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Post by solodriver on Sept 24, 2019 22:07:44 GMT -5
This song has been going though my head today.
Truly a song about the insanity a SM is.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 24, 2019 21:50:00 GMT -5
Okay. Things have calmed down in my life; old home sold, I'm in my new home, it's furnished, and I'm starting to settle into regular life as a single mom now. So now it's time to work on the actual DIVORCE. My STBX has been good with both money and child-related matters which are the two biggest things. Money-wise, he has kept to his word and transferred 50% of savings, assets from sale of our house, and all bonuses into my personal account and I am still using our joint checking for expenses until we have a child-support agreement in place. Kid-wise, I basically have full custody and we have an amicable verbal agreement that he takes our son on one weekend day whenever possible (due to all his business travel) and we are both being flexible due to one another's schedules. So things are workable and amicable right now. He suggested we do a Collaborative Divorce. As I see it, that is basically a mid-point between regular divorce including litigation, and having a mediator. In collaborative divorce I believe each spouse has a lawyer, the two work together, and through a series of meetings outside of court, we come to mutual agreements on all necessary matters, WITH a financial specialist also present. Has anyone done a collaborative divorce? Feedback? Are there pitfalls to watch out for?My situation is currently very amicable which I would really like to continue with (especially for the sake of our son, and all the medical issues and decisions that will need to be agreed upon throughout his life) but my concern is that if I go the collaborative route, even with a financial specialist present, I may not end up in as good a financial position as I am entitled to if it were mandated by the courts. My STBX makes a LOT of money. We have many assets and I honestly don't even know where they all are since they are spread out amongst different kinds of accounts, retirements, stock options, physical property, etc etc. Will he still be required to be upfront with everything if we go with collaborative law?? He is a good person but I would not put it past him to conveniently "forget" about a certain chunk of money sitting in a CD or about his stock options... I do think he thinks of the money as "his" and not "ours" (I have been a stay at home mom for the last 3 years and even when I was working, my salary barely even factored into our overall income since there was such a huge income imbalance.) Even while he's transferred 50% of our savings into my personal account, after buying my new home using that money he's made a couple comments alluding to his thoughts of that being like a "gift" or something he's giving to me rather than 50% being mine in my own right. So I would not put it past him to think of things like stock options, retirement, etc. being HIS and not part of our joint assets. (I know I'm blabbing, I'm sorry - I'm just trying to give a more holistic view of the situation.) So my concern with collaborative divorce vs. litigated is that while it would be amicable and I think we would be good candidates for it, I don't want to end up in a worse financial position than I could be because I don't know what I don't know. But if I go the typical litigated route, not only could that sour things between us but it would also cost much more. Additionally, I do not want to screw myself over down the road on other things that could arise 10/15/20 years from now that aren't even on my radar at the present time. I don't know if I am concerned over nothing though because we will each have a lawyer and there will also be a financial specialist at the meetings. So perhaps there is nothing to fall through the cracks? Thoughts? choosinghappy,
Have you gotten your divorce? If so, did you use this method of going through your divorce? If so, how long did it take from the time you started it? Is your ex still being generous with funds and child support (both financial and practical)? Did you get the kind of child support agreement you wanted? Has your ex been forthcoming regarding all of the financial holdings for property settlement? I hope all has worked or is being worked out. Your story and information would probably be good for others who are in similar circumstances as you have been in.
Also did your amicable relationship with your ex change when you started the divorce process?
Does the divorce settlement have a clause that things within it could be renegotiated later or is it closed and shut?
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Post by solodriver on Sept 22, 2019 13:40:38 GMT -5
Hasn't happened in the past 5 years (before that it was the hello/goodbye pecks) and never again.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 22, 2019 1:07:22 GMT -5
Finding happiness in a celibate life would appear to be the function of how it occurred. Did you choose a celibate life or was one chosen for you?
It is the difference between choosing to retire from your job or being fired. (This line came from a book about celibacy.)
Absolutely the best description of celibacy in a marriage.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 22, 2019 0:48:21 GMT -5
I let go of the huge burden of responsibility for the 'success' of my marriage. I had been carrying this sense of responsibility for my own happiness/contentment, for his happiness and for the general happiness of the entire friggin' world around us. The relief was immense. It was REAL. For the first time I found a new perspective on our entire relationship. Obviously the day to day did not change that much because I'm still here and still have not had sex but I have not fallen back into that awful mode of feeling like my H's moods were something I HAD to manage/placate/smooth over and that in itself has been a positive, not just for me but for our entire family. His state of mind, attitude, mood, frustrations, behaviour etc etc are ON HIM ALONE. He's a grown man; he is NOT my responsibility. Interestingly, he has been much kinder in the last few years than in the previous 25; go figure. The key for me was to stop accepting unkindness and to stop carrying the can for the other adult in our home. This is EXACTLY where I am right now. When I went into "roommate" mode and let go, it helped tremendously and the mood around the house and with other family members about the situation has improved. Now I just focus on me and my exit plan.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 22, 2019 0:26:24 GMT -5
Back in the day, what Brother @tooyoungtobeold2 describes is something I could relate to. In my ILIASM deal, the little individual rejections accrued up into a pretty substantial pile over the years. But, I chose to stay in that situation (essentially a 'Financial Partnership') as I could - for the most part - handle it OK, pushing those rejective events into a festering pile in the corner. The problem was - as time went on - a new rejective episode would occur .... and for me, the new bit of rejection would trigger me to recall all those old individual rejections from the past as well as the present rejection. Like *todays* little rejection would hit me with the weight of *todays* rejection PLUS that festering pile of past rejections too. Individually, the rejective episodes were not sufficient to prod me into action. But the total of all the accrued rejections was ............ eventually. It was an accumulation process, and took a long time to reach dealbreaker status. That's a great description baza. I feel like that's what happened to me. it took 20 years to finally reach deal breaker status for me.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 22, 2019 0:08:55 GMT -5
I know, for me, that if I had an outsource partner, my attitude and mood at home would be totally different. I think I would be more tolerant, less stressed and happier knowing that I was with someone who wanted to be with me. And it would help me stay focused on the goal of my exit.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 18, 2019 21:05:13 GMT -5
So choosinghappy, have you had any more adventures with the kayak?
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Post by solodriver on Sept 15, 2019 12:34:31 GMT -5
No action of any kind front, back, sideways or upside down happening here.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 7, 2019 22:42:19 GMT -5
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Post by solodriver on Sept 7, 2019 12:36:13 GMT -5
Apocrypha I never could get the attraction back. It wasn't about looks it was all inside. I found the more disenchanted I got with my marriage the more I found things wrong with him. Everything he did got on my nerves from the way he breathed to how he kept his hair. I did one last try to rekindle 3 years in and it was horrible. I literally had tears escaping. That's when I knew it was over regardless if we still lived together. Stayed many years after that nothing returned. When my dad died and he came home from work and hugged me I recoiled inside and escaped the embrace as fast as possible. I think attraction is as much mental as physical. In my relationship now we are so attracted to each other even though neither of us are sex gods physically. Literally my bf was mowing the yard in baggy shorts and a Gilligan hat. When I seen him I said that is was sexy Gilligan get up you have on. I laughed but still was thinking what a cute dork lol. I'm sure if I was looking at my ex dressed like that I would have been thinking what the fuck? Is he 80? Lol I guess I'm saying we would have had to fix the emotional issues to regain the attraction. I know some people ( very few) have fixed their marriages. But I think at some point you cross the line into point of no return. I completely agree with this. My wife is still physically attractive. But what made her totally unattractive to me was the way she treated me in this SM. I did reach the point of no return after so very long and now I can't even have a physical reaction to seeing her, even naked. That is the big clarity eye-opener.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 6, 2019 21:03:23 GMT -5
God that just breaks my heart to read that. I just for the love of all don't get this crap. If I ever am so lucky to have someone in my life again, she will know every day and every hour how loved and cherished she is to me.
After reading this today, it made me wonder how many times a day we pass people on the street, men and women, who are living the hell of a SM.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 5, 2019 21:00:48 GMT -5
@ solodriver Dating now is mostly online so you have time to " talk" and get to know each other. The person you date will be an adult probably also divorced or widowed. By the time you get to a certain age you learn what's important. Neither of us are wealthy and our dates are often to the Tuesday $5 movie. A Mexican restaraunt or we snuggle on the couch and watch TV. Go listen to music at a bar. We aren't poor and we did take a nice vacation but we aren't rolling in it and having extravagant dates or trips. And we are just as happy. You will be ok. angeleyes65,
That sounds like a very fun date to me. and snuggling can lead to sex.
Thanks for the supportive thoughts.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 2, 2019 22:26:07 GMT -5
Good point Baz. I'll ask hot how much and when she needs to be paid. I know what are net assets are. My concern was that I wouldn't be able to pay her until after the divorce when I believe she'd need compensation throughout the process. The attorney I consulted with back in May said she wouldn't take me based on my financials because she was afraid I wouldn't be able to pay her. And she told me a lot of attorneys would tell me that.
Another reason I'v e had to prolong my exit plan until I get the debts under control and paid down. It's happening, but so slow a process.
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Post by solodriver on Sept 2, 2019 22:20:32 GMT -5
It's so easy to get entrenched in living in this kind of marriage. We can make excuses and just hope it gets better but those feelings of sadness keep coming back. Somehow we have to allow ourselves the energy and focus to take small steps towards a better life for ourselves. Resist blaming yourself that it's taken years. You were trying to make it work. And then it's so easy to get stuck. Now is the time for putting yourself first. I'm glad you're not ignoring your feelings. This is exactly what happened to me. But after 20 years with no changes, hope left. I now am working on myself and my exit plan. And I have hope for brighter days ahead. It certaintly won't get any worse. I've done that.
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