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Post by solodriver on Oct 21, 2019 20:45:06 GMT -5
Wow Rhapsodee what an update. Keep us informed on how things going.
I'm still working on my exit plan which includes trying to repair financial problems so I can start over again and not be broke and homeless. And I'm 60 next week so I know exactly how you feel. But like yourself, I can't live like this the rest of my life. At least if I leave, I have HOPE, which I don't have staying in this SM.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 20, 2019 19:52:05 GMT -5
I am actually on holiday at the moment, and found myself yesterday imagining that absolutely everyone is bang at it the second their room door is closed. That is the HOPE/PLAN of my next relationship. I know I'm ready for that.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 19, 2019 21:02:10 GMT -5
Not a vacation but yesterday I went to a mid-scale place for lunch, alone, again. No use being upset. That is the way it is and I am not going to change my W. I was given a $50 gift card for Applebee's and I decided not to share it with my roommate. So I went by myself a few weeks ago and still have 1 or 2 more meals on it. You're exactly right, nothing's going to change and neither is my wife. The last few times we went out together to eat, she just played with her iPad or iPhone the whole entire meal with no conversation.
I also have another meal card for $50 that I will go by myself and not share with her either.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 18, 2019 23:03:44 GMT -5
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Post by solodriver on Oct 18, 2019 20:57:00 GMT -5
When my hygienist is working from behind and in the lower parts of my mouth she leans in and I get boob touch to the head. I don't even feel what she is doing in my mouth, just the soft caress of her boobs on my head. Then when the appointment is over, I go to my car and tears well up in my eyes and it's not from the cleaning.
I promised my hygienist I would work harder on my dental hygiene if she wouldn't use the ultrasonic cleaner. And she hasn't used it in several years and my cleanings have gone much better.
I actually look forward to my cleanings because I do have a great hygienist.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 18, 2019 1:30:24 GMT -5
worksforme2 I certainly can see the foreshadowing. It's been 96 days. Yes, I pathetically track. I put a little cryptic note on my calendar. "Change the Filter" I also have change the water filter and change the HVAC filter (Those two are real), but Changed the Filter is my code word for sexy time. I've done this the past several years, but I delete them on January 1 in the spirt of a new year. But It's not like I don't remember close enough. I think In another post I said this had been a better year, I think I may have misspoke and didn't do the math. It's been three times this year and unless we can get the job done a couple more times, this will be the worse year. Spouses that don't want sex (or sex with you) have a limited and finite amount of energy for sex and intimacy. Every interchange drains this limited tank. If you could do a 30 years trendline (in my case), it would be a slope down with steeper slopes around birth of kids (limited and finite amount of overall energy leaves even less for sex) and then a gradual decline to an empty nest. If you're an idiot (like me), you think the empty next might be re-connect time. Nope. Trend line steeper down in peri-menopause and then straight to zero at menopause. This will happen so gradually that you will remain hopeful that some "why" will be the one to "fix it". You won't fine a why and you won't fix it. You'll just realize one day in your early 50s that the sex life you had hoped for, thought was reasonable, assumed would eventually materialize never happened and now you're done. That's the reality. Stay or leave. Leaving is a legitimate choice for many reasons but you've got to let go of the sexy hope. This is EXACTLY what happened to me, my wife hit menopause and sex went to zero and I was told she lost her sexual desire and she was not interested in doing anything such as HRT because of cancer scare. But I didn't want to believe it would end ALL intimacy but it did and I tried for 20 years with no success. I'm trying to work out financial problems so I can leave and get divorced. I'm not ready to give up sex, even though I've now gone as long without sex as I had before I had sex the first time.
I will NEVER have any hope of sex if I stay in this marriage. At least out of it, I have some HOPE of having sex again.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 16, 2019 23:03:57 GMT -5
She not only isn't interested in having sex anymore, she doesn't even want to remember the sex she had. Sad..., or should that be written, #sad? That's EXACTLY what my refuser has done. It's like we never had a sex life.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 13, 2019 18:02:08 GMT -5
I think those that have trama in their past often fool themselves. They initiate sex because they feel bad for neglecting their spouse. But once they get into it, they remember why they avoided it to start with. I don't necessarily blame my wife for the way she feels during sex considering her past. But her refusal to get any help is unacceptable and that is why I will be leaving some day. Since I cut her off and said we will no longer have sex again, it has made things easier. The rejection hurts far more than not having sex. And I will never be rejected by her again. It may seem weird but there is a feeling of power in that. Some day I will be with a woman that wants my touch. This is EXACTLY where I am. Currently my wife and I are just roommates until the financial situation allows me to separate. It is easier to accept this reality than being rejected for even wanting a hug from her. I too look forward to the day when I will be with a woman who will want my touch, love and devotion.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 6, 2019 12:37:44 GMT -5
nyctos,
Believe me when I tell you that I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS! My wife treated me EXACTLY the same way that yours has treated you. Read some of my backstories and you will see that. I finally decided I had had enough and have emotionally detached myself from her. I don't share anything with her anymore, we sleep in separate rooms, I make my own meals and she makes her own meals, and the only discussions we have are about day-to-day logistics such as the house and car maintenance, the pets or the finances. When I got rejected last year for walking into the bedroom naked to look for a pair of underwear after a shower and was told to hurry up because I "creeped her out" seeing me naked, that was the final straw for me.
I started keeping a journal from that time forward over the past year of her behavior towards me so I would KNOW, not just imagine, how she feels about me. I recorded how she treated over every holiday and here was my final facts about how she feels about me.
- She doesn't care or love me physically or emotionally - She doesn't care what I'm interested in
As a result of her rejecting me sexually and in all other ways, it killed the fun, flirty side of me and left me feeling subdued and feeling humiliated. I don't feel desired and it's killing me. Love means nothing if there is no desire or passion with the other person. (I'm talking about romantic love, not the other kinds of love)
I'm currently working on my exit plan, but due to some bad financial issues we can't separate yet, so we live as roommates. I know it's hard to look at your wife as just a roommate because of the past romantic time that you shared with her. But I'm telling you, you have to realize that it's over, it's in the past, and won't happen again. If you don't come to that conclusion, you will keep living on hope for years on end and when you're my age (60 this month), you will feel even worse for allowing the years to slip by on only hoping and never receiving, the love you deserve and desire with someone who would enjoy that with you. And then you could end up like myself, having to have major obstacles to leaving when you want to.
Please start a journal and state what has/is happening in your relationship with your wife and I know it will help you see your situation very objectively and will help you move forward in what you need to do.
I've learned the hard way that romantic and sexual memories are only good if they are shared with your partner. If she doesn't think of them ever and (in my case) has completely forgotten them (which really hurt me deeply) then you need to get a new life with someone else and get away from this woman. But as Baz always says and it's true, you need to sit down and over a period of time (days, weeks, months) develop a exit plan and be prepared to modify it as needed, but keep it in front of you, along with your journal of interactions with your wife, to keep you motivated to do what you need to do for your happiness. The sooner you start, the more time you will have to enjoy it when it happens.
I have adopted the following mantra for myself.
"If I stay in this marriage I have NO HOPE of having sex again. At least by leaving, I have given myself HOPE that it MIGHT happen again."
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Post by solodriver on Oct 5, 2019 20:55:41 GMT -5
I saw this today and I immediately thought of you and ballofconfusion, choosinghappy/tirefire, baza/enna, angeleyes65 and others who have found love on the other side of their SMs:
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Post by solodriver on Oct 5, 2019 20:34:13 GMT -5
There’s on old bluegrass song... “No I’m not livin’, I only exist.” - Ralph Stanley This is what SM has done for me. I realize I have been complicit. I’m thinkin’ ‘bout taking up livin’ again. Just a lil’ more shit to sort out first... EXACTLY!!
I just hope there is more time for livin' after I get through this shit sorting out.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 5, 2019 17:57:00 GMT -5
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Post by solodriver on Oct 3, 2019 1:35:28 GMT -5
"You need to realize that and get used to it."
That's what my wife told me 20 years ago. And she meant it. I was just too stupid to believe it. She blamed it on menopause and said she no longer had a sex drive or interest in it.
So here I am, almost 60, and working on trying to get out, which I should have done 20 years ago. And it's 20 years harder to get out now because of financial issues, which I didn't have or even foresee on the horizon.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 2, 2019 21:10:50 GMT -5
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Post by solodriver on Sept 28, 2019 17:03:59 GMT -5
This song kinda reminds me of my life.
Every time I thought I had found Paradise = Kiss It Goodbye
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