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Post by bballgirl on Aug 3, 2016 19:39:48 GMT -5
Also, the person who files has some control over the pace of movement. Some jurisdictions don't allow counter suit, and if she files first and then drags her feet you can end up stuck in limbo. That's exactly right about the person who files controls the pace. We negotiated in November and signed a month later in December. When his attorney got crazy because there was no power struggle to feed his ego so he created drama, my pacing strategy was going to be: I move out January 1st, if Mr. Bballgirl didn't sign then I planned to wait and stall negotiations until after I moved out and I was going to take him for everything I could get in mediation which included alimony for life because of the length of our marriage. We didn't even have to go to mediation though. I did not take any alimony. Like I said he got a fair deal. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2016 19:40:38 GMT -5
Did you say I was F...? Don't get my " hopes" up! but seriously, I appreciate your concern! I went to see another attorney that same day. That attorney wanted to know the name. Her response was, " we have worked with her before many times, she is very professional, fair, and easy to work with". Now I guess that's something you would want an attorney to say about another? Not, they are stubborn , impossible, unreasonable, have no experience, etc... I will post this on this thread just to pass along information. I was informed that whoever files first makes no difference at all, doesn't change anything. I wil say that just because my wife spoke with this attorney, she could have gotten advice only. Just like myself. Some people do that as a tactic, so you can't get certain attorneys. However the attorney my wife went to has a good reputable reputation, and is close to her work. The winds are changing. one source I do have is my therapist. He has testified in numerous child cases and knows the local attorneys. I am using his recommendations. Actually there is an advantage to filing. You are suing them for divorce therefore because you are suing them you can ask that they pay for half of your attorney fees and court costs. When my husband's attorney got a little fussy and demanding with my attorney without my husband's knowledge because we already came to an agreement, my attorney told him that if Mr. Bballgirl doesn't want to take this fair deal then we will start over and Mr. Bballgirl will have to pay half of my attorney fees and court costs as well. The lawyer backed down. It's something you have to negotiate with by filing first because you are suing them. Which shows the paramount importance of hammering out a separation agreement. You'd rather settle things between yourselves than in court. This can be extremely difficult because it requires rational thinking and cooperation when emotions are off the chart. But going to court can cost tens of thousands of dollars. It is in both your best interests to work together and come to an agreement. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 3, 2016 19:48:02 GMT -5
Actually there is an advantage to filing. You are suing them for divorce therefore because you are suing them you can ask that they pay for half of your attorney fees and court costs. When my husband's attorney got a little fussy and demanding with my attorney without my husband's knowledge because we already came to an agreement, my attorney told him that if Mr. Bballgirl doesn't want to take this fair deal then we will start over and Mr. Bballgirl will have to pay half of my attorney fees and court costs as well. The lawyer backed down. It's something you have to negotiate with by filing first because you are suing them. Which shows the paramount importance of hammering out a separation agreement. You'd rather settle things between yourselves than in court. This can be extremely difficult because it requires rational thinking and cooperation when emotions are off the chart. But going to court can cost tens of thousands of dollars. It is in both your best interests to work together and come to an agreement. That is so true. My ex was served on a Monday. He was angry but by Friday he wanted to do what was best for the kids. We sat down at the kitchen table together with paper, pencil and stayed calm. We figured it out together. Came to a monthly amount he would give me for child support, decided how to divide the assets, days with the kids, schedules, etc. He even helped me pack lol. He had emotional highs and lows he wasn't happy that I divorced him but those emotions were just him working through the grieving process. We did right by the kids at least. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 3, 2016 20:15:20 GMT -5
Getting connections to find the right attorney has been difficult. I was expecting many people in my circles to give me names and experiences, this has not happened. My therapist has been divorced twice, he warned me about these ratings you see on line. There are companies that these firms pay to boost their ratings and wright amazing reviews for them. The attorney that was recommended by the state bar is someone my therapist has dealt with. Since he gets involved with child custody. His response was, " find someone else, she doesn't know what she's talking about, she' has a bad reputation etc... I was pleased to get names from the therapist. The one I saw yesterday has been the best so far. I will be asking him about my wife's choice. The others who I spoke to, was based on location and online ratings. Not the best way to choose. I was also trying to keep my cost down, and get as much free advice as possible.
A new learning experience for me.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 3, 2016 20:16:30 GMT -5
Which shows the paramount importance of hammering out a separation agreement. You'd rather settle things between yourselves than in court. This can be extremely difficult because it requires rational thinking and cooperation when emotions are off the chart. But going to court can cost tens of thousands of dollars. It is in both your best interests to work together and come to an agreement. That is so true. My ex was served on a Monday. He was angry but by Friday he wanted to do what was best for the kids. We sat down at the kitchen table together with paper, pencil and stayed calm. We figured it out together. Came to a monthly amount he would give me for child support, decided how to divide the assets, days with the kids, schedules, etc. He even helped me pack lol. He had emotional highs and lows he wasn't happy that I divorced him but those emotions were just him working through the grieving process. We did right by the kids at least. A detail I wonder... What did it cost in attorney fees to file first, compared to, say, reaching an amicable agreement using a paralegal / mediator? I.e., is it worth the added cost to file and have them served first (which I believes blocks them from legally shuffling assets around), and then negotiate settlement. Or chance trying to come to terms first and filing jointly (?) afterward. Aside from the hurt feelings, the former sure seems like the smarter, safer move. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2016 20:37:01 GMT -5
That is so true. My ex was served on a Monday. He was angry but by Friday he wanted to do what was best for the kids. We sat down at the kitchen table together with paper, pencil and stayed calm. We figured it out together. Came to a monthly amount he would give me for child support, decided how to divide the assets, days with the kids, schedules, etc. He even helped me pack lol. He had emotional highs and lows he wasn't happy that I divorced him but those emotions were just him working through the grieving process. We did right by the kids at least. A detail I wonder... What did it cost in attorney fees to file first, compared to, say, reaching an amicable agreement using a paralegal / mediator? I.e., is it worth the added cost to file and have them served first (which I believes blocks them from legally shuffling assets around), and then negotiate settlement. Or chance trying to come to terms first and filing jointly (?) afterward. Aside from the hurt feelings, the former sure seems like the smarter, safer move. One thing you see over and over and over again in these stories is refusers who don't take their spouse seriously that they are on the verge of divorce. Not believing they're serious, they won't feel much motivation to negotiate in good faith if at all. Once they've been presented with very stern legal documents they'll be more likely to get the message that you're not fooling around. Then maybe they'll be willing to negotiate. Maybe. Divorce brings out the worst in people. But if filing first gives you some leverage to steer them into mediation or even just hammer out an agreement around the kitchen table, it was money well spent. |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 3, 2016 21:04:37 GMT -5
greatcoastal , "easy to work with" is something you want to hear about the other team's lawyer. "Tenacious, creative, clever, and sly" are qualities you might hope to hear about yours. Perhaps even "pitbull, asshole, bastard", if you like to fight dirty. I'd look for someone who has experience working with a forensic accountant, not just child custody. I like your thinking! Getting that info. Can be very difficult. Just finding people to recommend an attorney has been tough. Long ago, other towns, etc... One of my questions was about a forensic accountant, this attorney had a name right away who they work with. If time is against me I will have to do the best I can with what I've found. I may be wrong about this, but a dirty fight, sounds like a long, drawn out, expensive money grab that only benefits the attorneys. people see our large family, hear our adoption story, and seem to want to help patch things, not drag things. I hope I am right. Your wife is a smart cookie and she seems to know her way around finance and moving money. Since you threatened to see a lawyer 9 months ago, she has already seen one and from everything you have written before it would be smart to assume she has made a plan for herself without talking to you about it. If she is not thinking about your assets and where to put them all for her own advantage I would be very surprised. The question is are you willing to settle for half of what she declares because it is simpler and much easier for all of you (probably kids included) and because you want to have it done and finished ASAP, or do you want everything you are entitled to even if it involves a long, drawn out, expensive fight with lots of lawyer's fees. TBH, if you have reasonable assets, which I think you do, I can see a good argument either way. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 3, 2016 21:35:46 GMT -5
I like your thinking! Getting that info. Can be very difficult. Just finding people to recommend an attorney has been tough. Long ago, other towns, etc... One of my questions was about a forensic accountant, this attorney had a name right away who they work with. If time is against me I will have to do the best I can with what I've found. I may be wrong about this, but a dirty fight, sounds like a long, drawn out, expensive money grab that only benefits the attorneys. people see our large family, hear our adoption story, and seem to want to help patch things, not drag things. I hope I am right. Your wife is a smart cookie and she seems to know her way around finance and moving money. Since you threatened to see a lawyer 9 months ago, she has already seen one and from everything you have written before it would be smart to assume she has made a plan for herself without talking to you about it. If she is not thinking about your assets and where to put them all for her own advantage I would be very surprised. The question is are you willing to settle for half of what she declares because it is simpler and much easier for all of you (probably kids included) and because you want to have it done and finished ASAP, or do you want everything you are entitled to even if it involves a long, drawn out, expensive fight with lots of lawyer's fees. TBH, if you have reasonable assets, which I think you do, I can see a good argument either way. My wife is a caring, giving, charitable person. We go about it in different ways. She is more cautious about money, than I am. I would be far more generous. She is hesitant to invest in real estate, and gets constant requests from her sister to " help" with financing real estate, or other assets. That's where you have to give credit to her controlling behavior. Things get done her way. We live a very conservative, moderate,almost cheep, life style. It just so happens that we need a large home, in a high priced area. I strongly believe that most of our money has been stored away safely for retirement and raising the large family. From what I have discovered. So percentage wise, money that has been moved without my knowledge is small. It is the principle of it that hits hard. Dragging things out, will affect the children, that is something she will not want to see happen. Something she will have some control over. you may read about me discussing more in the future. It helps me iron things out in my brain. Believe it, or not I am trying to not worry so much. Worrying normally doesn't solve much. I am striving for concern, when necessary. I hope that makes sense. |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 3, 2016 21:37:40 GMT -5
That is so true. My ex was served on a Monday. He was angry but by Friday he wanted to do what was best for the kids. We sat down at the kitchen table together with paper, pencil and stayed calm. We figured it out together. Came to a monthly amount he would give me for child support, decided how to divide the assets, days with the kids, schedules, etc. He even helped me pack lol. He had emotional highs and lows he wasn't happy that I divorced him but those emotions were just him working through the grieving process. We did right by the kids at least. A detail I wonder... What did it cost in attorney fees to file first, compared to, say, reaching an amicable agreement using a paralegal / mediator? I.e., is it worth the added cost to file and have them served first (which I believes blocks them from legally shuffling assets around), and then negotiate settlement. Or chance trying to come to terms first and filing jointly (?) afterward. Aside from the hurt feelings, the former sure seems like the smarter, safer move. For me in my case because I knew how avoidant my H was if I didn't serve him he never would have signed the papers. By serving him it forced him to respond in twenty days. If he didn't respond it would have gone to default and he would have had nothing not even a car. The original paperwork had me taking everything except the debt. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2016 2:39:04 GMT -5
Your wife is a smart cookie and she seems to know her way around finance and moving money. Since you threatened to see a lawyer 9 months ago, she has already seen one and from everything you have written before it would be smart to assume she has made a plan for herself without talking to you about it. If she is not thinking about your assets and where to put them all for her own advantage I would be very surprised. The question is are you willing to settle for half of what she declares because it is simpler and much easier for all of you (probably kids included) and because you want to have it done and finished ASAP, or do you want everything you are entitled to even if it involves a long, drawn out, expensive fight with lots of lawyer's fees. TBH, if you have reasonable assets, which I think you do, I can see a good argument either way. My wife is a caring, giving, charitable person. We go about it in different ways. She is more cautious about money, than I am. I would be far more generous. She is hesitant to invest in real estate, and gets constant requests from her sister to " help" with financing real estate, or other assets. That's where you have to give credit to her controlling behavior. Things get done her way. We live a very conservative, moderate,almost cheep, life style. It just so happens that we need a large home, in a high priced area. I strongly believe that most of our money has been stored away safely for retirement and raising the large family. From what I have discovered. So percentage wise, money that has been moved without my knowledge is small. It is the principle of it that hits hard. Dragging things out, will affect the children, that is something she will not want to see happen. Something she will have some control over. you may read about me discussing more in the future. It helps me iron things out in my brain. Believe it, or not I am trying to not worry so much. Worrying normally doesn't solve much. I am striving for concern, when necessary. I hope that makes sense. Neither of you wants to drag it out I'm sure. I would hope that your wife took control of this divorce because she is caring and giving and knows that since she is the one controlling the assets she is the one best equipped to hammer out a fair and generous agreement. Hopefully the reason she blocked you from half the lawyers in town is because she knows you mean well but with your lack of understanding of your financial situation your involvement would unnecessarily drag things out. Hopefully the reason she didn't tell you she was doing this was so as not to worry you. Hopefully. If not, you're about to be run over by a train. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2016 18:11:37 GMT -5
I don't know. The over-riding message of that movie seems to be that you should stay with your stable wife (presumably even if you marriage degenerates to being room-mates) because women who really like sex are all over-emotional and probably psychotic. Please tell me that isn't true!!! It isn't true. ;-) |
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Post by JMX on Aug 4, 2016 21:36:50 GMT -5
I don't know. The over-riding message of that movie seems to be that you should stay with your stable wife (presumably even if you marriage degenerates to being room-mates) because women who really like sex are all over-emotional and probably psychotic. Please tell me that isn't true!!! It isn't true. ;-) Okay - I am going to play devil's advocate here. It *may* actually be true. A single, not-ever-married woman hooks up with a professional married man. They have hot sex and share their deep, inner-most secrets during lunch hours and "after hours business meetings". She feels bonded. She wants that all the time. I can appreciate that. Why settle when you're the single one? You have this "love". Ha! I had a potential affair partner that was freaked out that I wanted to end my situation. He called it an - "inequitable situation". He was right. If you truly want more out of your life than being someone's side dish, and "whenever I can get to you" girl, then, it would follow that it would never work. Never. Living life is not living in the waiting room for one to come around and see the light. You've just given them their cake. And it hurts watching them eat the entire fucking cake. |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 4, 2016 22:40:19 GMT -5
I've wondered if a little bit of "crazy" doesn't go hand-in-hand with "passionate".
Some of the more passionate cultures seem to be capable of very vocal arguments... And yet, they are at least communicating their grievances, and don't seem to harbor resentment once the fight is over. Is this a fair trade for having passion in the bedroom?
Culturally, do we go stagnant in the bedroom because we've been conditioned to "not rock the boat" and "grit our teeth and bear it"?
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Post by unmatched on Aug 4, 2016 23:02:07 GMT -5
Okay - I am going to play devil's advocate here. It *may* actually be true. A single, not-ever-married woman hooks up with a professional married man. They have hot sex and share their deep, inner-most secrets during lunch hours and "after hours business meetings". She feels bonded. She wants that all the time. I can appreciate that. Why settle when you're the single one? You have this "love". Ha! I had a potential affair partner that was freaked out that I wanted to end my situation. He called it an - "inequitable situation". He was right. If you truly want more out of your life than being someone's side dish, and "whenever I can get to you" girl, then, it would follow that it would never work. Never. Living life is not living in the waiting room for one to come around and see the light. You've just given them their cake. And it hurts watching them eat the entire fucking cake. I am sure there is an argument that having an affair can drive people crazy (especially if it feels like your AP is leading you on). But that surely doesn't mean you have to be crazy in the first place to be passionate about sex. Does it?  |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2016 23:36:37 GMT -5
Okay - I am going to play devil's advocate here. It *may* actually be true. A single, not-ever-married woman hooks up with a professional married man. They have hot sex and share their deep, inner-most secrets during lunch hours and "after hours business meetings". She feels bonded. She wants that all the time. I can appreciate that. Why settle when you're the single one? You have this "love". Ha! I had a potential affair partner that was freaked out that I wanted to end my situation. He called it an - "inequitable situation". He was right. If you truly want more out of your life than being someone's side dish, and "whenever I can get to you" girl, then, it would follow that it would never work. Never. Living life is not living in the waiting room for one to come around and see the light. You've just given them their cake. And it hurts watching them eat the entire fucking cake. I am sure there is an argument that having an affair can drive people crazy (especially if it feels like your AP is leading you on). But that surely doesn't mean you have to be crazy in the first place to be passionate about sex. Does it? Define crazy. |
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