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Post by warmways on Nov 16, 2016 17:36:40 GMT -5
My H said after he hugged/kissed goodbye this morning. For a long time I've felt weird being physical for those few seconds when other than that daily gesture, we're not connected physically or emotionally and I dread that moment because it feels false.
I told him it feels uncomfortable to be intimate when it's the only time we hug/kiss. He said "What should we do about it?" I said I didn't know because I can't speak what I really feel as he blows up in anger or anxiety or acting like a victim or shutting down. If so many sexless and emotionally vacant years hadn't passed and I didn't have resentment and could trust him I'd say:
lets try counseling. We did try several times and he was unable to change. One therapist stated he kept my pussy in a cage. Saying that I was being asked to be faithful but my sexuality was locked up. She suggested the idea of my having an affair which he of course shot down.
Over the the years I was in a very confused and foggy state, always trying to figure things out and but the problem was that it was one sided.
His birthday was yesterday but I had to work all day up until midnight so I made him a big dinner tonight and wrapped presents, got a cake, I still care for him and I want to keep our positive friendship because if our relationship were any worse I think I'd die of sadness and lonliness.
Almost called the lawyer and realized what's holding me back is lack of funds How can I afford one? Money and change and making him sad. I'm one of those people that takes a really really long time to move on. Basically I'm scared. Thanx for reading this far. I'm thankful for this platform. This was just a vent!! :-)
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 16, 2016 17:58:47 GMT -5
warmways, there are so many parallels between our stories from those few short paragraphs. Your husband sounds like the male version of my wife, except there is no hugging, just a peck on the lips before bedtime, then she goes to sleep in another room and has for a really, really long time. In fact, I told a complete stranger today how long it had been, she repeated the number of years, then her mouth dropped open, she was rendered speechless, her eyes teared up, and she gave me a hug. I genuinely feel for you too!
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 16, 2016 19:05:58 GMT -5
Sorry if this sounds nit-picky. There's much more to talk about in both your posts. However, does that little ceremonial peck mean something to you? I personally began to despise it. It seemed like an insult. I felt like I was being played or taken advantage of.
All it took was two times, turning my lips away and offering my cheek. Both times in the morning, in the kitchen, in front of the children. You know, where it made her look good, "what a devoted, caring, giving, selfless, loving wife!" Well those two times ended it. No discussion, no communication. In fact it probably made her happier. I was glad to have nothing, instead of the fake ceremony.
You might want to try that, and see what their reaction is. If it really means anything to them too.
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Post by warmways on Nov 16, 2016 19:09:36 GMT -5
Thanks so much..and it's interesting that she tears up when thinking about how long she's abandoned you.
I think he genuinely cares for me and doesn't want to lose me but only on his comfortable for him detached terms. I guess Ive been afraid to leave because i can lull myself into believing I can live like this until the times when I look squarely at the emotionless non connectedness and sexlessness and feel that total lonliness we're all familiar with.
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Post by warmways on Nov 16, 2016 19:12:23 GMT -5
Sorry if this sounds nit-picky. There's much more to talk about in both your posts. However, does that little ceremonial peck mean something to you? I personally began to despise it. It seemed like an insult. I felt like I was being played or taken advantage of. All it took was two times, turning my lips away and offering my cheek. Both times in the morning, in the kitchen, in front of the children. You know, where it made her look good, "what a devoted, caring, giving, selfless, loving wife!" Well those two times ended it. No discussion, no communication. In fact it probably made her happier. I was glad to have nothing, instead of the fake ceremony. You might want to try that, and see what their reaction is. If it really means anything to them too. I absolutely am hating it. I convinced myself it was okay for so long but now my body just revolts. I thought about offering my cheek this morning but chickened out. Late for work now but more later!
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Post by JonDoe on Nov 16, 2016 20:17:21 GMT -5
Sorry if this sounds nit-picky. There's much more to talk about in both your posts. However, does that little ceremonial peck mean something to you? I personally began to despise it. It seemed like an insult. I felt like I was being played or taken advantage of. All it took was two times, turning my lips away and offering my cheek. Both times in the morning, in the kitchen, in front of the children. You know, where it made her look good, "what a devoted, caring, giving, selfless, loving wife!" Well those two times ended it. No discussion, no communication. In fact it probably made her happier. I was glad to have nothing, instead of the fake ceremony. You might want to try that, and see what their reaction is. If it really means anything to them too. No, the peck before bed and the "Love you" have become meaningless to me. They are a ritual for her though, unless she is mad. However, I've turned my cheek to her for a long time, but only far enough that she misses my lips. I've thought of slipping her the tongue a few times, which would probably end the ritual, and get me a smack in the face too. I also no longer use the words "Love you" in a sentence to her.
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Post by baza on Nov 17, 2016 0:14:16 GMT -5
Quoting you here Sister warmways - "Almost called the lawyer and realized what's holding me back is lack of funds" - In my jurisdiction, the initial lawyer consult is invariably free. - Do you have a reasonable idea of what you and your spouses net assets are ? If you divide that figure by two, then there is an approximation of how much money *you* would get out of a divorce. Does your position of "lacking funds" still hold good ?
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Post by warmways on Nov 17, 2016 10:56:00 GMT -5
Good point Baz. I'll ask hot how much and when she needs to be paid. I know what are net assets are. My concern was that I wouldn't be able to pay her until after the divorce when I believe she'd need compensation throughout the process.
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Post by Dan on Nov 18, 2016 8:43:02 GMT -5
My H said after he hugged/kissed goodbye this morning. For a long time I've felt weird being physical for those few seconds when other than that daily gesture, we're not connected physically or emotionally and I dread that moment because it feels false. ... Like JonDoe , I very much identify with your story if you reverse the genders. I have gone through stages of being nearly revolted by her touch. Mostly a resentment reflex, I guess. I'm less that way now; I have come to some sort of "detente" in my own head: these things are "OK": peck on the cheek, sitting next to me watching TV, our legs sometimes cross in bed. Things that I still have a strong aversion to: the idea of "making out with her" (shame: I love kissing; I'd even say I'm pretty good at it), and if she starts to caress me "sexually" in bed. (This just makes my whole body go "ewww".) So: I just avoid the latter situations. As for paying for a lawyer: if he has enough money for a divorce lawyer, then you do, too: your assets are shared! Just ask a lawyer for a ball park figure. Know the low range if he "goes along" (nothing contested), and the high range (if he fights). Here's my theory: if your assets are SO LITTLE that you can barely afford a pair of divorce attorneys, then there aren't enough assets for you to fight about! As for the inertia: I hear you sister. I've consciously put my "exit date" two to three years out (owing to my family situation); intellectually, this makes the most sense financially. But sometimes I wonder also if I'm just procrastinating due to emotional inertia. That is part of it, too, I suppose.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Nov 18, 2016 11:50:19 GMT -5
I get three kisses a day. No hugs unless I am the one to initiate. Sometimes when he is in a hurry or distracted, I get the mustache kiss, which I hate and he knows I hate it. He pulls his lips in rather than puckering. I still expect the kisses. He still feels obligated to kiss me. I guess he feels it is the least he can do. I feel it is the most I will get.
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Post by warmways on Nov 18, 2016 15:32:14 GMT -5
That's interesting.. a few years ago I kind of liked the hug but mostly I detested it because It felt good for 30 seconds or less and it made me realize what I'm deprived of. The kiss I haven't liked for a really long time. It was always a big deal - he made a big production if it because he has OCD and would complain if I had lipgloss or lip balm on. He'd get really mad I had put it on. He got over that through going to therapy. I used to always ask for the hug and now I only do if I have a really bad day. Now he's always asking for the hug and kiss (but only in the morning). He worked from home today so didn't approach me.
Now kissing on on the lips feels way too intimate for a almost non existent physical emotional is sexual etc etc relationship. It makes no sense to me. It's just a perfunctory act that feels comfortable to him with no thought about how I might feel. He gets really irritated if I'm not into it. I'm going to woman up and just tell him that as I feel like we're friends it just feels weird.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 18, 2016 15:42:44 GMT -5
That's interesting.. a few years ago I kind of liked the hug but mostly I detested it because It felt good for 30 seconds or less and it made me realize what I'm deprived of. The kiss I haven't liked for a really long time. It was always a big deal - he made a big production if it because he has OCD and would complain if I had lipgloss or lip balm on. He'd get really mad I had put it on. He got over that through going to therapy. I used to always ask for the hug and now I only do if I have a really bad day. Now he's always asking for the hug and kiss (but only in the morning). He worked from home today so didn't approach me. Now kissing on on the lips feels way too intimate for a almost non existent physical emotional is sexual etc etc relationship. It makes no sense to me. It's just a perfunctory act that feels comfortable to him with no thought about how I might feel. He gets really irritated if I'm not into it. I'm going to woman up and just tell him that as I feel like we're friends it just feels weird. Finally, a big win for therapy. After years of it he finally got over his aversion to your lip balm. (Please excuse any literary license I may have taken and now /sarcasm off) I stopped kissing and hugging my STBX too. Yes, it was just weird at so many levels ... But then it may not have been my idea to stop. I'm pretty sure I put in at least 10 years without a hug or kiss or any other affection.
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Post by warmways on Nov 18, 2016 15:49:05 GMT -5
My H said after he hugged/kissed goodbye this morning. For a long time I've felt weird being physical for those few seconds when other than that daily gesture, we're not connected physically or emotionally and I dread that moment because it feels false. ... Like JonDoe , I very much identify with your story if you reverse the genders. I have gone through stages of being nearly revolted by her touch. Mostly a resentment reflex, I guess. I'm less that way now; I have come to some sort of "detente" in my own head: these things are "OK": peck on the cheek, sitting next to me watching TV, our legs sometimes cross in bed. Things that I still have a strong aversion to: the idea of "making out with her" (shame: I love kissing; I'd even say I'm pretty good at it), and if she starts to caress me "sexually" in bed. (This just makes my whole body go "ewww".) So: I just avoid the latter situations. As for paying for a lawyer: if he has enough money for a divorce, then you do, too: your assets are shared! Just ask a lawyer for a ball park figure. Know the low range if he "goes along" (nothing contested), and the high range (if he fights). Here's my theory: if your assets are SO LITTLE that you can barely afford a pair of divorce attorneys, then there aren't enough assets for you to fight about! As for the inertia: I hear you sister. I've consciously put my "exit date" two to three years out (owing to my family situation); intellectually, this makes the most sense financially. But sometimes I wonder also if I'm just procrastinating due to emotional inertia. That is part of it, too, I suppose. Exactly. The though of making out - ugh. no. How can all the avoidance over years make me feel romantic and amorous? All the years of having to hold back and stifle feelings because he refused me changed my feelings towards him. Thanks for for putting the lawyer fee into perspective. I really appreciate it. Yes, we're dinks we can afford lawyers. I think fighting through the inertia helps when a combination of factors are faced, (obviously part of the courage to leave comes from being bold and you make the call and tell your spouse. By factors I mean: all the necessity steps for your exit plan as well as getting to a more positive self acceptance of wherever you're at and however long it's taken you and accepting that so you're not "getting in your own way" and have the energy and confidence you're going to need going forward. Also, thanks for weighing in. I feel less alone.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 18, 2016 16:26:20 GMT -5
One way to get a convo started after you start avoiding that perfunctory kiss entirely... When he asks what's going on...
"For xx years you've been training me not to want you. Congratulations, you've succeeded"
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Post by itsjustus on Nov 18, 2016 23:44:12 GMT -5
Quoting you here Sister warmways - "Almost called the lawyer and realized what's holding me back is lack of funds" - In my jurisdiction, the initial lawyer consult is invariably free. - Do you have a reasonable idea of what you and your spouses net assets are ? If you divide that figure by two, then there is an approximation of how much money *you* would get out of a divorce. Does your position of "lacking funds" still hold good ? Posted by warmwaysyesterday at 9:56am
Good point Baz. I'll ask hot how much and when she needs to be paid. I know what are net assets are. My concern was that I wouldn't be able to pay her until after the divorce when I believe she'd need compensation throughout the process.
Warmways is right. Baz is correct that in almost all jurisdictions, there would be a 50/50 split in marital assets, we all know this. But what to do for that initial payment, after the 1/2 hour (or whatever) free consultation. It's very common here in the states that the attorney want's $1000 to $1500 payment up front for uncontested and up to $3000 to $4000 for contested divorces, before they will lift a finger. That's a lot of money up front....and usually pretty hard to hide that it's been spent. Also, a lot of women can't necessarily get a loan because their biggest assets....vehicles and homes, are joint owned and it takes both owner's signatures to secure a cash loan on that asset. I see this as a very difficult issue when it comes to initiating a divorce. On top of that, there is the concept of penalties for pre-filing misappropriation of martial funds for the benefit of only one spouse. These rules are intended to keep a spouse from hiding money, or spending large amounts just prior to filing for a divorce in an attempt to keep a larger share. But a wide number of courts have ruled that a spouse spending money on a divorce attorney falls under these rules and laws, as it only benefits the filing spouse!!! WTF!! So? Where do you get the money to initiate a divorce. You can't get a loan. You can't use marital funds. you can't even use your own paycheck that you set aside because.....50% is the other person's as marital assets! A horrible catch 22. I have seen a lot of people, mostly women, get trapped by this inequity in securing the services of an attorney. I imagine a lot of people here are held back by this issue. Worthy of discussion.......
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