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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:40:42 GMT -5
Solodriver said: “snuggle. She immediately pulled away and asked "What are you doing?" I said I wanted to watch TV with her since we don't do that ” You lied. That’s not what you were doing. You were trying to have sex, a normal thing for most people who are living romantically together. Why didn’t you just straight out say what you wanted? Of course your wife knew what you were trying to do. She knew that by throwing the ball directky in your court you’d back off and she could easily continue her sm. She knows you have no balls when it comes to meeting your sexual needs. She has no reason to change her behavior. Indeed, she was probably happy that you left the bed. She doesn’t want you to touch you. However, she wants to retain the benefits of marriage. You make it easy for her to have the marriage she wants. Now that you’ve done your experiment what’s your next step? Or will you continue in the marriage as you always have? If you continue the same why did you bother with the experiment? No more experiments. Thanks for the reality check..
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:36:30 GMT -5
So sorry. I have been there too. At least you know with great clarity Oh yes, it's very, very clear now that she doesn't have the capability for affection or to sexually have desire for me ever again.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:33:50 GMT -5
Sometimes, it is the innocuous little things that sets things off. The "wrong" (right) word at the "wrong" (right) time - the "wrong" (right) bit of body language at the "wrong" (right) time.....and the fuse is lit. I hope you are well prepped for the next bit Brother solodriver - a really challenging path lies ahead. Yes my friend baza, I knew what to expect when I did this and I knew what I needed to do afterwards. Because even if, by some wild chance in hell, she had let me cuddle and caress her, afterwards we'd be back to where we were. You're right my challenging path lies ahead but I'm focusing on those who have gone and are going before me down this path to stay focused and not looking back, other than to remind myself why I'm doing what I'm doing.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:29:41 GMT -5
...It is now obvious that our marriage has disintegrated. There is nothing left.
I'm making my plans and living my life now accordingly. Now, there is a real red pill moment. Well done, solodriver . Yes there is no turning back now.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:28:37 GMT -5
Tonight I decided to try the experiment with my wife that lonelywifey tried with her husband. My results were not surprising, but it hurt just the same.
While my wife was watching TV in the bedroom, I came in and stripped down to my boxers. She didn't say anything as I was standing there, so after a few minutes I got into the bed. After some chitchat about the TV show, and since my back was against the wall and she had ALL the pillows behind her, I scooted over next to her to try and snuggle. She immediately pulled away and asked "What are you doing?" I said I wanted to watch TV with her since we don't do that anymore and I thought it would be nice to snuggle. She said "Don't" and pulled further away. So at the next commercial break I said "Thank You" and got up and left the room.
It is now obvious that our marriage has disintegrated. There is nothing left.
I'm making my plans and living my life now accordingly. Awww, so heartbreaking. It's reminiscent of Lucy yanking the football from Charlie Brown. Good for you for not falling for it anymore! Well I've played the "Charlie Brown" part for so long it's hard to stop. But not anymore.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 2:16:09 GMT -5
Tonight I decided to try the experiment with my wife that lonelywifey tried with her husband. My results were not surprising, but it hurt just the same.
While my wife was watching TV in the bedroom, I came in and stripped down to my boxers. She didn't say anything as I was standing there, so after a few minutes I got into the bed. After some chitchat about the TV show, and since my back was against the wall and she had ALL the pillows behind her, I scooted over next to her to try and snuggle. She immediately pulled away and asked "What are you doing?" I said I wanted to watch TV with her since we don't do that anymore and I thought it would be nice to snuggle. She said "Don't" and pulled further away. So at the next commercial break I said "Thank You" and got up and left the room.
It is now obvious that our marriage has disintegrated. There is nothing left.
I'm making my plans and living my life now accordingly.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 1:58:30 GMT -5
Security and commitment. I guess that's why we made it to our 30th anniversary. but those two things won't be enough to sustain this in the future.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 1:53:10 GMT -5
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Post by solodriver on Jun 18, 2018 20:49:30 GMT -5
W: Let me take you out for Father's Day. Me: I'm not in the mood, but if you want to go out, fine. W: Where do you want to go? Me: I don't know, maybe that burger place. W: Ugh. OK, if you want, it's your day. W. How about the fish place? Me: I'm not really in the mood for fish. W: OK, it's your day. (Driving) W: Are you sure you don't want to go to the fish place? Me: I didn't really, but if you want I'll go. W: No, no, it's your day, you decide. Just the burger place might be crowded. Me, resigned: OK, we'll pass by the fish place and you can look in and see if it looks crowded. W: OK....it looks like there are some seats. You sure you are OK going here? Me: Sure, it's fine. (At meal) W: See? Isn't this better than the other place? Me: It's very good. (Which it is, I just wasn't in the mood.) W: Thanks so much for coming here. If we would have gone to the burger place, I would have listened to complaints about the food. So I gave in, and she got her wish for where to eat and I didn't, but she can claim that she let me make the decision. This is a microcosm of the marriage in the good times. Mostly polite but she will always get her way because it isn't worth it for me to fight. OMG you must be married to my wife's twin sister. It's all about them being in control, ALL THE TIME!
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Post by solodriver on Jun 18, 2018 20:46:01 GMT -5
Father’s Day was spent letting H sleep until 11 then go golfing with a friend. I took our young son out for the day (a reptile zoo and mini amusement park) for yet another new experience that was sadly, only with mom and not with dad. But if I waited for H to be available in these things, our kid would never get to experience anything new! After, son and I visited with some family and then came home to meet H for dinner because he wanted to grill steaks. We gave him a couple small gifts and a homemade card from the kiddo. I am ok with him wanting to do what he wants to do on his day. But it does make me a little sad that what he wants to do on Father’s Day does not include spending time with his son. Especially since he is gone for work so often. On a similar topic, I went on Facebook that night and saw all the happy pictures of friends’ families spending the day together. It just reinforced for me that this is not the marriage or life that I want. lonelywifey, all I can think of is what a difference a year makes. Some day in the future, your h. may wake up and realize all of the wonderful things he let pass him by. I would not want to be in his shoes when that happens.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 17, 2018 23:53:49 GMT -5
Hi Andie, welcome back. I'm glad to see you again my friend
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Post by solodriver on Jun 11, 2018 0:40:35 GMT -5
This group is still the best as far as the amount of information pertaining to our SMs. I sure hope we don't lose this like what happened to EP. I have a lot of people I admire on here and I hope not to lose.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 10, 2018 20:45:29 GMT -5
Very true, but back then I wanted to at least acknowledge her on Mother's Day and not completely ignore it like she does me on Father's Day. But it won't be a problem for me in the future.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 9, 2018 15:57:34 GMT -5
I went to the store today to buy Fathers’ Day cards. One to my own father? Easy. One from our son to his father/my H? Simple. But one from me to my refuser H? Nearly impossible. I was on the verge of tears, quite honestly, reading all the sweet lovey dovey cards meant for wives to give to their husband and father of their children; talking about how in love they still are, how they couldn’t imagine a more amazing husband and father, how they wouldn’t change a thing about their lives together... I would love for this to be my reality but it simply is not. And I honestly refuse to give him a card that perpetuates our facade of a marriage. I must have read 30 cards before finding ONE I could settle on, talking about what a great father, provider, and role model he is. Ok, fine. (“Role model” is debatable but I’ll take it.) It was a sobering experience to say the least. I faced the very same dilemma on Mother's Day. My mother passed away several years ago and I sure couldn't find an appropriate card for my wife refuser. So after about a half hour I settled on one from our pets, thanking her for being such a wonderful mother and taking care of them. And I signed it with each of our pets name, and that's what she got. Which is more than she will do for me next week. Several years ago when I commented on the lack of attention on Father's Day, my refuser's response was "Well, your not my father and you're not a father since we have no kids together."
I was deeply shocked and deeply hurt. But for sure, I knew how she felt and where I stood in the scheme of things..
Ever since then, each Father's Day comes and goes with no mention of "Happy Father's Day" or any display of affection or appreciation.
So I always remind myself of what she said every Father's Day so that I don't forget how she sees me and feels about me.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 3, 2018 21:14:39 GMT -5
This is a helpful thread, albeit a slightly painful one to read as I think about what my young son is learning about relationships when he almost never sees his parents kiss or hug or touch, or even really talk much with one another 😕 As for me, I do remember while growing up that all us kids knew that Saturday nights were strictly Mommy and Daddy time. I remember my mother getting a little dressed up, I remember perfume, I remember seeing the light on under their door when I got up late at night to use the bathroom and hearing the murmur of their voices or hushed laughter. As I came to understand what that truly meant I was grossed out as any kid would be, haha, but now as an adult in an intimacy-free marriage I find I am jealous of what they had. They DID model a healthy sexual relationship for me and the lesson carried over. Perhaps that’s why after only 5.5 years of this SM I am seriously contemplating an exit plan. I am thankful for the lesson they taught me. I don’t want to set my son up for failure in his future relationships because I am afraid. your parents had it right
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