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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 9, 2018 13:19:18 GMT -5
I went to the store today to buy Fathers’ Day cards.
One to my own father? Easy. One from our son to his father/my H? Simple. But one from me to my refuser H? Nearly impossible.
I was on the verge of tears, quite honestly, reading all the sweet lovey dovey cards meant for wives to give to their husband and father of their children; talking about how in love they still are, how they couldn’t imagine a more amazing husband and father, how they wouldn’t change a thing about their lives together... I would love for this to be my reality but it simply is not. And I honestly refuse to give him a card that perpetuates our facade of a marriage.
I must have read 30 cards before finding ONE I could settle on, talking about what a great father, provider, and role model he is. Ok, fine. (“Role model” is debatable but I’ll take it.)
It was a sobering experience to say the least.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 9, 2018 14:23:26 GMT -5
There is a positive side to such problems. Look upward and think " Thank you Lord for showing me that this is a failed marriage, me and all three of us (you ,your son, and yes, even your H deserve better) Thank you for giving me the wisdom and the strength to continue forward with the strength and the knowledge to change the things that I can change."
Holidays...way over rated and more about $$$$!!
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Post by mescaline on Jun 9, 2018 14:36:02 GMT -5
Got our 10th wedding anniversary next week and I feel your pain shopping for cards. Present was easy, but finding a card that doesn't mention love or sex is nye in impossible!
May have to get a blank one and write about what a good mother she is. Card companies are missing a few tricks here.
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Post by mescaline on Jun 9, 2018 14:36:53 GMT -5
Also, wise words Greatcoastal. You're right about it being so obviously the truth.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 9, 2018 15:57:34 GMT -5
I went to the store today to buy Fathers’ Day cards. One to my own father? Easy. One from our son to his father/my H? Simple. But one from me to my refuser H? Nearly impossible. I was on the verge of tears, quite honestly, reading all the sweet lovey dovey cards meant for wives to give to their husband and father of their children; talking about how in love they still are, how they couldn’t imagine a more amazing husband and father, how they wouldn’t change a thing about their lives together... I would love for this to be my reality but it simply is not. And I honestly refuse to give him a card that perpetuates our facade of a marriage. I must have read 30 cards before finding ONE I could settle on, talking about what a great father, provider, and role model he is. Ok, fine. (“Role model” is debatable but I’ll take it.) It was a sobering experience to say the least. I faced the very same dilemma on Mother's Day. My mother passed away several years ago and I sure couldn't find an appropriate card for my wife refuser. So after about a half hour I settled on one from our pets, thanking her for being such a wonderful mother and taking care of them. And I signed it with each of our pets name, and that's what she got. Which is more than she will do for me next week. Several years ago when I commented on the lack of attention on Father's Day, my refuser's response was "Well, your not my father and you're not a father since we have no kids together."
I was deeply shocked and deeply hurt. But for sure, I knew how she felt and where I stood in the scheme of things..
Ever since then, each Father's Day comes and goes with no mention of "Happy Father's Day" or any display of affection or appreciation.
So I always remind myself of what she said every Father's Day so that I don't forget how she sees me and feels about me.
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Post by h on Jun 9, 2018 17:55:10 GMT -5
I went to the store today to buy Fathers’ Day cards. One to my own father? Easy. One from our son to his father/my H? Simple. But one from me to my refuser H? Nearly impossible. I was on the verge of tears, quite honestly, reading all the sweet lovey dovey cards meant for wives to give to their husband and father of their children; talking about how in love they still are, how they couldn’t imagine a more amazing husband and father, how they wouldn’t change a thing about their lives together... I would love for this to be my reality but it simply is not. And I honestly refuse to give him a card that perpetuates our facade of a marriage. I must have read 30 cards before finding ONE I could settle on, talking about what a great father, provider, and role model he is. Ok, fine. (“Role model” is debatable but I’ll take it.) It was a sobering experience to say the least. I faced the very same dilemma on Mother's Day. My mother passed away several years ago and I sure couldn't find an appropriate card for my wife refuser. So after about a half hour I settled on one from our pets, thanking her for being such a wonderful mother and taking care of them. And I signed it with each of our pets name, and that's what she got. Which is more than she will do for me next week. Several years ago when I commented on the lack of attention on Father's Day, my refuser's response was "Well, your not my father and you're not a father since we have no kids together."
I was deeply shocked and deeply hurt. But for sure, I knew how she felt and where I stood in the scheme of things..
Ever since then, each Father's Day comes and goes with no mention of "Happy Father's Day" or any display of affection or appreciation.
So I always remind myself of what she said every Father's Day so that I don't forget how she sees me and feels about me.
I had a similar but opposite experience several years into our marriage. My W bought me a Father's Day card. I was confused when she handed it to me and asked her why she would get it for me since we don't have children. It was signed from our pets. I think she took the hint though because she never got me one again. I don't want a Father's Day card from my pets. It's just a reminder that we don't have children directly because of our sexless marriage. At the time, I didn't have the words to describe it as clearly as I can today so I never voiced my feelings.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 9, 2018 18:32:16 GMT -5
"I faced the very same dilemma on Mother's Day. My mother passed away several years ago and I sure couldn't find an appropriate card for my wife refuser. So after about a half hour I settled on one from our pets, thanking her for being such a wonderful mother and taking care of them. And I signed it with each of our pets name, and that's what she got. Which is more than she will do for me next week. Several years ago when I commented on the lack of attention on Father's Day, my refuser's response was "Well, your not my father and you're not a father since we have no kids together.""
You could say the same to her or suggest that each of you give the other cards from the pets.
For people here who are parents but don't want to give father/mothers day cards to your partner: Tell the partner, "Let's just have the kids give us cards for these days," then -- if your kids are still children-- take your kids to the store to pick out cards for their parent.
What's the point of faking it?
My ex was a good parent, so I had no problem with giving him Father's Day cards. A couple of years before we divorced, I said to him that after all of our years of marriage, it didn't seem necessary to celebrate V Day. So we stopped. That was far better than the farce of my having to search for a card that wasn't romantic and his feeling compelled to stop by the grocery the night before so he could "surprise" me in the morning with a bouquet.
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Post by jim44444 on Jun 9, 2018 18:42:14 GMT -5
@loneylywifey, I am trying to understand why you would buy him a Father's Day card. I get buying the one for your son but not youI. I do not buy my W Mother's Day cards nor do I expect a Father's Day card from her. Never have. Birthdays, sure. Anniversaries, OK. But nothing else rates a card. She will get a Vaentine's Day card when she becomes my lover again (fat chance).
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 9, 2018 19:10:51 GMT -5
@loneylywifey, I am trying to understand why you would buy him a Father's Day card. I get buying the one for your son but not youI. I do not buy my W Mother's Day cards nor do I expect a Father's Day card from her. Never have. Birthdays, sure. Anniversaries, OK. But nothing else rates a card. She will get a Vaentine's Day card when she becomes my lover again (fat chance). Because he deserves recognition as a good father. We are co-parents, even if not lovers and I do appreciate him as a provider and my son’s father. And I would be upset if he didn’t recognize me and my efforts on Mothers’ Day because I am a damn good mom to his son. Anniversaries on the other hand...no so sure I want to celebrate that in a couple weeks 😕
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 9, 2018 19:22:20 GMT -5
I just realized one of my first posts on here was almost exactly a year ago: Last Fathers’ Day I offered my H a BJ (for what ended up being the last time) and he turned it down because “it is weird to get a blow job on Fathers Day”.
At the time I hadn’t come to terms yet with just how messed up our situation actually was and it’s actually pretty nice to look back on how much progress I’ve made in a year.
Last year at this time I was still not confronting reality, still being hurt regularly by his constant refusals, still trying, still thinking if I tried hard enough to be what he wanted then he’d want me.
One year later, I have fully come to terms with reality, have made my decision, made my exit plan and intend to tell him in less than a month that I am filing for divorce.
Soon I will be starting my new life. It won’t be without its challenges but I certainly think I will be happier. (And, coincidentally, I’ll be moving forward with a man who would not refuse a BJ any day of the week so I’ll be sure to make up for lost times 😁)
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Post by baza on Jun 9, 2018 19:23:41 GMT -5
Two scenarios.
#1 - off to the shops to procure a couple of simple items unrelated to your ILIASM shithole. Pretty quick and simple process.
#2 - off to the shops to procure something related to your ILIASM shithole. A longer and more angst ridden experience altogether.
The ILIASM experience does tend to infiltrate into every aspect of ones marriage, even relatively straight forward matters.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 9, 2018 19:28:27 GMT -5
" Because he deserves recognition as a good father. We are co-parents, even if not lovers and I do appreciate him as a provider and my son’s father. And I would be upset if he didn’t recognize me and my efforts on Mothers’ Day because I am a damn good mom to his son. :
I can relate. Six years ago, for Father's Day, I e-mailed my h (who was out of the country) detailing the ways in which he had been a good father.
The next day, the day after Father's Day, I woke up, realized my marriage was dead, so I sent my h a note asking for a divorce,
He really was a good dad, and I respect him for that, and support our grown kids in loving him and respecting and appreciating his efforts. I also appreciate how he continues to collaboratively coparent with me.
I can appreciate and honor those qualities of his while also honoring that he and I were not romantically compatible.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 9, 2018 19:28:59 GMT -5
I went to the store today to buy Fathers’ Day cards. One to my own father? Easy. One from our son to his father/my H? Simple. But one from me to my refuser H? Nearly impossible. I was on the verge of tears, quite honestly, reading all the sweet lovey dovey cards meant for wives to give to their husband and father of their children; talking about how in love they still are, how they couldn’t imagine a more amazing husband and father, how they wouldn’t change a thing about their lives together... I would love for this to be my reality but it simply is not. And I honestly refuse to give him a card that perpetuates our facade of a marriage. I must have read 30 cards before finding ONE I could settle on, talking about what a great father, provider, and role model he is. Ok, fine. (“Role model” is debatable but I’ll take it.) It was a sobering experience to say the least. I faced the very same dilemma on Mother's Day. My mother passed away several years ago and I sure couldn't find an appropriate card for my wife refuser. So after about a half hour I settled on one from our pets, thanking her for being such a wonderful mother and taking care of them. And I signed it with each of our pets name, and that's what she got. Which is more than she will do for me next week. Several years ago when I commented on the lack of attention on Father's Day, my refuser's response was "Well, your not my father and you're not a father since we have no kids together."
I was deeply shocked and deeply hurt. But for sure, I knew how she felt and where I stood in the scheme of things..
Ever since then, each Father's Day comes and goes with no mention of "Happy Father's Day" or any display of affection or appreciation.
So I always remind myself of what she said every Father's Day so that I don't forget how she sees me and feels about me.
OUCH solodriver. That is pretty heartless, I’m sorry. Maybe you should remind yourself of what she said more often than once a year when Fathers’ Day rolls around; sounds like that’s how she sees you and feels about you every day. Sorry. ☹️
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Post by flounder on Jun 9, 2018 20:04:41 GMT -5
Mother’s Day card was easy. Like northstarmom,my spouse is a very good parent,and deserving of a special day. Even if she is not good at being a wife and lover. My 10th anniversary was three weeks ago. That was hard. For once I would like to see a card that says,”I love you more than a toothache.”
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Post by pfviento on Jun 9, 2018 21:54:10 GMT -5
I went to the store today to buy Fathers’ Day cards. One to my own father? Easy. One from our son to his father/my H? Simple. But one from me to my refuser H? Nearly impossible. I was on the verge of tears, quite honestly, reading all the sweet lovey dovey cards meant for wives to give to their husband and father of their children; talking about how in love they still are, how they couldn’t imagine a more amazing husband and father, how they wouldn’t change a thing about their lives together... I would love for this to be my reality but it simply is not. And I honestly refuse to give him a card that perpetuates our facade of a marriage. I must have read 30 cards before finding ONE I could settle on, talking about what a great father, provider, and role model he is. Ok, fine. (“Role model” is debatable but I’ll take it.) It was a sobering experience to say the least. I dread events like this. My wife used to have a knack for picking fights on special occasions and eventually it dawned on me there was a reason. I rarely buy her a card and if I do it's usually one from our daughter to her. I will get her a gift but I refuse to pretend or put lies in writing that I am happy with how things stand.
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