|
Post by solodriver on Sept 15, 2018 12:54:37 GMT -5
Has anybody heard from Rhapsodee? We haven't seen her here in about a year.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 15, 2018 11:12:59 GMT -5
I've never broken one but my brother fell out a tree and landed on his arm and broke it in 3 places. I can only say it was gruesome. I've been lucky enough not have had any and I'll take your word for the pain. I truly hope you're feeling better and recover soon. We miss you!
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 14, 2018 20:39:57 GMT -5
I hope that your healing and thanks for checking in. I'm glad your husband took care of you. Hopefully you've been able to take meds for the pain.
|
|
|
Money
Sept 14, 2018 0:36:14 GMT -5
h likes this
Post by solodriver on Sept 14, 2018 0:36:14 GMT -5
I'm neck deep in debt from credit cards and student loans with a mortgage barely above water. Our home value tanked because of a brand new housing development in our area so a decade of payments has left us with no equity in our house. I'm currently working on paying down debts and stashing cash into a savings account. I'm also trying to get my wife into a better paying job which will help us both out. If we stay together, we'll be better off financially, and if not, I may avoid alimony so I help search for new job openings and proofread her applications and resumes. We're still working on saving our marriage for now, but if it isn't fixed before I fix our finances, I'm done. My current preparations will help us both whether we stay together or not so I can say that I'm preparing for both outcomes. Money (or lack of it) is absolutely keeping me in my marriage but I don't plan on letting that continue forever. EXACTLY where I am h. My mortgage, credit card debts, car payment and my wife's student loans debts leave us $0 in the bank after each paycheck. We are in the red and I'm desperately trying to keep us from going under. My wife is working now, more hours and we don't spend any money on anything, other than a drink, once a week. We don't go out for anything and now even fast food has become impossible because the costs have gone up. This holiday season we will spend nothing on us or anybody else. Our gifts to each other this year is paying off our debt. My birthday is next month and I already told her not to break the tradition she started several years ago and don't get me anything, not even a card. (I know, pretty snarky, but that's my mood around her most of the time now.) Just keep paying the bills. That's my birthday present for this year. I'm hoping for much better and fun gifts next year, but I can only get them if the present bills and debts are taken care of.
Financial issues are also keeping me bound but I'm working on my exit plan as best as I can and plan to execute it next summer.
In the meantime I have to try and keep myself under control and deal with this and not say or do anything that will accidently cause me to prematurely cause a problem to my "launch vehicle".
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 12, 2018 23:20:13 GMT -5
Sadly yes it holds me in for now, but my plan is to leave after enough is paid down that I can support myself somewhat comfortably and be able to do the things I want to do. Right now that would be impossible/
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 11, 2018 23:54:16 GMT -5
I know that what I'm about to share isn't new to anyone who has made the decision to leave their marriage. So please bear with me as I share what so many others have discovered for themselves in this process of living and leaving their SM. It will be good reinforcement for the one's who are dealing with this.
I've enjoyed watching and re-living the exciting times of the manned space program on You Tube. On one video about the mission of Apollo 8, Walter Cronkite talked about all the critical phases of the mission that had to go right or disaster would happen. And in my mind popped this thought - marriage is very much like that as well. So many things have to go right or disaster can happen to that marriage and some damage to the "crew" in that marriage.
Next he talked about how, when the spacecraft went into lunar orbit, when it was time to break orbit to return to earth, the engine must fire. If it fails to fire, the spacecraft cannot leave orbit and the crew will eventually die in orbit when their life support systems run out. As I thought about that statement, the vision of my SM reality hit me - this ship is in lunar orbit and the engine has failed to fire, and my ship has been in orbit for a long time and the marital life support systems have been running out. This "crew" is dying. Everything that I have tried to do has failed. I have given up hope and have accepted the fate of this mission.
But another image is in my mind to give me hope. Sitting on the launch pad right now is another ship that I'm sitting in. And the countdown clock continues to tick away. All of the things to make this launch a success are being prepared. I'm so looking forward to my new journey towards a brighter, happier, sex-filled relationship(s).
During the launch preparation phase thoughts have been coming into my mind. These thoughts occurred in my mind while I was at work today. I took them as instructions from ":Divorce Launch Control".
I need to make a very honest assessment of myself. I need to make sure I'm READY for this mission. I still have time in the countdown to do this.
I realized that because of living in my SM, I had completely lost touch of the things I want and need to make me happy and whole. I had lost confidence in myself in so many ways and had felt inadequate in so many things. I'm now working hard to remake myself. I'm working to put the correct images in my brain. I'm rejecting any negative thoughts and erasing any negative comments that my refuser has said about me. I'm imagining myself as a competent, self-assured and self-respected person and I'm including those images of myself as a lover. I'm filling my memory banks of past, wonderful experiences where the women I was with who praised me for my ability as a lover for them. I will continue to feed those "tapes" into my system until the negative ones are replaced.
As has been said so many times here is the mantra: "The only person you can change is YOU!". I cannot change my refuser wife or even try to share with her what she could do to help our situation. Every time I did, it was met with "but you need to...." and when I did there was another "but you need to...." and this goes on and on.
This past summer after yet another discussion about our marriage situation, with suggestions that were met with rejection from her, I realized that was it. I had enough. In order to have what I want and need to be happy, to use mariner language, I had face my ship into the storm and move forward through hell and high water. And I've been doing just that. Everyday is another battle but it's getting easier each day as I'm rebuilding my self confidence, and self-esteem with help from all of you. I know that, like many of you, when I get through the storm, the clouds will part, the winds will calm, and I might even see a rainbow.
I will use this experience to look back on and realize just how strong I really am. And that confidence will propel me to my next happy adventure with someone who will appreciate all that I can share with them. They say confidence is sexy. I'm counting on it.
Today at lunch as I pondered this a troubling thought occurred to me. What happens, if when I'm making these changes in myself, that my wife suddenly "loves" me again. And my answer will be "I'm sorry." I'm determined to continue onto to my new journey. I've lost any appeal for her that I had. I want better and I want more of what will make me happy. And she CAN'T do it. She had her chance.
I now go to sleep at night with images of what is possible and waiting for me.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 11, 2018 22:50:13 GMT -5
We started counseling toward the end of our marriage to try to make things better. He would go to counseling appointments but never do the homework. He told me one day that doing the homework was pointless because things were never going to change. So I knew that was the end—he just wasn’t interested in expending any effort to save our marriage—and I knew it wasn’t something I could save on my own. He stopped going to counseling after that but I kept going until after we had separated. Things were fairly amicable, but I definitely needed the support. In a way, the counselor kept me accountable to pursuing changes that were hard but that I knew I needed to make in order to be happy and healthy. Mine would do the homework - as would I - but would then hold it over my head in counseling that he did MORE homework and put more effort into it than I did. Made me not want to do anything. My h has been pushing for us to go back to marriage counseling and I flat-out said no. I think we both need individual counseling. His reply was, “But there’s nothing wrong with me!” Sounds just like my refuser - A Control Freak. Every time I tried to discuss what WE needed to work on, she would talk about what I NEEDED to work on. Nothing can be resolved when one person thinks they have no issues to work on, or isn't listening to the one critical word - WE.
When she tried to pull her DARVO crap I just kept saying: WE, WE, WE!
I don't deny that I have things I need to change, but when she isn't willing to accept her share of the issues that she needs to make changes in, change CANNOT and WILL NOT happen.
That's when I gave up completely on any hope for this relationship. Divorce will be initiated next summer.
I've actually spent today pondering my situation and had a "awakening".
So as to not hijack this post, I will share it in another post.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 11, 2018 20:26:56 GMT -5
"I know you're very unhappy, but our debts will not allow us to live on our own separately." I said "I'm very aware of that but for now we have to focus on getting our debts knocked down and I will no longer offer any suggestions for you. After the divorce you will be "STD" free! Sexually Transmitted Debt!!! ROTFL, OMG So Funny
I've had the disease longer than I had the sex that brought it on.
Thank you so much for that!!
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 9, 2018 23:31:30 GMT -5
workingonit,
I'm walking the very same path as you. I've awakened to my situation and am no longer accepting my refuser's crap. My sexuality has awoken as well and I look forward to sharing that with someone someday (hopefully soon). I deserve love, respect, kindness and understanding, which I thank the members of this group for helping me find.
Due to finances I have to "gut it out" living with my refuser until next summer as well. Hopefully then I can make my move to a better life. In the meantime I'm taking any happiness I can find and grabbing it.
(((Hugs))) my friend. I know it sounds so tripe but it's all we can do. "Hang in there." And don't deny yourself happiness and comfort when it comes around.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 9, 2018 23:04:53 GMT -5
Thanks choosinghappy for helping me find my mood right now.
Yesterday during yet one more rejection from my wife on how I wanted to service the car, I lost my temper. I've shared what happened in another post. But this song right now describes my mood right now perfectly. I'm trying to find a way to control the anger that bubbles just underneath the surface.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 9, 2018 22:45:15 GMT -5
Funny I just read this today.
My wife and I had a talk about our situation in July and she said she was going to make changes but they would be baby steps.
Yesterday something came up and when she rejected the way I wanted to handle the situation, I lost it. She asked me why did that make me so mad. I said it wasn't just that, it was EVERYTHING in our relationship.
Then she said didn't I want to make things just like they were when we met? I told her "I tried to have that conversation with you in July with a few suggestions of what we NEEDED to do and you REJECTED them all. Then when you made some suggestions of what you wanted to do, you failed to do any of them."
She said she knows I'm unhappy and what did I want to do. I said "At this point there is nothing that can be done. I no longer have any hope that our relationship can be mended. Do whatever the hell you want to do because it doesn't matter to me anymore. I need to go out and calm down."
So I grabbed the car keys and went and got the car washed. When I got home we had one more conversation, which was interesting because it tells me she's been thinking about things. She told me "I know you're very unhappy, but our debts will not allow us to live on our own separately." I said "I'm very aware of that but for now we have to focus on getting our debts knocked down and I will no longer offer any suggestions for you. Any problems with the car you will need to deal with. If it breaks down on the road don't call me, call AAA. In the meantime I will work on trying not to have angry outbursts and I will not ask you anymore things that you can REJECT."
The house has been silent as a library the rest of the weekend. But I've got to figure out a way to control the anger, which bubbles just under the surface.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 8, 2018 12:15:06 GMT -5
Yes! I've worked through the denial I had about my SM situation and faced it with the reality of what my relationship has been and what it will always be. And the only way for me to have what I need is to change ME. No amount of talking to my refuser spouse has made any difference. I had to face the painful reality, that although in the past she loved me, she no longer does and hasn't for a very long time. I've learned that marriage doesn't mean the person you married will always love you, even though that's what they promised to do. That is a very painful reality to have to deal with. But once you do accept that reality, you can move forward with what you need to do to get what you need and not accept what you currently have.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 8, 2018 12:00:47 GMT -5
Mine is similar to javba.
"Comfort me when I don't love myself."
Too many times in my life, when I'm rejected, I hate myself because I accept as fact what a rejector will say about me.
Occasionally people will tell me things they really like about me and I don't always accept those as being very important because I'm too focused on the negative that someone I really care and admire has said to me.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 8, 2018 11:46:41 GMT -5
I know this is beside the point, but no way could i live without sex AND sugar! You're a better woman than I am. Seriously. Sugar is what helped me cope with no sex!!! Sugar has been my ""go-to" drug of choice too. My comfort food? Payday bars and soda.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Sept 8, 2018 11:32:24 GMT -5
"I call it my online support group. And I truly feel that's what it is. If someone in my day-to-day life finds me here, fine. I'm here for a continued sense of community among my SM friends."
Exactly how I feel. This group and the friends I've made here is what gets me through the day-to-day hell of living in a SM. People sharing their stories on here is what gives me hope of a world that exists outside of SM hell. And this group and my friends in here are helping me each day as I get closer to a happier, sex-filled future.
I plan on staying here for as long as we exist (and I truly hope it's for a very, very long time). This place is like a SM hospital where real, hurting people can come to receive first aid for their real pain. SMs cause such emotional pain.
What's really great here is how members will come to the aid of another member who is hurting. Example is 3 weeks ago with myself in the post "Insulted Again (The Last Time)". I was emotionally hurt and devastated by what happened. And when I shared it, members from all over came on and gave me first aid for the pain that I incurred. As a result after a few days of "treatment" from wonderful, caring friends. I was able to get back on my feet and push forward.
I think there are, and very sadly, will continue to be a need for this site. I hope we never lose our board here.
Maybe if people do make some kind of connection, instead of going "AH HAAAA!!!!", maybe they should realize what pain the person they think they've identified is in and show some compassion instead of criticism and wanting to "out" them. And that includes refuser spouses. And have the respect to keep their "suspicion" of who it is to themselves.
|
|