|
Post by darktippedrose on Jan 1, 2019 13:31:16 GMT -5
I would use sex a stress reliever lolz. Or when you can't sleep at 2 am, an orgasm or two from someone you love can really help put you to sleep. But then again, I've been told that I have the mind of a 16 year old boy. This was told to me in College by a 16 year old boy. hahaha.
I don't know how much I'd want sex. I've always been shy about wanting sex. And then came all the rejection. And the shame that came with it when he decided that sex was only for men. I can't even imagine someone touching me, without being repulsed. I imagine I'd want to be held and cuddled a lot. Plus, my brand of sexuality isn't for everyone. So there's that as well.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Jan 1, 2019 13:10:52 GMT -5
Before I was completely cut off from sex at 29, (I'll be 35 in February), I had had a lot of post sex depression since around 24. My husband didn't like it when I told him what to do. He'd go straight for my clit and it hurt. By the time it felt good, he said I was giving him arthritis. He didn't like kissing because it was too "white" or whatever. And after 25, my husband refused to give me orgasm more and more often. Sex became painful.
Sometimes I would cry after sex. I yearned for sex for months, and then I wasn't allowed kissing and holding and cuddling. He'd rush through it. I hated it.
I'm not sure which is worse, the post depression or the constant yearning for something you can't have.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 31, 2018 16:52:14 GMT -5
Thanks for all the replies. I’ll do my best to provide as much detail as I can in response to some of the comments. I’m really not one to open up about things like this, but I’m at my whits end, so hoping others in similar situations can help. We’ve been married for 11 years and together for 14. We have two kids, but she was pregnant 5 times, 2 miscarriages before the first and 1 before the second. Essentially she was pregnant for 5 of the first 6 years we were married. After our second she went on anti-anxiety/depression medication and I followed suit shortly after. Over the years she has put on weight but I still find her attractive. Since we’ve been together, I was the biggest I ever was but have lost nearly 70 pounds. I don’t think there is a problem with being attracted to each other - her “just stick it in” is mostly because she only wants intercourse, only on bottom, no other foreplay. Once a year I get oral (birthday), and try to give it way more often but just get pushed away...she only likes penetration. We operate on somewhat different sleep schedules, I’m early to bed and early to rise (I go to the gym first thing in the morning). She is more of a night owl and not a morning person. So we don’t often go to bed at the same time, which may be one of the problems. She works from home full-time while I go into an office most days. I mention this because she is very comfortable in leggings and a shirt whereas I am usually dressed up (corporate attire). I’m know there is a confidence issue of her not feeling sexy or attractive. We don’t do date nights very often because of kids schedules and we really enjoy doing things with the kids. When we do go out it is usually a group or couple dinner and we’re home relatively early as neither of us are big drinkers so bars aren’t our thing anymore. Pre-kids, our sex life was average, we’ve never been a multiple times/day couple. Every other day was our regular, but it has been so long I can’t remember how long that even lasted. She has never really been into anything like lingerie or other outfits and the sex has been pretty “normal”, no toys or different locations - just pretty “typical” stuff. We don’t have financial or kid issues, we are compatible in most things. Nothing that is a true breaking point. I’m a huge jokester and constantly dance around her naked to try and get her to take action. Saying all this makes me think I’m overreacting and this is normal, but I want to have more fun in the bedroom. When we do have sex, it about her one want - just penetration, nothing more. I’m left feeling like it was almost pity sex - “let’s do it so you stop asking”. Yes we both enjoy that part, but I’d like more. Now I feel like I’m just complaining and its not as bad as I think. Anybody else in the same boat? My husband is like your wife. He hates foreplay. I haven't actually had sex since I was 29 and I'll be turning 35 in February. But before that, he'd just squeeze a boob, stab me with his fingers 2x and then shove it in. I hated it. I don't think that this is coming from someone who likes sex, or wants sex with you. And I'm pretty dubious that she's going to actually make or go to that doctor's appointment.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 31, 2018 16:47:02 GMT -5
The biggest things I miss that made me feel loved and content are:
cuddling sleeping on a man's chest dinner and a movie without any snide comments on my choice of movie sleeping next to someone and having them reach out for me randomly while I sleep
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 29, 2018 16:13:15 GMT -5
felt loved and appreciated?
I've never felt loved and appreciated by my husband or step-daughters.
one of my daughters does. my kids do. my grandma tells me I'm a good mom. she knows my husband won't tell me.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 27, 2018 3:22:28 GMT -5
I'm passionate about belly dance and other dances from Middle-east and North Africa in general. Also, health, my kids.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 27, 2018 2:15:45 GMT -5
I would be as upset about it, if she could have her alcohol in a small refrigerator in her own room. Yes, she buys it herself. But as a religious person, its a no go. Hes being hypocritical. Enforcing super high standards on us, but encouraging bad stuff with her.
and its not just that, he's way nicer with his oldest daughter, than any of the kids that we've had together.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 18, 2018 18:10:31 GMT -5
that's hard to do when I'm the primary caretaker for kids with autism. One daughter has seizures. my son had surgery. my kids are still scared from the earthquakes we had.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 18, 2018 15:52:37 GMT -5
Except for once, I haven't slept next to my husband since I was 29. I was sick and tired of falling asleep by myself. And crying myself to sleep. My husband couldn't even stand to hold my hand in bed. Even in his sleep, he'd withdraw himself. I felt like I had leprosy or something.
It just hurt soooooo much.
So when we moved, I got my own bed. I haven't had my own room to sleep in since I was 20. Everyone else has a room. I sleep in the living room in a bed.
One time i asked my husband to tuck me into bed. he hadn't touched me in years. It was beyond awkward. 100x worse than sex for the first time.
and it gave me anxiety. I couldn't sleep. It was cold. I never asked again.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 18, 2018 15:46:59 GMT -5
I haven't had any kiss what so ever since I was 28? or 27? I don't even remember now.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 18, 2018 15:45:30 GMT -5
So, my step-daughter has been living with us for over a year. She's 21. We're religious. She buys her own pork. I won't buy that for her anymore.
She buys her own alcohol. I don't want it in my house. I refused to open in up for her and she just goes to her dad.
If I say no, she says she'll go ask her dad. And he usually lets her do whatever she wants. And she usually comes down with an evil look on her face. My daughter Z (13) says he's nicer to my step-daughter than he is to me. She is going back and forth between wanting a hug from her dad and wanting his love and approval to wondering why he's so mean. And nice to everyone else.
My step-daughter thought that I'm wrong for wanting my daughter to have a better man than her dad (far off future). She thinks her dad is awesome.
And sometimes, I think they're both sociopaths.
and even though she can be helpful, sometimes I just can't deal with the added stress.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 18, 2018 15:41:00 GMT -5
I have done things in the past to get a bit of confidence, and my head up high. And then it worked. Too well. My husband upped his head games and mental warfare until I got back down again. Its a vicious cycle.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Oct 14, 2018 1:47:32 GMT -5
yes, I know AK means Alaska. I've lived here all my life.
yes, it has dawned on me that when or how I get out of this will mostly be up to me. I probably won't get much support. Getting stuff done is going to be a bit tricky with how I can get this done.
In the past, people have tattled on me. One woman tattled on me that I was going to get away with him, with the kids and had a secret stash of money.
In the past, any exit plans I built up to, was ruined by the people that were supposed to be helping me.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Oct 12, 2018 14:39:40 GMT -5
darktippedrose Mh heart breaks for you. That’s a terrible place to be in, and sounds familiar to me. I was caught in the same mindset as you. I was desperate clinging to the “good things” my spouse did for my family. And my oldest is special needs also (adhd plus a smorgasbord is sensory processing disorders). I truly and genuinely thought I should be grateful for what I had. It was only when I started to pay attention to my own needs, realized I was connecting with so many women emotionally (effortlessly and joyfully), and that people at work did not treat me the same as my “partner “ at home did. That contrast became real evident. What I hear in your story is that probably subconsciously your spouse is telling you (and you have conditioned yourself into reinforcing) that what he is doing is enough. It’s insidious. It’s low grade emotional abuse. I put up with it for the better part of a decade. Plain and simple abuse. It’s hard to see that or believe it when you first become aware of it. I’d encourage you to start reading on narcissism, self worth, giving reciprocal in relationships, and ask yourself what you want. Bottom line: do you want to live with a spouse who never touches you? Doesn’t sound like you do. And if that’s the case, don’t talk yourself into being miserable. Life is short. Also, separate your kids from your family in your head. I love my kids and they are my family. I am letting go of my spouse. She is no longer a part of my family. And looking honestly , I realize she was never going to be the part of our family that she claimed. Oh also: 1. Does he say I love you, 2. Will he change for you, 3. Do his words and actions meet up (most important)? If no, I’d recommend leaving. The last time I talked to my grandma she told me, that since he didn't molest the kids, he couldn't be that bad. He didn't leave me while I had 3 kids with autism. So she doesn't feel too bad about how he treats me. And that is that. she doesn't see him as the sociopath he is. And now my step-daughter got mad at me because I told my daughter that I wanted her to have a good husband. Not like her dad. My step-daughter doesn't see him as doing anything bad.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Oct 12, 2018 1:31:34 GMT -5
the main benefits he gives me are rides to the grocery store, getting meds when I need them or the kids need them, and sometimes emergency items from the grocery store.
|
|