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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 24, 2016 14:07:51 GMT -5
So, we just talked and are looking at moving to a counselor closer to where we live; the perks of having a close friend who works in that field in this area.
With any luck, we'll be able set something up for this week, and neither of us will have to drive 45 minutes out of our way to get there.
In addition, the recommendations I've been given come with good reviews from a few different people I know.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 24, 2016 14:23:41 GMT -5
So, we just talked and are looking at moving to a counselor closer to where we live; the perks of having a close friend who works in that field in this area. With any luck, we'll be able set something up for this week, and neither of us will have to drive 45 minutes out of our way to get there. In addition, the recommendations I've been given come with good reviews from a few different people I know. One less extra piece of luggage to have to drag around. Good for you. Question for you friend. Why was this easy to agree upon, come to a conclusion, and discuss? |
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 24, 2016 14:38:47 GMT -5
Her exact words were, "I'll do whatever." I think she's coming from a place of a fear of losing me right now, and that's why she's agreeing to go to another counselor. I'll ask again tomorrow about her going to individual again, after I sort all this out.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2016 18:39:39 GMT -5
Her exact words were, "I'll do whatever." I think she's coming from a place of a fear of losing me right now, and that's why she's agreeing to go to another counselor. I'll ask again tomorrow about her going to individual again, after I sort all this out. "I'll do whatever" is about the most noncommittal response she could have given you. She might as well just have shrugged her shoulders. How about some specifics? Like sex once a week and at least pretend she's enjoying it, or from behind so you don't have to see her rolling her eyes to hurry up and finish. Dude I can see where this is going. You're going to spend months giving her what she wants in the hope...hope...that she'll give you what you want. She has emotional issues that make it hard for her to have sex? Well you fucking have emotional issues that make it hard for you to live without sex! How about you start with that? How about better yet, this is a nonstarter and let's get this on the table, no sex no marriage. If you're really ready to leave. If not, well, ok I'll tell you what's going to happen. Sorry I'm having an MRI tomorrow and I'm claustrophobic so I'm bitchy. I swear there are times I think I'm a woman and getting my period. Well what's going to happen if you're not prepared to leave is that the two of you will grow into a deeper understanding of each other. Your relationship will grow stronger. You'll have lots of meaningful conversations and snuggling. Notice anything missing from this picture? That or it will all blow up and you'll be worse off than before. Either way, no sex. Me, I'd lay it on the line. Just me, I don't know your wife or your relationship. But me, I'd say, in the session, as soon as you sit down so you don't get sidetracked on other conversations, "We are here to address serious unmet needs in this marriage. This includes both our needs. And I have an unmet need for a satisfying sex life. I will do everything in my power starting right now to start giving you anything I should and am not. I expect the same from you. We will begin having sex once a week. If you are not willing to do this, I have the number of a family law attorney and will spend my time and resources there instead of here. Any questions?" |
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 24, 2016 21:53:09 GMT -5
I think in this case, it was more of, "oh shit, you're not messing around here about not being sure if you still want to be married to me or not." That's what I've been picking up from our conversations the last couple of days.
Then again, I tend to see the best in everybody whenever possible.
As for the sex once a week, at this point even if she offered I wouldn't be able to take her up on it. Too much distance and resentment on my part, and I'm pretty sure she knows that. It remains to be seen whether or not that's something I can work past, and how much she's willing to meet me halfway with my needs. Emotional AND physical. Because both have been lacking for years.
I'm sorry to hear about your MRI, @phinheasgage. I hope your medical issues turn out smoothly, and everything goes well. Having had an MRI myself, I'd say it's not big deal, but the dang things are loud as hell. Hopefully you're not inside for too long.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 2:03:58 GMT -5
I think in this case, it was more of, "oh shit, you're not messing around here about not being sure if you still want to be married to me or not." That's what I've been picking up from our conversations the last couple of days. Then again, I tend to see the best in everybody whenever possible. As for the sex once a week, at this point even if she offered I wouldn't be able to take her up on it. Too much distance and resentment on my part, and I'm pretty sure she knows that. It remains to be seen whether or not that's something I can work past, and how much she's willing to meet me halfway with my needs. Emotional AND physical. Because both have been lacking for years. I'm sorry to hear about your MRI, @phinheasgage. I hope your medical issues turn out smoothly, and everything goes well. Having had an MRI myself, I'd say it's not big deal, but the dang things are loud as hell. Hopefully you're not inside for too long. Thanks, I'm psycho about claustrophobia and there's other issues attached to it blah blah so they tried once and I panicked so this time I'm going to have IV sedation. And yeah that noise did freak me out but now it won't be a surprise. Anyway yeah what exactly you put out there is up to you, I never stopped wanting to have sex with my ex but I know a lot of people get to the point of not wanting to anymore. Just don't take turns. Don't focus on her until she's happy then start thinking about you. You'll never get your turn. It's about both of you. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 25, 2016 5:33:49 GMT -5
"and I think- maybe- you're going through kind of a midlife crisis right now. You should talk to your therapist about that."
- from last night.
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Post by baza on Jul 25, 2016 5:55:16 GMT -5
Again, a deflective ploy by your missus.
And, again, with a level of validity to it, in so far as continuing your individual counselling in an effort to bring the best possible "cagedtiger" to the party being a good idea in and of itself.
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It is looking less and less likely that your missus is going to do the same thing though, to the extent that she won't be bringing the best version of "Mrs cagedtiger" to the party. Indeed she is not showing too many signs of even wanting to attend the party.
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It all looks like the onus of bringing this deal to resolvement is going to fall squarely on you, and you are probably going to have to act unilaterally to produce that resolution.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 25, 2016 6:56:14 GMT -5
Again, a deflective ploy by your missus. And, again, with a level of validity to it, in so far as continuing your individual counselling in an effort to bring the best possible "cagedtiger" to the party being a good idea in and of itself. - It is looking less and less likely that your missus is going to do the same thing though, to the extent that she won't be bringing the best version of "Mrs cagedtiger" to the party. Indeed she is not showing too many signs of even wanting to attend the party. - It all looks like the onus of bringing this deal to resolvement is going to fall squarely on you, and you are probably going to have to act unilaterally to produce that resolution. I'm sensing that as well. But if this is in fact the case, which it definitely seems to be more and more, having to take that unilateral action will definitely help ease my conscience that I've "done everything possible." The downside of being Chaotic Good, with a strong Lawful streak when it comes to relationships. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 25, 2016 6:56:23 GMT -5
"and I think- maybe- you're going through kind of a midlife crisis right now. You should talk to your therapist about that." - from last night. Wow! They don't get it! She got the crisis part right, living the life of a monk is a crisis. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 25, 2016 6:57:21 GMT -5
If I hadn't been so shocked when she said that, I wish I would've been that fast with such a very true reply.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 25, 2016 8:35:23 GMT -5
It took me from October 1999 to November 2015 to accept I'd done everything I could. It hurts to know it wasn't enough. That's part of our empathetic affliction. We do the right thing until we become crushed by it.
As they say, you gotta hit rock bottom sometimes before you can change direction
X
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 25, 2016 9:38:55 GMT -5
"and I think- maybe- you're going through kind of a midlife crisis right now. You should talk to your therapist about that." - from last night. That sounds like the old scenario you hear: once a woman reaches mid life, has her children, the store is closed! |
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 25, 2016 9:46:47 GMT -5
"and I think- maybe- you're going through kind of a midlife crisis right now. You should talk to your therapist about that." - from last night. That sounds like the old scenario you hear: once a woman reaches mid life, has her children, the store is closed! Except that's what she said to me. And thank God, no kids. Just pets. |
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Post by Dan on Jul 25, 2016 14:16:26 GMT -5
That would be Wednesday in couples counseling, and Thursday, when I asked her to start doing individual therapy again, and she told me she wasn't going to say anything about that just yet. FWIW: I think "please go back to therapy" is a dicey request. The less-dicey (but longer) way to get there is: - CT: "I need her to be more XYZ." - Mrs CT: "Yes, I agree I should do that, and I want to do that to help our marriage. But I just don't know how." - Therapist: "Is this something you think you could work out in individual therapy?" - Mrs CT: "Hmmm... possibly." In other words: anyone in therapy is more likely to "make progress" if THEY are working on something THEY want. Progress in therapy is unlikely if they are "just there" because somebody else wants them to change. |
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