are '2-way streets' and that no one is 100% at fault/to blame/etc. is showing how irrational they are.
Common sense suggests that she's just wanting to avoid any responsibility - but clearly knows she has contributed mightily to the situation.
My situation is similar - separation now imminent... It's become clear that my wife has a very difficult time allowing herself to acknowledge how devastating a SM can be over such a long time (especially for the one with the higher libido).
she simply cannot relate to these feelings of frustration, deep dissatisfaction and sexual abandonment - and prefers to justify her extreme avoidance with suggesting the vast majority of 'blame' is on me. she knows she has deep intimacy avoidance issues from childhood, but prefers to suggest that I drove her to become that way, or that it's perfectly normal for some to have very low libidos, or near zero desire for sex anymore...
Even if I take the high road and point out 'we're both to blame, no one more so than the other - it just is what it is...' she is very uncomfortable with accepting the responsibility that that suggests.
it sucks, it hurts, and it's not going to go away quickly. However, (for me) it does make it a bit easier to deal with when someone is refusing to consider the others' feelings, pain and 'how it might be for them' - that tells me that that they're not really interested in any 'rational discourse' - but only want to justify their own way of being.
Please take care of yourself and take some solace in knowing that someone who say's '100% your fault' is, by definition, irrational. Even she will eventually come to see this - it's an easy acknowledgement - but fighting it for now says a lot about her...
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 31, 2017 16:59:09 GMT -5
just 'treading my own path' as i've seen a sage advisor suggest...
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 31, 2017 16:51:48 GMT -5
sometimes knowing about the long ago psychological connections helps us to better understand the confusion...this is not about excuses for me - but does help to get past the 'is it me?' syndrome.
Like Matt Damon finally realized in 'Good Will Hunting' - it's not (all) my fault!
|
|
|
Post by lakeside4003 on Jan 31, 2017 16:05:46 GMT -5
What would it take to consider moving towards reconciliation? (I've already told my wife that a separation is the 'next step' for us...both been in many years marriage counseling - together and solo. my therapist 'hasn't discouraged' the path towards ending the marriage.)
so, I answered '2 things...'
1 - she would need to be able to convince me that she's taken a long and thoughtful 'walk in my shoes', knowing me as she does - and be able to discuss my feelings of frustration, annoyance, abandonment, confusion, loneliness and so on - all without any attempts of her trying to justify her rationale, or her version of the same story and numerous other darvo'isms. Strictly a respectful and thorough acknowledgement - with sincere empathy.
2 - she would need to 'make me feel like she wants me', at least sometimes... hopefully getting back in touch with her sensuality, and ability to go beyond 'starfish sex'. We would, of course, have to lose our LISM status, big time... This, of course can happen in so many ways and would comfortably be a 2-way street, I would ensure to focus on all of the nice, little things we all can do and say for each other.
not gonna hold my breath, folks...
Cheers to my therapist, who helps me be clear and focused on 'my path'. He suggested we start getting together much less frequently, he's not sure there's much more to say, other than 'follow your true north'.
|
|