sunnysean
Junior Member
Posts: 59
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by sunnysean on Oct 17, 2019 10:51:06 GMT -5
I realized today that Vacation Sex is dead.
There never has been a guarantee with any major event/day except for one. Valentines Day we have had sex two or three times in 20+ years. My Birthday has seen a better average of about 4-5 times in 20+ Years. But vacation sex was almost a guarantee. Until we had our child, we would take a vacation once a year, or sometimes twice if the stars aligned. Sometimes it was two or three days, sometimes it was a week. But during that time, we would have sex one of those nights. I always looked forward to it because it seemed like she was always into it and the sex was always fantastic.
I realized children changes everything. If its a family vacation, there is a zero percent chance of sex. I accept that. I think it would be fun to try to sneak it in sometimes with good precautions, but that won't happen. But we do try to get away, just the two of us once a year for a couple of nights.
We just had a small two night getaway.
It has always been my wife's responsibility to pack the "bag" in her bathroom stuff when we go. The "bag" contains just the basic essentials of a vibrator & lube. (Used to have condoms, but I'm fixed now) She has never forgotten it, but I have always been paranoid and I've looked for the bag before head out. She doesn't know I do that, and I have never told her. Without fail, every time we leave I look for the bag and its not in its home so I know she packed it. It puts me in a great mood as I know that at some point in the next couple of days, I'll have sex! She also packs sexy lingerie, and that's always fun to see once or twice a year.
This time I looked, the bag was on the shelf. I didn't say a word, but I was worried. I told myself, "She just forgot. Hey we can just pick them up there, and she might enjoy a new toy."
Both nights came and went. The first night we did some date night flirting, I thought things might be good. We stayed out really late for us. When we got back to the hotel she told me to hop into the shower first. (Always a good sign) Nope. Nothing. The 2nd night may have been my fault. I don't know if I was much fun, there wasn't a lot of flirting.
The next day we went home. She told me she had a great time and that we should try to take these little breaks more often. I just smiled and told her that we all needed some time to recharge. I won't say I didn't enjoy myself, but I feel like I lost something that was dear to me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2019 11:48:17 GMT -5
Yep. My wife used to actively avoid any getaways. I made my last attempt to plan a parents-only getaway in about 2002 (that would have made me 35, kids were all under 6). I made the cabin reservation, got the sitter, etc. and my wife came up with a series of excuses so I cancelled. I also never tried again. I haven't followed your full backstory but my advice is the age old, sage old ILIASM advice and I'm about 10 years ahead of you on this curve. It really is stay/leave. If you stay, you have to let go completely of your spouse as a sexual partner. For me that mostly meant letting go of resentment.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 17, 2019 13:32:56 GMT -5
1. I realized children changes everything. If its a family vacation, there is a zero percent chance of sex. I accept that. I think it would be fun to try to sneak it in sometimes 2. This time I looked, the bag was on the shelf. I didn't say a word, but I was worried. I told myself, "She just forgot. Hey we can just pick them up there, and she might enjoy a new toy." These two sentences grabbed my attention a bit more. I'm dating a woman who has two young kids. And I just went on a first vacation with her and my own two slightly older kids. Yes, children change many things, such as "how do you have sex discretely on vacation with your kids?" We figured it out and made it happen. Despite kids, there was no question that it would happen, because it is something we want with each other. If we didn't have a mutual desire for sex with each other, then "children change everything" would likely have been a sufficient explanation for not doing it. As for the bag, is it that you you think she is forgetting to have sex with you? Like it's an oversight or mistake?
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Post by javba on Oct 17, 2019 13:43:38 GMT -5
After going around the block multiple multiple times it's my considered firm belief beyond reasonable doubt you cannot dick people who do not want to be dicked even if you're married to them. They're like bad renters holding the lease but pay only when they have to. In short the stories of "recovery in dead bedrooms" are exceptions and not the rule.
Kids DO change the equation in favor of the Lower Libido partner. So the HL has "be the change s/he wants to be" I cannot advocate for any solutions as each scenario is different. HOWEVER IMHO time does not IMPROVE things either.
Sorry - Kinda down these days.
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sunnysean
Junior Member
Posts: 59
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by sunnysean on Oct 17, 2019 14:01:25 GMT -5
2. This time I looked, the bag was on the shelf. I didn't say a word, but I was worried. I told myself, "She just forgot. Hey we can just pick them up there, and she might enjoy a new toy." As for the bag, is it that you you think she is forgetting to have sex with you? Like it's an oversight or mistake? I don't think it was a mistake. When it comes to planning, she is almost OCD. She thinks of every last detail when it comes to a trip. It's not like she plans a time schedule for our vacations, she just plans for all contingencies. She also ensures she has options. If she thinks there might be a weather change, she packs a backup outfit for that change. I think she chose not to bring the "bag", because she didn't want to have sex with me. I think if I tried to bring it up, that was going to be the starting point of a reason we couldn't have sex.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 17, 2019 14:16:18 GMT -5
As for the bag, is it that you you think she is forgetting to have sex with you? Like it's an oversight or mistake? I don't think it was a mistake. I think she chose not to bring the "bag", because she didn't want to have sex with me. I think if I tried to bring it up, that was going to be the starting point of a reason we couldn't have sex. I think you are beginning to figure it out. Unfortunately for you, (based on the most common denominator at this site) your running timeline of frequency and it's gradual diminishing says you are probably past the peak as far as intimacy is concerned. IMHO, the most likely scenario will be a continued fall off in frequency. One by one the occasions when sex was fairly likely will go away until you find yourself powering through the whole year sexless. Right about that time you will need to decide if that's a "deal breaker" for you.
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sunnysean
Junior Member
Posts: 59
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by sunnysean on Oct 17, 2019 15:29:08 GMT -5
worksforme2 I certainly can see the foreshadowing. It's been 96 days. Yes, I pathetically track. I put a little cryptic note on my calendar. "Change the Filter" I also have change the water filter and change the HVAC filter (Those two are real), but Changed the Filter is my code word for sexy time. I've done this the past several years, but I delete them on January 1 in the spirt of a new year. But It's not like I don't remember close enough. I think In another post I said this had been a better year, I think I may have misspoke and didn't do the math. It's been three times this year and unless we can get the job done a couple more times, this will be the worse year.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2019 17:26:46 GMT -5
worksforme2 I certainly can see the foreshadowing. It's been 96 days. Yes, I pathetically track. I put a little cryptic note on my calendar. "Change the Filter" I also have change the water filter and change the HVAC filter (Those two are real), but Changed the Filter is my code word for sexy time. I've done this the past several years, but I delete them on January 1 in the spirt of a new year. But It's not like I don't remember close enough. I think In another post I said this had been a better year, I think I may have misspoke and didn't do the math. It's been three times this year and unless we can get the job done a couple more times, this will be the worse year. Spouses that don't want sex (or sex with you) have a limited and finite amount of energy for sex and intimacy. Every interchange drains this limited tank. If you could do a 30 years trendline (in my case), it would be a slope down with steeper slopes around birth of kids (limited and finite amount of overall energy leaves even less for sex) and then a gradual decline to an empty nest. If you're an idiot (like me), you think the empty next might be re-connect time. Nope. Trend line steeper down in peri-menopause and then straight to zero at menopause. This will happen so gradually that you will remain hopeful that some "why" will be the one to "fix it". You won't find a why and you won't fix it. You'll just realize one day in your early 50s that the sex life you had hoped for, thought was reasonable, assumed would eventually materialize never happened and now you're done. That's the reality. Stay or leave. Staying is a legitimate choice for many reasons but you've got to let go of the sexy hope.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 17, 2019 20:30:49 GMT -5
We have been married 19 years. One vacation alone. 2 with the kids. The rest have been solo. I guess it can always be worse, right?
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 17, 2019 20:44:03 GMT -5
worksforme2 I certainly can see the foreshadowing. It's been 96 days. Yes, I pathetically track. I put a little cryptic note on my calendar. It's not pathetic to track frequency. I also did it. For me it was to counter her argument that "we just had sex". By pulling out the calendar I could show when specific acts of intimacy took place. I had an O for blowjobs, a P for piv and an X for anal. After I showed her the tally the "we just had sex " went away. But new and inventive dodges took its place.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 17, 2019 23:32:42 GMT -5
Is it just me or does everyone get extra horny when you travel?
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Post by baza on Oct 18, 2019 0:32:55 GMT -5
Your thread is titled "Death Of Vacation Sex".
It could just as easy been titled "Death Of Valentines Day Sex" or "Death Of Birthday Sex" or "Death OF New Years Eve Sex" or any other event you care to nominate.
And, soon enough it will be "all of the above" .... as your sex life goes down the gurgler.
If you so choose, you can watch the process, as it gets chipped away bit by bit until there's nothing left.
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Post by Handy on Oct 18, 2019 0:48:42 GMT -5
sunnysean, maybe your W is waiting for you to pack that bag of sexy items.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 18, 2019 1:30:24 GMT -5
worksforme2 I certainly can see the foreshadowing. It's been 96 days. Yes, I pathetically track. I put a little cryptic note on my calendar. "Change the Filter" I also have change the water filter and change the HVAC filter (Those two are real), but Changed the Filter is my code word for sexy time. I've done this the past several years, but I delete them on January 1 in the spirt of a new year. But It's not like I don't remember close enough. I think In another post I said this had been a better year, I think I may have misspoke and didn't do the math. It's been three times this year and unless we can get the job done a couple more times, this will be the worse year. Spouses that don't want sex (or sex with you) have a limited and finite amount of energy for sex and intimacy. Every interchange drains this limited tank. If you could do a 30 years trendline (in my case), it would be a slope down with steeper slopes around birth of kids (limited and finite amount of overall energy leaves even less for sex) and then a gradual decline to an empty nest. If you're an idiot (like me), you think the empty next might be re-connect time. Nope. Trend line steeper down in peri-menopause and then straight to zero at menopause. This will happen so gradually that you will remain hopeful that some "why" will be the one to "fix it". You won't fine a why and you won't fix it. You'll just realize one day in your early 50s that the sex life you had hoped for, thought was reasonable, assumed would eventually materialize never happened and now you're done. That's the reality. Stay or leave. Leaving is a legitimate choice for many reasons but you've got to let go of the sexy hope. This is EXACTLY what happened to me, my wife hit menopause and sex went to zero and I was told she lost her sexual desire and she was not interested in doing anything such as HRT because of cancer scare. But I didn't want to believe it would end ALL intimacy but it did and I tried for 20 years with no success. I'm trying to work out financial problems so I can leave and get divorced. I'm not ready to give up sex, even though I've now gone as long without sex as I had before I had sex the first time.
I will NEVER have any hope of sex if I stay in this marriage. At least out of it, I have some HOPE of having sex again.
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Post by lessingham on Oct 18, 2019 2:40:22 GMT -5
Vacation sex is the worst. Every time I tell her how important it is for me and every time she promises. Then the litany, too tired, long day, ate too much, a busy day ahead, bed too hard or soft, the people in the next room can hear, the cleaning staff are around, too hot and ya da ya de yah. I could cope if she did not garnish it with lies and she was not even prepared to bother. I must be the only guy in the world that went to Thailand and never got laid! But again, why would a change of venue change anything.
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