Post by darktippedrose on Dec 18, 2018 15:45:30 GMT -5
So, my step-daughter has been living with us for over a year. She's 21. We're religious. She buys her own pork. I won't buy that for her anymore.
She buys her own alcohol. I don't want it in my house. I refused to open in up for her and she just goes to her dad.
If I say no, she says she'll go ask her dad. And he usually lets her do whatever she wants. And she usually comes down with an evil look on her face. My daughter Z (13) says he's nicer to my step-daughter than he is to me. She is going back and forth between wanting a hug from her dad and wanting his love and approval to wondering why he's so mean. And nice to everyone else.
My step-daughter thought that I'm wrong for wanting my daughter to have a better man than her dad (far off future). She thinks her dad is awesome.
And sometimes, I think they're both sociopaths.
and even though she can be helpful, sometimes I just can't deal with the added stress.
DTR, I hope you're doing well. I come on here some times and like hearing how you're doing because you're not in a good place. I hope you can take some good steps for yourself. I feel for your youth, people do not change. I hope you can find support in your family to try make baby steps to get your needs met.
1. Your spouse is as unlikely to love you more than the 21 yrs old as you're unlikely to love your spouse more than your 13 yrs old one. That's just biology most SANE folks love the kids more than the spouse. OTOH your spouse DOES promote a "difference of affections between the 2 girls" and "environment inconsistent between the 2 girls" that is unlikely to change.
2. Sociopaths probably yes, insofar they put THEMSELVES FIRST.
I'd recommend an experiment - IF YOU CAN, Try being a sociopath for a week put YOURSELF FIRST, and see how it feels. I have done that and it felt GREAT.
Your eyes cannot see, what your mind does not know.
I'm a firm believer that our role as parents is to love, nourish, shelter, protect, mentor, and guide our children in life, not dictate and force our views on them. There are some rules that we as parents should stand firm on, such as treat each other with dignity and respect. However, everyone should be free to choose their food, music, clothes, hair style, religion (or lack there of), education, career path, friends, partners, etc. (age appropriate of course).
I haven’t read your story, so forgive me if I'm off base here.
My initial thought from reading your post is that your step daughter is 21 and of free will. She buys her own pork and alcohol, but that goes against your religious beliefs. This doesn’t sound all that bad to me, and certaintly isn’t remotely close to “getting away with murder”. Having a beer and a pork chop isn’t going to cause her to “veer of course into the ditch”. My view is that a healthy parental role in this specific case is to suggest that if she chooses to drink alcohol at a legal age to do so moderately and safely, helping her to know and understand her limits and the consequences of her choices, and to eat healthy, not forbade both choices simply because of YOUR religious views. Of course, you should also feel free to share the benefits of your religious views and choices with her (assuming you chose freely too) in a positive and healthy manner as well.
Hope I didn’t offend, as that certaintly wasn’t my intent.
Success is a few simple disciplines, practiced every day, while failure is simply a few errors in judgment, repeated every day. A victim mentality ensures you are always the victim. A victor mentality gives you a fighting chance at survival.
Post by darktippedrose on Dec 27, 2018 2:15:45 GMT -5
I would be as upset about it, if she could have her alcohol in a small refrigerator in her own room. Yes, she buys it herself. But as a religious person, its a no go. Hes being hypocritical. Enforcing super high standards on us, but encouraging bad stuff with her.
and its not just that, he's way nicer with his oldest daughter, than any of the kids that we've had together.