Post by solodriver on Sept 11, 2018 23:54:16 GMT -5
I know that what I'm about to share isn't new to anyone who has made the decision to leave their marriage. So please bear with me as I share what so many others have discovered for themselves in this process of living and leaving their SM. It will be good reinforcement for the one's who are dealing with this.
I've enjoyed watching and re-living the exciting times of the manned space program on You Tube. On one video about the mission of Apollo 8, Walter Cronkite talked about all the critical phases of the mission that had to go right or disaster would happen. And in my mind popped this thought - marriage is very much like that as well. So many things have to go right or disaster can happen to that marriage and some damage to the "crew" in that marriage.
Next he talked about how, when the spacecraft went into lunar orbit, when it was time to break orbit to return to earth, the engine must fire. If it fails to fire, the spacecraft cannot leave orbit and the crew will eventually die in orbit when their life support systems run out. As I thought about that statement, the vision of my SM reality hit me - this ship is in lunar orbit and the engine has failed to fire, and my ship has been in orbit for a long time and the marital life support systems have been running out. This "crew" is dying. Everything that I have tried to do has failed. I have given up hope and have accepted the fate of this mission.
But another image is in my mind to give me hope. Sitting on the launch pad right now is another ship that I'm sitting in. And the countdown clock continues to tick away. All of the things to make this launch a success are being prepared. I'm so looking forward to my new journey towards a brighter, happier, sex-filled relationship(s).
During the launch preparation phase thoughts have been coming into my mind. These thoughts occurred in my mind while I was at work today. I took them as instructions from ":Divorce Launch Control".
I need to make a very honest assessment of myself. I need to make sure I'm READY for this mission. I still have time in the countdown to do this.
I realized that because of living in my SM, I had completely lost touch of the things I want and need to make me happy and whole. I had lost confidence in myself in so many ways and had felt inadequate in so many things. I'm now working hard to remake myself. I'm working to put the correct images in my brain. I'm rejecting any negative thoughts and erasing any negative comments that my refuser has said about me. I'm imagining myself as a competent, self-assured and self-respected person and I'm including those images of myself as a lover. I'm filling my memory banks of past, wonderful experiences where the women I was with who praised me for my ability as a lover for them. I will continue to feed those "tapes" into my system until the negative ones are replaced.
As has been said so many times here is the mantra: "The only person you can change is YOU!". I cannot change my refuser wife or even try to share with her what she could do to help our situation. Every time I did, it was met with "but you need to...." and when I did there was another "but you need to...." and this goes on and on.
This past summer after yet another discussion about our marriage situation, with suggestions that were met with rejection from her, I realized that was it. I had enough. In order to have what I want and need to be happy, to use mariner language, I had face my ship into the storm and move forward through hell and high water. And I've been doing just that. Everyday is another battle but it's getting easier each day as I'm rebuilding my self confidence, and self-esteem with help from all of you. I know that, like many of you, when I get through the storm, the clouds will part, the winds will calm, and I might even see a rainbow.
I will use this experience to look back on and realize just how strong I really am. And that confidence will propel me to my next happy adventure with someone who will appreciate all that I can share with them. They say confidence is sexy. I'm counting on it.
Today at lunch as I pondered this a troubling thought occurred to me. What happens, if when I'm making these changes in myself, that my wife suddenly "loves" me again. And my answer will be "I'm sorry." I'm determined to continue onto to my new journey. I've lost any appeal for her that I had. I want better and I want more of what will make me happy. And she CAN'T do it. She had her chance.
I now go to sleep at night with images of what is possible and waiting for me.