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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 13:18:34 GMT -5
Not getting laid often enough can MAKE you crazy....if you weren't already there. Anti-outsourcers worry that an AP will become homicidal. I worry that people who go along with the no-sex lifestyle will become suicidal. Or self-destructive in some other way. not getting laid only goes allow with the rest of my life before my SM... its this fact that makes me suicidal...knowing that getting out of my SM probably won't improve my situation much... In my life I have never ben with anyone I considered hot...luke warm was the best I could do.
It hasn't made me crazy, just withdrawn and depressed... which does affect my physical being...
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 5, 2016 15:05:02 GMT -5
Most states are no fault cheating doesn't matter but it can however be a gift freeing you from the guilt of staying in a bad marriage. It's sad that it takes the bad actions of one spouse to make us feel ok about freeing ourselves but I get it. Yes, in my state cheating does not matter. When I consulted with the attorney, I asked. She stated it makes no difference with the divorce or custody. She said the only thing it may bring to the divorce is an emotional component. It is VERY sad that the bad actions of my husband NOW make me feel more sure about the actions I need to take. I KNEW all along what needed to be done! I am trying to view this as a hard kick in the ass that I need to get going!! Now to make it happen! Do you still have your part time position? Going back to work when school starts? You had mentioned looking for full time work. Any advice from an attorney if that would help or hurt you, getting a new full time position, right before a divorce? |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 5, 2016 15:55:34 GMT -5
smilin61 - agreed. I think too far on either end is extreme; a good mix is somewhere in between... more to the left for some, more to the right for others. I'm much like you describe yourself, though perhaps nuttier. ;-) Decades ago, I saw the lack of drama as a good thing, but didn't realize it also meant no intensity, no passion, no wild ideas, and a fear of confrontation instead of airing grievances. I would gladly give up some of the rational thought in trade for some passion. wewbwb, my take is that people in very vocal cultures don't tend to take those kind of arguments so seriously, like "water off a duck's back". While in other cultures it can be an emotionally scarring experience with serious grudges involved. I'm not sure which one is healthier, but the first group is at least communicating, while the second group keeps quiet and lets it poison them.
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 5, 2016 16:12:40 GMT -5
DryCreek I agree, I personally think a "middle road" would work better for me. Passion is good - I'm passionate. But it takes a lot to get me to yell. A good fight is a "fair" fight, both sides talk and both sides listen. Maybe even set aside a time and date. Second Monday of every month. Bring a notebook. Do it over dinner. In the end - just talk - communicate. Express yourself, but, and here is the hook - MAKE SURE YOU'RE HEARD! As a man who makes mistakes (and a mechanic  ) , I really just ask to have the opportunity to fix the mistakes and miscommunications. But again, at the end of it: If I love you - no matter what you criticized about me, there is no one else I'd rather be sleeping next to.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 5, 2016 16:13:22 GMT -5
smilin61 - agreed. I think too far on either end is extreme; a good mix is somewhere in between... more to the left for some, more to the right for others. I'm much like you describe yourself, though perhaps nuttier. ;-) Decades ago, I saw the lack of drama as a good thing, but didn't realize it also meant no intensity, no passion, no wild ideas, and a fear of confrontation instead of airing grievances. I would gladly give up some of the rational thought in trade for some passion. wewbwb , my take is that people in very vocal cultures don't tend to take those kind of arguments so seriously, like "water off a duck's back". While in other cultures it can be an emotionally scarring experience with serious grudges involved. I'm not sure which one is healthier, but the first group is at least communicating, while the second group keeps quiet and lets it poison them. I definitely know that my spouse "neutered" my enthusiasm for drama, passion, risk, sex ,and adventure. I think it's fair to say that those are more male characteristics, that society has downplayed immensely. Today's man is supposed to be a safe, neutral, likable, nice guy. Who works in his cubicle all day. His big adventure for the day is rolling through a stop sign! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 16:30:02 GMT -5
@smartkat Check and check. Formerly semi suicidal (thoughts, no active plan, just a wish to die in my sleep or never be born, not caring what my choices were doing to my heslth, who cares there's no point anyway). Now I care to take care of me again, there is a point to living and to taking care of me.
Also formerly self-destructive. And still a bit self-destructive although hoping I'm at the end of that phase. Yep, I destroyed lots of things that mattered to me (career, self to an extent, bank balance, etc). I had to leave to end that too. I think it goes along with suicidal thoughts, nothing matters so why not throw it all away? I can't possibly be more miserable than I was then could I (the answer is I am happier now and curbed alot of the bad behavior, working on getting rid of what's left).
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 18:12:59 GMT -5
Why thank you, unmatched! I am happy with my perspective on this point. And, I don't think I would actually boil bunnies or hurt anyone, simply because I have already gone there in my mind of it being a possibility. Playing devil's advocate, I can see how she got from point A - to crazy town. By having those thoughts and not wanting to be that person (consciously), I think I am actually in the clear. One of my potential outsourcing partners last year was married and planned to stay that way. I was pretty confident that while I liked him and could see myself in that arrangement, it wouldn't work because I figured he would be the one boiling bunnies. He was in love with me in high school, and carried that torch through college too. Many a night in high school was spent hanging out together while he cried to me about the losers I was dating and why not him? He was my best friend and I couldn't even go to a dance with him, hug him and not get his hopes up. I didn't see him for years (it was too hard to not be able to be myself with him) and in college at a football game we saw each other where he again cried to me that he couldn't have sex with his fiancé because all he thought about was me. It baffled me that the "no contact" over the years still had him worked up. When we talked last year, he was very sure he could compartmentalize himself because he is NEVER getting divorced (he is a youth minister 😳). I figured he had a 50/50 shot of being able to do that - I could be totally crap in bed and he would realize he doesn't actually love me, or, he would be boiling bunnies at my house. Best to not even go there. You got that right. This dude's obsessed. Run. |
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Post by JMX on Aug 5, 2016 18:52:30 GMT -5
smilin61 - agreed. I think too far on either end is extreme; a good mix is somewhere in between... more to the left for some, more to the right for others. I'm much like you describe yourself, though perhaps nuttier. ;-) Decades ago, I saw the lack of drama as a good thing, but didn't realize it also meant no intensity, no passion, no wild ideas, and a fear of confrontation instead of airing grievances. I would gladly give up some of the rational thought in trade for some passion. wewbwb , my take is that people in very vocal cultures don't tend to take those kind of arguments so seriously, like "water off a duck's back". While in other cultures it can be an emotionally scarring experience with serious grudges involved. I'm not sure which one is healthier, but the first group is at least communicating, while the second group keeps quiet and lets it poison them. I definitely know that my spouse "neutered" my enthusiasm for drama, passion, risk, sex ,and adventure. I think it's fair to say that those are more male characteristics, that society has downplayed immensely. Today's man is supposed to be a safe, neutral, likable, nice guy. Who works in his cubicle all day. His big adventure for the day is rolling through a stop sign! @gc - I am going to point something out here - you neutered yourself. You are depressed because it is not working out how you envisioned and feeling powerless to do anything about it. But you alone have the power to inject all of those things back into your life. Respectfully, I am also not sure it is fair to say those are only more male characteristics however, if I look at my FB newsfeed, I see plenty of men (and women) doing all of those things and not just working in their cubicle. I think you need new, exciting friends, friend! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 5, 2016 20:20:22 GMT -5
I definitely know that my spouse "neutered" my enthusiasm for drama, passion, risk, sex ,and adventure. I think it's fair to say that those are more male characteristics, that society has downplayed immensely. Today's man is supposed to be a safe, neutral, likable, nice guy. Who works in his cubicle all day. His big adventure for the day is rolling through a stop sign! @gc - I am going to point something out here - you neutered yourself. You are depressed because it is not working out how you envisioned and feeling powerless to do anything about it. But you alone have the power to inject all of those things back into your life. Respectfully, I am also not sure it is fair to say those are only more male characteristics however, if I look at my FB newsfeed, I see plenty of men (and women) doing all of those things and not just working in their cubicle. I think you need new, exciting friends, friend! I appreciate your thoughts and perspective! So let me re-phrase it. I still have a strong desire, attempt, and succeed at having a more dramatic,passionate risk filled, adventures life. Far more than my wife wants. The problem is how much of it happens alone and with others. Not with my spouse. The realization that change (divorce) was imminent is gaining ground at a quick pace. There will also be a period of time for healing and adjustment, trial and errors. as far as male characteristics? That's a subject that deserves much more discussion. More than just a few words. I have a few favorite books that I would be happy to pull paragraphs from, about the demise of the male character in today's society,and religion. |
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Post by JMX on Aug 5, 2016 21:48:40 GMT -5
greatcoastal - there has been no demise of the male. Only a surge of the female. Without it, you would never know that the way your wife acts, is not normal - we would never have told you - because we would be polite. The women here - Are NOT polite - and thank God for that! Your wife - the "manipulative controller" - could have never gotten there without your consent. You allowed it! Own that. There are heroines! We are adventurous and we like to fuck. I know this speaks to you as another idea will speak to you as well. Sweetheart - We are in charge of ourselves. We want a man, not a mouse (you have unfortunately relegated yourself to mouse status through your relationship). We (some of us) CRAVE a man who takes charge. I don't want some mealy/mouthed motherfucker to tell me what to do with a whimper. Grab me by the hair and throw me against a wall but fuck me while you are doing it! Don't "show me a picture" of what you want to do to me (yes, this will always bother me) - be a man and DO it! Seriously, just do it. Don't read a book about the "demise of the male character". Be the change you expect in the world. Please stop being such a door mat. Argh. Greatcoastal. You slay me. Every. Fucking. Day. You slay me.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 21:56:05 GMT -5
Grab me by the hair and throw me against a wall but fuck me while you are doing it! Yeah! Klingon Sex! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 21:58:28 GMT -5
greatcoastal - there has been no demise of the male. Only a surge of the female. Without it, you would never know that the way your wife acts, is not normal - we would never have told you - because we would be polite. The women here - Are NOT polite - and thank God for that! Your wife - the "manipulative controller" - could have never gotten there without your consent. You allowed it! Own that. There are heroines! We are adventurous and we like to fuck. I know this speaks to you as another idea will speak to you as well. Sweetheart - We are in charge of ourselves. We want a man, not a mouse (you have unfortunately relegated yourself to mouse status through your relationship). We (some of us) CRAVE a man who takes charge. I don't want some mealy/mouthed motherfucker to tell me what to do with a whimper. Grab me by the hair and throw me against a wall but fuck me while you are doing it! Don't "show me a picture" of what you want to do to me (yes, this will always bother me) - be a man and DO it! Seriously, just do it. Don't read a book about the "demise of the male character". Be the change you expect in the world. Please stop being such a door mat. Argh. Greatcoastal. You slay me. Every. Fucking. Day. You slay me. Well then! Here's to some wall slamming fucking! |
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Post by JMX on Aug 5, 2016 22:23:51 GMT -5
I am from this culture. I understand this thinking. First and Always - We love each other. Period. Full stop. We can and will find a way ALWAYS. Every single thing within reason- ("reasonable" here is defined by the partners) is secondary. Yell at me. Scream my faults and mistakes at me. But just remember the whole time you are doing it, There is no one else I rather sleep next to at the end of the day. "Amore" - doesn't JUST mean "love" - It means devotion, enthusiasm, a predilection, and yes also sex. But- The whole way of thinking is different - Why CAN"T you fight and scream with someone you love and who loves you and know that is all it is? The one person is this world my partner SHOULD be allowed to "lose it" with IS me. If you both really do love each other completely and neither one is going anywhere does it really matter at the end of the day how you communicate? Or is it more important that you do? Please note: I have not said that I AGREE with this - I just understand the thinking. There is a book called the CP factor that we debated a lot in college in a particular class - basically the closer "your people" we're to the equator (hence "colored people or CP) the more prone to emotion you were. Essentially, the more northern your people, the more in tune with "Hunter/gatherer you were, the closer to the equator you were also depicted how you would handle a funeral, for example. The Italians cried and flung themselves on the casket while the British were stalwart and non-emosh. If you have to hunt and gather for the winter, you are likely on time to meetings and show little emotion during tough times. If your food is readily available (arguable) you take your time, don't care about winter and, in the present, you grieve every loss because it is foreign. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2016 22:27:06 GMT -5
Grab me by the hair and throw me against a wall but fuck me while you are doing it! Yeah! Klingon Sex! Epic quote fail. |
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Post by wewbwb on Aug 5, 2016 22:45:45 GMT -5
JMXHowever, i see and have no issue with being a kind supportive faithful loving partner, outside the bedroom and a total perverted freak in the bedroom. That to me is not a contradiction of character. So by understanding that my partner is as smart and insightful with much to contribute in the household, doesn't and shouldn't mean that we can't have freaky sex. Its a balance that empowers us both.
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) , I really just ask to have the opportunity to fix the mistakes and miscommunications. 
