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Post by solodriver on Nov 11, 2019 12:14:04 GMT -5
If a person doesn't miss something or has no desire to do certain things (sexuality) then the "Blue Pill" sounds like a way around a persons frustrations and disappointments. That sounds like a decent medical alternative to some very frustrating and unhappy periods of time. It is sort of like taking an anti-depressant medication and solving the depression. OTH, a person can go through turmoil, end a relationship, and hope they wind up in a relationship that works for both partners. To me it comes down to what risks a person wants to take and how much work they are willing to do on then self and how much work they are willing to do to find a relationship that fits both partners AND continue to make reasonable adjustments. So we have the easy "PILL" or the work route. Written in true Baza style.
But I agree with you.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 10, 2019 4:18:53 GMT -5
When we used to share a bedroom, I told my wife not to be walking around naked any more. For her to be naked and not let me touch her was like walking a starving man by an all-you-can-eat buffet but tell him he can't have any of it. I can undress in front of my husband and he doesn’t look. I was fresh out of the shower the other day. Put my foot up on the bed to put lotion on my legs. That garnered not even a sideways glance, let alone any attempt at touching me. It’s kind of weird. Like it doesn’t even register. I take a sort of perverse pleasure in being unclothed or partially clothed in front of him. Or wearing a new bra or underwear that make me feel good. Here’s what you’re missing, buddy. My body is far from perfect but it has some really good parts. Lol. Hmm. Guess I’m feeling a little catty this morning. catty is cool
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Post by solodriver on Nov 10, 2019 4:05:36 GMT -5
Even when I want to be affectionate with my W (cuddling, holding hands, or just moving closer in bed), my resentment rears its head and I think better of it. I have a hard time even paying her a simple compliment these days without swallowing the words. Oh yes this rang bells from my SM. I similarly began to resent the casual affection and touching which was normal for me. I also began to resent those everyday actions undertaken simply to delight H such as a little note in his lunchbox, making his favourite food, texting him in the workday so he knew he was in my thoughts. I stopped it all as the resentment got too much. After a little while, I became conflicted as this was just not me. I enjoyed the kindness, being thoughtful and communicating his importance to me. The conflict was because he did not appreciate it and he certainly didn’t reciprocate. So rather than change who I was, I changed his place in my life. I look forward one day to have someone to spoil. Sounds familiar. I love being affectionate. So since I was rejected for giving affection and never receiving any back, she is now my legal roommate and I would not show affection to a roommate.
I too look forward to a day when I will have someone to spoil with love and affection all the time who would appreciate it.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 5, 2019 20:55:10 GMT -5
We have been on the same page mostly and have paid off all our debts 10 years ago except the house and we are both committed to not incurring any new debt. That helps a lot as I look to moving out some day. I won't have to worry about paying debts but, losing a good portion of the finances we have built up over the years is a hard price to pay. But money isn't everything. Living in a smaller house with a bare bones budget may still be worth the sacrifice. A little wisdom from Proverbs 21:9: "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Peace in a small house will be much better than losing a little piece of your soul every day in a larger house with someone you don't love. I fully agree with you that downsizing would be preferable to living with her, but the problem is I'm already near the bottom. I don't have much downsizing I can do. The biggest thing I will downsize is the grocery bill because I am conscientious enough to plan ahead to avoid waste and I won't be buying things I don't need to survive. W is big on having snacks around, and always buys a bunch of fresh fruit that she leaves around to rot. Our house isn't really very valuable and due to the current housing market, we could barely break even if we sold it. Our vehicles are all used. I'm still wearing the same clothes to work that I've had for over 3 years. There's not much room below me to downsize. I get what you're saying, but I'm not in a position to move forward. I'm in EXACTLY the same position. It's very hard to move forward but I know that month by month the bills are coming down. But that's why I decided to emotionally separate myself from her. She keeps to herself and I keep to myself and only discuss things like finances, household problems or the pets. I'm hoping by this time next year my situation will be completely different.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 5, 2019 19:14:47 GMT -5
Money is definitely a consideration in planning the transition. I'm glad you are looking at all sides. Money may be the most important consideration. Especially when you have limited or no financial resources to draw upon. It just makes the SM situation more exasperating.
The good news is there are a few members here who have dealt with that and have some good advice on how to deal with it. It doesn't make the situation any easier but their ideas can help make it more bearable until the time that you can initiate a separation/divorce.
I found having an "emotional separation" has at least helped, even though some days are harder than others still when it comes to dealing with my refuser. For me it can be an hour to hour struggle to stay focused and positive. Having a few friends in my support network helps so much.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 5, 2019 19:02:14 GMT -5
We have been on the same page mostly and have paid off all our debts 10 years ago except the house and we are both committed to not incurring any new debt. That helps a lot as I look to moving out some day. I won't have to worry about paying debts but, losing a good portion of the finances we have built up over the years is a hard price to pay. But money isn't everything. Living in a smaller house with a bare bones budget may still be worth the sacrifice. A little wisdom from Proverbs 21:9: "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Peace in a small house will be much better than losing a little piece of your soul every day in a larger house with someone you don't love. I agree.
But a small house or even a room is better than homelessness.
The problem is having to adjust and change the mindset to deal with the "quarrelsome (lazy, refusing, arrogant, mean) wife.
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Post by solodriver on Nov 2, 2019 23:17:07 GMT -5
We have not had a real update from you since she was making an effort. This is my sense and experience- all effort eventually dries up and you end up in the exact same place again with more resentment. How many cycles will we go through before we give up? Sounds like you are there, my friend. I am so sorry and so happy for you at the same time. Clarity is an essential element for movement. I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to emget out quick. You are young and awesome and have lots of time and adventure ahead of you. I've been there for a while. I completely gave up on any hope of her changing. I'm devoting my effort to finances now. I'm working on separating accounts, pushing her to be more mindful of spending, and paying down debts that cannot be added to (student loans, car loan, but not credit cards). While I understand that credit cards have higher interest rates and it makes more sense to pay those first, anytime I knock one down, she runs it back up again so I quit trying. I'm really just stuck waiting for the right conditions to leave. A number of different things could move me closer to that goal but I have little control over them. I'm living life in limbo. I'm fighting the same battle. We're just roommates trying to get the financials in shape so I can separate and start my divorce and a new life. I can't do it under the current financial situation, though it is improving, just a very slow process.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 29, 2019 0:51:48 GMT -5
The washing pile reached over a metre high. She just bought new clothes rather than wash them. That's EXACTLY what my wife now does. I only do my laundry and some towels so that I have clean towels and washcloths to use, not for her benefit. Her clothes just piles up and over her dirty clothes basket and in piles around it.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 29, 2019 0:42:04 GMT -5
We are in this weird in between state where we are divorcing but still living together. It is awkward so my answer is skewed. I did not stop doing things until it got bad. For example we built him his dream study, invested tons of money. It is enormous and all his. I started off helping to take care of the space then just stopped. I told him it was his space entirely and he could look after it. It now looks like a mild episode of hoarders. But of course it is only hurting me as it is our house and the dust and cobwebs and who knows what else is not good for anyone. And when he cannot find the thousands of postits he bought he goes out to buy thousands more. But this whole chore thing is a weird topic. Like are you only doing those things for your partner? It is your house too, no? Why is yardwork a favor to your SO as opposed to a task to maintain the home you own? It is a sensitive topic because I do so much more than he does. And he is so much messier than everyone else. Your words are my situation right now, we are separated but still living together. I leave her bedroom for her to take care of. It's her space and she makes it look like something from an episode of Hoarders. Her problem not mine. I do most of the house work to help maintain the house and keep it from completely becoming a disaster. And my wife doesn't ever pick up behind herself, just leaves messes everywhere she goes and I mean EVERYWHERE. Sometimes I lose my temper when I come home from working 8 hours, having a 1 hour commute bumper to bumper each way and walk in to have to pick up behind her from all the messes she has left all day.
I think my situation is similar to warmways in that when she left her ex let the place run down and become filthy. I think my wife will do the very same thing when I leave. And that thought is very sad and very scary but I won't let it stop me from doing what I have to do to have a new life.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 26, 2019 1:34:49 GMT -5
I want to be with someone who, appreciates and desires me. I get none of that and haven't had that in this SM for over 20 years. I'm just an income for her at this point. Like I always say: I have NO hope of a loving relationship if I stay in this marriage, but at least out of it I can have a chance of HOPE for finding a loving, caring, nurturing, physical relationship, one that I can give back as much as I receive, which also won't happen in my SM. So, why are you staying? Answering this question might help me understand why I’m staying. I could have written your post word for word for myself. Michae I'm only staying long enough to build my financial situation where I can leave and be able to support myself. We are deep in debt and when I got an attorney consult last spring, she suggested that if possible, to pay off some or all of my debts first because after the divorce there would be very little to no money to start over. The attorney was very concerned I would be setting myself up to become homeless. She suggested that I try to get the debts paid down considerably so that there could be enough money for the divorce and to start over. I live in a very high cost state and area and I just read that the homeless population overall in this area is 30% and growing due to no available affordable housing. The problem for me is I don't have any relatives or family that I can stay with. And I haven't found a friend who I feel comfortable enough to ask because this could be a long term situation just trying to get through the divorce especially the financial piece. But if that situation should change, I will definitely move out and forward.
So I decided to emotionally separate myself from my refuser and we now act as roommates. Some days are easier to deal with than others because we don't agree on anything. But we are working to pay off the debt together.
The attorney even told me that she doubted I would be able to get any attorney to help me because seeing my financial status would cause them to shy away for fear that I would not be able to pay them.
It was, needless to say, a vey bitter pill to swallow. But if I want to have any HOPE of finding joy in my life again, I've got to go through this first. I'm going to see where I am and have another attorney consult next year.
I'm just trying to take one day at a time.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 24, 2019 22:01:45 GMT -5
solodriver - I know you have an exit plan and are working toward leaving your marriage. To clarify- your reason for leaving is your hope for a loving and fulfilling relationship? Was there any specific occurrence that made you decide to leave or was it a slow realization that your w is unable/unwilling to give you want you need to be happy? It was the realization that she was unwilling/unable to love me the way she had the first 10 years of our marriage. I foolishly thought that she loved me enough to care about my needs but all she has cared about is how she feels about herself physically as a result of menopause. She didn't try to do anything to keep the closeness we once shared and withdrew further and further as the years have gone by.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 24, 2019 19:15:45 GMT -5
I want to be with someone who, appreciates and desires me. I get none of that and haven't had that in this SM for over 20 years. I'm just an income for her at this point. Like I always say: I have NO hope of a loving relationship if I stay in this marriage, but at least out of it I can have a chance of HOPE for finding a loving, caring, nurturing, physical relationship, one that I can give back as much as I receive, which also won't happen in my SM.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 24, 2019 17:11:47 GMT -5
Go Nats!! At least I know who is in the series this year. Kind of hard not to, living in Houston. Sad part is I've seen the Nats play twice this year and the Astros once lol Well I grew up in the Washington DC area and watched the Senators move to Texas to become the Rangers. Washington hasn't been in the World Series since 1924. It would be neat to see that happen for them.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 23, 2019 23:06:07 GMT -5
Go Nats!!
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Post by solodriver on Oct 21, 2019 23:15:51 GMT -5
rhapsodee I told her it was amazing. Better than ever. Yea, someone needs to say sex is great past 55 years old. Well we know Northstarmom tells it is great so maybe the word will get out, but I doubt the old sour-pusses will change their minds. I bet angeleyes65 with also endorse how great it is!
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