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Post by elynne on Apr 1, 2018 2:09:06 GMT -5
We had made a little progress in couples therapy. H is enjoying his individual psychotherapy, thinks everyone would benefit from it.
Then we had a bullshit fight over nothing. H was listening to music while I started doing Pilates exercises with my iPad. (I had told him three times and invited him to do it with me). Dumb fight - H asked very angrily if I was going to continue making so much noise. Long story short - he wanted to listen to music and I was ruining the atmosphere. I wanted to do my exercises for my lower back pain. Huge disagreement- I told him that I felt he was being selfish and that he was putting his listening to music in front of my well being. (I’ve just gotten over a month of spasms and pain getting out of bed every morning).
The argument led to a few days of the silent treatment by h.
So I basically put my foot down. Told him that every time he ignored me, left the house without a kiss, went to bed without giving me a hug or a cuddle, refused to make eye contact that he was putting our relationship on the line.
I was dead serious when I said I wanted a real relationship with the real h. Not a facade or one on paper.
Told him I’m not perfect, but that I’ve got a huge heart. I keep trying. And that I deserve more.
Sex 3 times in the last 4 days! Hugs. Cuddles. Conversations. We joke. We worked in the garden together.
I don’t know how long it will last, but it’s nice not to feel invisible.
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Post by baza on Apr 1, 2018 2:20:53 GMT -5
There's a key bit of knowledge to be had out of this episode. "Sex 3 times in 4 days !" - you note Sister elynne . So you'd deduce that he is quite capable. So you'd further deduce that past periods of refusal were by choice. And, if periods of refusal happen from now on in, that that is also by choice. Anyway, that doesn't help in this moment, but it is good information to put in your memory bank. Sidebar - the way you are driving this situation along is very impressive.
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Post by elynne on Apr 1, 2018 4:14:02 GMT -5
There's a key bit of knowledge to be had out of this episode. "Sex 3 times in 4 days !" - you note Sister elynne . So you'd deduce that he is quite capable. So you'd further deduce that past periods of refusal were by choice. And, if periods of refusal happen from now on in, that that is also by choice. Anyway, that doesn't help in this moment, but it is good information to put in your memory bank. Sidebar - the way you are driving this situation along is very impressive. Thanks for the compliment! It really means a lot. It took two of us being complicit in sweeping problems under the rug to get here. He’d happily keep on sweeping if I’d let him. In many ways it would be easier to throw up my hands and walk away, but neither of us would learn or grow in that scenario. And then we’d be very likely to repeat the same scenario over and over again with new partners until we finally learn. I’m not certain we’ll make it. I’m not certain he’ll ever really lust after me like I’d want, but he is really trying. That’s already more than I expected. I’ll keep you guys posted. (I made a SM marriage joke this morning that H laughed at!) I was just asking him to f*** me from behind (I was sitting astride him) when he came. I continued to ride him slowly until he completely relaxed. Then I asked, “Maybe next time?” It actually got a big laugh from him. Maybe next time isn’t another year away!
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Post by flounder on Apr 1, 2018 7:26:24 GMT -5
I hope for your sake it’s not a year away. I have to agree with Baza. Kudos to you for not giving up,and really digging in to save your marriage. It shows how much you love and value your family. Especially when it can get easy to throw in the towel amidst rejection. I hope this works out well for you.
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Post by elynne on Apr 1, 2018 8:58:59 GMT -5
I hope for your sake it’s not a year away. I have to agree with Baza. Kudos to you for not giving up,and really digging in to save your marriage. It shows how much you love and value your family. Especially when it can get easy to throw in the towel amidst rejection. I hope this works out well for you. Thanks flounder. I really do hope it works out. If it doesn’t, it won’t be from a lack of trying. I am willing to give this everything I’ve got, but I’m not willing to compromise on being treated with love, compassion and respect. It could fall either way.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 1, 2018 8:59:08 GMT -5
Three times in four days is a pretty serious reset by my experience, but, yes, probably still a reset. I hope he keeps trying and you at least end up with a balance that works for both of you.
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Post by elynne on Apr 1, 2018 9:03:49 GMT -5
Three times in four days is a pretty serious reset by my experience, but, yes, probably still a reset. I hope he keeps trying and you at least end up with a balance that works for both of you. I think he’s seeing the benefits of sex. I’m more cheerful. He’s a boatload less grumpy. My back feels better. We laugh more. I feel a bit like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, but if/when the affection and kindness stop, I’ll give him a day or two and then remind him what our goal is; a healthy relationship. He’ll either learn and it becomes second nature or the strain of being in a relationship with me is too much for him.
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 1, 2018 9:14:54 GMT -5
Three times in four days is a pretty serious reset by my experience, but, yes, probably still a reset. I hope he keeps trying and you at least end up with a balance that works for both of you. I think he’s seeing the benefits of sex. I’m more cheerful. He’s a boatload less grumpy. My back feels better. We laugh more. I feel a bit like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, but if/when the affection and kindness stop, I’ll give him a day or two and then remind him what our goal is; a healthy relationship. He’ll either learn and it becomes second nature or the strain of being in a relationship with me is too much for him. From my experience from trying to save my marriage, it's a very Rocky road, with glorious peaks and muddy swamps. The transitions can happen slowly or quick and even in the same day. Feel free to pm me.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 1, 2018 10:45:53 GMT -5
elynne, only time will tell. Don't be disappointed if he can't sustain this level - you're making loads more progress than most of us could hope for. The rough edges won't be gone in a day either. You're doing a great job of pushing things forward with an attitude of trying to salvage it, and he's engaging and contributing to the process. This is really atypical of refuser behavior, and a very positive sign. Keep at it!
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Post by rejected101 on Apr 1, 2018 11:44:56 GMT -5
If 3 times in 4 days can be achieved under any circumstances then 3-4 times a month as a routine can be achieved without excuse.
Personally I would recommend doing something sooner rather than later. Ask him...”did you enjoy having the sex with me”.
His answer will either be... “yes it was really nice, I loved it” in which case future denials make zero sense whatsoever.
Or his answer may be “it was ok, I liked it” in which case future denials are because he is comfortable ‘not bothering’ and your feelings are of little meaning to him.
Or his answer will be “I didn’t like it” in which case you know how much chance you have of recovering the sexual contact long term.
Either way, you will have an answer and something to quote him on if and when he starts avoiding sex again.
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Post by elynne on Apr 1, 2018 12:28:38 GMT -5
If 3 times in 4 days can be achieved under any circumstances then 3-4 times a month as a routine can be achieved without excuse. Personally I would recommend doing something sooner rather than later. Ask him...”did you enjoy having the sex with me”. His answer will either be... “yes it was really nice, I loved it” in which case future denials make zero sense whatsoever. Or his answer may be “it was ok, I liked it” in which case future denials are because he is comfortable ‘not bothering’ and your feelings are of little meaning to him. Or his answer will be “I didn’t like it” in which case you know how much chance you have of recovering the sexual contact long term. Either way, you will have an answer and something to quote him on if and when he starts avoiding sex again. Pretty typical of me, I encourage desired behavior. The first night we had sex. Following morning, rolled over and thanked him. Told him that I enjoyed it. That started off round 2. On an amusing note, h is a doctor. From his neurotic mom he’s picked up a fair amount of hypochondria. I think I only need to find a study from a reputable medical journal citing that sex with a partner is much more effective protection against prostate cancer than masturbation. And we may keep up a sustainable frequency.😉 But asking him if he enjoyed it, I should try it though I’m worried about asking. I can predict his reaction. He’ll bristle at the fact that it sounds like I’m asking for a compliment. He’ll find a way to slip in something backhanded to bring me down a peg. I’ll have to phrase it carefully or ask in a curious and non-threatening way. That’s a tall order, considering it was almost a year since the last time we had sex, and the last time I tried to initiate intimacy he called rape. Hmmm... I’ll keep you all posted. And thanks for listening, and encouraging and advising. Sucks to be in this situation. But it would be much, much worse going through it alone. You guys rock.
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Reset?
Apr 1, 2018 13:20:52 GMT -5
via mobile
elynne likes this
Post by nyartgal on Apr 1, 2018 13:20:52 GMT -5
Very impressive! I don't know your whole backstory, but a couple clues in your posts have me wondering if you've done any reading about passive aggression, especially in men? There are a few great articles about it on about.com if that still exists, and also Psychology Today. May be worth reading and seeing if anything rings a bell...
In any case, good luck and I hope it works out!
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Deleted Member
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Reset?
Apr 1, 2018 22:35:53 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2018 22:35:53 GMT -5
We had made a little progress in couples therapy. H is enjoying his individual psychotherapy, thinks everyone would benefit from it. Then we had a bullshit fight over nothing. H was listening to music while I started doing Pilates exercises with my iPad. (I had told him three times and invited him to do it with me). Dumb fight - H asked very angrily if I was going to continue making so much noise. Long story short - he wanted to listen to music and I was ruining the atmosphere. I wanted to do my exercises for my lower back pain. Huge disagreement- I told him that I felt he was being selfish and that he was putting his listening to music in front of my well being. (I’ve just gotten over a month of spasms and pain getting out of bed every morning). The argument led to a few days of the silent treatment by h. So I basically put my foot down. Told him that every time he ignored me, left the house without a kiss, went to bed without giving me a hug or a cuddle, refused to make eye contact that he was putting our relationship on the line. I was dead serious when I said I wanted a real relationship with the real h. Not a facade or one on paper. Told him I’m not perfect, but that I’ve got a huge heart. I keep trying. And that I deserve more. Sex 3 times in the last 4 days! Hugs. Cuddles. Conversations. We joke. We worked in the garden together. I don’t know how long it will last, but it’s nice not to feel invisible. This has got to be an O. Henry story! I am not shaking my head, it is spinning around. I am reading about how bad things are and expecting you to say that you separated. Then bam! Or should I say Bang! Save
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Post by elynne on Apr 2, 2018 2:01:25 GMT -5
We had made a little progress in couples therapy. H is enjoying his individual psychotherapy, thinks everyone would benefit from it. Then we had a bullshit fight over nothing. H was listening to music while I started doing Pilates exercises with my iPad. (I had told him three times and invited him to do it with me). Dumb fight - H asked very angrily if I was going to continue making so much noise. Long story short - he wanted to listen to music and I was ruining the atmosphere. I wanted to do my exercises for my lower back pain. Huge disagreement- I told him that I felt he was being selfish and that he was putting his listening to music in front of my well being. (I’ve just gotten over a month of spasms and pain getting out of bed every morning). The argument led to a few days of the silent treatment by h. So I basically put my foot down. Told him that every time he ignored me, left the house without a kiss, went to bed without giving me a hug or a cuddle, refused to make eye contact that he was putting our relationship on the line. I was dead serious when I said I wanted a real relationship with the real h. Not a facade or one on paper. Told him I’m not perfect, but that I’ve got a huge heart. I keep trying. And that I deserve more. Sex 3 times in the last 4 days! Hugs. Cuddles. Conversations. We joke. We worked in the garden together. I don’t know how long it will last, but it’s nice not to feel invisible. This has got to be an O. Henry story! I am not shaking my head, it is spinning around. I am reading about how bad things are and expecting you to say that you separated. Then bam! Or should I say Bang! SaveHa. Ha ha ha!!! Were you expecting me to shout “April Fools!” at the end?! 😂
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Post by elynne on Apr 2, 2018 4:41:02 GMT -5
Oh Dear. Here we go again. Another bullshit fight over nothing. And things had been going so well.
This time the argument was about the kids being ready ‘on time’ to go with h to visit his father, mother, and then with his mother to his step dad in the hospital. I’m delivering a bunch of paintings to a gallery tomorrow morning and need to package the artwork - agreed that I’d skip this trip since we’re hosting his whole family for a party here next weekend.
Kids weren’t out of bed. I got them up, hurried them along, made their breakfast. All was relatively good. But h was getting anxious about being on time. I suggested- you can always call and say I’ll be a 1/2 hour later. Move everything back 1/2 hour. Come home a 1/2 later. It’s all ok. Or suggest meeting your mom at the hospital to visit her husband and make 2 visits out of the 3? No. His mom needs a social visit away from the hospital to relax. Ok. Your choice.
But then as I was brushing the girls hair, getting their things together for the car, drawings for Opa, etc. h gets very agitated. “I’m leaving NOW. You can do whatever you want with the kids.”
I’m like “What? That’s a strange reaction. What do you mean by that?” He blusters out the door. I hurry the kids into the car and he peels out of the driveway.
<sigh> Again and again and again, I relate a different story, different details, same exact theme.
I’m getting stuck here. I know something is off. I know because I feel agitated. Guilty but angry that I’m made to feel guilty. The ‘waking up’ part of me is saying “hey! Red flag! Take notice” but I’m still struggling to really see the dynamic clearly.
I’m going to get another silent treatment. I know it. I don’t know if it’s a reaction to being closer over the last few days. I don’t know if it’s the stress of visiting his narcissistic mom and dealing with her crazy since her husband is sick with an uncertain prognosis. He’s got to reach deep to be supportive. I don’t think it comes naturally to him.
Is it just being 9 minutes later out the door than he intended that got under his skin? If that’s what set him off than perhaps he should have made sure the kids were out of bed earlier, backed me up when I wanted to send them to bed on time rather than letting them stay up late.
I’ve got to figure out what’s going with me when I shoulder all the blame for his upset. There’s a glitch in the system there.
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